One Awkward Movie Night

Ooof, Mondays. Amiright? I am still recovering from the weekend, from Thursday night actually. Generally I’m in bed no later than 10 PM on school nights, 10:15 on weekends, but this past Thursday I stayed out past 3 AM! I was just boozing it up, throwing it down, shaking it side to side.  

HA! No. I was in the movie theater for a 12:06 AM showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: The Deathlier Hallows: 2 Deathly, 2 Hallow. It was, hands down, the nerdiest thing I have ever been a part of, and this is coming from someone who spent most college weekends hosting Disney Channel viewing parties. I haven’t been surrounded by so many adult virgins since, well, the most recent Disney Channel viewing party.


Our showing was one of 12, debuting every minute from midnight through 12:11 AM in a giant multiplex near Penn Station. We arrived 2 hours early and the line was already, literally, around the block. One fullManhattancity block lined with geeks. Girls as early-years Hermione, in kilts and sweaters, nearly everyone with penned-on lightning bolt scars and/or wands. A group carrying swiffers in lieu of brooms. There was a girl with gold wings, presumably dressed as the snitch, and a surprising number of otherwise “normal” looking 20-something guys in what appeared to be very expensive, or expertly hand-made regulation Gryffindor quidditch uniforms. To those gentlemen: call me. There was a group of about a dozen young women with neon yellow hoodies screen printed especially for the occasion with the movie’s title and the date on the front and special nicknames on the back. There was a kid dressed like He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (Voldemort) in black robes and terrifying white face paint. There were a number of Luna Lovegoods, but none of them were nude. A rare missed opportunity on my end.


If it sounds like I’m making fun of these people, oh, I definitely am. But, like that closeted, neckless bully rags on Kurt in Glee, I tease because of true love, and jealousy. I should have dressed up! A regret I’ll take to my grave, I’m sure. Bury me in my nude suit with a long blonde wig, please.


The theater was filled with an air of camaraderie as we all shrieked at the romantic parts and gasped at the scary parts and She Who Shall Not Be Named (me) sobbed, audibly and dramatically for a full hour, wiping her snotty face with a coffee-stained paper towel. It was perfection.


It was not, surprisingly, the most energetic or the most awkward movie crowd I’ve ever been a part of. I admit, with much shame, that I once went to an opening week showing of one of the Twilight movies, I can’t remember which one.  Maybe the second one? There was a fight on a mountain with a red-headed vampire? She died. Spoiler alert! Lord (Voldemort) knows why I went to this film, I must have been out of wine at home or something. I’ve made my opinions on the Twilight series verrry clear to anyone who will listen, but for those of you who’ve not yet heard my review, allow me to summarize it for you in one word: TERRIBLE. And now, in two words: VERY TERRIBLE.  Bad writing, bad characters, bad plots, bad dialogue, bad romance, bad, bad, bad. Bad! And don’t bother just reading ahead to the fourth book in hopes of a good sex scene because, spoiler alert again, NOTHING HAPPENS. (Or so I hear, anyway. Not like I did that or anything. What a pervy move that would be ha, ha, ha awkward laughter…backs slowly out of the room…)


So while it may sound nerdy and awkward to be in a room full of people dressed in wizard costumes, imagine being in a room full of grown-ass women, we’re talking like 40+, we're talking like this lady:

wearing Team Whatever t-shirts, shrieking, practically panting with lust and weeping with joy every time some 16-year-old warewolf rips off his jorts or creeps into his girlfriend’s bedroom in the middle of the night or whatever happens in that movie. That, my friends, is awkward.


Actually that’s also probably how my Nude Luna friends react when watching HP movies but for the point of this argument let’s just say: Potter fans are losers, but we could be much worse!


As we walked home up 8th Avenue in Midtown Manhattan at 3:00 in the morning the usually busy city streets were quiet. Our route took us past bars and sex shops and The Saddest Place On Earth, the Port Authority Bus Terminal and barely anyone was out, save some drunk revelers stumbling out of bars, some homeless people, and groups of midnight moviegoers, all in their finest Harry Potter gear. It was a veryNew York sort of night and, it actually felt, forgive me for going all Carrie Bradshaw on you, god this is so cheesy, a tiny bit magical.



One Awkward Nude

Hi! How did you find this blog? Did you find me on facebook? Did I send you the link in a personal e-mail and then stand over your computer, watching you read, pointing out all of my favorite jokes that I wrote myself? Or did you stumble upon me by typing a word or phrase into your favorite search engine? Were you, perhaps, trying to view this young lady in the altogether?

WHAT is wrong with you?!!!, the fine host of your favorite weblog, has this tracker counter thinger that keeps track of the words and phrases people searched online that led them to this blog. In the yearish since I’ve been in operation, the #1 phrase on this list is not “awkward” or even “awkward year” or “people with restraining orders against Jon Hamm” but “Luna Lovegood Nude.”


Luna Lovegood, for all you nerds out there who don’t already have tix to the 12:06 AM showing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Round Deux, is a very flighty, sort of ethereal, avant-garde little wizard who, by nature of her friendship with Harry Potter is, by all accounts, fictional. She is also, as evidenced by the photo above, a child.

Somehow, and I truly and honestly and litttrally can think of no good reason why, my blog has become a popular destination for pervmasters hoping to see this imaginary little lady naked. In addition to the phrase mentioned above, people have searched:“Luna Lovegood tits,” “Luna Lovegood + naked,” “Luna Lovegood trousers,” (that one’s a little classier, I guess?), “Luna Lovegood in the nud” (good spelling!) and“Fucking Luna Lovegood.” Yiiikes! I even have an international following, including at least one Hungarian creepster who searched both “Luna Lovegood meztelen” – which means naked – and “Luna Lovegood szex képek” –which I haven’t fully translated, for fear of what might show up on my work internet browser, but I’m pretty sure means sex tape. But this guy’s no match for my German reader(s), who have made “Luna Lovegood nackt” the fifth most popular search term. Heißen Sie willkommen zu meinem Blog!!!

I do realize that now by writing LUNA LOVEGOOD NUDE in this post 85 hundred times, I’m probably making my blog even more popular to these readers which I should be worried about but hey, all publicity is good publicity, right? (Right???) I’m just so sorry I can’t give them what they’re looking for. I guess they’ll have to settle for this:

Hummina HUMMINA!! Your move, Weasley!

One Awkward Identity Crisis

You Guys! I'm seriously confused! Yesterday I took two different "Which Harry Potter Character Are You?" Quizzes and both came out cleanly as Harry. But that didn't feel right. I couldn't accept it! So today, desperate for answers, I tried again, only to find myself more lost than ever. The first test was inconclusive - telling me I'm either Luna Lovegood or Albus Dumbledore which makes NO sense becaue those two characters could NOT be more different and also (ALSO!) Dumbledore is dead (NEVER FORGET!) so, WTF,, you make no sense. So then I obviously had to take ANOTHER quiz and this time it told me I was Hermione, which like Yay!/Yay? because on one hand she's the best but on the other hand she's the total worst. And maybe I should have just listened to the original results, you know? I mean, Harry's the hero, that should make me happy. But somehow...I feel adrift. WHO AM I?

(And if you're thinking "Well, Liz, you're a real, adult human being who just spent the last 5 hours of her day trying to determine which fictional wizard character most represents her own personality and you should probably get a life and/or do your job, well you can just suck it and get off my blog.)

Happy Friday, Everyone! Accio Weekend!