Another Awkward Week [5.23.14]

Hey buddies! What's up? It's a long weekend, whoop whoop! Well, in America, anyway. Sorry foreigners. Sucks to be you! I'm heading down to Pennsylvania for the weekend,  tomorrow I'm having a bridal shower (for ME!), hosted by my sweet Aunt Lena & cousin Lisa.  I'm so excited! And I'm excited that I'm excited which sounds nuts, but well, that's me. For a while I was being kind of a weirdo about the whole thing - I thought everyone would think I was being really demanding and obnoxious, asking them to drive all the way to PA, when they already have to travel for the wedding, and would I look like I was just trying to get more presents. For someone who purports to LOVE being the center of attention, I'm sort of freaking out now that my moment in the spotlight has finally arrived!

Luckily I have some smart friends and family who reminded me that I am a lunatic and I might need to calm down. That it is OK and not annoying  to be excited about my wedding. That people are travelling not because I'm making them, but because they want to, because they love me, and love Brian and are happy to celebrate our impending union. It's going to be such a lovely day with the most special ladies in my life and I'm already feeling very honored and loved.

And EXCITED. So excited that I've already said that word seventy-five times in just these four paragraphs! Get a thesaurus, Liz.

Fun fact: I have a really hard time saying that word, thesaurus. I always say suh-tharus, instead of the-saur-us. Ha! A few years ago I worked on a book about Roget, the guy who invented the thesaurus and the word was right in the title and every time I had to say it out loud I would get really nervous about messing up and inevitably mess up even worse and it was just horrifying. HORRIFYING! I totally forgot about that until just this moment and now I'm reflexively cringing, so embarrassed for my past self. GAH young Liz. It does NOT get better.

Ok enough rambling about bridal showers and thesarusues (thesauri?) and insanity. Let's take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Dress:

20140518_084020

Worn to Brian's sister's graduation on Sunday and COVERED in coffee.

We drove from NJ to PA early on Sunday morning and packed bagels and to-go coffees with sturdy, closeable lids for the ride.Brian's mom realized just moments after we pulled from the driveway that she had forgotten the roll of paper towels she meant to toss in, just in case anyone spilled.

"No worries!" chirped the grownup adult woman from her perch in the backseat. "We'll be fine!"

I was pretty good for most of the way until just a few miles from the campus, when I precariously propped my coffee mug in my lap without fully closing the lid.

Suddenly, Brian called out from beside me: "Liz! Your mug is tipping!" So I did what any rational person would do when a hot cup of liquid is spilling over on their thighs which is to flail my legs even more causing the spill to go from a minor drip to a full on drenching.

REALLY coulda gone for those paper towels right then.

Saving graces: 'twas a dark dress and I found a stray shout wipe in  my purse! That baby did the trick and more, by the time we made it to graduation the only remaining trace of the incident was a lingering smell of coffee.

Eau de floor of a Starbucks after a long summer's day.

Whilst at said graduation I acquired...

This Sunburn:

20140518_174612

First of the year! Complete with a weird little white stripe across the middle where my necklace was resting.

Happens every season!

I have to be careful this year...I have to somehow make it all summer without kooky tan lines, so I'm not covered in splotches and white patches in all of our wedding photos. I keep meaning to try my bikini top on under my wedding dress to see if I can wear it or need to get a new one. HA! Sounds insane butttt I think it is necessary. Maybe I'll just have someone sew me a dress in the pattern of my wedding gown and wear that all day every day so I have absolutely perfect lines come August 16?

THAT would be insane.

(orrrr would it?!)

This Skirt:

20140520_181200

That is a thick layer of dust...apparently the French Connection in SoHo cleans their dressing rooms about as often as I clean my house. Aka: never.

I visited this store not once but twice in the past week, along with probably every single store in the greater NYC metropolitan area, on an epic quest for the perfect dress for this weekend's festivities. I bought and returned and bought and returned several different options and ordered a few things online - one of which is lost in the mail and one of which is being held at a FedEx facility on 108th Street in Brooklyn. I didn't even know there was a 108th Street in Brooklyn but apparently they is and they are holding hostage a sundress from Piperlime. Can't wait to go pick THAT up.

