Another Awkward Week [3.15.13]

Good morning! I know I begged off earlier this week while I got myself into a better headspace, but I couldn't possibly end a week without an awkward recap, now could I? Luckily for me, it was one for the books. I feel like the universe really heard me when I complained I was feeling down and uninspired and said "Liz, you want inspiration? Well here ya go, girl!" And there they did go. I might be the only person who considers a ridiculously embarrassing week a blessing but to each his own, right?

So, let's take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Mug:

tea

Because apparently tea does not steep when you put in COLD water and then dump it out, get another tea bag, and re-fill it ...again with cold water! I do this like once a month. Never learn. Ever ever learn.

(PS Trader Joe's Pomegranate White Tea is a delight, if you're into that sort of thing. Also: pomegranate, much like poinsettia is a surprisingly difficult word to spell. There's no 'n' in there - it's not a pomENgranate...just pom. Learning new things every single day!)

These Socks:

socks

On Tuesday it rained a bit during the day. After work I was walking to the subway with a friend and a big leftover rain droplet plopped from an overhead awning and landed right on my face. So I reached into my coat pocket and took out what I thought was my cotton glove to wipe my face, but instead I pulled out a sock. An inside out sock that I can only imagine to be dirty. Of course I didn't realize it was a sock until AFTER I'd rubbed it all over my face.

Luckily it was definitely my sock but a lot of questions remain including what, why, how and when did this sock end up in my pocket? His pair was in the other pocket! Was I wearing socks as gloves? Did I think they were gloves and put them in my pockets mistakenly? Was I somehow wearing my coat as pants?

Update the list of America's Greatest Unsolved Mysteries!

This Cup of Water:

water

Or, the shape made down at the bottom where there are no water bubbles. Don't you think it looks like Africa? It totally doesn't but the amount of time I spent staring at this water shape is horrifying. I lost like 45 minutes of my life staring into this cup, trying to decide if I saw Africa or not.

Help.

PS I swear I don't do hallucinogenic drugs.

This Mess:

oatmeal

Making microwave oatmeal is a HARD task, y'all. There is a careful balance of water to oats and if you leave them attended for too long, they'll bubble over and make a giant mess. Like this. Sorry, colleagues in line to use the microwave.

The double layer of awkward is, of course, me getting caught by a random colleague standing in front of the microwave with my phone camera out.

Nothing to see here, just documenting my breakfast mess, like we all do, move along!

These Shoes:

purpleshoes

Why those shoes, you ask? They're adorable! I KNOW! Also, $19.99 from the Banana Republic outlet, booyah.

On Tuesday it was semi-warm out and I got a little carried away with the whole spring thing, busting out flats and bare ankles instead of my usual 300 layers of socks and boots and things. I also wore jeans to the office because I'm a lazy slob. Anyhoodle, I'd forgotten that this particular pair of flats is a little slippery on the bottom. On my way into work, I slipped on a cigarette butt and nearly fell down the subway stairs, but caught myself. At the time I blamed the smoker instead of my shoe.

I still do blame him/her, for the extent that they were implicit in nearly causing me harm. I'll spare y'all the lecture on smoking, you know all the reasons why you should quit, if you want to kill yourself, go to town, but SO HELP ME BEYONCE, I will not stand idly by while you throw your gross cigarette garbage, because that's what it is, garbage, on the ground. I can not EVEN with this. I chew gum, which is gross, but I don't spit my gum on the floor. I don't throw old bits of sandwich wrapper on the ground. I don't just throw trash everywhere all over the ground upon which innocent people have to walk because that is disgusting and against the law and just plain mean and gross and offensive, so whyyyywywywywywhy is it OK for smokers to throw their butts on the ground? WHY?! If you do this, how do you get up every morning and look at your (probably grey, yellowed & wrinkly from nicotine!)  face in the mirror?!

Throw your garbage in a garbage can.

Ummm end rant, whoops, that got intense. What can I say, sometimes I have serious feelings about things, you know?

So where was I? Ok, so Wednesday morning I slipped and fell on the remains of some cigarette bandit garbage criminal but caught myself and placed the blame elsewhere. Wednesday evening was a different story. I met a work acquaintance for a glass of wine (always winin' and dinin' over here) and then walked down to Brian's apartment. It was a little brisker than I anticipated when choosing to go sockless, so I was walking even quicker than I normally do, and I am an extremely fast walker. Not to brag or anything, but I'm like the Usain Bolt of regular street walking. Move it or lose it, everyone else on the sidewalk: here I come. I can go four city blocks in under 30 seconds. This isn't really something to be all that proud about but listen, it's the little things, you know? So, I'm power walking down a sort of busy street when all of a sudden:

WHOOOMP

I BIT it.

