One Awkward Horoscope

Ohhh shit. Everything's turned upside down. Depending on your philosophies we have either 5 months or 1.8 years left until end of days and now they go and tell us the Zodiac Calendar is totally bunk?

Allegedly, per Gawker (always right!), per some scientist (even more always right!), the Babylonian zodiac has been recalculated. That horoscope you've been reading? Maybe not the one for you! Signs are all switched up and they've even gone so far as to add a 13th sign called Ophiuchus. (Sucks for all you nerds born btwn Nov. 29-Dec. 17. I heard their birthstone is human knuckle bones.)

For many, this may be something upsetting - a shakeup in one's worldview.  Cancers becoming Geminis, Capricorns turning into Saggitariuses (Saggitarii?), Opiuchuses appearing out of thin air. Will you find love this week, like it said in today's AM New York horoscope? Or, now a Taurus, are you doomed to a week of professional setbacks and unfulfilling masturbation? WHO'S TO SAY???

But I, for one, feel OK about all of this. Born on September 14, I've always had a lot to live up to. For one, this was the day in history that Francis Scott Key penned the Star Spangled Banner. The only song I've ever written was a ditty about Vietnam to the tune of "Build Me Up Buttercup." It went: "Why do you burn them down, burn them down, AAAgent Orange, and then you kill them all, kill them all and their chiiildren too."  There was an accompanying music vid wherein my friend and I danced on her back porch waving lit tiki torches. It's a masterpiece FOR SURE, but it's no National Anthem.

And, for two, this b-day made me a Virgo. Characteristics of Virgos include: perfectionism, organization, success, precision, intelligence and a highly analytical mind. Characteristics of Liz include zero of these things. I've spent 26 years feeling like a waste of a zodiac sign. The Worst Virgo On Earth.

Today, when I learned I may actually be a LEO, after all these years, I was skeptical. Until I searched out "Characteristics of a Leo'"on

Leo is very independent but they need something to control and someone to admire them and appreciate them. They are fully capable of being greatly successful on their own but they are much happier if they have an audience and a following of people who look up to them. They would prefer not be alone.


Whelp. That answers that question. Don't blame me. Blame the Babylonians!