Another Awkward Week [5.16.14]

Oh my god, you guys. What is even happening? This week simultaneously flew and crawled by. If it were an animal, this week would be some kind of monster breed of like, a snake and a bald eagle...a creature which surely exists in the world of George R. R. Martin...who you can blame when this post is THE worst because I've fiiiinally started watching GOT and am, of course, obsessed. I'm not very good at casually consuming pop culture. When I decide to get into something I go ALL IN. Watching GOT is this weird experience for me because I love to read about pop culture, especially television (I mean books! I always read books and articles about books!) (#employeeoftheyear) and have this weird habit of following recaps and news about shows I've never watched. Like, I have never watched one second of that show Sons of Anarchy and yet I read the Vulture recap every week and know basically every plot point. Same for Homeland! And then I'm like "why am I so busy and stressed?" when really I'm just wasting my time watching TV or reading about the TV I don't watch.

ANYWAY, I don't read the GOT recaps but I do keep up with the news and headlines, it's kind of hard to miss when you spend as much time at Vulture as I do, so I sort of know what happens...but sort of don't. I know the names of a lot of the characters and some major plot points (Red Wedding!) but didn't actually know what all of these people looked like or how they related to one another or when these major plot points actually happened, so every episode I'm like "Oh! Khaleesi!" "The Lannisters!" "Which brother and sister are having an inappropriate sexual relationship?" (Spoiler alert: more than you'd think.)

Do you guys watch this show? It's so good! A smorgasbord of deception and manipulation and war and boobs and murder and boobs and boobs and butts and boobs! All my favorite things. We're about halfway through Season 2 and shit is going OFF. I love it.

Ok I will now stop talking about Game of Thrones...but basically if you're curious what I've been up to all week and why this blog is short, boring and poorly written: blame G.R.R.M! Winter is coming!

Let's take a look at what (else) was keeping it awkward this week.

 

These Permanent Markers:

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With which I was doodling while on a call and oh look they bled through my paper and now I have permanent ink stains on my desk.

This kind of behavior would get you held back from recess in kindergarten.

This Tupperware: 

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It's become sort of a joke with my assistant that she always walks into my office while I'm eating...because I'm always eating.

Funny stuff, I know.

WELL we took the scenario one step further, maybe too far this week when she walked in as I was licking hummus off the lid of my tupperware snack container.

I WISH I could say that was the first and last time I've ever done that but I can not lie to you, my friends. I've done it before and I'll surely do it again.

I should not be allowed out in public.

(Also: my thumb is so disgusting...let this be motivation for me to stop picking at my fingers.  GAH-ROSS, Liz. Gross.)

This Computer Screen:

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Isn't it giant? I KNOW.

So I've been trying to engage myself better in our corporate culture and take advantage of some of the classes and learning opportunities provided by my company. This week I signed up to sit in on a marketing strategy course via Web Ex, which is lingo they did not define in our class...I think it means like, via the internet? I don't even know. Basically, I signed into some program that allowed me to see the deck being presented in the class as well as hear the teachers and other participants speaking. I was also apparently supposed to hook up my phone or some other sort of microphone so I, too, could participate but OBVZ I a) don't know how and b) didn't realize that my computer doesn't just have some kind of built in microphone device.

The class started and the teacher asked everyone to go around and introduce themselves. I waited for my colleague to go before me and then started to chime in "Hello! This is Liz"...and they just kept on breezing to the next person. I waited until the next person spoke and tried again, this time a little louder: "Hello! It's Liz!!!" They didn't hear me. I leaned into the speakers, where the noise was coming OUT and tried to make the noise go IN: "HELLO IT IS LIZ CAN YOU HEAR ME????"

Surprisingly this did not work.

It was basically a parody of a geriatric woman who has just seen her first iPad. 29 going on 90.

PS: do you guys watch Inside Amy Shumer? She is DIVINE and I recommend diving deep into her archives but this particular video is especially appropriate for illustrating this tale. I'm the clueless mom character, of course.

