Another Awkward Week [5.3.13]

Good morning, y'all! I caught up on a lot of Nashville last night, so I'm feeling especially twangy this morning. I'm also up before the sun, because the early bird gets the worm! But worms are gross, so I'm going back to bed. Blergh, I wish. I'm in the office way sooner than I'd like to be to tackle some serious werk, but I have a golden light ahead:  I'm leaving at 1 PM this afternoon to catch a  bus down to DC to visit some pals. Hoorah! I am tres excited for a little weekend get away.

I'm also really sorry I used the word "tres."

Forgive me?

It's too early, y'all. Let's see what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Shirtsleeve:

20130502_122243

This weeks' addition to the What Is Liz Spilling On Herself Now files. Trying to carry a cup of water from the office kitchen while my hands were full, I put the cup in the crook of my arm, started walking, and promptly tipped the whole thing all over myself.

Soaked.

Awesome.

Use two hands kids. Or just one hand. Elbows are not the best for carrying things. The more you know!

This Tupperware:

20130502_212825

I always pack my lunch and lots of rando snacks and end up lugging bags and bags and bags of tupperware with me, everywhere I go. Earlier this week I was shopping in Soho (ok, it was in an Old Navy, but it was in Soho, so, ho, it counts). I had something to return and of course it was in the very bottom of my tote bag, underneath a solid layer of dirty plastic containers, so in order to present it to the clerk, I had to dig throught my gross old lunch dishes like a hoarder. You should have seen the look on the checkout gal's face when I lined up all of my tupperware on her counter one by one by one before handing her my return item and then throwing them all back in the bag.

#classy

Related: Old Navy is having some serious sales in-store and online and their spring line is pretttttty OK you guys. This is not a sponsored post, because again, I'm not that bigshot, I just really like Old Navy and want to share my joy with the world. Only the fanciest brands over here!

Women be shoppin!

Also somewhat tangentially related (can you tell I'm writing this pre caffeine?):

This Egg:

20130503_070653

Or one of many like it. I've been eating a lot of hard boiled eggs lately because they are easy and good and cheap and relatively healthy and my body seems to be able to digest them. I bring them to work and mix up with half an avocado and salt and pepper. It looks and sounds pretttty gross but trust me, it is delicious.

A few things about this. 1) Hardboiled eggs are extremely difficult to peel. Does anyone reading have a trick? I've tried running them under cold water as I peel (which just leaves me with a mess in the sink) and boiling with oil in the water (which just makes them slimy) but I still end up spending forever scraping off tiny little shell pieces and wasting half the egg in the process.

Tips? I'd love 'em.

Meanwhile, thing 2) I found myself on the same kitchen schedule as our office manager, every day I'd be in the tiny kitchen, in the midst of mutilating my breakfast, and she'd walk in to refresh her coffee or get a snack or whatever and just kind of give me the side eye as I made a big 'ol mess. The other morning she walked in, did her thing, and on the way out just said "You sure eat a lot of eggs."

Um, yes?

Ah! That is just one of those open ended declarative sentences like "you got a haircut" that I hate!! Like, I am noticing your behavior/appearance enough to point it out but I'm not going to share any follow up constructive criticism or information, I'm just  going to call attention to whatever it is you have going on and then walk away and leave you standing there wondering what I meant by my cryptic comment.

Do I need to worry less about what other people think about me? Probably.

Do I need to eat less eggs? Perhaps. Perhaps.

This Tableau:

IMG_20130427_112647

So. Last week's stuffy headedness (real word) has only gotten worse. I woke up Saturday morning with a severe, wet, chesty cough & congested nose and the whole 9 and recognized the symptoms of a sinus infection right away. Not to brag or anything, but I've had a lot of sinus infections in my lifetime, so I know the signs when I see 'em. In the past, whenever this trauma has befallen me, I've rushed to the doctors, been prescribed an antibiotic, and been cured faster than you can say post nasal drip. So! When I woke up Saturday with clear signs of the plague a mild sinus infection, I quickly looked up a nearby walk-in clinic and hoofed it over there.

The clinic was clean and quick and efficient. I waited about ten minutes before being whisked into an exam room where a doctor looked in my ears, at my throat, listened to me breathe and told me to go buy some DayQuil.

Ughhhh. Apparently it is no longer popular within the medical community to prescribe antibiotics for sinus infections, instead they encourage patients to just ride it out. Just riiiiide it out. Just surf on a wave of phlegm until they either get well or die. Which, I guess is fine? I mean, I know that overprescription of antibiotics is an issue her in 'Murica and I'm all about the natural homeopathic stuffs but I feel like the meds have always worked for me in the past! And now they won't give me my drugs! And I feel horrible, still!