After all of these shenanigans, I finally caved yesterday and splurged and spent basically all of my discretionary income on a dream dress from Kate Spade that I'd been lusting after for weeks. I've already justified the exorbitant expense,  by promising myself I will wear it at least three times a week until I die so basically this dress has pretty much already paid for itself. In fact, they paid ME! I hope everyone likes it as much as I do cuz y'all are going to be seeing a lot of it.

In other fashion news, check out the shoes I rocked all week...

These Moccasins:

20140521_074824

Yes, friends, that IS my big toe.

You may recall I shared these about a year ago when dat derre rip was juuuusssst beginning and here we are, a full year later and much much rippier (it's a word) and I've yet to throw them out.

I'd get a new pair but I just spent all my money on that dress so...open toed moccasins: the hot trend for spring! You heard it here first!

This Band-aid:

20140522_132255

I'm finally getting serious about my nail/finger biting problem, I can NOT allow myself to have bloody, ragged fingers at our wedding, I just can't.

My thumbies are my weakness, they're just so easy to attack, so all week I've been wrapping my thumbs in band-aids in an attempt to save myself from myself.

Unbeknownst to me I purchased a box of "designer strips" which means these are no ordinary bandages, OH NO, but beautifully ("beautifully") patterned fashion band-aids. So far this week I've rocked bandages that look like they're bedecked in sequins, in black lace, in some kind of modern abstract art, and this one, my favorite, which had teeny tiny photos of models walking the catwalk.

WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THIS? Why would someone want to wear bandaids with tiny little fashion models on them? They're so small you can't even see what they're wearing! WHYYY is this even a thing that exists in the world and why do I own it.

Kids get Sponge Bob and Dora and grownups get mini little ladies shaking their little tushes on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah.

I'm to sexy for my bandaid, to sexy for my bandaid...

IF ONLY there was a designer band-aid for my brain that would make me into less of a weirdo. THE END of this madness, I am outta here. Have a spectacular Memorial Day weekend and if you think I'm not going to be back with a full report from my big weekend, you're drunk. My mom told me it is traditional for the mother of the bride to buy her daughter sexy lingerie soooo that blog post can pretty much write itself.

Smooches!

Liz Ho

 

Another Awkward Week [4.26.13]

Happy Friday, all of you beautiful butterflies. How was everyone's week? I am happy to report that I made it through seven straight days without spilling ANYTHING on my clothing. A new record for sure. That said, a friend of mine informed me that she dropped a meatball down the front of her top and the first thing she thought of was not how she was going to get the stain out or whether or not the meatball was still edible but ME. My life is complete. Blogs (and you know, personal writing in general) are such a weird thing and it's not unusual to question what exactly you hope to get out of this exercise in narcissism and I realize now, that is just what I want: to be the first thing on anyone's mind when they spill food on themselves.

Also: to have a movie made about my life.

Just two simple, realistic goals.

My week was a little meh, I must be honest. I've been struck by severe seasonal allergies/ a spring cold and my head has been beyond stuffed up. I feel like I'm supporting a bowling ball on my neck and am totally fuzzy and lethargic and having a difficult time focusing, none of which is made much better by the Zyrtec I keep slamming, which just adds to my general air of complete confusion. So if I'm even loopier today than usual, forgive me. Between mother nature and allergy pills, I'm high as a kite.

ALSO, breaking news, I might have to take back what I juuuuust wrote four second ago about not spilling, because literally as I sat here typing this dumb post, our mail guy came in to give me a package and in reaching for the package I knocked a mug of tea all over my desk including my calendar and work notebook. Live from New York, I'm makin' a mess!

So...Days Without Spills: seven ZERO

It's a rough life over here. Why don't we see what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Elevator:

elevator

On Monday I was riding down for lunch, standing in the back corner of the elevator, just totally spacing out. I guess I zoned so far out that we reached the ground floor and everyone else exited, leaving me just standing there staring into space. I came to and found myself facing a group of women staring at me curiously, debating whether they should just get on the elevator or say something to  me or I don't know, check my  pulse to see if it was dead.