I don't know what happened or how I got there but all of a sudden I was on the ground on my hands and knees feeling like I'd just dropped down from Mars.

Ouch.

People stopped to make sure I was OK and offer to help me up, but I was so disoriented and shocked I just waved them away. Mortifying. I looked around: there were no loose sidewalk tiles, no bumps in the ground or sticks or stones or errant CIGARETTE BUTTS to hinder my stride, just the wide open, smooth sidewalk and me, laying on the ground. I tripped over nothing. One minute I was walking down the street and the next minute I was not. How does someone trip over nothing??? Maybe I'm NOT as good at walking as I thought I was!

Making matters even worse, I ripped a hole in my jeggings! Whomp. I guess it's a blessing I dressed like a slob that day, so I didn't tear a pair of good work pants. But still, RIP those jeans, I loved you a LOT.

I limped myself the rest of the way to Brian's house and immediately started taking photos of myself shouting "I have to blog about this!"

rip

I then stripped off my now dead pants only to realize I was covered in blood.

knee

Oucherson.

Also: how gross do disembodied knees look?

Alsoer: I keep typing knees as "kneese," just FYI.

Two days have passed, and now I have the bruised, skinned, scraped knees of an eight-year-old. COOL BEANS, GREAT LOOK!

And how was YOUR week?

Related: A huge thanks to all who offered up 'likes' or sweet comments during my woe-is-me moment earlier this week. It's funny, I woke up the next morning feeling more focused and positive already. Maybe sometimes you just need to get those grey, blah moments out there, off of your mind and into the world where other people can remind you that it's OK and you're OK and you're not the only one.

And catching a sunrise like this one sure don't hurt, either.

sunrise

So! Here's wishing everyone a good weekend. I hope whatever you do: wear green & get hammered, stay home and watch Hulu, eat good food or bad food or a mix, craft, sleep, fall on the street, mope around feeling blue, write a novel, etcetera and so forth, you find yourself on Monday morning feeling restored and ready to take on the world. I have a feeling I'll be right back there with ya!

Luck O' The Awkward,

Liz Ho

Three Or Four More Awkward Years!

Guys, I just realized something. One Awkward Year has a birthday to celebrate! I started this blog in January of 2010 to document one year of my life, in all of its absurdities, and here we still are in January of 2013. Three years later...or is it four? I'm having some math issues...We are three years old but celebrating our Fourth Awkward Year? 2010...2011...2012...2013? Whatever, math sux, I'm still here!   If I could go back in time and change the name of this blog I would probably do it, but that seems like it would be a real waste of time travel technology when I could be busy making money by prophesizing the future or having sex with JFK or finding out whether or not Felicity the American Girl was actually a real person. I kind of thought I'd already be the star of my own Julie & Julia by now, but that doesn't seem to have happened, hmm. But still. Happy birthday to me! I do hope you all brought presents.

Sad-Birthday-Cat

(This is the first image that came up when I Google Image searched "awkward birthday." I like it!)

Now. I’m going to ask you to indulge me very quickly with some housekeeping type business. This birthday is perfect timing as I find myself considering where I see myself going as a blogger slash writer. As I mentioned last week, I am attempting to become more serious about this whole scene but it's not as easy as it looks. Blogging well & blogging often takes time and it takes energy. It also takes a certain sense of voice and theme and, let’s be honest, self importance.  Any sort of personal writing be it a print column or a blog or a cave drawing (do you think that prehistoric people drew out witty anecdotes on the walls of their caves? I would die a million deaths if they discovered like, Carrie Bradshaw style stories drawn out in stone circa 300 BC) is inherently self absorbed. You are assuming that the world at large wants and needs to hear what it is you have to say. About yourself and your life. That’s a bold move, friend. If you’re going to make it, what you have to say better be worth it.

I want to make it worth it. I know that blogging is a super selfish endeavor, but I have gone too far down this road to stop, so I’m powering on.  I feel like a cornball saying this, but I have really and truly enjoyed writing here these last few years, especially this last year, where I began to connect with other bloggers, develop more of a voice and become confident in my writing and it means a lot to me that you would choose use part of that time at work where you’re pretending to work but are actually reading dumb shit on the internet to come here and read this dumb shit.

