One Awkward Bathroom Break

My fans! Hello! I have not abandoned you. I've been so busy banging hot dudes and training for the 2010 Winter Olympics that I haven't had a spare moment to blog. Life can be so complex. You know what else is complex? Using the restroom at the office. You know what I'm talkin 'bout. Everybody poops. I just wish everyone did it at home. In my office we have one ladies room and one mens room for the whole floor. This means that every single person on our floor, from the President of the company through the front desk temps have to share the same john. I ain't shy about toilet issues (clearly, I'm blogging about it), but there are few things that make me more suicidal than office bathroom interaction.

Below are a few prime reasons why, when I’m President of the United States, I’ll mandate private bathrooms for every person in the world. Or at least at whatever company I happen to be employed:

  • The Same-Time Walk-In: You’re walking down the hall, and end up in-stride with a co-worker (best if a superior). Suddenly you realize you’re both headed for the ladies room. You walk side-by side into the bathroom, making awkward small-talk, trying to think of a way to wrap things up. “Well, good talking to you, Pam, good luck in there!”
  • The Stall-To-Stall Chatter: Even worse than above is the co-worker who wants to chat with you whilst on the loo. There is no need to do business while doing your business.
  • Sink Time: You and a co-worker stand side by side washing up. Who will finish first? You don’t want to seem groady. Just keep scrubbing. If you feel like getting frisky, make some competitive eye-contact in the mirror: “You think you’re more hygienic than me? I dare you to try.”
  • Makeup Time: Nothing says “Hi, I’m desperate and lonely and hoping to get felt up over a free dinner” like applying bronzer by the fluorescent light of the ladies room. No one needs to see that.
  • Anything, ever, involving a high-level boss in the lavatory: There have been times when I’ve purposefully gone to different floors in the building, backtracked on my way to the bathroom, or just plain held it for the rest of the day to avoid having to walk in on my boss applying her lipstick while I’m about to drop a deuce. Kill me.

Other awkward bathroom run-ins include Farting while you pee (it happens!), being on the same schedule (“Oh! You again! Haha!”), having a dude boss and walking out of the ladies room while he walks into the men’s room (Ickyyyy. Boy poop.), carrying supplies for ‘that time of the month’ (eerily reminiscent of Jr. High), and, we can get into this in further detail later, the beer shits.

And on that note, we’re done here.  Who's glad I'm back?

Had an awkward bathroom run-in? Leave it in the comments! (I’ve always wanted to say that).

One Awkward Brunch

So imagine you're at a super poshy restaurant, having brunch, sipping mimosas like Carrie B, and your eggs Benedict comes out burnt. You tell your waiter, right? What if someone spills water on the table? Tell the waiter. What if someone clogs the toilet? ...Tell the waiter? I mean, you need to let someone know, right? It's only polite. But what it wasn't your fault? You don't want him thinking he who smelt it dealt it.  And do you really need to be discussing toilet issues with the man serving you bagels and lox? Just no.

Anyway, this predicament presented itself to a friend of mine today. She took the mature route and alerted our waiter to the potty-blockage issue. All seemed under control until he stopped by our table to refill our drinks and ask "so, were you able to use the toilets? Did everything go OK in there?"

Ugh. TMI.

Some Notes Re Yesterday's Post

As much as I'd like to claim full credit for the hilarious iPad = Maxi Pad comparison, there are a few other brilliant minds out there who think like me.  I'm now going to demonstrate my amazing technological prowess by sharing a truly genius video (from 2005!) about iPads: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsjU0K8QPhs&videos=UNuKWjGNeSo&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1]

Also, if you'd like to further disgust yourself, check out how many other wordpress blogs contain the tag "pantyliners." You'd be surprised.

AwkWORD of the Day

Pad. As in (you guessed it) iPad. I mean, really Apple? iPad? That's the best you could do? I hate to get all potty-mouth here, but that sounds like a high-tech sanitary napkin. Does it come with wings? More absorbancy, less slippage? And then you go and discuss "iPad Apps?" That just makes me think of "applicator" as in tampon applicator (now flushable!) and now Apple products will forever be associated with the menstrual cycle. Menstrual, for the record, is another awkWORD so basically the iPad is the worst invention in history.

This blog post was disgusting! You're welcome, world.