Plus, after all of that - those four minutes wherein a man condescendingly told me to go to CVS and stop being such a baby, I went to check out and was slammed with a $50 co-pay. FIFTY DOLLARS! For that! I actually made the receptionist spell it out for me, I couldn't believe him. It turns out the walk in clinic was actually an urgent care facility which I guess I knew? I mean, I knew, but I didn't know what that meant. I just thought it meant like, I urgently want to stop coughing, heal me, miracle workers. But under my medical plan, urgent care appointments, which I suppose should be saved for actual near-death ailments, run $50 a pop. 50! that's half of 100! For four minutes of medical care!!! WOOF.

I know I lean kind of hard into the messier areas of my life, because they're the funniest, but I mean, on the big things, I am actually slightly more together than I allow myself to realize. I have a job. An apartment. A fancy winter coat. But one thing I really and truly do not understand or even try to fathom, is health insurance. When I got my job six years ago, I just emailed all the options to my mom and signed up for whatever she told me to. I don't know how much I'm paying, what I'm getting, I don't know what a deductible is, I pay 50 bucks for pointless appointments and the only reason is sheer laziness. I just don't make it a point to figure out. This is ... not great. I probably should hop up on that, lest I find myself in even sticker situations than this. But I don't wanntttt to! I think that's the real issue with the American health care system. They make everything so freaking complicated that everyone's either too stupid or too lazy to figure out and then they just pay millions of dollars.

GRRRRRRRRRRR. I'm mad!

Oh well. Can't win 'em all. After my appointment, I walked home through the park and decided to sit and enjoy the sun. I ended up falling asleep face down on top of my coat, like a homeless person, and scored a wicked sunburn on the back of my neck. Sexay!

Oh, also! Duh, explain the photo. While I sat in the waiting room, I was reading this book (3 out of 5 stars) about a serial killer nurse who killed dozens, maybe hundreds, of patients over the course of a few years. NOT the best doctors' office reading, my friends. I kept looking around suspiciously, trying to determine which, of any, of the staffers in the clinic was most likely to murder me. Luckily, no one did. But still! Maybe don't read books about killer nurses while on an exam table. Just...don't.

Related...

This Neti Pot:

20130503_072057

Are you guys into Neti Pots? They're all the rage in the allergy community. I was into it for a while but stopped after a few people died from brain microbes after neti potting with contaminated water. I got back in the trend this week, in hopes it might help with this latest ailment. A trusted source informed me that if I boiled my tap water before pouring it in my face, it would be uncontaminated and non deadly. So I've been doing that for a week or so and was feeling totally calm and relaxed until last night, when Brian casually mentioned he thought you needed to boil water for at least an hour before it is clean. I'd only been boiling for like five seconds! I'd just put water in the teapot and when it whistled, I'd turn off the heat, let it cool, and neti it it up. So OF COURSE this new scientific information sent me on a wild internet anxiety spiral.

My current google search history:

Neti pot deaths

Boiled water and neti pots, how long

Decontaminating water by boiling

Desanitizing neti pots

neti pots + dead

Brain microbes, neti pots

Symptoms of brain microbes

Someone come over here and rip this computer out of my panicked hands!!

Luckily, from what I'm reading on the web, you really only need to heat your water for 3 - 5 minutes, so I should be fine. Probably. Maybe? AAAAH!

These Ensembles:

polka dots

Ok, so this is not a fashion blog and never will be, lord knows the internet has enough of those, but I did something super dorky this week and just had to share. On Monday I got dressed in a new polka dotted top and was thinking about how I had another outfit in mind for later in the week that also involved dots and decided that I'd wear polka dots every single day this week. And so I did! (It might be hard to tell in that masterpiece of a collage I made with the help of Paintshop, but trust me. ) No one noticed, except me, but I thought it was so fun. And it helped me think about different outfits instead of my usual black skinny pants + cardigan getup. Important life issues I'm dealing with over here.

I've decided I'm going to have a sartorial theme every week. It's fun! A confessed to a friend of mine and she said it was "very spirit week." Which, yeah! Some people live every day like it's shark week. I live every day like it's spirit week.

I just think the adult world would be a lot better with more pep rallies, is all I'm saying.

Aaand that was my week. How was yours?! Do tell!

xoxo Liz Ho

One Awkward Social Network

Are you guys on Google+ yet? I am. Jealous? You should be. If you’re unsure of what Google+ is well, you need to crawl out from that rock you live under and get wid it. Haha JK. No one knows what Google+ is. And, actually, good on you for the living under a rock thing. I pay 8 billion dollars a month to live in an apartment with plywood floors and a mouse problem so you may be onto something. Anyhoodle, Google+ is, as far as I can tell, a new social media platform run by…wait for it…Google, which will allegedly will take the place of facebook and streamline and blah blah internet revolutionize hashtag communicate etcetera etcetera etcetera. There’s been a lot of buzz on the internet, I guess, mostly just people on facebook talking about the new facebook which, whoa, my brain. They debuted the system last week or the week before or god knows when with some ‘invitation only’ thing, but it has now made its way down the food chain to good ol Hobags, at which point I think it now becomes obsolete. Despite being a smart young person who works in the communications field and thrives on any form of attention, I can’t figure out this whole social media thing. I actually recently learned after years of hilarious jokes that I am, in fact, 1/8 Amish (!!!!) so I guess I blame my heritage?

