One Lazy Halloween

Boo! Halloween is right around the corner, folks. Are you ready? I am...NOT. After so many years of dominating the scene in my nude suit, I just haven't been able to muster up a lot of enthusiasm for old Fright Night. I might end up staying in, eating candy and watching television, like I do most every other night, but if I do end up Trick or Treating I'm going to have to scramble, and fast, to come up with a sweet 'stume.

I figured I can't be the only last minute lazy bones out there, so wanted to offer up a few creative ideas for costumes that you can throw together at a moment's notice, with very little energy expended. Or if you're still looking for a way to get sexy without being dull, do consult last year's list of creatively slutty costume suggestions!

Feel free to borrow any of these fantastic ideas... or share your own! And if you're considering black face, might I suggest consulting this website first:  http://shouldidressinblackfacethishalloween.com/.

Let's do this!

LIZ HO'S GUIDE TO HALLOWEEN FOR LAZY PEOPLE

Skeleton:

(via Pinterest) 

This is a classic from the Maggie HoBags playbook. Black pants, black t-shirt, "skeleton" made of masking tape. Boom.

Yankee Candle:

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Wear a colored t-shirt, print out an image label via Google Images or just rip the sticker right off your favorite candle. Attach a pipe cleaner or piece of string to your head. People miiiight try to light you on fire, but that's a risk you'll need to be willing to take.

Junk Mail:

(via the wikipedia page for "junk mail" which is a fascinating read!)

Just tape all of your junk mail to your body. Easier than opening a New Pre-Approved VIP Credit Card!

Similarly, yet slightly more creatively....

Pinterest:

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Just print out pictures of stuff you love, intricate first birthday cakes, workout inspiration and other nonsense and stick to your bod. Extra points if you include the Pinterest logo.

Dogwalker:

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Pretty self explanatory: Kidnap a bunch of puppies and walk them on leashes. Return all but the very cutest one at the end of the night!

Miley Cyrus in Wrecking Ball:

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All sorts of idiots are apparently paying actual American dollars for this hideous monstrosity...take it one step further, for cheaper, by just stepping out in your underbusiness while carrying construction tools.  Easy AND "sexy." Good job!

Your Garbage Can:

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Cover your body in double sided tape, dump your garbage can over your head and see what sticks. Pee-yew.

Leftovers:

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Wrap yourself in tin foil. THE END.

Yard Sale:

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Take all of your unwanted belongings to a bar/party, set them on display with a sign reading Yard Sale. Then sell them to other party goers for money and/or candy.  Have a festive evening and make money while unloading unwanted items? Win and win.

Taylor Swift:

t swizz

I will sell you this wig and HAND MADE glittery pink guitar for $4 plus overnight shipping.

Office Tooth Brusher:

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The SCARIEST costume ever. Wear business casual and carry your tooth brush and toothpaste. I'm shuddering already just thinking about it!

Streaker:

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Literally streak around your neighborhood during trick-or-treat time. There is a 150 million percent chance you will get arrested but isn't Halloween the time for a new adventure?

Kim Kardashian's Engagement Ring:

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This one does take some time: darken the lights in your room, put on your sexiest white thong body suit and highest Louboutins, light one million candles and spritz the room with a liberal does of Glam, the Kim Kardashian eau de cologne. Then meditate on fame for three solid hours, taking breaks every 15 minutes to splash your face with Dom Perignon. If you do it right, you will then magically calcify into a 15-karat diamond. True fact!

It should wear off after about 24 hours but you might consider setting your affairs in order beforehand, just in case.

Liz Ho:

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Who doesn't want to dress as their favorite blogger for Halloween? Oh, everyone? Fair enough! If you change your mind, just toss on some jeggings, a cardigan and a v-neck shirt. Drink all the wine you see and spill 42% of it on yourself. Done and done.

Bonus: make it a couple's costume by having your partner dress in a JCrew checked button down and dress as Liz and Brian AKA the Will & Kate of Brooklyn.

Hahaha NO.

Annnnd I think that's enough ideas for now. I trust y'all can come up with more great ones on your own. Happy Halloween, friends! Send me all your Kit Kats!

xooxo Liz

 

Some Hump Day Musings

Goood morning, my fine friends. I don't know why I just allowed myself to use the phrase "Hump Day" in place of Wednesday. I hate that stupid term. Just call it Wednesday! It's not cute. Anyway, we're not even halfway to the weekend yet (holding out til the clock strikes noon!) and if you're anything like me, you're looking for some midweek distractions. Also, if you're anything like me: lord help you.

So, in the humpday spirit (ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh), here are just a few things boppin' around my brain lately that I felt the (unnecessary) need to share, complete with some prettttty solid random stock imagery. This post might change your life! Butttt it probably won't.

