Awkward Afternoon Delight: Jon Hammeos

I was talking to my good friend Large Marge last week and she said she thought my blog would be better if it had more photos and/or videos. And then I told her to mind her own beeswax and punched her in the face. Just kidding! I like where her head’s at. So I’ma take that advice. Marge actually inspired my post on serial killers.** Word on the street is, and this is totally just a rumor, you so didn’t hear it from me, but she’s one of those ladies who writes love letters to prisoners on death row and then brings them cakes and marries them through the jailhouse bars and stuff. Don’t tell her I told you, she’s crazy!

Taking her great advice, I’m starting a new feature called Awkward Afternoon Delight. (Maybe it won’t be called this? I was pretty psyched about it but now that I see it typed out I think it looks kinda dumb? Accepting suggestions in the comments or, thanksss.) Every afternoon I’ll share tidbits I find on the World Wide Web: awkward videos, photos, links, etc. This is in addition to, not in place of, my own hilarrrious life stories. No need to fret, I’ll never stop talking about myself.

So! Without further ado I present Jon Hammeos (Link from Jezebel, photo from my spank bank):

So I guess this vid isn't that awkward but the uncontrollable moans of ecstasy this video causes me might make some of my co-workers uncomfortable. JK that's both a joke and kind of gross but I did watch the video while trying to eat yogurt with a plastic butter knife so, still awkward!  

** UGH NO comment on the Casey Anthony scandal, my brain has not yet been able to process the web of complex and unnecessary emotions. Yesterday six separate people texted me the second they announced the verdict and today, one of them said “it's kind of weird how whenever I see her I think of you.” Real cool legacy I’m establishing for myself.

One Awkward (and by Awkward, I mean gruesome) Obsession

I am so bored, you guys. So bored. The summer has set in and the publishing industry is no longer providing the thrills necessary to keep me going. I’m afraid I might not really like my job all that much. Like, I’d probably make out with it, maybe even go to second base, but I’m not sure I’d sleep with it. You know what I’m saying?! What a good analogy. Hand me my Pulitzer, good sirs!

In my boredom, I’ve realized that the thing I like to do most is to write funny things (actually, the thing I like to do most is read comments after I write funny things and then sit and think about how many people like me) (not a joke) and I realize the only way I can become better at writing and maybe turn it into some sort of real job (or at least get more people to like me) is to do it every daaay. So I will! Or won’t. We’ll see.

I’ve had great intentions to write these past few weeks but I’m afraid my mind has been elsewhere. Specifically, the Orange County Courthouse in Orlando, FL, home of the Casey Anthony murder trial. My current obsession. Of all the things I love in this great world of ours, sensational murder cases would probably be in the top ten, somewhere after cheese and markers but slightly above peanut M&M’s. Also in the top ten: wine, facebook stalking and this picture:

But I digress. I am one of those sick, sick individuals who find pleasure hearing gruesome details of real life crimes. I’ve spent countless hours researching and forming opinions on all of the latest and greatest murders from Jon Benet Ramsey (little brother!) to Laci Peterson (husband, obviously) to Natalee Holloway (OMG ladies, never go off with strange men) to everyone’s fave Amanda Knox (guilty…by association!). I’ve been hot on the Casey Anthony story since it happened two years ago and, as much as I try to ignore the media circus, I just can’t quit you, Casey!

If you haven’t been following the trial, you need to put everything else aside, and I mean everything and check this shit out. Just go to literally any website in the whole world and you will find updates. Maybe set a Google alert? I don’t know just get involved. It is out of control, yo! Changes in alibis, wild stories concocted, a sticker is one of the main pieces of evidence. It is nuts! I love it! I hate myself so much for loving it!

The scariest thing is, some of the main evidence against the accused is a series of suspicious items in her web browser – searches for things like ‘chloroform’ and ‘neck breaking.’ While I’ve yet to google anything quite that specific, my web history would legit show searches such as “dead bodies in Long Island” and “who is the best serial killer ever?” I spent a full day reading this list from top to bottom:

And then morved on to this one:

Wow, this took a really weird turn.  Someone please validate my gruesome obsessions. Anyone? No one?


Yikes! Throw me in jail immediately.