Another Awkward Week [7.25.14]

OMG hi! I know, I so did not blog last week. I'm sure EVERYONE noticed and barely survived. Forgive me?

I actually started to write my usual weekly thang but it just did not happen. Typically I at least draft them (believe it or not, the drivel I post here is actually edited. Scary, right?) on Thursady nights and then just clean up a scoonch and post on Fridays but last Thursday my friend was like "want to get drinks" and I was like "duh" and then when I got home it was 10:04 aka my bedtime and I had a big day ahead travelling to Pennsylvania so I set my alarm a whole 12 minutes early for the next morning to allow myself to get about a million things done before I caught my 9:05 AM train. I did manage to pack (see below),  eat half an avocado (normal), wander around the apartment for a while and attempted to squeeze in a quick Pilates sesh which was basically just me laying on the floor flopping around until Brian came in and inquired what, exactly, I was doing down there, and I gave up. I then sat down to blog, realized I had about 12 minutes left with which to shower and get to said train soooooo I ditched the blog.

Win some, lose some. Am I right? I'm right.

We then spent the weekend in Lancaster for THE weddingiest planniest of wedding planning extravaganzas: met with the florist (aka my awesome cuz Angie), hair trial, makeup trial, met with rehearsal dinner space, toured hotel where we're all staying, met the photographer, walked through venue, menu tasting and met with our officiant (aka my mom's BFF). It was long and kind of crazy but also awesome and I'm feeling so ready for la dia grande. Emotionally, anyway. Logistically, well, we'll just have to see about that one. It's so soon! I (understandably) couldn't sleep that Saturday night, my mom came out of her bedroom at 6:30 AM and found me wide awake, wild-eyed after having already drunk a full pot of coffee, furiously typing out to-do lists.

I have a feeling I'm going to be a real treat to hang out with these next 22 (but who's counting?!?!) days.

COOL STORIES, LIZ. Let's cut to the chase and take a look at what was keeping it awkward these last two weeks.

This Suitcase:

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From last weekend pre-trip to PA. Chock-o-block full of dirty laundry because somehow it is easier/better to haul dirty clothes 300 miles to a totally different state on multiple forms of transportation than it is to go down the street to the laundromat.

This is marginally better than the time I had Brian's mom wash my undergarments...but not by much.

This Get-Up:

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I worked out over lunch the other day and then came back and found out our office was hosting some kind of bake sale so I immediately undid all my hard work in le gym with a fat pile of cake. Worth it.

Anyhoodle, while at said bake sale a colleague asked me "if I meant to tuck my shirt up into my belt like that??" which, of course not! I just don't know how to dress myself.

Additionally, upon further inspection that top shows way too much back for the workplace, gah. I need to get it together on the business cash front. Whoops.

This Bouquet:

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It was my sweet colleague's birthday over the other weekend, so I brought her a bouquet of flowers Monday morning so she'd have someting pretty to look at and celebrate all week.

I S to G they were alive when I brought them in but by Monday afternoon they were deader than Marley's Ghost.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATIE. I bought you a dead plant.

She said she extra appreciated them because dead plants was very "me" and she knew it would mean she get a blog shout-out.

So, you're welcome, Katie! Happy Birthday from me and my cool blog!

(Side note: does anyone else find "bouquet" a difficult word to remember how to spell? No? Just me?)

This Plate:

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Speaking of Katie (so many shout outs!), she hosted a fun, classy birthday party at a local restaurant to celebrate. There was free flowing hibiscus champagne and delicious food and the only thing more yummy than hibiscus champagne and delicious food is to spill your beverage all over your plate and mix 'em together. Saves time! You're getting your booze and your dinner in one tasty little package.

I was also, obviously, wearing white jeans to said dinner party and they're now in need of a serious bleaching.

That's what my mom's house is for!

Also, who do I think I am wearing white jeans? I can not handle that sort of pristine responsibility.

This Other Plate:

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Well, that food was on a plate but oh, look, it's on the floor. I was home alone the other night and made myself the yummiest dinner of baked sweet potato fries with chipotle aioli (yeah, I make my own aiolis, what of it?) and a salmon burger with avocado and then was furiously shoving it in my face and shoveled so hard that I knocked it all on the floor.

PWOMP.

Luckily I'd made 3 full potatoes worth of fries, so I could sacrifice a few and, I'll be honest, I just picked up the burger, dusted it off, and dug back in.

Gross?

Gross.

Also funny, while this happened I was reading some kind of mom blog and she remarked about cleaning up after her kids spilling food all over the place and I realized my toddlers are going to write a blog about cleaning up after me.

They're all doomed.

This Tote:

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Another day, another tote.

We took the Amtrak back to NYC last weekend and there's always a stressful moment as it pulls into the city, everyone gets up out of their seats and lines up by the exits, ready to pour out into the hellhole that is Penn Station. As we filed out my tote bag handle got stuck on the handle of the bathroom door. It was a sliding door, so as I walked forward, I pulled the door alllllll the way open behind me. I then had to hold up this whole long line of humans frantic to disembark while I untangled myself from said door.

LUCKILY there was no one inside but still, you guys. BUT STILL.

And that was my week. Weeks, plural. What is everyone up to this weekend? We're moving! Just casually moving and wedding planning and it's all going to be GREAT and omg I need a nap. I'm super stoked about our sweet new pad (I'm a skater tween from the 90's now, did I tell you that?) and I know it'll be pretty easy and not that big of a deal but whoo boy, will I be glad when this move is behind us. Just get me to Sunday, Dear Lord Beyonce. I believe in you.

Happy Weekend, beautiful swans. I will do my best to write next week but someone forgot to call Time Warner about setting up internet in the new apartment so I can't make any promises. Lest you think we're not even married yet and I'm already throwing huffy wife shade, don't worry, that someone is totes, obvi, no duh me.

WEEKEND!

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [7.11.14]

Hi guys!!! How was everyone's week? Mine felt like, interminable, but now I'm looking back and wondering how exactly I passed all that endless time because I feel like nothing got done! Hmm. Giving thought it seems I mostly ate cherries, looked at at vintage wedding bands on Etsy (NO we don't have our rings yet, don't worry about it) (Also: anyone giving away any free estate jewelry? ), power binged through the entire final season of Game of Thrones (TYRION!), worked out a ton (yay!) (shredding for the wedding!) and listened to a disturbing amount of Jason Derulo.

Guys...he's really good. I mean, yes his songs are like, sexist and raunchy and horrible and about butts and stuff but...I love butts! And bad pop music. So, yeah. No shame in my game.

#WiggleWiggleWiggle

Also: terrible segue, but powering through. A quick note related to my wedding rambles from earlier this week. Wedding Paper Divas, my favorite online paper goods supplier is once again offering a Gilt Group coupon and it is SO good! This is how poor people who have mixed emotions about paper products can afford nice paper products! Score to the maximum. So if you're planning any sort of soiree in the near future for which you'll need invitations or thank you notes or any of that good jazz...hop to!

(As always when I talk about things I buy, they in no way are paying me to endorse them! I'm not that famous. I just really like this website. But if you are from Wedding Paper Divas and are reading this and want to give me money or products, I'm all aboard.)

Oook. Cut to the chase, Liz. Let's all clasp hands, wiggle our big fat butts and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Display:

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This is less of an anecdote, more of an observation.

This week was my sista's birthday (HBD Margie!) so I popped over to the drugstore to pick up a card. When I got there, a man was standing in the card asile right in front of the birthday section, carefully reading through every card looking for the perfect one.

Which, of course! Is how one should shop for birthday cards and bully on him for getting there first but HOW painfully awkward is it when you need to do something very specific and someone is in your way and you have to just linger around. Like, when you get to the office microwave seconds after someone has put in their Lean Cuisine for one minute and forty-five seconds. What do you do for the one minute and forty-five seconds? Stand there and stare at them? Make small talk? Go all the way back to your office and risk a) losing the microwave to someone else and b) returning to find yourself in the exact same situation? Pretend you came to the kitchen for a whole other reason?

Starve to death?

Or when you go to buy your sister a birthday card and this cute old man is taking his sweet fucking time reading EVERY SINGLE CARD ever made oh my god, dude, just pick a card and get on with your life we don't have all day here, what do you do? Stand really close behind him and hope he gets the hint? Ask him politely to get out of the way? Go stand in the nail polish aisle for a while, keeping one eye on the card section and then sprint over the second the man is done?

Gently say "excuse me, sir" and share the card rack?

Probably that one, on retrospect, but still! Awkward.

Life is SO HARD sometimes guys.

This Gift:

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Last night we went out to dinner with Brian's college friend and his wife who just moved up to Brooklyn. They were married September 7, 2013 and we missed the wedding.

We just gave them their gift...last night...July 10, 2014...wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper.

We are the WORST people on earth. Honestly we deserve to get zero gifts at our wedding.

Although! I would like to point out that though we did not give a single gift on time in 2013 (also, this one was totally Brian's to send so...blame the man!), we are 4 for 4 with timely wedding gift giving in 2014! I've even sent gifts to showers I couldn't attend. So, we're getting there.

Still close to the worst, though.

(Michelle, Carlo, if you're reading this, I still have your wedding gift sitting here in my office. I can see it now! I promise to mail it to you before your first anniversary...so like, any day now.)

Related: never do I feel like such an "adult" as when doing things with other couples. Recently we went to dinner at another couple's apartment. We brought a bottle of wine and homemade potato salad and I was just like, this is what grownups do. Holy shit, we are grownups.

And mostly I love it! It's fun! But also, you know.

Holy shit!

We're grownups!

This Spill:

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I k now what you're thinking

A) Brian is so hot, I'm jealous Liz gets to marry him.

B) finally! Brian is the one spilling water on himself, it's not just Liz out there humiliating herself.

Well you are wrong, friends. At least on the second part. You're dead right on the first. He's a smokin' hot babe and back off. The boy is mine. But if you actually think Brian caused a scene in public all by himself without a small (huge) assist from his intended, you are incorrect.

Last weekend we were out and about shopping for wedding rings, which we obviously did not yet buy -- holy cheese we need to get it together and fast. I was drinking a San Pellegrino* on the subway into Manhattan and sat it down on the seat beside me, totally reckless like. Brian picked it up and made a comment on how I'm always "playing it fast and loose with my beverages."

True story - I'm always just like, sitting cups on the arms of chairs or haphazardly tilting them all over the place and then wondering why I am covered in liquids.

Well, if Chekhov and his gun have proved anything it is that if someone calls you out on your "fast and loose" beverage lifestyle, you will end up spilling by the end of the day.

Later that afternoon we were riding the escalator back down into the subway station at Grand Central. I was thirsty, having just spent a few hours wandering in the hot sun, so I bought a bottle of H2O from the Hudson News. I was ahead of Brian on the escalator, we were chatting away and I guess I dropped the bottle of water? Or something? It all happened so fast I don't remember how it went down, but all I know is I somehow ended up very quickly "catching" the bottle between my elbow and my torso, effectively squeezing a big fountain stream of water all over...Brian.

HAHAHAH! I had some on my sandal but otherwise was dry as a bone and poor, handsome, sexy, studly (sorry, got carried away there), Brian was drenched.

I will say I'm glad it was someone I know and not a stranger but I will also say that I sometimes feel bad for BriGuy. He really landed a weird one and now he's stuck with me forever.

MWA HA HA HA HA.

*I mention what I was drinking because am I the only one who falls for those fancy sodas with their fancy tinfoil lids every.single.time. I can't see one in a store without wanting to buy it. DAMN YOU and your clever packaging, San Pellegrino!

Okey, that's about enough for now. I must get to workity before I inevitably fall back into the seductive distraction that is Wedding Planning. SO MANY THINGS TO GOOGLE!!

What's everyone up to this weekend? I just realized it's 7/11 which means that 7-11 is giving away FREE SLURPEES!!!

[races out of the office for a slurpee at 9:01 in the AM]

HAPPY WEEKEND KIDDIES!

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [7.3.14]

Hey GUYS! Remember me? No? Didn’t think so. It’s been what, like, years? Decades? Oh, a week and a half? Well it feels like decades. The stress of trying to plan a wedding + find an apartment + move into said apartment + at least appear productive at work + pop zyrtec like it's candy because my sinuses are not on board this summer + finish the first 4 seasons of Game of Thrones (3 down!) (RIP so very many people) + watch ALL the soccer + take so many cold showers after watching ALL the soccer because HOT DIGGITY DAYUMN all these men in shorts + play with my new blender + eat, drink, sleep and, you know, stay alive has really caught up with me and, much as I love you all (and the attention you give me, letz be honest here), writing has fallen onto the back burner.

The way, way back burner.

Which bums me out but c’est le vie, my friends. C’est le motherflipping vie.

Are you curious what else has been going on in my life, besides the above? No? Whelp, we all know I’ll probably tell you anyway. Let us all join hands and take a look what was keeping it awkward this past decade week and a half.

This Travel Mug:

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My BFF Mo generously gifted us with a Ninja blender for my bridal shower, complete with two travel mugs and this cool attachment function that lets you make your smoothies right there IN YOUR MUG. It's miraculous. My old blender could barely chop. If I wanted to make a smoothie with frozen fruit, which I do, every single day, I would have to defrost the fruit in the microwave first and even then the blender would only get half of it, leaving me with warm smoothies with chunks of thawed, mushy fruit floating around. No bueno.

So to say this new toy is life changing is an understatement. My smoothie game has been revolutionized!

There is one downside which is sort of an upside in disguise, which is that the travel mugs twist on SO tight. And stay on SO tight. How tight? Neither I nor three of my colleagues could twist off the other day when I wanted to rinse it out. I tried to clean it with the lid still on by pouring in some warm water through the drink hole and swishing it around and pouring it back out again but that did NOT work and then all day I was left with this mess which, let's be honest, looks like a travel mug full of diarrhea.

Yum!

Did I ruin your appetite? I kind of ruined mine...

PS: Is it considered bad form to use your wedding shower presents before your wedding? If yes our form is bad to the bone, because we have been going nuts with all of our new kitchen gadgets. Whoops?

This Noodle:

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This past weekend was my bachelorette party - I demanded a whole weekend long party, I am such a 'zilla. My gals rented a lake house in the Poconos and it was just the best. THE BEST. THE BEST!!!!! I have never felt so loved and special and also just so relaxed and so very, very full of food. Essentially we partied like it was 1999 (aka 8th grade) but this time with booze. And an inflatable penis. Disney singalong? Check. Cotton Eye Joe? Check.  Getting weepy while talking about Dawson's Creek? Check. 5 gallon tub of cheese balls? Check aaaaannnnd check.

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We also swam in a pool, fended off a raccoon attack (mild exaggeration), played with sparklers, played "Pin the Hose on the Firefighter," invented some kind of group Wawa chant, played dozens of rounds of Heads Up, created a new sex move inspired by "Free Willy" (yes, this Free Willy) called the "Whale Tail," (we'll tell you all about when you're older), polished off copious amounts of Firefly vodka, Bud Lights and champagne (including one really fancypants bottle gifted by a friend who couldn't be there (hi Ash!) which I drank through a straw because I'm classy like dat) and each of us ate a full years worth of calories in one night in the form of chips, dips, buffalo wings, cheese, cheese balls, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, macaroni salad, potato salad, hot dogs roasted over an open flame while completely hammered at 3 AM (an ill advised idea if I've ever heard one) and late night Kraft macaroni and cheese.

When I went up to bed I took of my pants and found a mac-n-cheese noodle in my underpants.