Seriously, thank you!

So, now that I've given you three or four years of great entertainment, depending on how you do math (f’real, though, am I the only one who finds this confusing?!), I am going to ask YOU to do something for me. Tell me:

  • What do you like about this blog?
  • What would you, you know, pass on if this were an all you can eat buffet?
  • What would you like to see more of? Silly stuff? Serious stuff? Personal stuff? Things about New York? TV?  Something I haven't even thought about? Please don't say nude photos. Please also don't say "ew! no nude photos, you are gross!" because that would really not be great for my self esteem. Just avoid discussing nude photos altogether.

I feel like a real douchebucket asking for you to pay even more attention to me, but you nerds seem to like reading this thing so I'm just going with it. If we’re going to endure four (three???) more years of this, I want it to be fun for everyone and I’d genuinely appreciate your feedback, even if it is negative. But preferably positive. But seriously, please be nice. If you would be so kind as to share some ideas with me in the comments or via email: oneawkwardyear@gmail.com or via facebook, if that’s how you came across this post, or by carrier pigeon or a snail mail letter or on a letter that you tape to the back of an actual snail and then pray it arrives to me somehow, I would be eternally grateful.

 

Another Awkward Week [11.16.12]

It's Friday! I'm in a bad mood. Why? I can't say, my friends, I just can't say. Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you feel like a cranky witch who just wants to go back to bed. Let's try to turn this frown upside down with some jokes! Here’s what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Drivers License:

Because it's the same expired! license I travelled all the way to Pennsylvania to renew last weekend! Did you know that in Pennsylvania the DMV is open until 8 PM Monday through Friday but there is a separate office where you have to go get your photo taken, because THAT makes sense. The office is next door to the DMV and closes at 4:30 PM. I got into PA a little after 5, rushed to the DMV, looked like a fool and left. I can't even begin to go into the millions of things that are whack with this system. I may be a disorganized mess but even I could run the DMV better than those fools are doing it. Pennsylvania, get your shit together! Soooo now my license is expired, the temporary license they sent me is expired, my passport is also expired for unrelated reasons and I'm basically an undocumented citizen. WHOOPS my bad!

That's kind of a cute picture, though right? God, I'm good looking.

This Notebook: 

Because it's a lot more graphic than the cutesy title might suggest. I have what you might call a sensitive stomach and a family history of gross gastrointestinal diseases so have finally decided to take control of my health and figure out what's wrong with me. First step: documenting everything that goes into my body ...and everything that comes out. You do NOT want to know what happened at 11:45 this morning, you guys. Trust me. I hope if I ever die a young, tragic death that this is published and becomes a world wide bestselling phenomenon. Like Anne Frank but with less Nazis and more chronic gas.

This Facebook Profile: 

Because it's so sad and lonely. I've realized that, in the sporadic instances when I do actually write here, the best way to get traffic and share my blog is via my facebook page. Since I'm at least pretending to take this whole blogging thing more seriously I decided to create a blog specific page so I can further spread the good news about how great I am and also not bog down my personal facebook timeline with blog updates. But there's a flaw in the system and I can't for the life of me link this blog to that facebook. Who knows what's going on. I'll fix it! For now, do feel free to "like" me on facebook, I promise I'll figure it out soon! Clearly I'm super tech savvy - as you can see I had to google "how to take a screenshot" to even make this possible. Baby steps, you guys. Baby Steps.

Speaking of babies...

This Photo: 

Because I have no idea who that child is, but I've been carrying her photo in my purse for over a month. WEIRD. It fell out of a used book I bought at The Strand (A Family History by Dani Shapiro HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!) and I put it in my purse for safekeeping and I guess I never took it out. Is that creepy? It feels a little creepy. But I feel bad throwing it out. What if this is some kind of Face on the Milk Carton situation and I was destined to find that photo and now I have to go rescue this girl from some kidnappers or something? That's definitely a likely scenario so for now I'll just hang onto this...

And there you have it, folks! A few anecdotes and images from my week. How was yours? Gearing up for Thanksgiving? I can't wait to EAT! I feel like this holiday is going to give me a lot of great fodder for my food and poop journal, coming soon to a bookstore near you!

EW!

xoxo Liz