I said "Oh geez, whoops!" and gave a THUMBS UP to the crowd of onlookers and then ran away.

Also, this just happened: I needed a photo of said elevator, so I went out into the elevator bank on my floor and surreptitiously snapped an image of a closed elevator door with my phone, and was going to just turn around and go right back in, but then decided I should make it look like I was doing something normal, in case the receptionist was watching me (she wasn't), so I boarded the next elevator to arrive - there was one other passenger, a guy, aboard - got to the lobby, exited, stopped and made a whole scene of patting my pocket and said "oh, no, I forgot my wallet" to the other passenger slash thin air, but I needed to make the whole scene look realistic in case anyone was wondering what I was up to (again,  no one was), then got back into an empty elevator, rode it up four floors and took this selfie on the way up.

NORMAL STUFF. Workin' hard.

Also: It's hard to view in this image but I am straight rocking this mint green zip up hoodie that I have had since 2001 and is now covered in weird rips and stains. I brought it into work to wear to the gym but instead left on the back of my chair and now have been wearing every single time I feel cold, which is every day. So, yes, today happens to be casual Friday and I happen to be wearing a highly professional flannel, but even days when I'm looking corporate chic, I end up covering it all with a ripped sweatshirt.

Employee of the Century.

These Flats:

flats

I got them at Urban Outfitters a few years ago and never ever wear them and this week was like hey! these shoes! who do I never wear them? And so I wore them...and remembered why. They're cheaply made and feel it - the soles are terribly thin and offer no support, so I added an insole. Except the insole makes my foot stand too high in the shoe, so I can't walk without them falling off of my feet.

I lost them walking down the hallway at work. Coming up the subway stairs (ew). Crossing the street to get home.

You'd think I might have switched out for one of the five pairs of shoes still under my desk, but unfortch that idea did not occur to me until right now. Too late.

If anyone wants a pair of crap flats that look cute when standing still but are 147% impossible to move in: they're alllll yours.

This Combo: 

gatsby

Some night over the weekend I was going to meet a friend and wanted a slim book so I could read on the subway without having to lug around anything too heavy at the bar, so I tossed The Great Gatsby in my purse, figuring I'd been meaning to re-read it anyway, and would be all caught up just in time for the movie, so I could fully engage in any highfalutin debates about why the book was better or how the themes didn't translate to big screen or how Baz Luhrman really missed the mark on using 3-D to engage viewers with the eyes of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg or whateverrr.

I forgot how much I love that book. What a great read!

Also, I realized on the subway mid-week that in addition to reading TGG I was carrying around my Gatsby tote bag (which I won as a door prize at a work event, booyah), basically looking like some kind of F. Scott Fitzgerald Super Fan slash Super Huge Nerd slash incredibly fashion-forward literary type who matches all of her accessories to her novel. I'll go with the last one.

I guar-an-teeee you there is at least one weirdo working in publishing who does/could, in fact, pull off this nerdalicious fashion trend. I aspire to be that person.

This Sidewalk Crack:

crack

Did I trip on it this morning? Yes.

Did I fall and rip my jeans? Blessedly, no.

Did anyone see? Tons.

Did one of the witnesses say "Be careful and god bless you on your journey today"? You betcha.

This Tree:

semen trees

Because it is gorgeous and possibly the cause of my cotton head and also smells like semen.

Say wha?!

You heard me! These beautiful trees blossom all over NYC and the first spring I was dating Brian, he pointed out how smelly they were and told me how he & his buddies always said they smelled like sperm.

To which I turned up my prim nose and said 'you, sir, are an immature boar" and pranced away. Just kidding, I laughed and laughed and LAUGHED because I, too, am an immature boar and how funny is the word semen? tee hee!

Also, tis' true, these trees do reek of man juice. (Just, no one question how I know that.) (Sorry mom!) Now every spring, we walk around and remark "my my, what a beautiful semen scented morning!" or "Spring and sperm are in the air!" and oh, how we chuckle.