HA! How did it even get there? I was wearing leggings! Maybe the stripper put it there?!?! With his teeth!

JK there was no stripper.

Suffice it to say, it was the best weekend of my whole life. But how the H-E-Double Macaroni Noodles did that thing get in my pants?

A mystery for the ages!

This Nectarine:

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Somehow we did not eat all of the food we brought that weekend, despite our very best efforts, so all of us brought snax and things home with us. I got dropped off on the Upper East Side and then took the subway back to Brooklyn carrying my suitcase, my ever-present tote bag, a basket of gifts and goodies from one of my girlfriends (Hi, Leah!!! I love you!!) and a big shopping bag full of leftover chips, one avocado and two nectarines. Quite the mix.

I managed to make it all the way to my stop without incident but then when trying to stand up and disembark my grocery bag tumbled over and started to spill all over the place. There was NO TIME to waste so I just grabbed what I could and ran off the train. I saw a nectarine rolling down the car and a woman yelled after me "ma'am! your groceries!"  But there was no turning back. This is not Saving Private Ryan.

RIP, that nectarine. I'll miss you.

I thought both nectarines were goners until Tuesday when I unpacked the chips for a little World Cup party at the office and found a smashed nectarine in the bottom of my bag, just rotting away.

So he may have survived the subway but his life was no better. Sorry, nectarines. I tried.

Sorry also, USMT. Tough loss out there. You did GREAT and I would still do filthy things (like the Whale Tail!) with each and every one of you, so thanks for inspiring our country and the libidos of millions of weird women. Or at least just this one. LOVE YOU TIM HOWARD.

This Traffic Cone:

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I was walking to work the other morning wearing this pretty maxi dress (last seen covered in coffee at Brian's sister's graduation) (from Old Navy, OBVZ). The dress is sort of faux-wrap style in that it doesn't tie, but the skirt is fully slit up the middle so when the wind blows it blows right on open, giving all of NYC a real show.

I came up with a trick of positioning my cross-body bag right in front of my goodies when I'm walking and wearing this so that it blows open but only up to a certain point and all the necessary stuff is still covered up.

I did not come up for a trick for when you're walking by a turned over traffic cone sitting on the sidewalk and the bottom of your long skirt gets caught on it and you get stuck and a fellow commuter has to help you untangle yourself because you're holding up morning rush-hour traffic.

So...that happened.

This Leftover Snack:

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Y'all know I love buffalo wings and blue cheese. So much, in fact, that sometimes I like to spill blue cheese dressing directly into my pocket.

You know, so I can save a little treat for later.

Couldn't be classier if I tried.

And, that, beautiful people, is what's been up! How have YOU been? Any big plans for the holiday weekend, Americans? The weather is supposed to be a butthead and rain all day in NY so I don't know what I'll get up to. Maybe write our wedding ceremony or get our wedding bands? You know, those minor yet crucial details that we should probbbably get on top of? Or we could clean and pack our apartment? Sell our old stuff? Stop spending so much money?!?!

Ohhh boy. Welcome back, stress. It was a nice 10 minutes not thinking about you. The next 6 weeks are going to be cray to the cray but I'm excited. Bring it on, life.

Happy weekend to you all and Happy Birthday, America!!! I love you. Thank you for being the home of the free and land of the brave and I just realized I mixed those two up but I ain't going back to fix it.

Baby you're a firework,

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [6.20.14]

Guyyys, hi! I did NOT make good on my promise for wedding updates this week, now did I? I hope no one actually died of anticipation.  I don’t know if I could handle the guilt. Now, I know you’re all just aching to hear about the fight I had with my mom about addressing the invitations (I’d make Emily Post turn over in her fancy little grave) and my bridal shower (spoiler alert: it was awesome!) and the long, overly poignant 700 paragraph essay I keep drafting about the complexities and anxieties related to composing the guest list. And I am aching to share these stories, too! What do I love more than talking about myself? NOTHING, that’s what. But sometimes you can’t do what you love and instead you have to work and go to physical therapy and clean your house and do laundry and sleep and be responsible and ugh, being a grown-up is the WORST!

But just stay tuned, ok? I’ll get around to it. I must!

Meanwhile, was my week all work, no play and no weird moments? Of course not! Let’s take a look at what was keeping it awkward this busy week:

This Beverage:

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On Tuesday night I went to a work event and they had a few bottles of wine and a few bottles of seltzer (and cheese!!) for guests to imbibe upon so I decided to get my Real Housewife on and make a little white wine spritzer.

Turns out the seltzer was the flavored kind.

And turns out you can ruin pinot grigo by adding a few splashes of lemon-lime seltzer water.

I mean…I drank it but still, woof.

And while we're on the topic of vino (am I ever not on the topic of vino?)...

This Bottle of Wine:

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Last night I went running for the first time in weeks, after taking some time off to nurse my broken butt cheek and it was SO great. I missed running and breaking a sweat. Pitbull has a new (ish?) song out called Wild Love and as with all things Pitbull it is equal parts ridiculous and amazing and I listened to it four times in a row. HAH. Pitbull is my spirit guide.

ANYWAY, I brought along some cash and my ID in this little runners' fanny pack of Brian's so I could stop at the wine store on my way home and grab a bottle for the weekend. My mom is in town, so I figured we'd need the double bottle, or as I like to call it "family sized."

The wine store in my neighborhood is this tiny little yuppie place that sells all kinds of fancy stuff but I always buy right off their "discount table" because, duh.

On this particular evening, they were hosting a tasting at the front of the store, so a group was gathered around a tiny table sipping and talking about tannins and soil and whatever the fuck else fancy wine people talk about and I barged in DRENCHED in sweat and made a beeline right for the bargain table, grabbed the family sized bottle of sauvignon blanc and plonked it down on the counter. As the snooty cashier run it up, I began digging crumpled dollar bills out of my fanny pack. The total came to $19 which is like, $12 more than I prefer to spend on wine, but they're the only game in town, so you gotta do what you gotta do. Unfortunately I realized I only had $17 on me so I got all frazzled, as I do, and blurted out "I don't have enough cash! I need another one. A different wine. Cancel the order. Cancel the order!" I grabbed the big bottle, raced back to the dicsount table, picked up my go-to regular sized, screw-top sauvy b (still priced at a cool $12...come on, store, would it kill you to stock some Barefoot brand?) and sprinted back up to the register.

At this point I caught myself in the mirror behind the check out. I was straight up glistening with sweat, wearing a fanny pack and waving around a handful of crumpled one-dollar bills.

Did I mention I only had ones on me? I don't know why I had such a big stack of Washingtons.

This guy must have thought I was some kind of frantic, crazed, wino stripper or something. Sprinting in and out of the store, grabbing bottles, throwing around one dollar bills.

I'd say I can never show my face in there again but let's all be real, I'll be back within the week. Ok, weekend.

This Wound:

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Technically this happened last week but who’s counting? No one. Great. My friend reminded me of this story THIS week so it still counts. Hi Ami! Thanks for the reminder!

ANYWAY recently I was at a 30th Birthday Party (June is 30th Bday Party Month round these parts – we have one every weekend!) at Brian’s friend’s gorgeous apartment in midtown. This guy lives in like, a TV apartment – it has a BALCONY. A private balcony! What the actual what.

(To all y’all who don’t live in horrible cities are like, I have 17 wrap-around porches, why are you so excited about a balcony? I know. Just…don’t go there.)

The door from the living room to the balcony was super heavy and hard to open. It felt like when you’re trying to push a door against a heavy gale of wind, but the night was perfectly still. It was VERY difficult!

I was NOT the only person to have trouble opening the door but WAS the only person to somehow get their finger caught in said door and end up gushing blood all over the place.

You 4 real can not take me anywhere.

This Flyer:

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The corner around my office is like a wind tunnel, always blustery and blowy and ten degrees colder than the rest of the city. It is weird and the WORST.

The other morning I was walking the one block from the subway to the office and a gust of wind blew this flyer up and it got stuck on my leg and the wind just kept it there for the whole block!

HAHA this is a horrible story but oh my god, guys, I can’t even tell you how much this made me laugh. I was like peeing myself laughing, walking along the street with this paper stuck to my leg, sporadically stopping to take photos for my blergh.

Even the local homeless man who stands on the corner every day and asks for money so he can take a taxi back to his costume shop on Broadway (aww, it’s sad I know) thought I was a loony tune.

This Drawer:

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Oh, and this one too:

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I’ve now shown you the grotesque hoarder nightmare zones under my desk and inside my purse. Today I bring you: my desk drawers.

If you read any Real Simple magazines, and I read them all, one tip they’re constantly sharing on organization is to avoid drawers. Drawers are the worst. You can just toss all your crap in there, slam ‘em shut and never think about it again.

I am SO guilty of doing this, to the point that yesterday I wanted to put some paperwork in a drawer, thought “oh there’s too much garbage in there” and then THREW the paperwork out instead of trying to file it.

I then realized maybe I could clean out my garbage drawers so I would have room for actually important things. And so I did.

Here are just a few of the tippy top highlights of what I discovered:

  • A Christmas card for my friend and her husband, dated Christmas 2012 (Merry Christmas 2012, Liz and Bobby!)
  • A cutout from Marie Claire Magazine entitled Sex in a Blanket, tips for having sex while wearing a snuggie. I kept this.
  • And a cutout from Glamour with tips about how do do a workout while laying on your couch. I kept this too. Apparently I am the laziest mf-er known to man.  
  • About five dozen photos of myself from various points in my youth. What do you think it says if a person keeps drawers full of photographs of themselves? Don’t tell me. (PS. see below for an especially choice image of a young Liz Ho.)
  • Two Christmas tree ornaments
  • Program to Brian’s school’s 2012 production of Clue
  • A Tiffany pen, my gift upon reaching five years of employment. Per the internet, this pen is valued at $125 or more. It has never been used. It is also the only item I own from Tiffany and Co. WHAT THE HELL, BRIAN! BUY ME SOME DIAMONDS.
  • Two vials of store brand bug bite cream
  • One button
  • One box of sparklers, a gift from the resident office crazy to thank me for giving her a book
  • Saline spray
  • A blonde wig worn for Halloween when I went as, that’s right, Taylor Swift. I’m the worst.
  • One box of old conversation hearts
  • One Half eaten box of Girl Scout cookies. I can’t believe I never ate these! I don’t even remember when I put them in there?! Disgusting? YES.
  • One package of bamboo skewers… you know, for all the grilling I do in the office.
  • One pair of hideous sensible black wedges I bought my first winter on the job (that’d be winter of 2007) in an attempt to dress more mature and professional. I think I wore them twice?  
  • The folder from the first campaign I ever did solo. No paperwork inside, just a manila folder with the author’s name written on the outside. AWWW! I guess I was feeling sentimental? 

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, pals. I filled up my office trash can lickety split and had to go get an empty cardboard box out of the supply room, fill THAT up with garbage and bring it down to the big communal trash can in the copy room, where I then covered all of my discarded belongings with a layer of paper because I didn’t want everyone to know how grotesque I am.

I did not pitch everything, so if anyone would like a blonde wig or an expensive silver pen or a box of sparklers, just let me know, I’m sure we can work out a fair deal.

And that, my friends, was my week. How was yours?! What’s everyone up to this weekend?! As I mentioned above, my Schmoopster is comin’ to town! We are going to shop for a dress for her to wear for my wedding. I am so excited. I want her to feel like the beautiful special goddess she is! Love that lady.

On that note, I will leave you here to stare at this beautiful photo found in my desk drawer, of Liz Ho at her 5th Grade Field Day. It's hard to pick a favorite thing about this photo. My height? The Seattle Mariners cap hooked to the belt loop of my Bermuda length mom jorts? The pose? The Jon Lennon sunglasses?!?!

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It always shocks me I never had a career as a child model.

Happy weekend, buddies. And Happy First Day of Summer - it's finally here!!

xoox Liz

Another Awkward Week [6.13.14]

Goodness if I haven’t been the worst blogger in all the land lately. I’ve barely had time to read blogs (save a few of my fave housewives, obvi) much less write one. I’ve felt crazed with work and travel and visitors and I’ve been dealing with this debilitating butt injury (don’t ask) (obviously I’ll tell you all about in just a few moments)  and life is just whooshing on by. Whoosh, whoosh!

Before we know it, it’ll whoosh right on up to August 16 and holy cats, y’all, we have a LOT to do before then. By “then” I mean our wedding in case you for some strange reason don’t think exclusively about my life and the important dates therein. I will update you on many, many wedding things next week, try not to die of excitement before then but for now, the usual nonsense.

A look at what was keeping it awkward this week. Two weeks. Three? Oy!

 

These Paper Boobs:

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I ordered a bunch of brassieres from Gap Body this week and they came stuffed with paper - I guess to help them keep their shape? For some reason these paper boobs made me laugh and laugh and laugh so I lined them up on the floor where they just look like balls of white paper because um, that’s what they are.

Actually they look like biscuits. Now I want biscuits!

Isn't biscuit a hard word to spell? I always want to put a "q" in there.

Which, side note to the sidenote, through working at Penguin I have come to learn just how many people think that Penguin is spelled with a "Q." A LOT of people. GUYS no, just no. There is not a Q in Penguin, are you kidding me?

Biscuit, on the other hand. There is probably a Q in there.

Oh. My. God. Liz. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

Point of this horrible story: my assistant Margaret came in and caught me taking this photo and was like WHAT are you doing and I was like “photographing these paper boobs, obviously” and she just backed slowly out of my office and down the hall and sprinted out the door.

JK she has yet to run screaming from this office but I would NOT blame her if/when she does. She always catches me doing the weirdest stuff. Licking tupperware. Paper boobs!

Ugh.

BISQUITSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

These Sandals:

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Cute, sure. Cuter still when you learn they are Bass, ordered after I ran an extensive Google search for “sandals with proper arch support.”

29 going on 89, y’all.

This Bootay:

It’s mine!

J to the K it is very clearly Beyonce’s but mine pretty much looks the same in the fact that we both have butts but the similarities pretty much end there.

Anyhoodle, as I mentioned earlier, my booty is currently on the disabled list. But srsly, though. I guess all this running took a toll on my body, for the weeks after my half marathon I started having increasing pain in my left hip and glute, especially when sitting for long periods of time or upon first standing up. After attempting a zillion weird home cures and diagnosing myself with fatal diseases like I never don’t, I finally got myself to a physical therapist who concluded that I had a tight IT band and a strained piriformis muscle.

The piriformis is this weird little muscle that goes from your butt around your hip and is supremely hard to stretch so now I go in to physical therapy twice a week for what basically amounts to 30 minute nonsexual butt massages.

It is awesome. I am not even remotely joking. I’ve never had a back or shoulder massage, I have a sad life I guess, so this is my first taste of the massage world and I am LOVING it. It is the best part of my week! I mean I feel a little strange just laying there, booty up, getting a rub down and I’m always worried I’ll fart in the PT’s face but so far, so good!

My hip is starting to feel better, but I might have to pretend to still be in pain...I’m like, legit addicted to butt rubs.

This Straw:

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Actually it was another straw but I forgot to take a photo of it so this is a substitute straw.

Just don’t worry about it.

So last weekend my cousin Angie was in town and it was the best! Angie is the coolest - she is an art teacher and one of her students won a prestigious national Scholastic Gold Key Award so she was in NYC for the awards ceremony at Carnegie Hall. So amazing, right?

Right!

