Another Awkward Week - Thanksgiving Edition [11.27.15]

Gobble, Gobble, Turkeys! Who's excited for Thanksgiving? I'm pumped UP! Get at me, stuffing.

To be honest, I've actually been a little anxious about the impending holiday (LOL, who me? Anxious? Well I nevah!). We're squeezing a lot into a few short days: first in NJ with Brian's parents,then down to Philly to stay at my sister's & do a second turkey dinner and thennnn go up to my hometown in PA to attend my 10 Year High School reunion, for which I have been very actively involved in the planning committee because I have sucker printed big & bold on my forehead, apparently, and then back up to NYC on Sunday to return to the real world.

These are all wonderful things and will be great fun, but I've been worried, I have! This is the first year that Brian & I are doing holidays together - my first Thanksgiving away from my immediate family. I know this is just life and adulthood and I need to nut up and get over it, but it feels strange. I'm at once excited and a little bit sad, mourning the end of The Way Things Always Are, instead of eagerly looking ahead to building a new family unit with Brian. I don't want either of our families to feel left out or given the short end of the deal.Then, this reunion, which can't be a failure because everyone from high school will hate me! Which...why do I care? I shouldn't, but I do. I don't want to let anyone down. Anywhere. Ever!

I just want everyone to be happy and for everything to be perfect all the time forever and an eternity, amen. Is that too much to ask?!

Probably. Mayhaps (an excellent, underused word!) I should be using my brainspace to focus on the good, rather than dramatically worry? MAYHAPS!

And so, in no particular order and certainly not complete, a few things I am thankful for this year:

First and Foremost: Cheesy Clipart 

The 3 F's: My Family, Friends and Fiance (!)

A few more F's: French Fries, Fresh Flowers, Farmers Markets, Fleece, Feminism, Forks and Frosties (of the latter, I haven't had one in years, but I'm just thankful to know they exist.) 

Hulu Plus

Hiking Trails (& strong legs for those mountain climbs!)

Instagram

Sandwiches

My Covered Wagon Lamp

Taylor Swift

The Color Green 

Decorative Gourds

And, of course: all you weirdos who let me rant and rave and tell strange stories on the internet and somehow find that entertaining. Y'all complete me, you really, really do. 

So for you, for YOU I say, why don't we stop being so damn earnest and get funky fresh. A quick look at what was keeping it awkward this short, carbo-laden week.

These Groceries:

20131123_133032

Over the weekend, I stopped by the market to pick up some fresh healthy business because it is a known scientific FACT that if you eat at least one piece of fruit every day for the week before Thanksgiving, you can then have allll the pie and potatoes and wine and you will actually lose weight! Total true fact, gang.

I was walking out of the store when an onion fell down in front of me and I sort of kicked it with my foot, across the street.

I assumed it had just fallen out of the top of the bag. I laughed, picked it up and kept walking.

NOOOOOPE. Turns out the bottom of the bag had ripped open and suddenly all of my groceries went cascading onto the sidewalk. Apparently I had only purchased round foods, so they then went rolling in all directions. I scrambled around on my hands and knees on the dirty sidewalk, chasing after apples and lemons and onions, oh my!

A man actually walked past me and said "you a mess, girl."

OH AM I? No duh, neighbor. Charmed, I'm sure.

It probably didn't help that I was sporting this get-up, in public:

20131123_131107

Oh yes. That'd be moccassins (with a hole in one toe), Valentine's Day socks pulled up OVER leggings, a neon blue t-shirt and severely greasy hair all topped off by that food-stained, grotesque zip-up hoodie which should never be allowed out of the house. I actually acquired that beautiful specimen on a first date many a years back.  The guy was polite enough to give me his jacket when I was cold...but not so polite as to ever call me again, so I got to keep the sweatshirt. Booyah. I should don't know if I should feel like, insulted that I never heard from this guy,  but c'mon, dude wore a poop-colored sweatshirt on a first date...nothing to waste too many tears on. 