(PS: If you look closely enough you can see all the important tabs I have open: numerous searches for "at home bikini body workouts" (I hate myself), some kind of feminist article (to counterbalance my buying into the idea of a "bikini body") and one tab where I was apparently googling myself. WORKING HARD!)

This Turnstile:

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So last weekend we were in Philadelphia for a wedding, wedding-going is our #1 hobby and pastime these days (after watching Game of Thrones, that is!!!) and while we were there, I got stuck in a subway turnstile.

I, Liz Hohenadel, who rides the subway at least two times per day, sometimes more on weekends, found herself entangled in the metal bars of the turnstile, like some kind of martian who first landed in the deep midwest and then went blind and then visited the Big City for their very first time.

I can't even explain what happened. I put my token in (Philly still uses actual tokens! It's so quaint!) (That sounds demeaning but I mean it in a positive way.) and I walked forward and then the bar got stuck and I stepped back and then I stepped forward again and then I pulled the bar backwards for some reason and then it wouldn't go forwards again so I kept pulling it further back...maybe hoping it would like, do a full 360 and flip me over like a pig on a spit right onto the subway platform? I don't even know.

The woman working at the token booth had to get involved and believe you me...girl was NOT amused. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that working the token booth in the Philadelphia subway system is not exactly full of sunshine and daisies and butterflies, unless those are the names of the homeless men peeing in the corner (it's really not nice to make jokes about homelessness, I know) but this lady DID NOT CARE if I got myself through the turnstile or not and had no plans to help me through.

You know who else had no plans to help me through? OH that's right, BRIAN. You know, my life partner and love of my life who stood there watching me and laughing. Just cracking up, busting a gut laughing while the future mother of his children, woman who irons his shirts for him (not because of gender roles...I'm just better at it) and who is going to walk down the aisle and marry him in exactly 3 months from today (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) got trapped behind bars. I could have died there! And he just laughed! And then, when I finally got through and we made it to my sister's house, announced: "Sorry we're late, Liz got stuck and caused a scene in the subway."

RUDE.

Long story long, somehow I freed myself, the wedding was lovely and I've now ridden multiple subways all week without incident so...good times.

And that, my dear pals, was my week! What have YOU been up to?? Any weekend plans? I'm going to Pittsburgh for...wait for it...wait for it...any guesses... a wedding!! I am SO excited for this one. I mean, I'm always excited for all weddings but this one will be very dear to me. The bride Brigette is Maggie's BFF, they've known each other since they were about four years old, and have been besties ever since and in that time, Brigette has become like a member of our family, coming on vacations, being part of inside jokes, she was even there when we first started calling our mom The Schmoopster. Tomorrow she's marrying this great, great guy and it's just going to be so neat seeing her start this new adventure in her life and I'm so honored to be there. Also starting new adventures: Brian's sister is graduating from college on Sunday! So Brian and I are splitting up this weekend - me to a wedding, him to the graduation, which of course makes me feel weird and guilty and like I'm personally perpetuating the idea that marriage is a more important achievement in a woman's life than an education but I MIGHT need to stop taking myself so seriously and calm it down. Maybe?

BASICALLY it is an exciting weekend for many people who I love so hooray! Let's party. Everybody dance now!

I'm losing it. Have a great weekend, buddies!

xoxo Liz Ho

Some Awkward Housekeeping

Hello, hello! Notice a few changes? You never miss a beat, now do you?! Please bear with me as I take care of a few blog housekeeping (blog keeping?) / self promotional / organizational items:

Step One in my never ending Operation Good Blogger is to make the layout look a little more presentable so check aaaand check. I'm not 100% sold on this scene but until I can master the ways of web design, which at this rate will be like 2049 at which point we'll all be living on Mars and I won't be blogging anyway because I'll be a famous talk show host / princess / cheesemonger, well, this'll have to do.

New things to note: The incredible header image, About ME! & Say Hi! pages. (I overuse exclamation points, I am aware) & slightly cleaner layout. If something is in green font, it's a link, so click away!