At one point during the weekend we were sitting around at the bar, just casually hanging out, not even remotely drunk (that came later when, while Angie attended the awards ceremony, her boyfriend Jeremy, Brian and I proceeded to ring up a $200 beer and french fry tab, yikes) and I picked up my glass of water to take a drink straight from the glass, forgetting there was a straw in the glass and as I turned the cup towards my mouth, the straw poked me on the underside of my nostril just CENTIMETERS away from going straight up into my nose, impaling my brain and killing me.

I almost died and Angie just laughted and laughed and laughed and said she thought sometimes I made up my blog stories but she now saw first hand I’m actually that hot of a mess.

Can’t make this up, kids.

PS I ALMOST DIED!!!

(PSS Not really.)

PSSS now I want a bloody with my biscuits. LET'T ALL GO OUT TO BRUNCH!!!!!!!!!

Ok still the worst blogger, even when writing! None of these stories are funny to anyone but me and even I"m like eeeehhhhh? Eh. My brain is mushier than my muscles which are surely atrophying now that I am a sedentary blob with a broken butt cheek.

I'll be back next week with WEDDING UPDATEZ and good stories I swickity-swear.

Have a great weekend! Call your dad on Sunday!

xoxoox Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [5.23.14]

Hey buddies! What's up? It's a long weekend, whoop whoop! Well, in America, anyway. Sorry foreigners. Sucks to be you! I'm heading down to Pennsylvania for the weekend,  tomorrow I'm having a bridal shower (for ME!), hosted by my sweet Aunt Lena & cousin Lisa.  I'm so excited! And I'm excited that I'm excited which sounds nuts, but well, that's me. For a while I was being kind of a weirdo about the whole thing - I thought everyone would think I was being really demanding and obnoxious, asking them to drive all the way to PA, when they already have to travel for the wedding, and would I look like I was just trying to get more presents. For someone who purports to LOVE being the center of attention, I'm sort of freaking out now that my moment in the spotlight has finally arrived!

Luckily I have some smart friends and family who reminded me that I am a lunatic and I might need to calm down. That it is OK and not annoying  to be excited about my wedding. That people are travelling not because I'm making them, but because they want to, because they love me, and love Brian and are happy to celebrate our impending union. It's going to be such a lovely day with the most special ladies in my life and I'm already feeling very honored and loved.

And EXCITED. So excited that I've already said that word seventy-five times in just these four paragraphs! Get a thesaurus, Liz.

Fun fact: I have a really hard time saying that word, thesaurus. I always say suh-tharus, instead of the-saur-us. Ha! A few years ago I worked on a book about Roget, the guy who invented the thesaurus and the word was right in the title and every time I had to say it out loud I would get really nervous about messing up and inevitably mess up even worse and it was just horrifying. HORRIFYING! I totally forgot about that until just this moment and now I'm reflexively cringing, so embarrassed for my past self. GAH young Liz. It does NOT get better.

Ok enough rambling about bridal showers and thesarusues (thesauri?) and insanity. Let's take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Dress:

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Worn to Brian's sister's graduation on Sunday and COVERED in coffee.

We drove from NJ to PA early on Sunday morning and packed bagels and to-go coffees with sturdy, closeable lids for the ride.Brian's mom realized just moments after we pulled from the driveway that she had forgotten the roll of paper towels she meant to toss in, just in case anyone spilled.

"No worries!" chirped the grownup adult woman from her perch in the backseat. "We'll be fine!"

I was pretty good for most of the way until just a few miles from the campus, when I precariously propped my coffee mug in my lap without fully closing the lid.

Suddenly, Brian called out from beside me: "Liz! Your mug is tipping!" So I did what any rational person would do when a hot cup of liquid is spilling over on their thighs which is to flail my legs even more causing the spill to go from a minor drip to a full on drenching.

REALLY coulda gone for those paper towels right then.

Saving graces: 'twas a dark dress and I found a stray shout wipe in  my purse! That baby did the trick and more, by the time we made it to graduation the only remaining trace of the incident was a lingering smell of coffee.

Eau de floor of a Starbucks after a long summer's day.

Whilst at said graduation I acquired...

This Sunburn:

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First of the year! Complete with a weird little white stripe across the middle where my necklace was resting.

Happens every season!

I have to be careful this year...I have to somehow make it all summer without kooky tan lines, so I'm not covered in splotches and white patches in all of our wedding photos. I keep meaning to try my bikini top on under my wedding dress to see if I can wear it or need to get a new one. HA! Sounds insane butttt I think it is necessary. Maybe I'll just have someone sew me a dress in the pattern of my wedding gown and wear that all day every day so I have absolutely perfect lines come August 16?

THAT would be insane.

(orrrr would it?!)

This Skirt:

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That is a thick layer of dust...apparently the French Connection in SoHo cleans their dressing rooms about as often as I clean my house. Aka: never.

I visited this store not once but twice in the past week, along with probably every single store in the greater NYC metropolitan area, on an epic quest for the perfect dress for this weekend's festivities. I bought and returned and bought and returned several different options and ordered a few things online - one of which is lost in the mail and one of which is being held at a FedEx facility on 108th Street in Brooklyn. I didn't even know there was a 108th Street in Brooklyn but apparently they is and they are holding hostage a sundress from Piperlime. Can't wait to go pick THAT up.

After all of these shenanigans, I finally caved yesterday and splurged and spent basically all of my discretionary income on a dream dress from Kate Spade that I'd been lusting after for weeks. I've already justified the exorbitant expense,  by promising myself I will wear it at least three times a week until I die so basically this dress has pretty much already paid for itself. In fact, they paid ME! I hope everyone likes it as much as I do cuz y'all are going to be seeing a lot of it.

In other fashion news, check out the shoes I rocked all week...

These Moccasins:

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Yes, friends, that IS my big toe.

You may recall I shared these about a year ago when dat derre rip was juuuusssst beginning and here we are, a full year later and much much rippier (it's a word) and I've yet to throw them out.

I'd get a new pair but I just spent all my money on that dress so...open toed moccasins: the hot trend for spring! You heard it here first!

This Band-aid:

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I'm finally getting serious about my nail/finger biting problem, I can NOT allow myself to have bloody, ragged fingers at our wedding, I just can't.

My thumbies are my weakness, they're just so easy to attack, so all week I've been wrapping my thumbs in band-aids in an attempt to save myself from myself.

Unbeknownst to me I purchased a box of "designer strips" which means these are no ordinary bandages, OH NO, but beautifully ("beautifully") patterned fashion band-aids. So far this week I've rocked bandages that look like they're bedecked in sequins, in black lace, in some kind of modern abstract art, and this one, my favorite, which had teeny tiny photos of models walking the catwalk.

WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THIS? Why would someone want to wear bandaids with tiny little fashion models on them? They're so small you can't even see what they're wearing! WHYYY is this even a thing that exists in the world and why do I own it.

Kids get Sponge Bob and Dora and grownups get mini little ladies shaking their little tushes on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah.

I'm to sexy for my bandaid, to sexy for my bandaid...

IF ONLY there was a designer band-aid for my brain that would make me into less of a weirdo. THE END of this madness, I am outta here. Have a spectacular Memorial Day weekend and if you think I'm not going to be back with a full report from my big weekend, you're drunk. My mom told me it is traditional for the mother of the bride to buy her daughter sexy lingerie soooo that blog post can pretty much write itself.

Smooches!

Liz Ho

 

A Rant, A List, A Brand New Week

Hey everybody! How was your weekend?! Mine, although lovely, was not exactly what I had planned. Remember the Pittsburgh wedding I was oh-so-excited to attend? Well, that didn't happen. I mean...it happened, they are now happily married, yay, but I was not there so, you know. Trees falling in forests and all that. Just kidding! I know that life goes on even when I am not there, I'm not thaaaat vain. (Or am I?!!) Friday was a drab and rainy day all up and down the east coast, but it was by no means Hurricane Sandy Reincarnate so I was mildly frustrated but not super surprised when I received an email Friday afternoon telling me that my 8 PM flight had been pushed to 9:30. I then received a voice mail informing me it had been pushed back yet again, this time to 10:30, but don't you worry, we're still doing everything we can to get back on schedule! In one bit of actual levity for the evening, the voice mail was one of those automated services and I guess they had some confusion over the way my name was written on my ID. The message combined my first name (Elizabeth) and middle initial (M), announcing "Hello. This is a message for Alizabatham HoHENadell." HA!

I remained calm and unflustered, used the newfound free time to take public transportation to the airport instead of blowing $50 on a taxi, went through security, found my gate, bought a $400 Cesar salad, found a plug to charge my cell phone, which was at a precarious 8% battery life, and cracked open my book, when the phone rang once again.

"Hello Alizabatham HoHENadell, your flight is cancelled."

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. WHAT.

I frantically ran around the airport to find the US Airways help desk, while dialing their customer support on my cell phone, now elevated to just 11% battery life. This flight was one of just many cancellations throughout LaGuardia, so the customer service line was, no joke, 75+ people deep. I managed to get an actually super nice and helpful customer service rep on the phone while I stood in line, who told me that the good news was they'd refund my full fare, the bad news being, of course, that they had no other available flights on my route that night or the following morning.  I got out of the US Airways line and went looking for Delta, only to find them also backed up by the dozens.

I found a spot on the floor next to an outlet, plugged in my cell phone, called my mom, cried, stress ate my Caesar salad (worth every penny!) (false), yelled the F word far too loud for a public setting, looked up alternate routes to PGH and finally came to the realization that it was not happening. I would not make it to Pittsburgh. I would not see Brigette get married. I felt mad and sad and guilty and disappointed and basically every emotion you might find on the negative end of a feelings chart. I took a sad taxi home to Crown Heights, the rain pouring nearly as hard as my tears.

HAHA just kidding for dramatic emphasis. I mean, yes I cried, but that's a tad heavy handed. Trying to spice up my writing with overuse of metaphor! What if I actually talked like that? Yikes!

Enn. Eee. Way. My mom & Margie sent me loads of photos from the wedding and it looked like a truly beautiful day. I'm so happy for the newlyweds! And I was able to see Brian's sister graduate, so the weekend still  managed to be special and full of family. And also sun. Wait until you get a load of the sunburn I acquired yesterday. It's one for the record books!

HOWEVER it has come to my attention that God or Mother Nature or SOMEONE is reading my blog and deliberately trying to sabotage me.While I do appreciate the attention, I am not amused. I mean, I had expressly stated on Friday morning just how VERY EXCITED I was to fly to Pittsburgh and my flight up and cancels on me? COME ON, dude. Do you think this is because I couldn't remember the timeline of Christ's resurrection? Am I being punished for supporting gay marriage???? Whatever the reason, it is pretttty clear that someone is out to get me, so below is a list of things I am super not excited for. If my logic is correct, which it totally always is, since I'm not excited for these things, that means these days will be bright and sunny and warm and perfect and amazing...right?! RIGHT.

  • My Own Wedding. August is hurricane season, right? Let's get a storm a brewin'!
  • Similarly: My Bridal Shower this coming weekend and my Bachelorette in June. Two separate weekends being feted by my most special ladies? HARD PASS. 
  • My Cousin Angie's visit to NYC. Angie is the WORST! 
  • The string of 30th Birthday parties we have this June. Rooftops and pool parties and Brooklyn day drinking? These are a few of my (least!) favorite things. (PS: read that to the tune of the song, please, I tried really hard to make it fit.) 
  • Summer Fridays. 12 PM closing? No thanks, I'll work til 6! 

And while we're at it, something I am so totally very super excited about is next week's big publishing annual conference, BEA. Schlepping to the far west side of Manhattan in what always manages to be the hottest weather of all time for long days of standing around and small talking...I can. not. wait. I will be SO VERY SAD if a lighting bolt just strikes right down into the middle of the Javits Center and burns it right down to the ground. Please oh please don't let that happen, I long for this week all year!

There. That should about cover it. Everything's looking up for old Alizabatham HoHENadell!!!

(Arbitrary image b/c photos make blogs better, according to other blogs.)

Here's to the start of a NEW week for all of us - hope it's nothing short of spectacular. xoxo

Another Awkward Week [5.9.14]

Guuuys, I’m BACK! Just a few hours after writing last week’s sad post, bemoaning my lack of awkward moments, I went out for fries (my second plate of fries for the day but who’s counting?!), misjudged the size of the opening on the ketchup bottle, and poured about 6 gallons of the stuff all over the dish. 20140502_181226

Holla!

Immediately upon spilling, as my friends rushed to help clean it up like normal people, I yelled “YES! I’M BACK!” and whipped out my camera to document it for posterity.

BOOM. It was touch and go there for a while but I it is safe to say the awkward train has left the station. Choo choo!

Why would anyone say that? No one talks like that.

I am a hot mess this morning. I had long-planned dinner with my girlfriends last night that started weird when I called it "sensual"  instead of "sophisticated" on the google calendar invite and ended weird when one of the girls, who works for Peanut Butter & Company, busted out half a dozen jars of fancy peanut butters and we all just sat there in the middle of a restaurant drinking beers and eating peanut butter right out of the jar. It was both sophisticated and sensual, for sure. I feel less than amazing this morning...can you get a peanut butter hangover? Is that a thing? OY! Enough rambling, let’s take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

These Tulips:

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Fresh, alive and BEAUTIFUL. I left them for at least 3 more days after snapping this photo.

See also: our garbage covered dining room table. My house is such a hovel. SIGH.

These Cake Stands:

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I got to go with one of my authors to the Martha Stewart headquarters located waaayyyy on the West Side of Manhattan. It was really neat. They have this HUGE prop library just chock full of kitchen gadgets and bowls and plates and vases and, of course, cake stands...just imagine like, the biggest West Elm + the biggest Pottery Barn + Macy's Herald Square + Martha Stewart Living Magazine + all of your wildest dreams come true and that's pretty much what this place was like.

Jen and I both arrived late due to train troubles, and she had to be on live radio, so the moment we arrived they whisked us right up the back staircase and into their radio studio. WHO should we see, as we're sprinting down the hall? Why Martha herself!!! Walking out of the ladies room! Like a regular person!

It was awesome.

It turns out that had we not been late, we would have actually gotten to meet her and have a conversation with her which would have, obviously, been amazing. Buuuut I'm kind of glad it happened this way. It's a slightly better story and now I get to tell the whole wide world that Martha Stewart pees in a shared bathroom just like a commoner!

ha!

This Fancy Cocktail:

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I realized I was going to be home alone the other night and decided to enjoy the evening with a crisp glass of white wine on ice, like the WASPy desperate housewife I apparently aspire to be.

But then I remembered that we had no wine in the house and I'm not letting myself spend money on anything that's not wedding or move related so I gave up on my dreamo of vino. But THEN I remembered that I had a few plastic mini bottle of the upscale Sutter Home Vintage floating around my office, left over from a work project so I secretly stuck a bottle in my purse, carted it home, broke out the ice cubes and had the classiest little party for one you ever did see.

On the upside, at least I used a glass! I would have just stuck in a bendy straw…but we were all out.

This project, by the way, was a complete disaster in and of itself. My colleague and I came up with this adorable summer reads package, and we were so proud of ourselves. We stuffed a tote bag with some of our hottest summer titles + a mini bottle of wine (of the classiest variety, clearly. Publishing money!) and cookies and we mailed them to all these editors and it turns out we didn't wrap the cookies very well because they all smashed so instead of these adorable tote bags, everyone's packages were just covered top to bottom in crushed chocolate and cookie crumbs and people had to throw them out. Whoops!   A+++ work right there.