This Plastic Bag:

20131124_185521

Remember that guy from American Beauty who was all obsessed with the beauty of plastic bags blowing in the wind? Well, imagine how many more Oscars that film would have won if one of the plastic bags had blown up and hit a beautiful young (ish) lady right in the face as she was walking to dinner.

Imagine THAT!

Just look at that bastard, hanging out in a tree, taunting me. I'll get you back, bag. Never rest. When you least expect it: oh, I'll be there.

Other inanimate objects getting all up in my business this week...

This Umbrella:

20131126_233458

I came home from the movies late last night (Catching Fire! One Million Stars! Movie of the Year!) and it was a torrential downpour outside. I closed my umbrella when I came in the building and went to leave it outside of my apartment door, to dry. I guess I dropped it way hard and it landed riiiight on the top which somehow caused a chain reaction, forcing the umbrella to POP open, smacking into my shins and causing me to trip into my front door.

I almost died. Right there in my own doorway. I'd NEVER make it in the Hunger Games.

And that's my week! Short and sloppy. Just like I like my turkeys.

What are YOU thankful for this year?!!! 

Wishing a very Happy Thanksgiving, to all near and far. Strangers or friends. Or foes! Even foes! Have you ever called someone a foe in real life? Like "oh, that guy over there, he's my foe." That's another word we need to bring back into day to day conversation.

And a Happy  Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish peeps out there. Shalom! Mazel Tov! Other Jewish Words!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [11.30.12]

Good morning to you all and happy Friday! What a long week. It was strange how early Thanksgiving fell this year (the earliest statistically possible! #math), that a week has already passed and we're still in November. I dove headfirst into the Christmas spirit the moment Santa's sleigh pulled into Herald Square last week and have been listening to Holiday Tunez and decorating all week - I recently downloaded that website / app/ whatever called Spotify mostly so that I could listen to Taylor Swift for free (I know, I KNOW).  It links to your Facebook account so all of your friends can see what kind of music you're into. I've been getting ragged on all week for my Holiday endless stream of Christmas music,  which include copious amounts of James Taylor and the new John Travolta/Olivia Newton John album "This Christmas" (lol THIS COVER!). My pals are so rude! Olivia N-J is a living treasure, these people wouldn't know Holiday Spirit if it punched them in the face. Which it wouldn't. It's far to sweet for that!  

Moving on! Here's what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Pen:

pen

And not just because this is the corniest picture I've ever taken. It's a wonderful pen with flowing purple ink. I always leave pens and markers uncapped on my desk and get ink all over my arms and shirt sleeves. Well, yesterday, I went to the ladies room and pulled down mis pantalones and saw I had purple ink on my LEG. On my upper thigh. Hence a photo of the pen, not the ink stained leg, this isn't that kind of blog. HOW did it get there?? The pants were black (one of the 3 pairs of skinny black pants I wear every day on rotation), so I couldn't see if there was purple smeared all over them. Did I black out and stick the pen down my pants? I don't think I'll ever solve this mystery!

These Nylons:

stockingsBecause I realized while doing laundry this weekend that I have over a dozen pairs of nude knee-high pantyhose. What woman under the age of 84 needs that many pair of flesh toned stockings? Me, apparently. <3 each and every pair. I also realized that it's not easy to take a photo of a pile of nude pantyhose, so I tried several angles and backdrops and then made this beautiful collage. DO feel free to print out and frame. It's the perfect holiday gift for all of your loved ones!

This Pillow: 

etsy

Because YES it is embroidered with a giant image of Martha Stewart's face. Creepy? Yet adorable. Etsy has a Holiday Pop Up Shop in SoHo in NYC for the next two weeks, I stopped by last night and spotted this beauty.  I actually totally love it and want it, please. If you're in NYC I'd recommend stopping by, it's a great place to look for gifts! They are not yet selling my beautiful knee-high pantyhose portrait series but do have lots of other cute stuff. I got THE most perfect lil gifties for my godson and his brother, I can't wait to share!

