Another Awkward Week [5.10.13]

Fridaaaay. What up. Guys, I must confess, I seriously fell down on the job this week. Both my fake job documenting my awkward life and my real job publicizing fine literature. It was not my finest week. I made a poor judgement call at work and it created a bit of a shitstorm. It's fixable and on the grand scheme of life, barely a blip - I mean, it's books, not like, a human life or anything, but it created extra work and stress for a lot of my colleagues and had me beating myself up. I hate making mistakes, hate causing tension, hate having other people have to scramble after me. Fortunately my bosses were kind and supportive, and I think we ironed out my hot mess but still: UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Throughout this, people kept reassuring me "It's a learning moment! You'll never make this mistake again!" Which, true. But, blergh. If I wanted to learn, I'd buy a friggin' encyclopedia. I hate that all of life's best lessons are hidden in disasters and errors and heartbreaks and black holes. Why can't we learn and achieve greatness by always just being happy and awesome and never ever messing up?

Real life is the worst.

Anyhoodle, I think it's mostly over and I'm now a brilliant genius full of knowledge and publicist perfection forever and ever the end. But somehow in the midst of all that madness, I realized I'd forgotten to savor the hilarious, delightful moments. I got nothin'!

Forgive me? See you back here next week? Will a picture of Jonn Hamm with a puppy make it better?

hamm_dog_flynet_1109

(via)

What about a photo of a chubby baby with glasses napping on a pile of books?

baby nerd

(via)

Or a link to several spring sangria recipes?

sangria

Hot men and babies and booze make everything better, no?

And how was your week? Cause any disasters? Learn any vital life lessons?Let's kvetch.

Can gentiles use that word? Let's just go with it. Bring on the weekend! Happy Mothers' Day to all you mamacitas out there.

xoxo Liz Ho

One Awkward New Year

Happy New Year, Everyone! I can’t believe it’s finally here. I know what you’re about to say: it’s been here for weeks. Well, broaden your mind, friend, today marks the start of the Chinese New Year, and I am hopping on the dragon bedecked bandwagon.  Our friends in the Far East seem to really have their shit together (minus a few minor human rights infractions, but who’s perfect) so I’m syncing up with their Lunar calendar. This year I’ll be kicking it China style. I love making New Years Resolutions. There is very little that gives me more pleasure than making highly detailed lists of lofty goals for self improvement. Keeping them, ehhhhhh, not so much.For as long as I can remember I’ve had the same two resolutions. I’ve added in a few extras from year to year to keep things fresh but the key items are to stop biting my nails and get on top of my finances. Now, at age 27, my fingers are bloodied stumps and I’m over 80 grand in debt to a variety of nefarious money lenders.

Enough is enough. This year will be different, and not just because I’ll be wearing little beaded rubber slippers and eating my rice with chopsticks. This year, I’m making resolutions I can keep.

  • Catch up on Breaking Bad
  • Finally choose between Ryan Gosling and Jon Hamm (anticipating this is the year one or both of them proposes)
  • Figure out ideal hair color
  • Try one new type of cheese each week
  • Stop texting while crossing the street
  • Go to yoga class at least once
  • Put a bird on it!
  • Wear red pants
  • Try Zumba
  • Learn to correctly spell the following words: alchohol, wierd, Carribbean, embarass
  • Perfect faux British accent

I also asked some of my closest friends and family members for their advice on what they think I should strive for in the new year. I got surprisingly few responses so I do hope the non-participants have included “Pay More Attention to LizHo” on their list of resolutions. Though, the suggestions I did receive make me really concerned for my public image. One friend told me to have an out of wedlock baby (ummm, no), another to stop going to bed before 10 PM (also no) and a third said I should stop walking around with no pants on and also stop talking about fictional characters as though they are my real friends. Sounds like someone’s jealous that Tami Taylor likes me better.

The best answers came from my darling mother who wrote:

Stop biting your nails. Try to relax and not stress over things so much. And work on publishing or writing.  I think you are good and I think you would have an audience. Otherwise, you are perfect..

Perfect! You’re damn right, momma.

No matter what I achieve in 2012 I think I can promise one thing: 一個尷尬的一年.

(That’d be One Awkward Year in my new native tongue, Traditional Chinese.)

Awkward Afternoon Delight: Jon Hammeos

I was talking to my good friend Large Marge last week and she said she thought my blog would be better if it had more photos and/or videos. And then I told her to mind her own beeswax and punched her in the face. Just kidding! I like where her head’s at. So I’ma take that advice. Marge actually inspired my post on serial killers.** Word on the street is, and this is totally just a rumor, you so didn’t hear it from me, but she’s one of those ladies who writes love letters to prisoners on death row and then brings them cakes and marries them through the jailhouse bars and stuff. Don’t tell her I told you, she’s crazy!