These Jeans:

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I wore these pantaloons to work yesterday and for some reason, something on the inside seam of my right leg kept poking me. I don’t know what it was – these are not new, so it wasn't a tag or anything. I did just get them back from the laundry, so perhaps there were some shards of glass floating around in the dryer and one of them got stuck inside my jeans seam and then started waging war on my inner thigh?

That sounds like a super normal and likely scenario.

ANYWAY, I was walking to gym over lunch and the poking got SO painful I could barely walk. I told myself to keep going, I just had to make it one more block to the gym and I could take the pants off in the locker room and inspect them. I made it five more steps, but the pain was unbearable, so I stopped and adjusted the jeans from the outside, hoping that would do the trick.

No dice.

I made it five more steps and was in such excruciating pain, I realized I couldn’t wait to the locker room to go deep…I had to get inside my pants.

Now, I was walking on a crowded sidewalk, so I tried to be as inconspicuous as I could. I turned away from the street and as quickly as possible, jammed my hand down the inside of my jeans and sort of rubbed around the inner-mid-thigh area, hoping to dislodge the sharp object.

As I quickly withdrew my hands from down in my pants, I looked up and realized that I had turned away from the street, oh yes, and instead was DIRECTLY FACING a middle school.

A MIDDLE SCHOOL. I was standing on the street, with my hand shoved down my pants in front of a middle school.

I belong in jail.

And on a similar note...

This Photo:

 

I probably can’t show the actual photo for legal reasons.

One of the fun things about commuting on the train is the people you see every day – it’s sort of comforting and weirdly I start to think I know them, when I really don’t. Do any of you guys do this?*

One of my VERY favorite subway buddies is this little boy who is maaaybe three years old and I see him some mornings, riding the uptown 1 train with his mom. This kid is SO flipping cute – he has little glasses and you KNOW how much I love toddlers with glasses (I hope our future children inherit their dad’s near blindness instead of my, ahem, better than perfect , vision.) and I can just tell he’s charmingly nerdy, he’s always reading books or playing like, math games with his mom and I LOVE him.

Yesterday morning it was drizzly and my BCFWIACS (Best Child Friend Who Is Actually a Complete Stranger) was wearing a mini rain slicker, galoshes and…wait for it…a knit sweater with the superman logo on it. Not a sweatshirt, but an actual like, wool sweater with the iconic logo on the front. It was soooooooo cute that I took a photo because I wanted to show all my pals how cute my BCFWIACS was looking that morning. Did I bust this picture out over our peanut butter feast last night? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't.

Basically what I’m saying is please forward all my mail to the New York State Home for Deranged Criminal Women because that is where I’m headed.

Annnnd on that note, I think it’s best if I shut this whole thing down before I actually get condemned. How was everyone else’s week?! Big weekend plans? I’m going to Philly for a wedding of one of my study abroad buddies that should be one heck of a party. I’m excited! I wonder what my BCFWIACS will do all weekend??!!!! 

Xoxoxo

* We're going to be publishing a book allll about this phenomenon next winter (I think?) called Girl on a Train (probably!) and it's AMAZING and creepy and awesome and I assume you'll all rush right out and buy it when we do!

Another Awkward Week [4.11.14]

Good morning everyone! What is up? What is the 4-11? GET IT?! Because it's April 11? 4-11?

No?

Whatever. I think it's funny! God, I crack myself up. WHAT A COMEDIENNE!!

How was everyone's week? I had these amazing intentions to blog up a STORM but...looks like that didn't happen. Whoops. But I definitely thought about it so that counts, right?

Next week! There's always next week!

And what's up for the weekend? I'm going to New Jersey tonight to meet a friend for dinner and then returning to Brooklyn and then going back to New Jersey tomorrow for a wedding (First of 9 for 2014!) so it should be quite the whirlwind. I was actually in New Jersey last weekend, too, visiting another friend.

Basically just call me JWoww. I'm all about that Jerz.

And now, because I'm writing this on Friday AM while I should be working, as I chose TV and painting my nails over blogging last night (I mean...partying! I was partying!) so I need to be quite quick about this. Let's take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Hairspray:

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I am a total sucker for coupons and customer reward bonuses. I know they're basically a huge marketing scam but consider me scammed. If you mark something 2 for 1 or coupon it up I will probably buy it. Especially cosmetic products. I don't know the reasoning behind this but I am ALL IN for discounted lotions and sprays.

This week I had to go to CVS to pick up a prescription and oh look, also had $2.50 extra bucks on my ExtraCare Card (copyright CVS, probably) plus a whole bunch of coupons so I RACED over there and loaded my arms with discounted products: three canisters of shave gel, a family pack of toothbrushes (Brian's VERY particular about fresh tooth brushes like, every week. He's so weird!) and two canisters of my favorite hairspray, marked down to buy one, get one 50% off. BOOM.

My arms were full to the brim and I probably should have gotten a basket but I always think it's kind of weird to get a basket at the drugstore, I don't know why, don't ask. Maybe I just have PTSD for accidentally stealing one that one time?

At any rate long story SO SO extra long, I was waiting in the check-out line, my arms laden with ozone destroying aerosol canisters when a bottle of hairspray fell out of my arms and hit the ground causing the lid to pop off and HIT A BABY STROLLER.

I repeat: HIT A BABY STROLLER.

Ok just the wheel, no one was injured but they could have been!

And now I need to find space in my apartment for my 97 canisters of shave gel and hair spray.

This Umbrella:

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I left my umbrella at my friend's house over the weekend (housewarming gift for the Manley's!). It rained on Monday and Brian unearthed this bad boy from the depths of his closet. It worked for about 2.2 seconds until it oh, so didn't.

I needed to grocery shop on Monday after work and was planning to stop home, drop off my gym bag, pick up my reusable shopping bags and go to the nice grocery store a few blocks away from my apartment. But my commute home was a mess and I got impatient and decided I'd just get out a stop earlier than my usual and go to the other, grosser, lamer store on the way to my house, just to save time.

Huge mistake.

For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to buy the heaviest foods - canned beans, potatoes, gallons of milk - on the day I didn't have any sturdy bags, so on my walk home I somehow had to juggle six extremely heavy plastic bags, all on the verge of breaking, plus my gym bag, plus my umbrella, which essentially snapped in half one second after I walked out of the door, so that I was basically holding a stick with a floppy napkin above my head.

I struggled the short walk back to my apartment. Two blocks away from home a nice gentleman did stop to ask if I needed help but I was close enough to make it, so I declined. One block away from my house a less nice gentleman saw how burdened I was, shook his head and said "sorry."

Sorry?! FOR WHAT?! Are you going to offer to help? Put up or shut up, my fine friend.

I finally made it to my door where I abandoned the groceries at the bottom of the steps and demanded that my nice gentleman go bring them up for me.

What a mess.

Semi related, I just stopped in the drug store next to my office to buy a new umbrella, as today's forecast calls for rain and that green number certainly isn't going to cut it. They usually have a big display out but today I could only find one. I got to the register and the cashier told me the umbrella + tax came to $32.

WHAT THE WHAT. I told her to "cancel that order" and ran out of the store.

This Ensemble:

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I'm LOVING this warm weather, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to know exactly how to dress for days when it's 30 degrees colder in the morning than it is at lunch time. So I'm taking the layered approach: cardigan over a cardigan made infinitely sexier by the Melanie-Griffith-in-Working-Girl bright white sneakers for my commute.

Also This Other Ensemble:

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Was racing around to get to a work event when I managed to squirt under eye concealer all over my shirt. Turns out, the one thing concealer does not conceal is itself.

This Pudding:

As you know, I love a good superfood as much as the next cliched blogger and chia seeds are still pretty much the hottest thing going. I've been trying to cut down on my sugar intake, so when I saw recipes popping up for sugar free, dairy free chia seed pudding, I was all about that life.

I found a recipe via A Beautiful Mess that promised to be easy. Simply mix chia seeds, coconut milk, vanilla extract and a pinch of salt in a bowl or glass. Chill for a while and boom: delicious, healthy dessert.

If done right, it should look like the photo above.

Mine looked a little more like this:

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And tasted horrible. The milk never really thickened and the seeds stayed crunchy and it was just like, a bowl of the worst seedy, watery puddingy grossness you ever ate in your whole life.

And by ever ate I mean, literally ate because even thought it was grotesque, I still ate about half the bowl. WHY. Why oh why?

I'm still not giving up on the chia pudding though, guys. If at first you don't succeed, etc etc etc. Eating trendy healthy foods not only makes my body feel better but also helps me maintain a sense of superiority over others (real talk) so I will perfect this recipe if it's the last thing I do.

Foodie pals - help a sister out!

Also, for the record, I know now that Almond Breeze non dairy milks have carageenan in them which is apparently horrible for you and to be avoided but none of the other non carageenan-filled brands had unsweetened milk and I couldn't decide if artificial sweeteners were worse than carageenan so I just panicked and went with what I know I like. It was very stressful. Eating healthy is really hard! And I'm a yuppie white lady who is obsessed with reading about food so imagine how much more difficult it must be for people without access to all of the resources I have to obtain the right foods.

Just something to think about! Friday morning rant!

SHUT. IT. DOWN.

And that was my week. I don't think any of these stories made much sense but you know what? Life doesn't make sense. All I know is, it's Friday, I'm having a great hair day, and if I don't get to work like, immediately, I am in deep trouble. So the end!

Have a most spectacular weekend, my fine friends! Don't forget to pack a (working!) umbrella!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

30 Before 30: Oh, we're halfway there!

Last Friday, March 14 was both Pi Day and my half birthday (equally momentous holidays!), meaning I have but 6 months left until I hit the big 3-0. I thought this would be an opportune time to check back in on my epic 30 Before 30 list to see how I’m doing.

(via)

If you’d noticed I hadn’t discussed this in months and suspected it was a ridiculous thing that I started for the attention and then forgot about and surely won’t finish, well, you’re mostly right. I am still working to check off these noble goals but, for better or for worse (pun!), this whole getting married situation seems to be taking up the majority of my time and resources, both emotional and (OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS WEDDING SO EFFING EXPENSIVE?!?!?!?) financial sooo certain things have taken the back burner and probably won’t be finished by 9/14/14. Does this make me feel guilty and lame and like a failure? Obviously! I mean, what doesn't?  But that is a problemo for me and for my therapist. Who I just broke up with because he kept bringing up weird stories about the holocaust (literally) when I tried to talk about my problems, so now I’m at square one and need a new therapist BUT that is a whole different story for a whole different day, why did I even go onto that tangent?

"Why Did I Even Go Onto That Tangent?" will the the name of my one woman show. Get your tickets now!

Also, quickly, I can’t even lie to you guys: I know this is so pointless and silly and age is but a number and 30 isn't even old and Sex and the City something something BUT the fact that I’m managing to squeeze into marriage just a few days before my 30th birthday (28, to be exact!) (and 5 months from yesterday holy cats, there’s so much to do!) does make me feel kind of relieved. So ridiculous I KNOW but I never pretended to be anyting but exxxxxtra ridic so there you have it. The truth is out!

Ok with out firther ado, I've ado'ed enough already, let us check in on my 30 Before 30 progress, shall we?

LIZ HO'S 30 BEFORE 30! 

1. Run half marathon

This is the biggie and I’m excited to share, I’ll be doing this one! I am running the Henry’s Hope Verrazano Half Marathon on Saturday, April 26! I’ve been training like a beast - ran 9 miles yesterday, boom - and have been enjoying it so much.  I've come to really enjoy running. I can feel myself getting stronger, faster, healthier and better every day and running helps me to calm my brain when my thoughts start a-racin’. No jokes here, I’m very proud of myself and can’t wait to run 13.1 in a few weeks!

2. Pay off one credit card…put a dent in the other. COMPLETED 10/4/13

And then acquire new credit card debt after buying way, way into the Wedding Industrial Culture? Yikes...probably!

3. Get a bikini wax

This has not yet happened. I might save it for the honeymoon...GROSS but probably true.

4. Take photoshop or other online design course

Nopers.

5. Submit something for publication

Sort of? I made a friend who works for a website and he asked me to write something for him (his idea! cool!) and I have sort of started but not really so yeah...slaying it.

6. Visit each of the 5 boroughs of NYC (I’m coming for you, Staten Island!)

I went to Queens last week! I’ve been there before but still, let’s get excited. Brooklyn & Manhattan I check off on the daily and I’ve been to the Bronx before but should probably do it again now that I’m making a whole thang of it. As for Staten Island...yeah. Who wants to come with me? We can get meatballs and spray tans!

That's what happens on Staten Island, right?

7. Do a pull-up (yes, just one. Aim high.)

I’ve done like...¾ of a pull-up. I’m working on it.

8. Find a regular volunteer program

Oh god, I haven’t even thought about this. I’m a horrible person.

9. See a play on Broadway

I almost did this! My friend Nick sent this EXTREMELY confusing email about getting tickets to see this play All the Way, starring Bryan “Heisenberg” Cranston and I figured it was a great opportunity to check this item off my listicle AND become besties with Walter White but just 6 hours before showtime I realized that what I read as Nick buying us all tickets meant he just bought himself a ticket and the rest of us were on our own sooooooooooo long story long, I did not attend said play.

Back to the drawing board!

10. Watch The Sopranos

UGH. I’m halfway through season two and just...can’t. I think it’s kind of boring! I feel like I should love it, it’s so widely regarded as THE prestige TV show that started this era of prestige TV shows and I LOVE prestige TV shows and also saying the word “prestige” a lot, apparently, but I just can’t seem to get on board with this one.

So now I must decide if I power through for the sake of the list OR if I just quit and chalk it up to a loss.

So much TV, so little time. What’s a gal to do?!

11. Learn to shuffle cards

I’m working on this! I think there’s a video somewhere? I’ll find it, stay tuned.

You wait with baited breath, I’m sure.

12. Stop biting my nails

Chomping on my phalanges as we speak so...no.

13. Take a trip with my mom

What I meant by this was a like, a vacation-style trip somewhere new but again, with this wedding scenario bleeding us both dry, we’ll probably not make that happen.

BUT we have gone on several shopping trips so technically that counts, right?

It’s my list, I’m saying it counts.

Maybe we’ll trip on acid!

JUST kidding.

14. Read outside of my comfort zone

Ok help me! I continue to read the same sorts of books I usually do which would be categorized as “Upmarket Women’s Fiction” or “Ridiculous Postapocalyptic Teen Romances” so I still need some help here.

Would y’all be so kind as to recommend some books in the following genres:

poetry biography a “classic” graphic novel

Thanks in advance, nerds!

15. Visit Storm King COMPLETED 10/6/13

OBVIOUSLY this happened. Did you guys know I’m engaged?!!

16. Get Acupuncture

Not yet but I do have the name of a doctor to call stored in my inbox somewhere so...baby steps.

17. Roast a chicken

Again, not yet but I have been making quite a lot of crock pot chicken dishes so … sort of?

18. Grow a vegetable to a point where it is edible i.e. don’t kill it

Have not even tried.

19. Zumba

See: response to No. 18.

20. Host a classy, adult dinner party

No. But I have hosted a several unsophisticated boozy potlucks SO I’m calling it a win.

21. Add at least one more state to my list

Not yet but Brian promises he’s taking me to Maine in September! He better.

22. Solve my stomach issues

You do not even want to know what is going on down there.

23. Trapeze class

Of course I have not done this. How did I even come UP with this idea?!

24. Reconnect with an old friend (I already have one picked out! Lucky person!)

Not quiiiite yet. But I often compose my email to said friend while drying my hair or running or otherwise distracted so...the suspense builds.

