One Awkward Race

Woo! Has everyone been watching the Olympics? I have...not. One of my roommates moved out and with her went our TV and therefore our Olympic watching capabilities. It is devastating. It is no secret that I love watching television, some even might say I live for it, and those people are correct. Life without a television is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and I would not wish this agony on anyone. I now know the meaning of that song “We Shall Overcome.” This is my cross to bear and I will bear it with pride. But oh, how I yearn for the Olympics! Second only to sports films, the Olympics are the best way to appreciate athletics. The ratio of human interest drama to actual sports is about 60 / 40, everyone is dead sexy (this guy is my current favorite, yowza!) and they’re over in just a few weeks, right when I start to get bored. Baseball, take note! This is how it is done. Cut down 95% of your games, fire all players with uninteresting personal histories, put a heartbreaking montage in between each inning and we will be in business. Sure I’ve caught up a bit on the internet, scrolled through hundreds of slideshows of Kate Middleton’s Olympic spirit (winner of the Gold Medal for Most Perfect Human) and caught TV at bars when I can, but it’s just not the same. Watching the London Games via GIF doesn’t quite do it justice.

Le sigh.

BUT! Maybe who needs the Olympics? “Who needs ‘em?” I ask!  For today, right here in Brooklyn, New York, a truly momentous athletic feat will be occurring. I, Elizabeth M. Hobags, representing the United States of America, will be running a 5 Kilometer road race.  That’s right. I’m pounding the pavement in the ol’ 5Kathalon. This should be interesting. The women have yet to run the 5K finals at London, but the current national record is 14 minutes and 11 seconds. I’m hoping to finish mine in under a half an hour. Or at the very least, just not die.

This is my first race in I think forever. I’ve been running more lately, half because I’m desperately insecure and want to look good in a bikini and half because Brian’s a big runner and he’s kind of gotten me into it. I’m certainly not advocating to change your hobbies because some may-un might layk it, but I do think it is nice to at least try to share in your partner’s interests, even if those interests involve breaking a sweat and watching middle-distance track races on the internet. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched a bunch of skinny dudes running 25 consecutive laps around a track. I don’t necessarily see it becoming my favorite pastime, but I do like challenging myself and feeling fit and I sure don’t mind watching my boyfriend jog around in his cute lil shorts.

So not to worry, everyone. I’m not going to turn into one of those work-out people, you know the type – shopping at Lululemon and tweeting about spin classes and putting up pictures of myself at the gym. We get it. You’re fit. Go home. Maybe (definitely) I am jealous, but I think there is a special place in Hell for girls who genuinely look good while running. I look like this:

And like Phoebe, I’m damn proud of it. So! If you’d like to se more of that, and who the hell wouldn’t, come on down to Prospect Park tonight and check me out. This race is part of the Al Goldstein Summer Speed Series, a bi-weekly 5K race along the ProspectPark loop, named after a still living, completely adorable (if mildly gropey) 80-something-year-old man. They give actual medals to the top 3 overall for both men and for women, plus medals to the top 3 finishers in smaller age group brackets. Brian has run twice so far and has both a gold and a silver. So, basically I’m sleeping with the Michael Phelps of the Al Goldstein Summer Speed Series. Jealous? Al G. himself goes to every race and he hands out the medals to the winners, making sure to kiss the female winners a little more than might be appropriate. You know I can’t resist a cute slash creepy old man with the hutzpah to get something named in his honor, while he’s still living. You are a hero among men, Al! I hope I win a medal!

Another bonus of tonight’s race, it only costs $5! That’s another thing I never understood about runners and races – they are so flipping expensive. Like, you have to pay THEM 25 or 40 or 50 of your hard-earned George Washingtons just so you can run around in a circle with hundreds of other people. Shouldn’t they be paying you to do that shit? Yes, I know many of these race funds go to charity but still. I am all for curing multiple sclerosis, or helping the homeless or whatever, but no. I will write checks from the comfort of my own couch or obviously go to any wine-centric fundraisers but, mark my words, no matter how into this running scene I get, I will pay anyone more than 5 bones to do so.

And that’s what I’m up to. Screw you, London Olympics! Just kidding, London Olympics, I’ll love you forever. If everyone could please think of me at 7 PM this evening and give a little cheer, I’d much appreciate it. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Once more, just because it is hilarious:

That’s not running, let’s goooo!

Oh Phebester. You slay me.