It's pretty sophisticated humor, you guys, keep up!

Turns out, we're not alone: several news articles have been written on this very subject, including one in the ever illustrious New Yorker.

Sooo, with jizz in the air, maybe it's a good thing I can't smell this week?!

This Cucaracha:

cockroach

Well, one of his real-life, much more disgusting counter parts, but I didn't want to put a real photo of a real cockroach on le blog because ew.

So Tuesday morning I was at Brian's house, he was in the shower and I was sitting on the couch in my towel, drinking my tea and reading the internet when I noticed a movement on the floor beside me and what to my wondering eyes should appear but a GIGANTIC COCKROACH scuttling all around the living room floor like he owned the damn place.

Now, allow me to make a momentary disclaimer lest you think Brian is some gross bug infested monster person, he is actually quite clean and if I do say so myself, adorable. But this is New York, the grossest city in the whole world and bugs (and rodents, yech) are basically housepets 'round here.

All of which might make you think I'd be unafraid of them, but you would be incorrect in that assumption. Apparently I am a squealy, squeamish, pathetic little girl for when I saw Old Roach Face, I immediately pulled my legs up on the couch and just started yelling "BRIAN! BRIAN!" but he didn't hear me over the noise of the shower. I thought about throwing something at it, but the only things within my reach were a drinking glass and Biran's work-issued laptop, neither of which seemed like good options.

So I just sat there like a baby and watched as the dumb bastard crawled around the floor and eventually underneath the coffee table, presumably into the running shoes stored under there, where he would live forever and lay eggs and mutate into a colony of one million killer cockroaches.

Brian got out of the shower and talked me off the ledge and I managed to muster up the courage to get off the couch and sprint over to the bed, where my clothes were tossed, so I could get dressed for the day. I had no sooner dropped my towel when this jerk of a roach came zipping out from under the coffee table, across the floor right next to me. Real impressive timing, perv, right when I was undressed!

I lept up onto the bed and stood there completely naked as the day I was born just flipping out. "Brian! Brian! He's back! He's going into your closet!  He's touching your belts!!" Brian bravely and calmly threw a giant math textbook (of course) at the beast and it didn't kill him, but did seem to scare him into the deep recesses of the closet, where he has not been seen or heard from again.

It was horrific.

Not so much the bug, but my behavior. When did I become, like, Gloria from Modern Family? Not in va-va-voomishness, of course, but in shrill hysteria? I live in a dirty city and have encountered skads of creepies and crawlies in my day and will likely encounter many more in my future and yet this one bug sent me flying into a butt-naked freak out.

Quite the scene, my friends. Quite the scene.

I will do my best to work on my bug bravery, but I can't make any promises. Yuck, yuck, YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKY.

And on that note, the end! What a week, guys. I have already had four cups of tea this morning, to flush out this cold, and my head remains stuffed but I'm running to the ladies room ever 20 minutes. Can you pee out a cold? Is that a thing? Starve a fever, pee out a cold?

Oy yoy yoy. Enough.

Everyone, I hope your weekend is full of semen blossoms and empty of bugs and a delight from start to finish.

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [2.8.13]

Good news, everyone! It is Friday and I am still alive. I don't want to get too cocky but I think the chunky garlic juice worked. Medical miracles y'all. Well, I'm still not feeling 100% and miiiight call an actual doctor today, like a responsible human, or I might just lay around and complain about how tired I am. Good news is: it looks like I'll have a nice, lazy ol' weekend.  Nemo Comin'! Per this New York Magazine article, NYC could get anywhere from zero to 38 inches of snow today into tomorrow -- a totally reasonable range that does not at all sound like something I'd make up as a hilarious exaggeration for a blog joke. More serious weather pundits are now saying we're due for somewhere closer to a foot. I'm so ready. Stuck inside all weekend with nothing to do but drink wine and lay around and catch up on Nashville? Well don't mind if I do.

Now without further ado, here's what was keeping it awkward this week.