It’s just too much! Facebook, I can do. But barely! Every week they change something or put up new features and everyone does Farmville and oh my cataracts! Except old people jokes don’t even apply here because old people can do The Facebook better than I can.  I had a MySpace in college but I only joined that because I found out that this guy I was making out with’s ex-girlfriend had a MySpace and the only way I could see what she was all about was to get my own MySpace so yeah, that happened. Not my finest moment. I started a Twitter account, which was fun for a hot sec, but then I got involved with all sorts of work contacts and just didn’t know what to twit. Er, tweet. I could tweet “professionally” but that seemed both boring and pretentious or I could tweet “personally” but I don’t think my work contacts need to know what really goes on in my brain. So then I had TWO Twitter accounts, one for book shit and one exclusively for boner jokes. Why did the boner cross the road? To get to the other side! Ugh. Both of those accounts quickly fell into disrepair. (On that note, I have now updated my “personal” Twitter! Click the T icon at the top of this page or follow @awkwardliz for a good time. Please?). And I don’t think we need to get into the online dating scene, we all remember how well that went. On top of all of this, my company instituted a corporate networking site, which I think really takes the fun out of the internet if you ask me, where we can get on the web and chat it up about radio shows or book covers or whatever it is that goes on around here. I lost my password. I do expect my employee of the month badge to be arriving any moment.

And here we are. Google+. Another opportunity for me to fail at the internet. This afternoon I decided to give it a go and, just as a test (!) uploaded a link to a recipe I recently made. I thought it would just go on my feed or my page or whatever but it seems, instead, that I e-mailed my entire g-mail inbox with the following message:

"Hey everyone! Look at this salad I recently made for myself and then tell me how jealous you are!"

Charmed, I’m sure. I should consider myself lucky it was just about salad and not like, my favorite lubricants or something (KY warming jelly!) (Just kidding I have never tried that it creeps me out!) (Has anyone tried it and if so please report back in the comments now I am curious?) (AAH shut it down!), but I don’t know who received this e-mail! Both my mom and my gentleman friend, neither of whom are on Google+ received the message, which means it could have gone to old college professors, weirdos I met on OK Cupid, my HR coordinator at work…anyone! BLERGH.

So in summation, if you received an unwanted e-mail about salad, I do apologize. If you would like to be my friend on Google+, please send me an invitation and/or don’t bother, I won’t know the difference! If you know how to use the internet, and would like to guide me, I would be eternally grateful.

And if you like quinoa, look at this salad I recently made for myself and then tell me how jealous you are!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/13/health/nutrition/13recipehealth.html 

One Awkward (or Awcward) List

Yikes! I promised a post/day from now until the end of 2010 (I meant workday, btw, some people have better things to do on their weekends than shit around on the internet. Like watch TV!) and now it's day 2 of that promise and I don't have a new post. Yooops. So I'm just going to give you guys a really super quick internet tutorial on ways to access this blog using a search engine. The list below gathers some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog in the past 7 days:

jason segel

luna lovegood nude

where is the slow clap guy gif from

awkward family photos hamm

rose in titanic naked

worst prom date

donna ainsworth, view my sexy photo and video on my site!

jon hamm teeth

روز في تايتنك

awkward nerd friend

disney chanel guy stars

awkward prom date pictures

"ron livingston"

dex draper nude (dex draper? Dexter + Draper and nude? YES PLEASE VERY MUCH!)

awkward stare gif

jon hamm's sock (change the 's' to a 'c' and we're in business. JUST KIDDING, gross, sorry)

nerd pants tutorial

nerd wedgie

awkward animal hand gestures

disney channel wedgies

breasts train

jon hamm feet

awcward touch downs (I think that's the Canadian spelling?)

nude ladies shower scenes

awkward family photo "nude" suit

hot guy spacesex

posted nude pictures of my prom date

"my mom home alone walking nude''  (this is obviously my favorite. I adore that it's in quotes, allowing no room for error.)

So, there you go! Helpful hints! Looks like you can pretty much just type any random combination of words, so long as one of the words is either 'nude,' 'awkward,' 'awcward,' 'Jon Hamm,' or 'Jon Hamm,' into Google and/or Bing and you will be sent directly to this blog. And if you are one of the readers who found the blog via any of those searches you should DEFINITELY e-mail me - oneawkwardyear@gmail.com.  Especially "my mom home alone walking nude'' or you, Donna Ainsworth. I have some sexy photos and videos I've been meaning to show you on my site!