Another Awkward Week [10.26.12]

Happy Friday, my fine friends! How was your week? Mine was jam-packed and busy. I still don't know what I'll be slash do for Halloween this weekend, a fact that is stressing me out more than it should. I always win so hard at this holiday, how am I dropping the ball?? Luckily, today we have our corporate sponsored boozy costume party, which should be a raging success and hopefully ease my own personal failure. I can't tell you what my work costume is yet but it does involve one of those inflatable donut shaped pillows that people sit on to soak their hemorrhoids in the tub. Pretttty sexy!

Without further ado, here's what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Bakery 

Which I'm assuming sells tarts but might want to reconsider their font. (Sidenote: Once Upon a Fart is so the title of my memoir.)

This Graph

Polls are getting definitively penis shaped out in Ohio...

(From this article - I try to keep up with politics & all I can do is snicker and make wiener jokes. A true patriot.)

These CD's 

Because this week, much to my chagrin, I developed a debilitating Taylor Swift addiction. I find her so obnoxious but her music is so infectious and catchy and perfect and amazing. I think she might be a robot or an alien using sassy country pop revenge music to subdue us before her species comes and takes over the earth.

My new assistant purchased her new CD & burnt it for me, including track listings with her personal commentary (She finds Track 7 to be "meh" but at track 5 writes "I get goosebumps at 3:25, so sue me.") You guys, I think we picked a winner here!

This Corporate Slogan 

Because, ew, congrats?? I guess it's great to be the best at whatever you do. Also the fact that this sign was posted inside a porta-john in the median of a busy Brooklyn thoroughfare and is probably for construction worker use only but sometimes you've been at the park all day and you just really have to go and don't think you can make it home and it's not that gross, guys, they are #1 at picking up #2, so...yeah.

And that's my week in review! How was yours? Have a happy & safe Halloween if you celebrate it this weekend. Stay hydrated! Don't take homemade candies, they're filled with needles. And if you DO wear a pleather sailor girl outfit, I don't want to know.

xoxo Liz

One Cleverly Sexy Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner! Just a few short weeks to finalize that perfect costume. For many of my ladyfriends, Halloween means one thing, and one thing alone: Slut Time. As Tina Fey so elegantly put forth in "Mean Girls": “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

Well, this girl has a few things to say about it. Each year as I witness parades of Slutty Cats and Slutty Police Women, Slutty Cinderellas, Flight Attendants, Taxi Drivers, Cookie Monsters, et al, my blood begins to boil. Seriously, gals? This is what we’re wearing? Great.

But WAIT! Before you get up in arms about a Woman’s Right to Skank It Up allow me to clarify: I agree!  I’ve worn little more than flesh-toned lycra and rhinestones the past two Halloweens, I am all aboard the Skank Train. It’s not the lack of clothes that bothers me, it’s the lack of creativity. Every year costume companies sell the same pre-packaged, uninspired, occasionally ridiculous costumes and we’ve reached a point where most of these sexy costumes are expected, unsurprising, boring and just lazy. As a Halloween Obsessive, I can not allow this to continue!

Halloween is the one time a year to bust out the big guns, to stand out, and the best you can come up with is a pre-packaged, pleather French Maid outfit?  I am sorry, no. First of all, snooze. Secondably, I have been to France (#humblebrag) and I’m quite positive that no maids dress like that and finally, I guarantee you’ll see at least 15 more ladies sporting the same get-up while out on the prowl for some tricks -n- treats. Would you be happy if you showed up at a party and 30% of the other guests were wearing the same outfit as you? Probably not. So why settle for same-ness on THIS of all nights?!

Now, I understand that the pressure to come up with a fab costume might cause some to panic and head right for the Hottie aisle at the nearest Ricky’s, so allow me, a self-proclaimed expert on creative skankery, to help you out. Here are a few simple yet out of the box ways you can show off your box this coming All Hallows Eve:

1. Sexy Sriracha Tiny red tank with the sriracha rooster logo, red booty shorts, red eff-me heels and pointy green cap. Spicy!

2. Sexy Hipster Wedding Wear a birdcage veil, an old-timey tweed vest with nothing underneath, ruffly little shorts, and cowboy boots. Carry a mustache on a stick & a mason jar and you’ll be looking at a Best Man/Maid of Honor style one night stand faster than you can say ‘I Do.”

3. Sexy Christmas Tree Green mini dress. Loads of tinsel. A star on top. You’ll look as easy as this one was to put together!

4. Sexy Lighthouse This one takes a little more work, but the payoff would be great. Either get a tinsy striped dress OR if you’re feeling bold, wrap yourself in nothing but ribbons. Make a little hat out of...something, I don’t make these, I just dream them up, and stick a flashlight or one of those little battery operated push lights inside. Voila! Land Ho indeed!

5. Sexy Double Rainbow A pairs costume! Grab a friend, two matching rainbow striped dresses, rainbow knee socks & make a cloud hat.  Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it’s a double rainbowww!

6. Sexy Downton Abbey A fun group idea! If you simply can not part with that Dirty Maid outfit, round out your theme by gathering a group to defile Masterpiece Cinema’s Hottest Period Drama, Downton Abbey. Think big hats, clean white gloves, parasols ...and lingerie. Add some maids, a few men in shirtless tuxedos and you’re looking at the Crawleys Gone Wild.

7. Sexy Mona Lisa On top, a work of art. On the bottom, a total tart! (Sorry, sorry, I know!) Make like this clever gal and frame your face, either with a homemade frame or something cheap from the store. Drape your top half in something cloak like & maintain a serene expression, but below the frame: hot pants and fishnets!

8. Sexy Olympic Torch I’m imagining London 2012 will inspire many a costume this year, so why not skank up the Games’ official and literally hottest symbol: the torch. This year’s torch was gold, shiny (and hello! hand delivered by Becks) and is so beyond easy to recreate. Gold lame mini-dress, tissue paper flames and a gold medal for good measure. McKayla will be impressed.

Those are just a few ideas, there’s a whole world of creative partial nudity out there if you just put your mind to it. Before you walk into a Ricky’s or a Party City, take a look around and ask yourself “is there anything out there I can recreate using little more than a bikini, some construction paper, Elmer’s Glue and thigh-highs?” The answer will almost always be “Hell yes.” With my help and some inspired thinking, I promise this Halloween you can be slutty, oh, so, so slutty, but never ever boring.

Trick or Treat, everyone!