1. I know I'm always late to the kool tunez party and say what you will about Miley Cyrus as a human being (preferably say nothing, actually!) but I just heard Wrecking Ball (finally! I know!) and that song is a J-A-M: JAM.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My2FRPA3Gf8]

You do you, Miley! But maybe with a shirt on? Just a thought! xo

Other music I can't stop listening to: Katy Perry's Roar,  this song by that Avicii person who is apparently popular with the youths and Lady Antebellum's entire oeuvre, including their Christmas album because pop country holiday is my new favorite musical genre? Sure why not.

2. I've decided on what is the officially worst thing in the world. It is when you get all nice and snuggly in your bed...and then realize you kind of have to pee. And you must decide which is worse: getting out from under the covers and

braving the cold bathroom, or just peeing your bed and living with the consequences. Talk about a Sophie's Choice, am I right?

(I have never read that book.)

tooth brushing

3. How do you guys feel about toothbrushing in the office? I give it two thumbs way, way, WAY down. It disgusts me wholeheartedly. It is such an intimate and personal activity, to me - the scrubbing, the flying germ particles...THE SPITTING. Oh, the spitting is the worst part. I just do not condone spitting your grotesque mouth contents in a shared restroom, where other people can see you and then have to wash their hands over the same sink. I applaud the effort towards good oral hygiene but I think that 2 times a day, at your own home, is juuust fine. And if you have a halitosis issue, try tic tacs, gum, those weird strips you put on your tongue or even see a dentist. Please do not brush your teeth in the office.

Anyone with me?!

4. My friend Amy just shared this amazing quiz with me: Are You A Walking Disaster? 

The first time I took it I got "Yes, you are a walking disaster!" but think I may have exaggerated a bit, because Amy only came up as a moderate disaster and just last week I had the honor of watching her fall face-first into a field during a bonfire so I'm pretty sure I can't be that much more disastrous than she is. So I re-tried and came back just Moderate. PHEW.

What are you? This is really important stuff, you guys.

PS: while you're at Buzzfeed, might I suggest: This Post, or This One, Also THIS LIST and, if you're feeling brave: this one. 

PSS: love you, Amy!!!

5. And while we're on the subject of quizzes, I also took this one from Time.com: Which State Matches Your Personality? 

I got Illinois! Apparently The I-Nois (what?) is chock-full of extroverted, friendly neurotics. Sounds AMAZING! Also, my brother lives there! Hi, Mikey-boy, I'm movin' in!

What state are you? What a weird quiz!

PS: I can't link to any other articles at Time.com because I'm the worst and think pugs in Halloween costumes > world affairs, bigtime.

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6. And finally, because I know you were curious, the photo above is what my landlady is rocking this Hallowe'en. (Does anyone still spell it like that? It kind of weirds me out.)

Let the holiday season begin!

And that's that! Happy WEDNESDAY, pals!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [10.26.12]

Happy Friday, my fine friends! How was your week? Mine was jam-packed and busy. I still don't know what I'll be slash do for Halloween this weekend, a fact that is stressing me out more than it should. I always win so hard at this holiday, how am I dropping the ball?? Luckily, today we have our corporate sponsored boozy costume party, which should be a raging success and hopefully ease my own personal failure. I can't tell you what my work costume is yet but it does involve one of those inflatable donut shaped pillows that people sit on to soak their hemorrhoids in the tub. Pretttty sexy!

Without further ado, here's what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Bakery 

Which I'm assuming sells tarts but might want to reconsider their font. (Sidenote: Once Upon a Fart is so the title of my memoir.)

This Graph

Polls are getting definitively penis shaped out in Ohio...

(From this article - I try to keep up with politics & all I can do is snicker and make wiener jokes. A true patriot.)

These CD's 

Because this week, much to my chagrin, I developed a debilitating Taylor Swift addiction. I find her so obnoxious but her music is so infectious and catchy and perfect and amazing. I think she might be a robot or an alien using sassy country pop revenge music to subdue us before her species comes and takes over the earth.

My new assistant purchased her new CD & burnt it for me, including track listings with her personal commentary (She finds Track 7 to be "meh" but at track 5 writes "I get goosebumps at 3:25, so sue me.") You guys, I think we picked a winner here!

This Corporate Slogan 

Because, ew, congrats?? I guess it's great to be the best at whatever you do. Also the fact that this sign was posted inside a porta-john in the median of a busy Brooklyn thoroughfare and is probably for construction worker use only but sometimes you've been at the park all day and you just really have to go and don't think you can make it home and it's not that gross, guys, they are #1 at picking up #2, so...yeah.