25. Decorate our apartment

Nopers! But now we’re moving August 1 so there's no point in starting now. I'll decorate the new place, I will, I will!

26. See the cherry blossoms in DC

Oh god, no. And I think they sprout (sprout?) like next week so this one ain’t happening. Next year!

27. Take out my navel ring

Not yet! Hanging onto the trashy just a little bit longer. It’ll look great when I’m wearing a crop top in Staten Island!

28. Make an IRL blogger connection

I DID do this!! A few months ago, I had the pleasure of meeting the delightful Caitlyn while she was in NYC on business.

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Caitlyn is adorable - she’s one of the first bloggers I became bloggy pals with and she reminds me a lot of my sister...Maggie is younger than me and once lived in Colorado where she worked for Habitat for Humanity and Caitlyn is also younger than me and currently lives in Colorado and sometimes volunteers for Habitat. The similarities kind of stop there and yet I still think of them as kindred spirits so basically if you are an altruistic young woman living in the western US I’ll probably confuse you for my sister. Just go with it.

ANYWAY, Caitlyn and I became blog friends and then facebook friends (huge step) and then she let me know she was comin’ to town for work, did I want to hang out?

Um...yes please!

We met at this super cute tea shop near my office and I was sort of nervous on my way there, I felt like I was going on a blind date. What if she didn’t like me? What if we had nothing to talk about? Did I look weird?

Luckily none of my fears came true and we hit it off and talked about life and boys and blogging and enjoyed yummy tea and macaroons, brought to us by THE slowest waiter in all of the New York City Regional Area and it was just so much fun.

If you don’t yet read Caitlyn’s blog...hop to!

29. Hike 5 new peaks

Spring has barely sprung...I’ll hike when it’s warm!

And if all else fails, I’ll just climb every tiny hill in Prospect Park and call it a win.

30. Blog Challenge!

I actually decided, upon recommendation from a friend that I go streaking, that #30 is Go Skinnydipping! I will share ZERO photographs so y’all pervs don’t even bother asking, but I realized that no one should make it to 30 without dipping in the nude so as soon as it’s warm: it’s on.

So! Not too bad? I’ve officially done 4 things and adding in loopholes and technicalities I've done at least 5 more and have plans semi-in the works for a few others so it’s looking like maybe I’ll get to half. I feel like I read somewhere that 15 is the new 30 so if I make it there, I’ll call this a rousing success.

Now if you’ll all excuse me, I have some hiking and waxing and chicken roasting to do. Probably not all at the same time but, we’ll see!

Smooches!

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [3.14.14]

Happy Pi Day, nerds! We at the Scottenadel household celebrated in style: 20140314_080626

Of course we have a Pi Day mug. Marrying a math teacher has its perks!

(PS look at that face! Such a studmuffin, I can't even handle it.) (PSS: sorry! Can't help myself!)

How was everyone's week? Mine was fine! I feel like it was fast? I can barely remember what happened! A blur of wildly vacillating temperatures and Buzzfeed Quizzes. I just took this one: Which Queen of Comedy Are You and got Julia Louis Dreyfus! I feel pretty OK about that.

Who are you?!

Let's move it right on along, Comedy Queens, and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Bathroom:

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The ladies' room in our office is a complete hellscape - the toilets never seem to be flushed and there's always mysterious water all over the ground and the lighting in the mirror area makes everyone look like extras from The Walking Dead. The worst.

Also, the locks on the stall doors never seem quite secure, like, for example, this week when I was doing my thang and the stall door next to me slammed a little bit, the momentum of which slipped my door right out of the locked position and started swinging it open.

NIGHTMARE OF NIGHTMARES.

I managed to stop it & slam it back shut before anyone saw anything too graphic but YIKES. There is no safe space in this world! I would consider  taking a pay cut (jk never) if it meant budget to fix this bathroom, it is truly a palace of horrors. 

This Snack:

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We had a pizza lunch at work the other day and a noon I was staaaarving, so I confirmed with my assistant what time we were eating. If it was 1 PM, I'd eat my healthy apple. If it was 12:30, I'd hold out.

12:30 it was! I'd hold out.

Until I went into my office & spotted the bag of Doritos leftover from our Valentines' Day Chip & Dip Extravanga hidden in a corner where I'd stashed them February 15 to avoid shoving them all in my face in a fit of madness. But oh no: the fit of madness had snuck in anyway! I took one handful, re-hid the bag and got to work.

Then snuck back for one more handful! And then just...one...more...and then I shut my office door and hid at my desk hoovering Doritos until Margaret knocked and walked in to announce the pizza had arrived and caught me red-handed.

Err...orange handed. Literally.

And then later that night, this happened...

This Photo:

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That horrible moment when you turn on your camera and realize it's still switched to selfie mode and you see what your real face look like in repose.

ALL the yikes in the world can't even begin to describe this.

This Laundry:

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Remember how proud I was last week of my Mental Health Day on Monday (Otherwise known as "take-a-break-before-you-shiv-somebody" day per Ross or "lay in bed with your fiance like the grandparents from Willie Wonka" according to my friend Danny) and how I did all that laundry? WELL said laundry hung to dry in our living room for a cool 6 days later until someone (me) finally put it away.

I guess I just need to take another mental health day ... one to do the laundry...and then one to fold it. One to put it away. One to iron the fancy stuff. One to rest after all that work. Oh look, I'm retired! Goodbye, corporate world, you've been real.

This Sink:

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Last week I went to not one but two different Asian restaurants and both of them had really fancy sinks. I'm not trying to racially generalize here, I'm just sayin' that was some rad sinnkage.

The first place was a terrible and I mean TERRIBLE estalishment in Chinatown that served undercooked pork dumplings and probably poisoned us all. Their sink was bright blue and shiny, it looked like it was made with ferrari material, and you turned on the water using a joystick. A literal joystick, like you'd use for videogames. It was awesome.

The second place was a delish Sushi spot in Park Slope that I love to visit except whenever I get sushi I eat wahaaaay too much because it seems like it won't fill you up and then wham it totally does and  then Brian's like "hey it's Friday, let's get busy" and I have to be like "no to the way, Jose." There is nothing less of an aphrodisiac than a stomach full of sushi. Is it just me? Is this 15,000% too much information? ALWAYS.

Anyway, their sink is the art deco delight pictured above. It had a regular handle that you flipped up to turn the water on and then moved side to side to change the temperature. How you turn it off is a total mystery to me. I stood in the bathroom for several minutes turning the knob left, right, up down, front to back side to side and the water just kept on running, so I left it run, went back to the table, got my phone, took this photo, moved it around some more and finally, miracle of miracles, the water stopped.

It wasn't just me, I'm happy to report. My friend went in after me and she TOO had issues working the sink so we're blaming it allll on the mechanics of the sink. We're perfect.

Semi related, I'm now majorly jonesing for some eel avocado. Is 9:15 AM too soon? What do Japanese people eat for breakfast?

Life is full of questions!

Aaaand I'm done before I start sharing more weird information about my intimate life and / or inappropriate breakfast cravings. What's new with you chickies? Any big weekend plans? ST PATRICK'S DAY! Get that green beer y'all.

Luck o' the Awkward,

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [3.7.14]

Guten Morgen, Jorgens! That might be German...might be gibberish. How was everyone's week? Mine was fast and productive, just the way I like it, wink. Sorry, gross.  I actually played hooky on Monday...except it was my boss's idea (apparently my fragile emotional state is more obvious that I'd like to admit?!) (don't worry, I'm finally seeking profesh help...more on that later) (parenthesis!) so it was less hooky and more approved personal day but, tomato tomahto. It was amazing. I slept in, until 8:30, which is late for me, did 4 loads of laundry, including our kitchen floor mat which, do you guys wash your kitchen mats?? How often? I think this was the first time since we moved in last August yiiiiikes. I did a little writing, which I promise you'll see soon, cooked a healthy meal, cleaned out my closet, caught up on Scandal, it was divine.

I then came back to work on Tuesday and have been Getting. Shit. Done. Boom!

So! If you can get away with it, professionally sanctioned or no, I'd highly recommend sneaking in a mental health slash get your life together day. I feel so much more on top of everything, calmer, clearer-headed. It's a miracle!

Never fear, though, productive certainly does not mean smooth, so why don't we go to the tapes & take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Dinner:

20140306_183902

Did y'all know that yesterday was the 50th Anniversary of the Invention of the Buffalo Wing? Move over Wright Brothers, Steve Jobs, etcetera...Teressa Bellissamo is truly America's greatest inventor.

As you know, I love buffalo wings almost as much as I love my own family, but I didn't know about this anniversary until late yesterday afternoon, when my friend Kathleen emailed me a link and suggested we should celebrate. I told her I wouldn't be able to last night...

Why? She asked?

I had to go home and put away my laundry...and I had turkey defrosting that I really should cook so...

29 going on 64.

Shut it down.

Kathleen helpfully stepped in with a You're in your 20's, Childless, in one of the Greatest Cities in America, Live a Little Intervention, and we celebrated like kings! Greasy, meat-eating kings.

It's important to surround yourself with good friends who will remind you how lame you are.

These Boots:

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Reason #19086 this godforsaken winter needs to come to an end: I have actual holes in the bottom of my shoes. I look like I just stepped out of, like, Angela's Ashes. I'm too cheap/lazy/sick of winter apparel to get a new pair so...hurry on up, spring, there's snow seeping into my socks!

This Still Life, With Garbage:

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Last night I spilled some water in my purse, as one does, and when I dumped out the contents to dry them off, realized I had a lot of, shall we say, useless trash floating around in there.

I am always fascinated by these clearly staged bits that fashion mags do with celebrities where they ask them what's inside their handbag and the answer is always like, La Mer Handcream (is that even a thing?) and some antique gilded compact mirror that their great-grandmother got from Marie Antoniette herself and 3-5 shades of Nars Lipstick and exactly zero old bandaids or anything a (hopefully?!) normal person might carry around and even though I know it's all fakey-fake, I can't help feeling a little blue about my own nice possessions, or lack thereof. No Mas!

Wihtout further ado, here's what I, Liz Ho, Normal Person, carry around in MY handbag:

Basically L-R, from the top:

Row 1: Pack of tissues printed to look like a snowman, PILE of used tissues, cortisone cream for bug bites, a pile of work papers and on top of them a plastic mermaid and a plastic cactus that were put in my margarita a happy hour many weeks ago and I thought were cute so I took them home, wallet

Row 2: post-it note from one of my many trips to the T-Mobile store where I apparently practiced writing my current name and possible married name in cursive (busted!), two notebooks, one of which started as an old food journal during my cleansing days so in between to-do lists are lists of what I ate and when and then also the exit portion of the digestive process; a salt grinder from Trader Joe's, ONE nude knee high stocking

Row 3: Shout Wipes, hair clips, a packet of bandaids + a few floaters, my blackberry which has not worked in weeks and I keep meaning to get fixed but I love the feeling of freedom that comes from not being able to use it, a travel container of earplugs, my kindle (currently reading a new Sarah Waters novel, coming in September!), on top of the Kindle we have a paring knife which Brian saw and asked me why I was carrying around a shiv,  and a number of old reciepts, several of which are from the wine store

Row 4: An assortment of feminine hygiene products, a promotional screen cleaner that my mom got at a conference and put in my stocking, used Amtrak ticket, stub from a reimbursement check from work, some kind of letter from the health insurance company

Row 5: expired Starbucks gift card, smashed piece of caramel, two empty birth control packets + one currently in rotation, one zillion pens, old nail file that is too worn down to file

Annnnnd THERE YA HAVE IT! What's in YOUR purse? I'm seriously dying to know. The Hairpin did a great series of this a few years ago...let's start another!

This Gift:

Ok...I need to start this with some text & lead up to the good stuff.

I've mentioned our landlady here, she of the amazing decor, and I fear I've come off snarkier than I mean to be. I genuinely treasure her, she's been a fantastic landlord and I appreciate living in the most festive house on the block. We're going to have to move this year, a fact which I will discuss with you later, as I am currently repressing it, so I think we're all getting a little sentimental.

Por ejemplo, Connie is super excited that we're getting married, which is adorable, and this past weekend, I opened our apartment door to find a gift bag hanging on the handle.

What could it be?! 'Twas a gift from Connie.

I first pulled out a beautiful card in a silver envelope , reading "Elizabeth & Brian, I'm going to miss you guys...as you see, I'm making a prediction..."

A prediction?!

From the bag, I pull two frames, wrapped in tissue. The first, a gorgeous, sparkly silver frame, the kind in which you might put your formal wedding photos. I love it!

The second, well, see for yourself:

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Guessing the prediction is baby related? No pressure. I thought the baby questions would wait until at least a day or so after the wedding.

I told a friend about this last night & she said now I'll probably think of Connie every time we're getting busy. Hadn't taken it that far, pal, but now I sure will. Hopefully those multiple packets of BC I've been carrying around do their job and this predic doesn't come true for many, many a year.

I do tease, but seriously how sweet is this? Commence WHY MUST WE MOVE?!?! panic in 4-3-2-1...AAAH!

And that, good sirs, was my week! What are you all up to this weekend? Conceiving some children, maybe? Good luck with that! I'm going to a work event tonight (voluntarily! Toldja I was on the up & up!), hopefully running outside, as the temps may finally rise above 31 farenheit, and Briguy and I may possibly do a little wedding gift registering so fire up those credit cards, America, mama needs a new paring knife, she's been using hers as a shiv!

Hoping you have a delightful weekend, whatever it may entail and don't forget to Spring Forward!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [2.28.14]

Hello, buttercups! How was everyone's week? I'm feeling moderately scattered but really, really looking forward to putting February behind us. March is already promising to ROAR in like a lion with a snowstorm this weekend but, like I've said many a time before, complaining about the weather is bo-ring soooo I'll just do that silently and start working on a little voodoo dance to bring on the sunshine and warm weather.

I'll video-tape it, I promise!

What else is new? Oscars are on Sunday!! I just realized that I saw literally two new movies in 2013, Her, which is actually awesome and a critically acclaimed gem and should win some awards and I feel very proud of myself for having seen it because generally speaking, I only like crap movies, and also The Hunger Games: Catching Fire which was, of course, a masterpiece and is being ROBBED by the academy! Robbed, I say.

My goal for 2014 is to see more smart person movies. So far I have one theater film under my belt and it is Disney's Frozen so...off to a GREAT start, Liz.

It's 9:30 AM and I can't stop eating stale candy hearts.

I'm rambling. Let's put a silencio on this nonsense and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Subway Pole:

What I meant to grab a hold of to steady myself mid-commute.

What I actually grabbed: the handle of an umbrella a fellow commuter had tucked into the side pocket of his backpack.

He was NOT amused.

Photo obviously stolen from the internet, I was far too frazzled in the moment to snap an original masterpiece.

This Couch:

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In my sister's living room in South Philly.

Magnadoodle lives in the CUTEST row home in the Iladeph with a pal of hers and I stayed there on Friday night en-route to Etown for some family stuff. She was getting ready to set the couch for me to sleep on, but I was too chicken to sleep in the living room all by myself, so I made her let me sleep in her bed upstairs.

The couch was downstairs! All alone! RIGHT by the door and a giant picture window and just one room away from the kitchen which has another door which means there were at least three easy ways for murders to climb in and get me.

NO SIR I would not sleep there.