These People:

new girl

Because you guys, I have a confession: I like New Girl! AAAH. Backstory: I have a general distaste for Zooey Deschanel in that terrible girl-on-girl hate kind of way, I just find her insufferably chipper and twee and obnoxious and also I'm crazy jealous that SHE'S the gal who gets to wear the "adorkable" crown and represent awkward girls everywhere and all guys want to sleep with her even though she'd probably narrate the entire sex act in song accompanied by a ukulele and match  her hair bow to her lingerie and where's MY TV SHOW??? So yeah, I'd been avoiding New Girl like the plague, even after cool people, people whose TV tastes I trust, told me over and over that I'd like it. I held strong, I did! But suddenly this weekend I found myself compelled to watch just one episode on Hulu and then just one was eight was two seasons and now I'm in love.

I don't even know what I stand for anymore. All of my principles and values, gone. Is this who I am, in the post 30 Rock world?

This Gate:

20130206_170057

This is one of three turnstiles that everyone must pass through when going in and out of my office building. Those metal arms in the middle swing both ways, depending on if you're coming or going, and every now and again they go a little haywire. Tuesday I left the office around 10:30 AM, due to my deadly illness. I went to exit through one of the turnstiles, but instead of swinging out to let me through, the arms swung back towards me, trapping me where I stood. I backed away to allow them to cool off and right themselves. They swung back to their center resting spot and then opened forward as I approached, only to wildly swing back towards me, slamming me on the thigh and trapping me in their embrace.

I yelped. People saw. I have a giant bruise the color, size and shape of a large eggplant on my upper left thigh. SMOOTH MOVES.

Speaking of yelping and scene causing...

This Mess:

20130204_135713

I usually eat lunch at my desk because I have a sad and dismal life and also we don't have a work kitchen where people can sit down like civilized human beings and enjoy a meal. Monday I was starving, as always, and was shoveling my leftover black bean chili (recipe here - so recommended!) in my piehole with such intense vigor that the force of my spoon actually FLUNG my tupperware container right off the desktop and all over my floor slash dress.

As the soup flew off of my desk in dramatic slow motion I yelled "Oh God!" so loudly that a passing colleague stopped to check in on my well being. NOTHIN TO SEE HERE. Keep on moving.

Lucky for me the tupperware landed bottoms up, so I was able to salvage some of the remains of the soup. Tiny victories.

What else is under my desk (aside from the now permanent chili stains), as long as we're down there? Let's take a look!

This Ikea Bag:

goodwill

Full of old clothes. I brought this into work right before I moved to my current apartment, intending to then sell them to a thrift store or something. This was 1.5 years ago. Still there.

Two Rolls of Wrapping Paper:

wrapping p aper

Sure. Why not.

This Charger:

charger

To an old cell phone. Necessary.

Five Pairs of Shoes:

shoes

Those black boots have been re-soled probably 8 times and then last winter one of the heels just fell right off while I was walking to lunch one day. They're unsalvagable and have been sitting literally right next to a garbage can for over a year now and yet I have not physically placed them in said garbage can to get rid of them. WHYYYYY.

And finally, wait for it, waiiiiit for itttt....

This Wig:

wig2

Part of a Halloween costume from like 4 years ago (sassy grannies on their way to Atlantic City), I've been storing this gem under my desk for some reason. Why don't I wear this every day?

The sad part is, that is totally what my actual hair would look like if I cut it short. Let this be a reminder to me should I ever decide to go for that classic Mom style. Future Liz, you are can NOT pull this off.

The end! Wasn't that a fun tour of the disgusting place where I spend approximately 80% of my waking hours? Am I going to clean out under there now that I've revealed my dirty secrets to the world? Not a chance!

I hope everyone has an absolutely delightful weekend. If you're in the path of the Snowacane, be safe! And if you live somewhere other than the East Coast, well, you be safe too. Everyone be safe! Buckle up! Don't drink and drive. Condoms every time! Wear a helmet! Read instructions before assembling any construction projects. Don't operate heavy machinery after drinking cold syrup. Just...be safe.

xoxo Liz Ho