And that's my week in review! How was yours? Have a happy & safe Halloween if you celebrate it this weekend. Stay hydrated! Don't take homemade candies, they're filled with needles. And if you DO wear a pleather sailor girl outfit, I don't want to know.

xoxo Liz

One Cleverly Sexy Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner! Just a few short weeks to finalize that perfect costume. For many of my ladyfriends, Halloween means one thing, and one thing alone: Slut Time. As Tina Fey so elegantly put forth in "Mean Girls": “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

Well, this girl has a few things to say about it. Each year as I witness parades of Slutty Cats and Slutty Police Women, Slutty Cinderellas, Flight Attendants, Taxi Drivers, Cookie Monsters, et al, my blood begins to boil. Seriously, gals? This is what we’re wearing? Great.

But WAIT! Before you get up in arms about a Woman’s Right to Skank It Up allow me to clarify: I agree!  I’ve worn little more than flesh-toned lycra and rhinestones the past two Halloweens, I am all aboard the Skank Train. It’s not the lack of clothes that bothers me, it’s the lack of creativity. Every year costume companies sell the same pre-packaged, uninspired, occasionally ridiculous costumes and we’ve reached a point where most of these sexy costumes are expected, unsurprising, boring and just lazy. As a Halloween Obsessive, I can not allow this to continue!

Halloween is the one time a year to bust out the big guns, to stand out, and the best you can come up with is a pre-packaged, pleather French Maid outfit?  I am sorry, no. First of all, snooze. Secondably, I have been to France (#humblebrag) and I’m quite positive that no maids dress like that and finally, I guarantee you’ll see at least 15 more ladies sporting the same get-up while out on the prowl for some tricks -n- treats. Would you be happy if you showed up at a party and 30% of the other guests were wearing the same outfit as you? Probably not. So why settle for same-ness on THIS of all nights?!

Now, I understand that the pressure to come up with a fab costume might cause some to panic and head right for the Hottie aisle at the nearest Ricky’s, so allow me, a self-proclaimed expert on creative skankery, to help you out. Here are a few simple yet out of the box ways you can show off your box this coming All Hallows Eve:

1. Sexy Sriracha Tiny red tank with the sriracha rooster logo, red booty shorts, red eff-me heels and pointy green cap. Spicy!

2. Sexy Hipster Wedding Wear a birdcage veil, an old-timey tweed vest with nothing underneath, ruffly little shorts, and cowboy boots. Carry a mustache on a stick & a mason jar and you’ll be looking at a Best Man/Maid of Honor style one night stand faster than you can say ‘I Do.”

3. Sexy Christmas Tree Green mini dress. Loads of tinsel. A star on top. You’ll look as easy as this one was to put together!

4. Sexy Lighthouse This one takes a little more work, but the payoff would be great. Either get a tinsy striped dress OR if you’re feeling bold, wrap yourself in nothing but ribbons. Make a little hat out of...something, I don’t make these, I just dream them up, and stick a flashlight or one of those little battery operated push lights inside. Voila! Land Ho indeed!

5. Sexy Double Rainbow A pairs costume! Grab a friend, two matching rainbow striped dresses, rainbow knee socks & make a cloud hat.  Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it’s a double rainbowww!

6. Sexy Downton Abbey A fun group idea! If you simply can not part with that Dirty Maid outfit, round out your theme by gathering a group to defile Masterpiece Cinema’s Hottest Period Drama, Downton Abbey. Think big hats, clean white gloves, parasols ...and lingerie. Add some maids, a few men in shirtless tuxedos and you’re looking at the Crawleys Gone Wild.

7. Sexy Mona Lisa On top, a work of art. On the bottom, a total tart! (Sorry, sorry, I know!) Make like this clever gal and frame your face, either with a homemade frame or something cheap from the store. Drape your top half in something cloak like & maintain a serene expression, but below the frame: hot pants and fishnets!

8. Sexy Olympic Torch I’m imagining London 2012 will inspire many a costume this year, so why not skank up the Games’ official and literally hottest symbol: the torch. This year’s torch was gold, shiny (and hello! hand delivered by Becks) and is so beyond easy to recreate. Gold lame mini-dress, tissue paper flames and a gold medal for good measure. McKayla will be impressed.

Those are just a few ideas, there’s a whole world of creative partial nudity out there if you just put your mind to it. Before you walk into a Ricky’s or a Party City, take a look around and ask yourself “is there anything out there I can recreate using little more than a bikini, some construction paper, Elmer’s Glue and thigh-highs?” The answer will almost always be “Hell yes.” With my help and some inspired thinking, I promise this Halloween you can be slutty, oh, so, so slutty, but never ever boring.

Trick or Treat, everyone!