Step Two: link this blog to a facebook page for easy self promotion. Donezo. It only took four months but I'm finally linked up. SO, if you would like to, and gee whiz, it sure would mean a lot to me, you can click the button to your right (the one that says "Like me, PLEASE!") (so subtle and not at all desperate) to 'like' One Awkward Year on facebook. The page will automatically update with every new post so you can always stay on top of Liz Ho.

FIGURATIVELY not literally, ya pervs.

Step Three: show off this painfully stunning photo of myself in my younger days, just straight killing it on the mean streets of Charleston, South Carolina.

young liz

I mean, if a more flattering pair of shorts have ever been made, I have yet to see them.

Step Four: Stop talking about all of this boring crap and write? I'm on it, I swear! You know what they say, Patience Is A Virtue!

(But, they also say "A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush" and "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" so you might not want to listen to them, whoever they are, they sound pretty weird and confusing.)

Ok, SO! That is the haps round these parts. Thank you for tuning in to the latest technological developments and, as I say every time I write a dumb placeholder post: stay tuned.

xo Liz Ho

PS: Please do like me on facebook, you know I'm desperate to be loved!

Some Deep Thoughts On God & French Fries

Two weeks into 2013 and my once again my Wednesday blogging happens on Thursday. Thursday is SO the new Wednesday, y’all. This week’s excuse: yesterday, on a rare day when I actually was in a productive mood, our company was hit by a building wide network failure rendering us completely unable to access the internet, Outlook or internal shared drives. It was, in a word: frustrating. But also, in another word:  kind of the best. Ok that’s three words. But hear me out. Yesterday’s web disaster was one of those great situations where you really feel like there is a god and s/he’s definitely on your side.

I’m not yet making sense. Here’s what I mean! I once saw someone tweet – ugh, yes we are in a place in our modern society where it is totally ok for sentences to begin “I once saw someone tweet” – but anyway, someone on twitter, I do believe it was Mindy Kaling who is someone we should discuss here at a later date, made a joke, a twitter joke, get to the point Liz, about the great moment when you order a side salad to be good, but the waiter messes up and brings you fries instead and you’re just like “oh well, love handles, I tried!” and dig in. Because let’s be real: no one actually prefers a side salad over fries. You may do it because you think you should make the healthy choice or you want other people to think you have willpower or a little bit of both but at the end of the day, you just want some goddamn French fries in your face. Now.

And that is why these little situations are so perfect. You actively make the “right” choice and some outside force, be it a flaky waiter or an internet server thingermabobber or your own forgetfulness, overrules you and gives you what you really want. It’s like god’s way of saying, you know, I hear you! I see that you are trying to be a good, salad eating kind of person and now I will reward you with some guilt-free fries because I think you are great and you need a break.

Ok, I don’t actually think I see god in a plate of fried potatoes (OR DO I???) but I really do think that sometimes you just need life to let you off the hook. Like:

  • You’re trying to work, but the server is down! Relax.
  • You went to the gym, but forgot your shoes! Go home and sit on your couch.
  • Out of skim milk at the coffee counter! Dump out your coffee, fill your cup to the brim with Half & Half and chug that bitch.

It is really hard to go through life trying to do the “good” thing all the time. I think we all deserve a little French fry break now and again, don’t you?

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How’s that for some Deep Thoughts, ehh?!? You’re welcome, world. Now I really want fries for lunch…but I packed a healthy quinoa soup.

So, Are you there, God? It’s me, Liz Ho. I know you did me a real solid yesterday when you crashed my work server, but if you wouldn't mind, I don’t know, blowing up the microwave today while I’m heating my soup or something so that I have to run out and buy some greasy fries, guilt free, gee whiz, I sure would appreciate it.