This CD: les mis

Because it arrived for me earlier this week and, when not rocking out to All I Want for Christmas is You, I've been listening to this bad boy and yes, I'm not afraid to admit, occasionally signing along. Oh, did I mention this has been happening in the workplace? My colleagues adore me. But I can't stop, I'm OBSESSED, just 26 more days til the movie comes outtttt, but who's counting. I'll have some deep thoughts on Les Mis for y'all next week. If you're not familiar with this epic musical, I'd suggest you spend the weekend catching up.

Also awkward: a friend reminded me this CD is available online, and for free and asked who still buys actual CD's anymore. Apparently the same people who own 67 pairs of nude pantyhose, that's who... It literally never even occurred to me to download this online. Hah! Welcome to the 21st Century, Liz.

This Hairball: 

wig

Because it's just a harmless wig, but it looks grotesque and scared me witless earlier this week. You may have noticed I never shared my Halloween costume here with y'all, because it wasn't as grand (or nearly as nude) as years past. In totally un-Liz Ho fashion, I put something half assed together at the last minute and went as Taylor Swift, with whom I am apparently now obsessed. It was actually pretty cute, even thought basically no one knew who I was supposed to be and one gal even called me Hanna Montanna. Sigh.

swifty

Anyway! The coupe de grace of the whole costume was that blonde wig, which I  tossed in the back of my closet after Halloween night. Earlier this week I was crouched down, digging through my closet for winter clothes and spotted that grotesque plastic bag of hair lingering in a dark corner. I thought it was an animal, screamed, and fell over backwards. Terrifying! I might need to do some home organization this weekend...

And there you have it, folks! How was your week? Did you do anything ridiculous? Do you love James Taylor? Did you buy me a Christmas present yet?

xoxo Liz

Another Awkward Week [10.26.12]

Happy Friday, my fine friends! How was your week? Mine was jam-packed and busy. I still don't know what I'll be slash do for Halloween this weekend, a fact that is stressing me out more than it should. I always win so hard at this holiday, how am I dropping the ball?? Luckily, today we have our corporate sponsored boozy costume party, which should be a raging success and hopefully ease my own personal failure. I can't tell you what my work costume is yet but it does involve one of those inflatable donut shaped pillows that people sit on to soak their hemorrhoids in the tub. Pretttty sexy!

Without further ado, here's what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Bakery 

Which I'm assuming sells tarts but might want to reconsider their font. (Sidenote: Once Upon a Fart is so the title of my memoir.)

This Graph

Polls are getting definitively penis shaped out in Ohio...

(From this article - I try to keep up with politics & all I can do is snicker and make wiener jokes. A true patriot.)

These CD's 

Because this week, much to my chagrin, I developed a debilitating Taylor Swift addiction. I find her so obnoxious but her music is so infectious and catchy and perfect and amazing. I think she might be a robot or an alien using sassy country pop revenge music to subdue us before her species comes and takes over the earth.

My new assistant purchased her new CD & burnt it for me, including track listings with her personal commentary (She finds Track 7 to be "meh" but at track 5 writes "I get goosebumps at 3:25, so sue me.") You guys, I think we picked a winner here!

This Corporate Slogan 

Because, ew, congrats?? I guess it's great to be the best at whatever you do. Also the fact that this sign was posted inside a porta-john in the median of a busy Brooklyn thoroughfare and is probably for construction worker use only but sometimes you've been at the park all day and you just really have to go and don't think you can make it home and it's not that gross, guys, they are #1 at picking up #2, so...yeah.

And that's my week in review! How was yours? Have a happy & safe Halloween if you celebrate it this weekend. Stay hydrated! Don't take homemade candies, they're filled with needles. And if you DO wear a pleather sailor girl outfit, I don't want to know.

xoxo Liz