When I first moved to New York, people would ask me if I was scared to live in a such a big and dangerous city and the answer is always no way. Cities don't scare me. I feel like there are so many people, the odds of me getting singled out by a serial killer is probably way less.  I know that Law and Order should prove this theory incorrect BUT conversely, I've seen every single episode of Criminal Minds AND read In Cold Blood so I'm pretty confident in my assertion that the most psycho of killers love open space. The country? HORRIFYING. The bigger the house and the more space surrounding, I think the more opportunities for murderers to sneak up unnoticed and take me back to their Saw dungeon. Maggie's house isn't even remotely in the middle of nowhere, it's a freaking row home, literally surrounded on all sides by other homes, most of them filled with older Italian grannies who love nothing more than spying out their front windows and would most certainly catch the predator before he entered the home and murdered me, but there was still no way JOSE I was sleeping on that couch.

I am a real treat to have around guys. A real treat!

This List:

20140228_095831

Draft One of my extremely long Wedding To Do List. I wrote this out on the train from Pennsylvania last weekend with the help of my sister and then went home and typed it up.

(Allow me to quickly brag here that I am really, really good at making lists. Checking them off is more of a gamble but OH I can craft a finely detailed list like nobody's business. I take weird pride in this skill so just wanted to toot my own horn a little bit. Keep that ego up, ya know?!)

Sometimes when I'm making lists or writing notes or just going about my day-to-day life, I'll do little jokes with myself that make me laugh and are probably stupid but I crack myself up. This particular list was broken down into categories, the first of which was attire. Item one on the list was Liz's Attire, so I wrote what I still need:

Shoes, Accessories and lingerie.

Lingerie I wrote just to be fancy, as my friend and I are currently working on patenting (DON'T STEAL IT!!!) a line of bedazzled bridal spanx so that future brides can feel festive and fancy while still keeping it tight.

Next on the list was Brian's attire, so I wrote: Shoes, Suit, Shirt, Tie ...and then just to make myself laugh, I added "sexy male underwear."

And then sent the list to my mom.

Luckily we have a good relationship and she knows I'm a super weirdo and not easily embarrassed - the very first thing she mentioned when we next spoke on the phone was the Sexy Male Underwear.  Now it's all I can think about when I think about wedding planning and I just crack up.

Poor Brian. This is mostly just embarrassing for him. He has such a long life ahead of him, marrying me!

These Magazines:

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Or rather, how I came to acquire them.

As you know, my job sometimes requires me to wine and dine various members of the media which, for the most part is pretty fun. You get to expense lunch or wine (or both!) and meet new people and then campaigns are more successful because they can put a face to the name when we pitch them, and also we've just bribed them with food and/or alcohol.

But for the other part, it's just painfully, horribly uncomfortable. It's like going on a first date, except in addition to just appearing like a normal human yourself, you ALSO have to be professional and represent your company in a positive light.

Nightmare.

The other week we had a party for one of our authors (after which I fell on the ice, if you'll recall) and I met a friend of hers there who is the editor for a very cool magazine called Mental Floss. We hit it off and set up a lunch date for this week to talk books and magazines and what have you. We were meeting at this cute cafe called Westville in Chelsea and I was running late. I burst into the restaurant a few minutes after 12:30 and realized: I completely forgot what this woman looked like.

I knew she was a white person. POSSIBLY a brunette. Other than that, she could have been anyone.

I gave my name to the hostess and started awkwardly looking around the restaurant. There was one gal sitting at a two-top in the corner, her face slightly blocked by another guest's head. I started to walk towards her to get a better look when the hostess stopped me.

"Oh, that woman is dining alone."

Ok, I thought, not my girl.

I sat at the bar for a few moments, scanning the room. I spotted another solo woman seated further down the bar playing with her phone. I bored holes into the side of her face with my eyes, trying to get her to look up and somehow she'd realize it was me! Or she'd be like "WTF, freak, and I'd know she wasn't my gal."

She did not look up so I tentatively walked in her direction, when the bartender gave his head a silent shake and mouthed "she's not who you're meeting."

First the hostess...then the bartender. This whole staff was WAY TOO aware that I had absolutely no clue was was going on in my life.

I returned to my perch at the end of the bar and tried to pull up my work email, which was being persnickety, so I google imaged my lunch date. I had just confirmed via the googs that she was, indeed, a brunette white lady, when I heard a voice say my name.

In front of me both on the internet AND in the flesh was my lunch date...the very first woman I spotted, who the hostess had assured me was not who I was there to see. She'd been sitting in the corner the whole time, I guess waiting for me to notice her, as I wandered around the establishment like a very sad and lonely headless chicken.

In the end, she was super-duper nice and I think seems like the kind of gal who knows her way around a slightly awkward social situation (I hope she would take that as a compliment!!) but I learned a valuable lesson that day: always, always ALWAYS internet stalk everyone before you meet them in person. It may seem creepy but take it from me: it's necessary.

Annnnd that was my week. How was yours? Any fun plans for the weekend? I'm hoping to hit up Target, catch up with a pal in the neighborhood on Sunday and also have two birthday parties (POPULAR!!!), including one tomorrow night, a 30th, in Jersey City that starts at 9 PM. WHAT! Turning 30 means you finally have an excuse to start stuff at like 3 in the afternoon. 9 PM? Crazy. I'll be napping ALL afternoon Saturday, if anyone is looking for me. I long for the day when my friends finally catch up with my elderly sleep schedule.

Have a lovely weekend, sweet pals. DON'T watch Criminal Minds or Law and Order or anything really, except maybe Disney's Frozen because that movie is a gem and no one gets murdered! Spoiler alert.

xoxoxo Liz

Another Awkward Week - Olympics Edition! [2.21.14]

Здравствуйте, друзья! That'd be "Hello, Friends!" in Russian. Ohh yes, I've got a major case of Putin Fever. Juuust kidding he seems like a raging D but I do love me some 'lympics so...Sochi 4 Lyfe. At least until like, mid-next week when the 2014 Winter Games are but a distant memory and I've moved on to some other temporary obsession.

But for now! It's nothing but curling and speed skating and two man bobsledding round these parts and I maaaay have completely forgotten to document my ever-important life. So in honor of this XXII Olympiad, may I present, with limited comment...

Five Olympians Keeping It Awkward This Week:

Bob Costas

I mean....yes, your eye infection does seem uncomfortable but you're only making it worse by incessantly talking about it. I think the appropriate action in these situations is to confidently power forward as though nothing is wrong, not call attention to the problem. I mean, that's a move I would pull.

And if you're behaving socially in a way Liz Ho might ... you're doing it all very, very wrong.

Jeremy Abbott

Too soon?

I know, I'm the worst. This poor guy just saw his life's hopes and dreams and hard work crush beneath him on the ice and even managed to get up and keep skating and the closest I'll ever get to the Olympics is right here on my couch eating tostitos but people face planting is never not funny.

Am I wrong?

(DIS) honorable mention along with Abbott: ALL of the male figure skaters. Allegedly the premier atheletes in their sport and not a single one made it through without falling?! A disgrace, I say. A DISGRACE.

This Kid

Strike One: With one exception for Anne Lamott, I strongly disapprove of white people with dreadlocks.

Strike Two: WHAT are you wearing. This is the Olympics, dude, show some respect!

Ok, mostly this awkwardness reflects upon me. The hijinks (see: gum chewing on the podium!) and "fashions" of slopestyle snowboarding have revealed what a deeply prudish and conservative granny I truly am.

Olga Graf

Unzipped her skating uniform and forgot she was 100% topless underneath. YOU GO GIRL!!

(Also: how is she speed skating sans sports bra? You srsly go girl.)

These Gods

Just awkward for the rest of us pathetic schlubs who have to wake up every morning and contend with the cold, hard truth that we'll never ever be as perfect as Davis and White.

Annnnd the end. Gold Medal in the "Laziest Blogger Competition: Short Performance."

What is your fave Olympic moment?? Let's dish!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

One Awkward Wedding: Dress Shopping Tipz from an Expert

'ello. Me again! What's that you said? You want me to talk EVEN MORE about wedding dresses? OK!!!

I could talk about wedding dresses all the livelong day so I think I just might. Now that I've shared the oppressively long and detailed story of my own personal dress shopping journey, I wanted to share a few tips & observations I learned while out in the field. Magazines and wedding blogs always tell you the boring obvious stuff like "know what kind of dresses you like" and "make an appointment" and "don't eat spaghetti while trying on wedding dresses" but there's so much more to this magical process and the world needs someone to share the real dirt. I can be that dirt person!

- Be upfront about your budget. 

This might be obvious and covered by other people but I felt it bore repeating. For serious, y'all, just tell these people what you can afford and stick to it. One thing I was consistently impressed with at all of the stores I visited was how respectful they were of my financial limits. I was nervous we'd encounter that seminal Say Yes to the Dress moment where I'd set a strict line for the budget and then someone would haul out a $4,000 gown and I'd fall in love and have some kind of emotional crisis but not one of the consultants so much as attempted to pull that move. They kept ME in check, pulling me away from more expensive gowns and showing me comparable options within my price range.  I was grateful and surprised by this. Other places might not be the same but that's all the more reason to stick to your guns. Financially speaking. I wouldn't advise bringing actual guns into a bridal salon...

ALSO: if this means that Say Yes to the Dress isn't like real life...what else do you think TLC has been lying about?!!

- Wear nude underwear.

Nothing ruins the illusion of a schmancy white gown like hot pink polka dotted undies shining through on your behind. I realized that the only nude underbusiness I own was of the thong variety and didn't know how appropriate that might be in a semi-public dressing room situation, so the weekend before we went shopping, I spent several hours on Friday night sitting on the floor of Target digging through bins of nude colored underwear trying to find just ONE pair of full-booty coverage bottoms in my size. I managed to find two pair (pairs? I don't know grammar anymore!) that fit, so I snagged 'em and never looked back. Turned out that both were lace and fully sheer, negating the modesty I'd tried so hard to preserve. Shoulda just gone for the thong!

Related...

- KEEP IT SILKY SMOOTH

Let's just cut right to the chase: when you're going wedding dress shopping, you might want to make sure your  whole downtown area is in check, if you know what I mean. Now, obviously I believe in a woman's right to style or not style her body hair as she sees fit, society be damned, however due to said society, many women (for example me) might feel insecure, for better or for worse (undecided) being seen in her skivvies with an unkempt bikini area. SO if you are one of these ladies, you might want to spend an extra few minutes with your Venus Spa Breeze (not an endorsement, but would love some free razors if you're offering, Venus) before you hit the shops, because your business will be on display for many and I mean MANY eyes.

Which brings me to this...

-There Is No Time for Modesty.

In the course of my shopping weekend, I think my bresticles (and more!) were seen by no less than 9 pairs of eyes, some belonging to strangers, some to friends, none, PRAISE HIM to my future mother-in-law. I'm all for casual nudity but there are some situations where you might just want to keep a little mystery alive, you know?  

All of the consultants I worked with were polite and offered to look away but honestly, I figured get over it. Again, as I said, I'm not that concerned in general about a little nip-slippage, who cares, (oh you just KNOW I'm going to be such a self-righteous public breastfeeder some day) and especially in front of these women. It's like being insecure when you go to the gyno. These ladies probably see like 30 pairs of knockers per day, minimum, they are completely immune and genuinely uninterested by your hooters. You can try to play it coy but that'll just drag everything out and make the whole day slightly longer and more complicated so I say just get over yourself and let those boobies fly.

Maybe don't accidentally wear see-through underwear, though, this isn't Showgirls. Sorry, sweet lady at Lovely Bride...that can't have been pleasant.

- CREEP ON EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

Y'all. The VERY BEST part of wedding dress shopping is the other shoppers. It is like physically being inside an episode of Say Yes to the Dress. A DREAM COME TRUE! The very first boutique I went to was tiny and was just me (snooze) but all of the others had open dressing areas. Well, open posing areas, I mean. We changed in private rooms (now THAT would be some casual nudity) but then all of the mirrors were in outside of the dressing rooms, so that the bride's peeps could see her...as could everyone else in the room. It was flipping awesome.

It's important to surround yourself with people who share your interests and hobbies, which is why I choose to hang around people who love spying on and judging other people's business so you can trust my entire crew was deeply, deeply invested in the lives of everyone around us.

There was the gal at Lovely Bride who was trying on exclusively 4K + designer gowns...all of which were hideous...and the other gal beside me who kept trying on really pretty dresses but then pairing them with like, bad accessories or mis-matched veils and Schmoops and I had to physically restrain ourlseves not to just take over her whole fitting and yell "you're doing everything wrong!"

She totally was, though.

At David's on Sunday there was this super cute girl trying on all these short, retro looking gowns and we all kept staring at her and at one point I gave her a thumbs up when I really liked what she was wearing (is is never normal/smooth to give a thumbs up, just FYI), she then started trying on traditional gowns and we all got really nervous and worked up about it because she so clearly was working the short look better...what would she choose?! She chose short and we all cheered (outloud) and clapped for her and she was THE cutest and I love her. Beside her were two Asian girls who may or may not have been friends OR they were both alone and became friends there. Hard to tell. I kind of hope they became friends there and remain life long besties forever. Wouldn't that be a great romantic comedy?! They kept swapping gowns and trying on the same looks. In our super humble, totally correct opinion, all the dresses they were trying were snooze worthy.

RK Bride was the best though, obviously. I mean, that place was out of control. At any given moment like 10 women were trying on wedding gowns and everyone was crowded around staring at them. I was sharing a 3 way mirror with the woman in the changing room next to me and according to my crew, she was having like a legit SYTTD experience. One of the members of her party, who turned out to be her Mother in Law, kept harshing on all of her choices and the consultant literally said "This is about you. This is your day. Not theirs."

Aaaaah! I die.

The next day when we went back to pick up my gown we had pah-lenty of time to kill just standing around like morons while the staff looked for my dress. We became BFF with this group of women shopping for a dress for a wedding the week after mine. We were suuuper invested in her search and she picked the dress we all liked the best!!! But then I found out she was having a beach wedding and I found her gown too formal for a beach wedding and was super upset she didn't ask my opinion first because I thought we were pals?! Girllll why don't you listen to my advice??

Thennn we went to Heartland Brewery near Port Authority to get burgers (unsurprisingly, the very worst burger I have ever eaten...here I thought the bus station was known for their haute cuisine) and who was seated at the table next to us but ANOTHER future bride we had been all up on that day! She and her mom were sharing a piece of cake (cuuuute!) and we basically accosted them, yelling "OH MY GOD HI!! You looked so beautiful! Did you pick a gown?!"

Annnnd they just stared at us in shock/horror and we had to introduce ourselves as fellow RK shoppers who had been staring at them the whole time she was trying on gowns and that's not weird at all. So lesson within the lesson: keep your stalking under wraps, you creep.

It was seriously so much fun. I half-jokingly but actually mostly seriously would consider just going and hanging around one of these salons some day just so I can spy on people buying dresses. Seriously I will do it. Would you like to come with me?!!

Ok, enough is enough, I will stop talking about wedding dresses now! I swear. Hopefully these essential, life-saving tips might come in handy for someone, somewhere, someday. Probably not but I just really like giving unsolicited life advice, so there ya go.

XOXO Liz

Another Awkward Week [1.30.14]

Goood morning, you perfect sunflowers. How was everyone's week? Mine was...meh. I'm in the midst of the blissful lady time known as pre menstrual syndrome and have been basically a living breathing cliche of a hormonal woman. Judd Apatow himself couldn't write me better.  I was even more hyper-emotional than usual which, as you can imagine, is a real treat. I nearly burst into tears at the slightest of upsets (count your blessings you were not present Wednesday when I was six minutes late to a department meeting at work and almost threw myself out the window in melodramatic despair) and all I wanted to do was eat chocolate chip cookies and listen Taylor Swift. Which is basically my regular life, I know, but this week, it was all the ballads you guys. THE BALLADS!