Taking her great advice, I’m starting a new feature called Awkward Afternoon Delight. (Maybe it won’t be called this? I was pretty psyched about it but now that I see it typed out I think it looks kinda dumb? Accepting suggestions in the comments or oneawkwardyear@gmail.com, thanksss.) Every afternoon I’ll share tidbits I find on the World Wide Web: awkward videos, photos, links, etc. This is in addition to, not in place of, my own hilarrrious life stories. No need to fret, I’ll never stop talking about myself.

So! Without further ado I present Jon Hammeos (Link from Jezebel, photo from my spank bank):

http://jezebel.com/5808233/the-unadulterated-joy-of-the-jon-hammeo

So I guess this vid isn't that awkward but the uncontrollable moans of ecstasy this video causes me might make some of my co-workers uncomfortable. JK that's both a joke and kind of gross but I did watch the video while trying to eat yogurt with a plastic butter knife so, still awkward!  

** UGH NO comment on the Casey Anthony scandal, my brain has not yet been able to process the web of complex and unnecessary emotions. Yesterday six separate people texted me the second they announced the verdict and today, one of them said “it's kind of weird how whenever I see her I think of you.” Real cool legacy I’m establishing for myself.

One Awkward (or Awcward) List

Yikes! I promised a post/day from now until the end of 2010 (I meant workday, btw, some people have better things to do on their weekends than shit around on the internet. Like watch TV!) and now it's day 2 of that promise and I don't have a new post. Yooops. So I'm just going to give you guys a really super quick internet tutorial on ways to access this blog using a search engine. The list below gathers some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog in the past 7 days:

jason segel

luna lovegood nude

where is the slow clap guy gif from

awkward family photos hamm

rose in titanic naked

worst prom date

donna ainsworth, view my sexy photo and video on my site!

jon hamm teeth

روز في تايتنك

awkward nerd friend

disney chanel guy stars

awkward prom date pictures

"ron livingston"

dex draper nude (dex draper? Dexter + Draper and nude? YES PLEASE VERY MUCH!)

awkward stare gif

jon hamm's sock (change the 's' to a 'c' and we're in business. JUST KIDDING, gross, sorry)

nerd pants tutorial

nerd wedgie

awkward animal hand gestures

disney channel wedgies

breasts train

jon hamm feet

awcward touch downs (I think that's the Canadian spelling?)

nude ladies shower scenes

awkward family photo "nude" suit

hot guy spacesex

posted nude pictures of my prom date

"my mom home alone walking nude''  (this is obviously my favorite. I adore that it's in quotes, allowing no room for error.)

So, there you go! Helpful hints! Looks like you can pretty much just type any random combination of words, so long as one of the words is either 'nude,' 'awkward,' 'awcward,' 'Jon Hamm,' or 'Jon Hamm,' into Google and/or Bing and you will be sent directly to this blog. And if you are one of the readers who found the blog via any of those searches you should DEFINITELY e-mail me - oneawkwardyear@gmail.com.  Especially "my mom home alone walking nude'' or you, Donna Ainsworth. I have some sexy photos and videos I've been meaning to show you on my site!

One Awkward, Accidental, Nonsensical Recap of Last Night's Mad Men Season 4 Finale ***

Whoa, I know this isn't a TV blog but did everyone watch Mad Men last night? Insaaaaaane! And sometimes awkward! This is a Spoiler Alert, and a request: if, in the future, I'm dating a very nice, intelligent doctor lady who's basically cool and wild in the sack, but always busts my balls about "coming clean with my past" and "getting my head out of the sand" and you realize I'm about to go off to DisneyLand with my sexy if horse-mouthed secretary, with whom I've already had an in-office sexual tryst while dating the ball-buster, please try to remind me to dump Dr. LampBreaker before my flight departs cuz you just KNOW that Secretariat (get it? her teeth?!) and I are toooooootes going to b-o-n-e in our swanky LA hotel while my emotionally disturbed, now fluent in French, children sleep right next door, and then I'm probably going to propose to her with the engagement ring once given to my dead BFF by her hubby whose identity I stole after he straight up blew himself to smithereens in a war trench, and it would just be really nice to have the whole breakup with Hot Doctor out of the way ahead of time so I don't have to call her on the telephone after I get back and have the old "Who me? Avoiding you? Never! Let's go to Starbucks, I'm engaged to my secretary and plan on never speaking to you again, so frappuchinos are on me!" conversation. I mean, if Don Draper who does literally everything better than any other man on earth (except marriage, parenting, truth-telling), can barely handle the awkwardness of the situation, just imagine how I'd fare! Horrifying. So thanks, in advance, for helping me through this situation, which I'm sure will definitely happen to me and probably all of us at some point in our lives together. Also, sorry for the spoilers and sorry to all of our billions of readers who don't watch Mad Men. Just kidding, not sorry. That show's the best and you need to reevaluate your life priorities if you're not watching.

Anyway, I did not come here with the intention of recapping Mad Men in one insane run-on sentence, I came on here to write about microwaves. What a surprise! A completely unrelated topic digressed into a rant about Jon Hamm. Let's just go ahead and call it a day, shall we?

* L

*** QUESTION: Would you be interested in seeing us recap Awkward Moments in Television? Yes? No? Answer in the comments!