One Awkward Smart Phone: A Technology Transcript

It has been discussed here before that I'm not exactly what you would call "tech savvy." When it comes to gadgets and things, I pretty much operate on the same level as an 85-year-old Mennonite quilt maker. No offense, quilt makers. Well, my company has finally decided to recognize me as the star publicist I clearly am by giving me my very own blackberry. Baby's first smartphone! So far it is going GREAT. I now present A Technology Transcript:

Tuesday, April 10, 2012; 3:45 PM: Somewhere in the depths of a messy, crumb-strewn office, a phone rings. A stunningly beautiful woman answers.

Liz: “Hello, this is Liz.”

John From IT (henceforth J-FIT): “Hello, this is John, from IT.”

Liz (henceforth still just Liz): “Hello! Thanks for calling me back! I got a blackberry and I think someone emailed me directions but I couldn’t understand them, so I called the main tech number and they gave me your number. So. Yeah, I have a blackberry. How do I make it work?”

J-FIT: “Ok, well on the center of your screen you’re going to see an icon…”

Liz: “Wait. Sorry. Wait. It’s not on yet. How do I make that happen?”

J-FIT: “You’re going to want to push the red button.”

Liz: “Yeah, my whole blackberry is black.” (internal dialogue: that’s why they call it a BLACKberry, not at REDberry, am I right?!” zing!)

J-FIT: “Just look for a button that looks like an on button.”

Liz: “Ok! Found it and pressing it, but it still won’t start.”

J-FIT: “Did you put in the battery?”

Liz: “No. Where is the battery?”

J-FIT: “Did you look in the box?”

Liz: “No! Ok! Found it….got it to turn on….sorry, one sec, it’s turning on…almost on…ok, now it is on!”

J-FIT: “Ok, so you’re going to want to look for the icon that says…”

Liz: “Whoops, wait, nope, sorry. So sorry, I know you’re probably like, so sick of me already but now it is asking me if I want to set up my sim card. Do I want to set up my sim card.”

J-FIT: “Did you put the sim card in the phone.”

Liz: “Nope.”

J-FIT: “Well, you’re going to need to do that.”

Liz: “Let me guess, it is in the same box as the battery! Haha! Found it.”

J-FIT: sigh.

 

Liz: “Ok, put it in! It’s turning back on. One sec…almost there…we’re just about on…anddddd…on!”

J-FIT: “Ok, so now you are going to want to look for an icon ….”

I’ll stop here. This madness went on for over an hour. After finally logging onto the phone he asked me for my phone number. Of course I didn’t know it and couldn’t find it. “It should be listed on the side of the box,” said J-FIT. There were 13 different numbers listed on the side of the box. I tried calling my landline from my blackberry, to see what popped up on my caller ID, but kept getting a message saying I was denied. So we called T-Mobile headquarters and spoke with a nice man named Walter who kept calling me Tracy (“nope, it’s Elizabeth”) and said weird, canned customer servicey things like “Well! This is no good! We’ll get you up and running to better stay in touch with your co-workers, friends and loved ones.” It took him 15 minutes to figure out that my bberry was just set up for emails, hence being denied call access.

J-FIT: "So, your phone is just for e-mail?"

Liz: "Ok!"

J-FIT: "No, I was asking you a question."

Liz: "Oh, who knows."

(I think he loves me!)

We finally got me to the icon J-FIT was so flipping obsessed over and set up my email. It took the phone several minutes to get updated, and it kept us in the loop with how far along it was. I periodically updated him with the status.

“We’re at 11 percent initialized, John.”

“17 percent!”

“40 percent, John! The big 4-0!”

“Home stretch now, comin into the 90’s.”

J-FIT did not respond to any of these updates, as he had now set his telephone to mute, presumably to cover the sound of ice cubes clinking in the large glass of whiskey I had driven him to pour. Sorry for ruining your day, J-FIT. I really thought we had a connection for a while there.

So, long story long, I have haltingly entered the world of modern techno gizmos. I look forward to answering emails on the go, keeping in touch with my co-workers, friends and loved ones and sitting my blackberry on the table while dining in fine restaurants so everyone can see that I am important. I just hope they don’t look too closely and realize I’ve entirely forgotten to turn it on.