Ladies are like...I know it all too well! HAHA get it? NO please don't. That's a lyric to a Taylor Swift song. WHAT is wrong with me, I need a musical slash life intervention like, yesterday.

If only we could go Back to December...Speak Now if you'd like me to keep this going...NOPE. Nope. I'm done. Let's end this TSwizzles fest and take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Coffee:

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Sunday morning I woke up at like 7 AM semi hungover and totally groggy and realized we were out of coffee, so I bundled myself up for the subarctic temperatures and struck out in search of some joe. (Or, jo, if you're being tricky in Scrabble, which...don't even get me started.) I could and probably should have just gone to the coffee shop on the corner and had them give me an already brewed cup, but on weekends, it's just so much nicer (and more cost-efficient!) to brew at home. Plus you can drink out of a real mug, instead of one of those terrible, flimsy paper cups that always leaks out the lid and gets all over your mittens. Or does that just happen to me?

I had a number of options for purchasing coffee within a few block radius of my home: bodegas which have the cheap stuff BUT don't take credit cards or fancy organic grocery stores that mostly only carry the expensive stuff but take plastic. As I had no cash, I decided to try my luck with the swanky place.

Now, Brian and I are coffee snobs, but like, on opposite day. We stand very firmly in our belief that the fancy stuff is overrated. Bring us a plain old cuppa joe! Preferably Chock Full O' Nuts but we'll go with a Folgers if necessary. None of this fancy, shade grown, pure bean, slow pour hipster bullshit.

I'm sure that stuff actually tastes "better" and is organic and fair trade, while we're drinking the equivalent of carcinogenic motor oil picked by child slaves in Somalia or whatever and I do feel bad about that, I DO! I feel bad about everything, literally every single thing that I eat or drink or do but sometimes I just don't have the money or energy to do the right thing, so I'm just going to go right ahead and enjoy my cheap, slave labor coffee.

Today's unnecessary long winded guilt stricken rant brought to you by the letter C...for coffee!

Anyway, where was I? Oh! In the coffee aisle of the grocery store. Which is actually just a shelf right in front of the register. I was the only customer in the store, so the two clerks got a real show of me wandering around like a homeless person in my 2 layers of sweatpants, fur boots and ear-band over top of a hat over top of bedhead.

I have long maintained that the hardest thing to do before coffee is acquire coffee and this shopping spree proved that theory. OF course they had no regular coffee, and I wasn't nearly awake enough to make any quick decisions so I stood there staring at all of the options, wandering back and forth, touching all the containers of coffee, staring at labels, trying to figure out if I'd prefer Guatemalan over Colombian. Most of the coffees they sold were whole bean which honestly,why? Why would you make yourself go through all that effort? This is America. In the 21st Century. You can pay someone to do that for you.

I mean, again, yes, it's probably an impoverished 8-year-old but come on. Get over yourself. No one thinks you're cool because you smush up your own coffee beans, ok?

(Said the woman who refuses to buy bottled salad dressing...pot calling the coffee ketttle super black.)

Finally, 20 minutes later, I settled on a bag of coffee that did not anywhere on the label at all, trust me on this, guys, say that it was whole beans, paid a cool $12.99 for the stuff (as compared to $5 for a can of chock fulla!) and slogged my self home fantasizing about a steamy, dreamy cup of coffee. I ripped open the bag and OH WAIT ... IT WAS WHOLE BEAN!

Come on. Is this grounds for a law suit? I'm going to go ahead and assume YES. I mean, hair dryers have to include  a warning not to put them in the bath tub, I think coffee distributors should be legally mandated to give their friendly customers a heads up on their bean situation BEFORE they shell out approximately six hundred dollars for their overpriced nonsense. I'm seriously taking this straight to the White House.

I'm sure they'll have time for me just as soon as they resolve this whole Bieber situation.

So, after all that, I strapped my outdoor gear back on, walked over to the coffee shop and did what I probably shoulda done in the first place: I bought a takeaway coffee, in a flimsy paper cup. And honestly...it was delicious.

While I was gone, McGyver Scott tried to grind the beans in our food processor and it did NOT work. Sadly I missed this whole process which is probably for the best, as I would have likely videotaped it and put it on the internet with 50 paragraphs about how great he is ... I'm becoming like a weird stage mother to my boyfriend. It's creepy.

In other grocery shopping news...

This Olive Oil:

20140129_214727

$6 for a full liter, only at Trader Joe's. Once you've purchased oil at the Teej there is NO turning back. I can't justify buying it anywhere else. It's just so cheap! We ran out this week so I had a TJ's trip scheduled for Wednesday night when a friend suggested happy hour instead.

I know what you're thinking, another drunk Trader Joe's trip, Liz? NO! I solved my Trader Joe's splurging issue by shopping before I hit the bar.

I mean, OK sure, were the bags of groceries super bulky and awkward as I tried to push myself into the one snug open seat at the swanky wine bar? Yes.

Did the super attractive couple trying to enjoy their date next to me give me suuuurious side-eye as I rearranged my food purchases around me like a bag lady? Sure!

Did they give me double the side-eye when I then spotted a better seat had opened up a mere two minutes later, grabbed my groceries, coat, hat and cetera and begged them to move their chairs so I could snag those seats before anyone came? Of course.

Yes, all of these things happened and yes I definitely caused a scene and yes I then spent $30 on wine which kind of negated the whole olive oil savings which was the reason for this whole trip in the first place but it was worth it guys, it was. I finally found a way to keep my impulse shopping in check while in Trader Joe's! I just need to make sure I shop for necessities on my way TO somewhere, then I'll be forced to put down the frozen spanikopita and chocolate covered espresso beans and 8 lb bag of sweet potatoes: ain't no room for that!

I am a money saving, grocery shopping genius.

This Sleeve:

20140128_085101

The other morning I changed my outfit three times because everything I tried on felt too sloppy. Finally settled on a semi-nice cream colored top only to get to work and find the sleeve covered in this ENORMOUS stain.

And it was bone dry, so definitely way old and not fresh coffee. What IS that? How long has it been there? And how sloppy were my other clothes if THIS was the best I could come up with?!

Classay.

Speaaaaking of sleeves...

This Sweater:

20140129_164606

But wait! We've seen this sweater before. OH YEAH. Just wanted to reassure you that I'm still wearing this bad boy, pen stains, huge holes and all. I'ma keep wearing this until it just literally disintegrates right off my body.

Aaaaand I am done now. I'm done! I'm going to go pour myself a piping hot cup of home brewed, non-organic, cheapass coffee, crank up the T Swift and get this day STARTED.

Smooches!

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.24.14]

Good morning, snowflakes! How is everyone? If anyone is looking for a bland and unsatisfying snack, might I recommend a semi-stale, untoasted, whole grain english muffin spread with some almond butter? It'll quench your hunger, yes, but also leave you feeling deeply depressed and remorseful that you just wasted your time and snacking energy on such a boring, dumb morsel. GRR! I'll be starting my spin-off food blog annnny day now.

Anyway, what is up?! I know I'm stating the obvious here but it is flipping FREEZING. I've been wearing tights under my pants all week and I'm not going to lie to you guys...I LOVE it. It's so cozy and everything feels all snug and secure. I'm might just do this forever. I want invisible full body spanx that just keeps everything feeling all nice and tight.

I realize this effect can be achieved naturally via something called "exercise" but wouldn't it be so much better if you could just BUY it?!

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my science lab, working on this invention.

JK, if anyone's looking for me I'll be right here, like always, talkin' about myself.

So without further ado, why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this [polar vortexy] week.

These Jammies:

20140122_065504

A college roommate of mine (Hi Alli!) turned us all on to this crazy superstition of wearing your jams inside-out the night before a snowstorm to bring on a snow day the next day. It snowed this week  so I gave it a try ... and it totally failed. Whomp. Not like I would ever get a snow day, publishing stops for no man or winter storm!, but Brian was really jonesing for school closure and I'm the nicest fiance ever so I bossily made him put on his pajamas the wrong way but alas: we were foiled.

Bill DiBlasio! I would take back my vote...if only I'd actually voted instead of being such a worthless citizen!

PS. the mismatched socks have no superstitious value, that's just how I roll.

This Nail Polish:

20140124_074940

So this was part of a themed gift from my brother and I love my brother and the gift and the polish IN the bottle, but once it was on my nails it was just TOO much. Too bright or purple or both. No bueno. I hated it so much I couldn't concentrate. Seriously. I would just sit here all day distracted by the site of my garish fingers moving on the keyboard.

There is this wacky lady at our office who rumor has it took too much LSD at Studio 54 back in the day and now just toddles around the office wearing fur vests and cut-off jort overalls with stockings underneath and hats indoors (a peeve of mine, if anyone's curious) (as always, no one was) singing in French and disturbing everyone she passes.

She's a real treat.

Anyway, I found myself standing in the kitchen at the same time she was there (every morning at 11 AM she peels and eats an orange standing over the shared trash can and I KNOW I should avoid the area at that time, but I wanted tea!) and just in case I wasn't already self conscious enough about my gaudy nails, Crazy Town McGee stops mid peel and squawks: "WOOOOW now THAT is some great nail polish!"

As you can guess, a compliment from this gal = you're doing something very, very wrong.

I ran away from her, quickly, thinking I must immediately remove my nail polish, but first, I must take some photos for blogging purposes. You always see those photos on pinterest or wherever of a person's nails with them holding something...I tried to recreate with my own hand and it was straight up impossible. I had to bend my arm in at this totally unnatural and claw-like angle to get my nails in the camera.

20140123_183801

WHAT IS THE TRICK? How do they do it? Am I missing something? This seems like a skill that is ESSENTIAL to master if I want to be a successful human.

Here are the photos I managed to snap:

[gallery ids="2583,2584,2585,2586"]

L-R: homage to Twilight, amazing crass mug from my assistant, some vitamins because I saw how rapidly this was spinning out of control, so why not make it extra weird, aaannnnd displaying my engagement ring with my hand pressed firmly against the wall.

I can have this made into a collage & framed if anyone's interested?

Also YES I did this during work hours yesterday...how am I still employed?

These Meatballs:

20140122_071954

Lately our grocery store has been having amazing sales on 3-lb packages of ground turkey so I've been stocking up and freezing it to have around.

Fuuuuck me I sound like such a grown-up. "Gotta run down to the deli, Bonnie, they're having some serious sales in the deli section!"

Oy.

The first time this happened, I did the extra super grownup Real Simple Magazine move of separating the meat into appropriate sized portions and freezing so we didn't have to deal with thawing and eating 3Lbs of turkey meat in one sitting but for whatever reason, this time I just shoved it right in the freezer whole hog.

Er, whole bird?

It turns out that a solid three pound hunk of turkey meat is NOT that easy to cut into. Just FYI. Brian is an Eagle Scout (!) and if you'll allow me to get a little schmaltzy for just un segundo, one thing I just love about this guy is that he has a super cute butt. And another thing I love about him is that he always likes to try to tinker around and MacGuyver things until he can fix them. It doesn't always work, but he always tries and it's always so adorable and I just want to squeeze him and smooch his face.

Gross, sorry.

Anyway, his solution to the ground turkey sitch? The ol' chisel trick:

20140111_142928

Like Michelangelo turned a slab of stone into David, that sexy hunk of marble man meat, Brian turned our turkey log into two sexy hunks of meat meat, which we then grilled and ate, burger style.

Delicious!

We still had a full 2 lbs left in the freezer, so I decided to thaw it out and make a big batch of  meatballs, about 14 of which we ate with spaghetti in one sitting (it was snowing! don't judge) and the rest of which I planned to freeze for later consumption.

Like a grown-up!

I put the hot meatballs in a container on the counter and left them there to cool before putting in the freezer because one time, on Thanksgiving, I got into a big snit with my mom because she told me you should let your food cool before putting the leftovers away and I was all "Mooommm! Don't tell me what to do!" (teenagers, am I right!) (JK, I was 28) and everyone knows you should always listen to your mother.

Except then I totally forgot about them and left them out all night long.

Pwomp.

The ever helpful Yahoo! Answers assured me that eating poultry left out overnight would surely kill me and so, into el garbagio they went.

SO MUCH EFFORT went into using up this godforsaken lump of turkey meat only to throw half of it in the trash. That's the last time I ever try to responsibly bargain shop at the grocery store. Or just grocery shop at all.

From here on out we're just going to Taco Bell every night.

(I'll def need those invisible spanx then!)

This Appetizer:

IMG_4750

Chips & Guac! There is this restaurant in my neighborhood that has amazing guacamole which they serve with either fried tortillas or soft tortillas. I went the other night & I guess I forgot the word "fried" and also the word "tortilla" because when I tried to order, it went a little something like this:

Waiter: "Hello, may I take your order?"

Liz: "Yes please. We would like some guacamole and the hard ones. Those hard things. Not the soft ones, the ones that are hard?"

Waiter: "Chips. You mean you would like chips?"

Liz: [red face shame] "Yes please."

CHIPS guys! A new invention I apparently just learned about. They're GREAT with guacamole!

This Coffee:

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Purchased to keep me warm and energized during a 45-minute wait at the Post Office yesterday afternoon. Except I realized I forgot to put milk in the cup and I haaaate black coffee. I considered going back to Starbucks and just sort of serruptitiously putting in some milk but I had already gotten to the Post Office and there were literally 4576 people ahead of me in line and it was so cold out, so I just stood there and held this stupid, piping hot cup of coffee until it started to burn my hand, at which point I put on one of my mittens (indoors!) but then I felt weird and also I managed to get coffee allll over my white mitten so I took it back off and the coffee had cooled enough to hold and then just 27 minutes later, after the woman in front of me finished arguing with the teller about the availability of rare tiger face stamps, I finally made it to the front of the line,  bought my stamps, came back to work and poured some milk into my now lukewarm, half-spilled cup of coffee.

Best $2.77 I ever spent.

Speaking of money, stamps are increasing by 3 cents starting this Monday, so if you have, say, a pile of save the dates laying on your bedroom floor begging to be sent out, go stock up on those stamps immediately!! I got stamps for STD's (nope, can't abbreviate that) and response cards (even though I just want to use internet RSVP's but my mom thinks it's tacky...more on that at a later date) and saved a whopping $7.50 by getting them this week before the prices went  up.

How many doves do you think I can buy with 7 dollars and 50 cents? Like a hundred? Two hundred?

This Music Video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk]

 Actually this is only awkward if you're the kind of person who hates joy and pleasure because this movie is the jimmity JAM, y'all. I'm actually not that big into Disney films. In truth, I kind of find adults who are still super into Disney to be a little stunted and off-putting and as a feminist, I have a lot of problems with the whole Princess genre but as a human being with two ears, two eyes and one sentimental heart: I effing love them.

So the only awkward thing about this video is if A: you're an adult who is super into Disney in which case I just offended your kind, SORRY! and B: the amount of times I have watched it this week which would be approx 673. And counting.

I urge you all to RACE out to the theaters this moment and watch this film. You won't regret it! Unless you hate musicals or sisters or animation or FUN in which case you definitely will but you sound lame, so forget you.

