One Awkward, Incurable Disease

The Common Cold. That's right folds, I've got the CC and I've got it bad. I have sneezed no less than 35 times today, each one louder than the last. And sneezing is just, well, awkward.

Most other bodily functions are kept semi-private,  or frowned upon when brought out in public. But a sneeze can not be prevented. Nothing is more uncomfortable for all parties involved when, mid-conversation, your nose tickles, face scrunches up, you breathe in-in-in, and...... blast. Sneeze. A wild noise fills the room and everyone stops and stares. The best is when you get snot and gook all over your hand/arm/neighbor and have to wipe it off. Especially if you don't have a tissue anywhere near you, so you're forced to walk down the hallway carefully hiding your mucous covered limbs.

Equally awkward: the almost-sneeze. You get the tickle, the face smush, breathe in-in-in, and...... nothing. Sometimes if you are lucky, like me, you'll have a series of almost-sneezes where nothing comes out your nose, but your eyes water like mad. Currently in between actual sneezes I'll have almost-sneezes accompanied by one watery eye. It's like I'm sitting here in my office crying from only my right eye.


A final awkward note about sneezing is not on the sneezer but those who witness the sneeze. Are you obliged to say something? What if you say 'Bless You' or, worse, "God Bless You" and they're an atheist. Or a MUSLIM! (That's basically the same thing, right?) What if they sneeze like 8 times in a row? Do you have to bless them every goddamn time? Is one bless sufficient? What if it is a stranger? Because I operate on two modes which are guilt and awkwardness, I am always conflicted between yelling "GOD BLESS YOU" across a crowded subway or, worse, looking like a bitch for not blessing those who are clearly ill and misfortunate.**

Basically the point of this story is twofold:

1. Sneezes are awkward

2. I'm sick. Feel sorry for me and give me attention.

The end,


** is "misfortunate" a word?