Another Awkward Week - Olympics Edition! [2.21.14]

Здравствуйте, друзья! That'd be "Hello, Friends!" in Russian. Ohh yes, I've got a major case of Putin Fever. Juuust kidding he seems like a raging D but I do love me some 'lympics so...Sochi 4 Lyfe. At least until like, mid-next week when the 2014 Winter Games are but a distant memory and I've moved on to some other temporary obsession.

But for now! It's nothing but curling and speed skating and two man bobsledding round these parts and I maaaay have completely forgotten to document my ever-important life. So in honor of this XXII Olympiad, may I present, with limited comment...

Five Olympians Keeping It Awkward This Week:

Bob Costas

I mean....yes, your eye infection does seem uncomfortable but you're only making it worse by incessantly talking about it. I think the appropriate action in these situations is to confidently power forward as though nothing is wrong, not call attention to the problem. I mean, that's a move I would pull.

And if you're behaving socially in a way Liz Ho might ... you're doing it all very, very wrong.

Jeremy Abbott

Too soon?

I know, I'm the worst. This poor guy just saw his life's hopes and dreams and hard work crush beneath him on the ice and even managed to get up and keep skating and the closest I'll ever get to the Olympics is right here on my couch eating tostitos but people face planting is never not funny.

Am I wrong?

(DIS) honorable mention along with Abbott: ALL of the male figure skaters. Allegedly the premier atheletes in their sport and not a single one made it through without falling?! A disgrace, I say. A DISGRACE.

This Kid

Strike One: With one exception for Anne Lamott, I strongly disapprove of white people with dreadlocks.

Strike Two: WHAT are you wearing. This is the Olympics, dude, show some respect!

Ok, mostly this awkwardness reflects upon me. The hijinks (see: gum chewing on the podium!) and "fashions" of slopestyle snowboarding have revealed what a deeply prudish and conservative granny I truly am.

Olga Graf

Unzipped her skating uniform and forgot she was 100% topless underneath. YOU GO GIRL!!

(Also: how is she speed skating sans sports bra? You srsly go girl.)

These Gods

Just awkward for the rest of us pathetic schlubs who have to wake up every morning and contend with the cold, hard truth that we'll never ever be as perfect as Davis and White.

Annnnd the end. Gold Medal in the "Laziest Blogger Competition: Short Performance."

What is your fave Olympic moment?? Let's dish!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

One Awkward Blackout

Good news, everyone! I’ve discovered something even more boring than football. Power outages during football games. Are y’all watching the Superbowl? What a disaster! Can these clowns not play in the dark? You know who could handle this mess: The Dillon Panthers and/or East Dillon Lions. Someone get Coach Taylor on the line immediately. Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Shut this down.

In honor of these lights out shenanigans, here is a partial list of things I find even more boring than football:

- Baseball - Mowing the lawn - The “Jailbird Bates” storyline on Downton Abbey - Moby Dick - Corporate Strategy Meetings - Listening to Jay Leno read the phone book - Bradley Cooper - The Superbowl Commercials 2013 - Church - Slideshows of other people’s vacations - BLT’s without mayonnaise - Listening to commentators speculate about mid-football game blackouts.

BRING BACK BEYONCE!

Ok - So, this game is getting slightly interesting but I'm hitting print so I'll stand by my word: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

One Awkward Pep Talk

Hi everyone. I'm VERY stressed out right now. You all remember The HoBags, of course. (Hiiii Ron Livingston!!) Well, they have a big, big weekend ahead and I'm just so nervous for my boys. We started out strong, leading the league for several weeks, but hit a rough patch towards the end of the season. Who's to say where it went wrong - was it my fault, for that one time I accidentally started half a team on bye weeks, and we lost to the last place team? Was it Dez Bryant's fault, for choking under pressure? Was it Greg Olsen's fault for being a fucking terrible tight end? Maybe it's a little bit of everyone's fault - there's no I in TEAM, after all - but I'm still placing most of the blame on Olsen. I mean, I don't actually know what a tight end does, but I don't think you're doing it right, Greg!! No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. You had an off week, followed by another off week, but you've got a lot of heart, kid, and you're as valuable as any of the other players (except for all of the other players, zing!) and I need you to play your best this week. Because the HoBags are in the Playofffssss.

And we are ranked to lose :/

This is a really big moment for me! Shockingly, I've never exactly excelled at anything athletic. Well, I was voted MVP of the soccer team in high school...the JV team, that is. "Congratulations, you are the best of all of the worst players on our team!" Once, my coach actually told me that my role as lead bench warmer was as valuable as playing in the game. "You're just so spirited and enthusiastic. No need to put your cleats on, you won't be going in." And, even though I now know that spirit and enthusiasm are much more important life skills than kicking a ball really hard, that was some pretty tough criticism for an overachieving 17-year-old to handle. (Also, Backup Quarterback Carson Palmer, if you're reading this, I meant what I said this morning. I really do value your spirit and enthusiasm on the bench! And no, you still can't play.)

So, anyway, because I'm such a neurotic weirdo, still recovering from a lifetime of athletic rejection, I'm placing a lot of unrealized dreams in the hands of my Fantasy Football team. I really want to win this thing. But, also, I'm being such a girl about it. I have a hard time dropping or adding players, not just because I don't know how to do a waiver-trade (that's a thing, right?), but also because I can't stand the thought of breaking up the crew.

"I know he might be up against a tough defense this week, but I just can't not start Rashard Mendenhall. He's just been so good to me this year, played so hard for me, I can't betray him like that."

Um...Rashard Mendenhall doesn't know you, Liz. Nor does he play well for the HoBags, which is just an imaginary team ranked by some sports nerd out in internet world. He plays well for the Pittsburgh Steelers - because he loves competition, and money, and banging chicks (probably? That's what sports are about, right?), but as far as the HoBags are concerned, well, I don't think he knows they exist.

And yet...and yet. I just can't let him go. So he'll be starting this week, along with the rest of my original lineup, including potentially still injured tight end Zach Miller (which means, whoops, Greg Olsen, looks like you're cut after all...). This may make us underdogs, but so were the Mighty Ducks, and I think we all know how that turned out.

Go get 'em, boys!