And that's that! What did we learn this week? Frozen is amazing, tiger stamps are hard to come by, fried tortillas are called "chips," inside out jammbos do NOT guarantee snow days, purple nail polish is horrible and NEVER EVER listen to your mom when it comes to leftovers.

Good stuff!

Stay warm this weekend, kids.

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.17.14]

Hey Skittles! (What? Why?) How was everybody's week? Mine felt interminable. 'Twas  my second full week back after my long holiday break and thank the gods of every religion that we have off Monday because I am just NOT having it with this whole five day workweek scenario. A fat no thank you to that. I just spilled water on my laptop, always great for electronics, and in trying to quickly dry it up, I somehow managed to make the page super tiny small and now my fingerpad keyboard mouse type thingey won't work and I don't know how to fix it. HALP! Maybe it will be stuck like this forever and I'll have to type wearing giant magnifying glasses. NOOOOOO!

Ok fixed it. What a tense moment that was! And we all went through it together. I don't know about you, but I feel like we've really been through Hell and back and have come through the other side, stronger and better for it.

Oh my god, I am seriously losing it. ANYWAY. Ok. So. Where were we? Oh yes! 2014. Here is a gratuitous photo of me & Brian on NYE + our photobomber friend Kamran because I think it's cute, even though Brian looks like a bit of a demon with this red-eye which I would totally fix if I knew how to use a computer.

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3 Year Anniversary! Que Romantique!

SO!I knowww I said I'd be back to my regularly scheduled programming today but looking through my phone/brain, apparently NOTHING awkward has happened to me in the last three weeks! MAYBE I'm normal now! New Year, New You!!! 

Ok, I guess you could count the large chunk I took out of my index finger with a wine opener on Christmas Eve literally one second after uttering "don't worry, I know how to open a bottle of wine."

And then the exploding champagne bottle at my friend's during the Golden Globes.

Maybe I should also confess to eating, in January, SEVERAL cookies from a tin that my department had baked & sent out pre-Christmas as a gift only to have it be returned post New Years. LIKE YOU WOULDN''T.

Or crawling around our apartment on my hands and knees wearing an old t-shirt, no bra and, inexplicably, rain boots, attempting to sweep up the 450-897966 pine needles that rained off of our dead old tree when we finally took it down ... last night.

Oh, and of course, there was that incident where I flushed our apartment toilet (POST numero dos) and it overflowed all over the bathroom floor ...and we had company over (kill me literally immediately) and I ran out in to the living room where our guests were sitting with a plunger in one hand and 9000 paper towels in the other and very casually cool announced "soooo basically no one is allowed back in our bathroom until I say so don't ask any questions everything's fine GREAT BYE! and then ran away to deal with the disaster. I fixed it FYI. 

YES. Those are things that have happened but sadly for us all, have not been photographed. Maybe happily for all of us in the overflowing john situation. Perhaps not a new year, new me at all but just a new year, lazier me when it comes to photography. Better luck next week!

Maybe I just need a little inspiration...in the form of other people's misery! Help a sister out, friends. PLEASE tell me the funniest thing that's happened to you these last few weeks? Sharing is caring!

AAAAAAND...GO!

Another Awkward Week - Thanksgiving Edition [11.27.15]

Gobble, Gobble, Turkeys! Who's excited for Thanksgiving? I'm pumped UP! Get at me, stuffing.

To be honest, I've actually been a little anxious about the impending holiday (LOL, who me? Anxious? Well I nevah!). We're squeezing a lot into a few short days: first in NJ with Brian's parents,then down to Philly to stay at my sister's & do a second turkey dinner and thennnn go up to my hometown in PA to attend my 10 Year High School reunion, for which I have been very actively involved in the planning committee because I have sucker printed big & bold on my forehead, apparently, and then back up to NYC on Sunday to return to the real world.

These are all wonderful things and will be great fun, but I've been worried, I have! This is the first year that Brian & I are doing holidays together - my first Thanksgiving away from my immediate family. I know this is just life and adulthood and I need to nut up and get over it, but it feels strange. I'm at once excited and a little bit sad, mourning the end of The Way Things Always Are, instead of eagerly looking ahead to building a new family unit with Brian. I don't want either of our families to feel left out or given the short end of the deal.Then, this reunion, which can't be a failure because everyone from high school will hate me! Which...why do I care? I shouldn't, but I do. I don't want to let anyone down. Anywhere. Ever!

I just want everyone to be happy and for everything to be perfect all the time forever and an eternity, amen. Is that too much to ask?!

Probably. Mayhaps (an excellent, underused word!) I should be using my brainspace to focus on the good, rather than dramatically worry? MAYHAPS!

And so, in no particular order and certainly not complete, a few things I am thankful for this year:

First and Foremost: Cheesy Clipart 

The 3 F's: My Family, Friends and Fiance (!)

A few more F's: French Fries, Fresh Flowers, Farmers Markets, Fleece, Feminism, Forks and Frosties (of the latter, I haven't had one in years, but I'm just thankful to know they exist.) 

Hulu Plus

Hiking Trails (& strong legs for those mountain climbs!)

Instagram

Sandwiches

My Covered Wagon Lamp

Taylor Swift

The Color Green 

Decorative Gourds

And, of course: all you weirdos who let me rant and rave and tell strange stories on the internet and somehow find that entertaining. Y'all complete me, you really, really do. 

So for you, for YOU I say, why don't we stop being so damn earnest and get funky fresh. A quick look at what was keeping it awkward this short, carbo-laden week.

These Groceries:

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Over the weekend, I stopped by the market to pick up some fresh healthy business because it is a known scientific FACT that if you eat at least one piece of fruit every day for the week before Thanksgiving, you can then have allll the pie and potatoes and wine and you will actually lose weight! Total true fact, gang.

I was walking out of the store when an onion fell down in front of me and I sort of kicked it with my foot, across the street.

I assumed it had just fallen out of the top of the bag. I laughed, picked it up and kept walking.

NOOOOOPE. Turns out the bottom of the bag had ripped open and suddenly all of my groceries went cascading onto the sidewalk. Apparently I had only purchased round foods, so they then went rolling in all directions. I scrambled around on my hands and knees on the dirty sidewalk, chasing after apples and lemons and onions, oh my!

A man actually walked past me and said "you a mess, girl."

OH AM I? No duh, neighbor. Charmed, I'm sure.

It probably didn't help that I was sporting this get-up, in public:

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Oh yes. That'd be moccassins (with a hole in one toe), Valentine's Day socks pulled up OVER leggings, a neon blue t-shirt and severely greasy hair all topped off by that food-stained, grotesque zip-up hoodie which should never be allowed out of the house. I actually acquired that beautiful specimen on a first date many a years back.  The guy was polite enough to give me his jacket when I was cold...but not so polite as to ever call me again, so I got to keep the sweatshirt. Booyah. I should don't know if I should feel like, insulted that I never heard from this guy,  but c'mon, dude wore a poop-colored sweatshirt on a first date...nothing to waste too many tears on. 

This Plastic Bag:

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Remember that guy from American Beauty who was all obsessed with the beauty of plastic bags blowing in the wind? Well, imagine how many more Oscars that film would have won if one of the plastic bags had blown up and hit a beautiful young (ish) lady right in the face as she was walking to dinner.

Imagine THAT!

Just look at that bastard, hanging out in a tree, taunting me. I'll get you back, bag. Never rest. When you least expect it: oh, I'll be there.

Other inanimate objects getting all up in my business this week...

This Umbrella:

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I came home from the movies late last night (Catching Fire! One Million Stars! Movie of the Year!) and it was a torrential downpour outside. I closed my umbrella when I came in the building and went to leave it outside of my apartment door, to dry. I guess I dropped it way hard and it landed riiiight on the top which somehow caused a chain reaction, forcing the umbrella to POP open, smacking into my shins and causing me to trip into my front door.

I almost died. Right there in my own doorway. I'd NEVER make it in the Hunger Games.

And that's my week! Short and sloppy. Just like I like my turkeys.

What are YOU thankful for this year?!!! 

Wishing a very Happy Thanksgiving, to all near and far. Strangers or friends. Or foes! Even foes! Have you ever called someone a foe in real life? Like "oh, that guy over there, he's my foe." That's another word we need to bring back into day to day conversation.

And a Happy  Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish peeps out there. Shalom! Mazel Tov! Other Jewish Words!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [11.22.13]

Good. Morning. Dudes. How's everyone doing? I'm not gonna lie to y'all: I'm a scoonch on the cranky side. I just can't seem to accept the fact that it is not yet the weekend. That we still have 8+ more hours of working and wearing pants and generally being not on the couch. I can't get behind that. I call a foul on the whole earth. Everyone, it's time to go back to bed! Ok to save me from launching into a full on melodramatic tirade about the cruelties of the modern world, why don't we just try to put on our happy pantsand take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This "Poncho":

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One possible factor in this morning's mood: it is grey and rainy here in the NYC. Also, I couldn't find a single one of the dozens of umbrellas I suh-wear we own, so I fashioned a poncho/rain bonnet out of a garbage bag.

Genius or pathetic? I'ma go with genius. Watch yo' back, MacGyver. Two can play this game.

Wish I could say this was the first time I wrapped myself in plastic this week but wait, nope...

This Bib:

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I got to go to a super swankadoo work event on Wednesday night (The National Book Awards! One of our authors won!) so I was looking extra good at the office all day. A blazer over a cocktail dress can instantly take it from day to night! Did you know that? I should write for Vogue!

ANYWAY. We all know how good I am at eating food and I was worried about getting my lunch all over my dry-clean-only, snazzy day/evening wear so I hooked a grocery bag to the lapels of my blazer et voila: a bib!

Pure sophistication right there.

Speaking of pure sophistication...

This Makeover:

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If you recall, one of my New Years' Resolutions for 2013 was to figure out how to wear red lipstick and drink whiskey. Lofty goals, I know. On Friday evening I hosted some of my lady friends for an evening of trying whiskey and lipsticks. We called it Classy Broads Night. To give you an idea of just what kind of broads we're dealing with here, one gal announced that she'd arrived via car service (classy!) ... but also wasn't wearing a bra (less so!). It was one of the best nights I've had in quite some time.

One friend, Kathleen, has become a fermented grain mash aficionado, so she led us in a guided taste test of  four different types of whiskey, each one more disgusting than the last. She was very official about the whole thing. First she poured us each a small portion (possibly called "a finger")  and then instructed us to "spend the next five minutes smelling it." Fun activity! While we sat and sniffed, she gave a dramatic reading from the back of the bottle, explaining the whiskey's history, flavor palate (i.e. "mint, leather, papaya, wood and Sweden" - yum!) and other general information. All of these were hilarious. If you are a struggling creative writer looking for a place to get out all of your best metaphors, flourishing adjectives and overblown narrative, might I suggest applying to be a whiskey company copy writer? These jabronies take themselves wa-haaaay too seriously. From the website of one of them:

WE DIDN’T SET OUT TO EMBODY THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE AND SELF-RELIANCE OF THE HUDSON VALLEY, IT JUST TURNED OUT THAT WAY.

Did you, though, really, guys? It's whiskey. I love my booze as much as the next Irish Catholic lush but let's all just calm it down a notch or 73.

Moving on. After we sat around and sniffed, Kathleen then allowed us to begin sipping.

"Like a shot?" someone asked (see what I mean about sophistication?)

The thing about whiskey is - it is terrible! Every sip burned. Kathleen told us it's supposed to hurt, just power through the pain. When one pal exclaimed that her esophogus was on fire, Kathleen assured her "that's good!"

WHAT! No. "Pain is good for you?" That's what they tell people in like, the NFL. Or concentration camps. Why are we consuming something that smells like nail polish remover, burns our esophoguses (esophagi?) and requires time and effort to enjoy.

I'm still not on board. I tried. I really tried! I know that whiskey is sexy and rugged and sophisticated and girls who sidle up to a bar and order bourbon, neat, are totally smokin' hot babes and I really want to be all of those things...whelp, I am not.

I'm an extra large glass of bargain brand Sauvignon Blanc. And I'm just going to have to live with that.

In the midst of our tasting, our other friend Nicole, who is a makeup artist gave each one of us a brand new, beautiful lipstick and showed us how to apply, complete with lip liner. Ooh la lah. Everyone looked stunning and amazing and then, since none of us know how to wear lipstick, we spent the next several hours alternating between staring at ourselves in the mirror (Kathleen!) to sitting very still, trying not to move our lips when speaking, for fear of smudging. We all need so much help.

My color was called Russian Red and as you can see above, it looked pretty good! I was feeling seductive and badass until...this happened:

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How. HOW HOW HOW did lipstick end up on the bridge of my nose? I guess I touched my mouth and then wiped my face? I was probably biting my nails (gross, I know!) but why was I then rubbing all over my nose? There are no answers to these questions.

So there you have it. New Years Resolution 2013 ... complete? I drank whiskey and wore red lipstick and pretty much failed at both of them but I'm just going to go ahead and call it a wild success.

Whiskey-Night-Liz-1

Cheers!

And I guess I'll just take this whole classy drunk theme to the end with a story for which I don't have a picture because, as you'll see below, I wasn't quite in the photographing state.

As I mentioned, Wednesday night I was out at this fancy party for the National Book Awards. The party started at 10 PM (on a school night! Are you kidding me?!), so to kill time between work and the party, some friends and I got a few glasses of vino before hitting up the high endopen bar for several more hours. A whole WORLD of good decision making right there. I am not joking when I say that I am still hungover. I can't hang like I used to, guys, I just can't. How does anyone a) stay up past 10 PM on weeknights, just in general and b) drink heavily while doing so and then c) leave the house the next day? My entire body is in pain. All day yesterday I was just wishing the grim reaper to come upon me with his cape and his scythe and just put me out of my misery.

Anyway, I think that I had the idea to include something in my blog about wearing a blazer and then putting a coat over it and how weird that feels. Double the coats! Does anyone else ever experience this? Men? Do any men (aside from Ross, hi Ross!), even read this blog? Do you ever get used to wearing a coat over another coat? What a strange strange world we live in!

So I guess that was in the back of my mind and then I had a semi-awkward incident again involving my jacket at this NBA party - I'd left my coat & tote (rhyme!) in the coat check but of course couldn't find my check ticket when I was getting ready to leave, so I had to walk around the cloak room with the attendant til I found my stuff. She then wouldn't just give it to me, I could be a common thieving robber, so I had to give her more explanation.

"What is the brand of this coat?" she asked. "It's from H&M, I got it on sale, and it still has an old dry cleaning tag stuck to it from when I took it to the cleaners several winters ago."

Nailed it.

"What's in this bag?" she asked.

"Dirty Tupperware!" I declared, triumphantly.

Nailed it again.

I should not be allowed in fancy places.

I guess I thought this was hilarious and amazing and wanted to be sure that I remembered to blog about it, so on the taxi home I sent myself a drunken email that reads as follows:

Coat clog: coat over blazer, coat check lost ticket.bag full of tullerware . 

Also.dont forget apple

So there you have it. My coat clog! And what do I mean about the apple? No freaking clue.

Famous last words: I am seriously never drinking again.

And that was my week! God willing this hangover will subside any minute now. Otherwise I might just end up in the fetal position under my desk listening to the Dream Girls soundtrack and quietly weeping. I don't know if I could blame that on booze, though, that actually sounds like a nice little Friday afternoon right there.

Hoping everyone is in a significantly better state than I am at the moment! Any good plans for the weekend (I'll be sleeping) or stories from the week? Make me laugh, it's Friday!

xoxoxoxo Liz Ho