One Awkward Office Party

Liz Lemon: I'm feeling pretty drunk. Jack Donaghy: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

 I don't know if it's like, nervous adrenaline, or flourescent lighting or the exhausting task of acting "professional," but any time I drink in like, a corporate setting I get instantly drunk. 1 professional beer = 3 regular life beers. I get overly chatty and loopy but also so terrified to speak, at all, for fear of what I might say. And, meanwhile, everyone around me is feeling the same buzz and my bosses start talking about like, or their kids or their, I don't know, pregnancy scares or something and I just kind of stand there and absorb it all in a very hazy way. As if I'm under water, floating, like a little piece of coral dressed in business casual attire.

We just had our department holiday party. I won't go into the details but it was as awkward as is to be expected. There were speeches (kill me!) and a Secret Santa (seriously! do it!) but no one called me Carol so, let's chalk it up as a win. Alsooo I walked away with the new Kanye West album and now I'm straight up jamming in my office. I am so hood! (I don't know what that means?!)

One of the very worst parts about 'business drunk' is that, often, you're still expected to do business...while drunk. Like, this party we just had ended at 3:30. What do you expect me to do until 5? Work? No thank you!

Our company also has this annual Halloween Party which is straight up ridiculous. The whole place shuts down at 12 noon the Friday before All Hallows Eve and everyone decorates their department and dresses up and gets shit canned, like, in their offices and it's just surreal. My department does not participate in this tradition because my department is NO FUN. This year I was like, fuck it, it's Halloween, y'all, I'm gonna get dronnnk. But unfortunately, I forgot to bring my balls that day, and ended up coming back to my desk at like 4:30, after about 71 cocktails to do work, and drunk dialed one of my bosses. I have basically no recollection of what that conversation covered, I just remember trying so, so, SO hard to sound normal, and then just like, hanging up and going home. I did manage to take notes during the conversation, which look a little something like this:

Employee of the year, I'm sure.

One Awkward Yell

Guess what, blog world? I have some exciting news: I'm pregnant! And the dad is my dentist! Just kidding, I don't know who the dad is.

For reals though - there is news. I'm getting a promotion. I've now moved slightly up the totem pole. Like, if my office were this totem pole here, I would now be that guy with the weird green head who appears to be cupping the other little guy's boobs:

We're all very close in my office.

Anyhoodle, because of this promotion I get to move from a cubicle into an office, which is great because now I can nap and listen to music and break wind with abandon. In order to move into this office, I have to clean all of my junk off of my old desk, which finds me here at the office at 8 PM, filing away. Finally I decide it's time to leave, so I get up and pack up my things and as I'm rounding the corner towards the door, the security guard rounds the corner at the same time. Like a nice, normal security guard.

And I yell. It wasn't like, a bloodcurdling shriek or anything but a very distinctive GAH! He must have startled me? The lights were on. There were other people mingling around and I freaked out and GAH-ed. The poor man just shrunk away from me and said "sorry, miss, just checking the fire extinguishers." And I blushed, and stammered an apology and sprinted out of the building.

And now I have to quit, out of sheer embarrassment, and I'll never get to fart in my new office. Le sigh.