Another Awkward Week [2.22.13]

My dudes, I am a terrible blogger today. I'm sorry! I am in a real state of disarray this morning and can't get my brain to organize my usual Friday roundup. What if I just show you the one and only awkward photo I took this week:

bedazzled

That's me looking GREAT in a bedazzled hat on-sale in the men's department of Zara. Which, what? I mean, listen, I am obviously totally in support of a man's right to sparkle and similarly, a lady's right to wear bowties, but gender politics in fashion aside, that is the ugliest effing skirt hat I've ever seen. Is bedazzling back in? Is it supposed to look like somebody covered a hat in glue and then poured a bottle of pills all over it? This looks like something I would make. NOT a compliment.

My birthday is just 203 days away if anyone would like to buy this for me.

Ok, what else was up this week:

  • I had a computer virus on my home laptop but I fixed it! GREAT STORY.
  • I ate terrible Dim Sum and thought I saw a guy I knew at the restaurant, but it was actually just someone who looked like him. ANOTHER GREAT STORY. 
  • I got my coat stuck in the gate in front of my apartment. The coat was on my body.
  • I ate one avocado per day.
  • I got cocktails with a very posh, poised, beautiful editor who works for a women's magazine - wining and dining the media is part of my job that I kind of love/hate - and spent at least 3 hours the next day googling her so I could learn everything about her life and be her. Like, I read articles she wrote for her high school newspaper and typed her name into Ancestry.com and looked at every single one of her Pinterest boards. WHY. On a Creepy Scale of 1 - 10 with 1 being a newborn baby sloth and 10 being Jeffrey Dahmer, how creepy is this? A 6? ...7???
  • I listened to the Ke$ha song "Die Young" probably 456 times.
  • And liked it.
  • I can't stop listening.
  • I am so ashamed!
  • My other to musical artists of the week are Flo Rida, Bruno Mars and Fun., so I'm basically a 14 year old girl.
  • I like that band Fun. but HATE that they have punctuation in their name.   What is that all about? I hate it.
  • I did NOT drink coffee for THREE DAYS. Four if you count today, but I see myself cracking in the very near future.
  • Why you ask?
  • Well, friends, because somebody is hungggggover today.
  • (That somebody is me.)
  • I went to a work happy hour last night that became about 6 very happy hours and I am hurting like a murting today. What's a murting? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
  • Here's what I had for breakfast:

hoagie

I am the poster child for healthy living.

With that, I think I'll shut this mother down. I need to drink 17 diet cokes and take a nap under my desk.

Happy Weekend, everyone!

xx Liz Ho

 

And One Happy List!

Woof! I was such a Grouchy Gertrude last week! But today is a new day, friends and everything’s coming up HoBags.  This afternoon I’m off to Baltimore for my 5-year college reunion and while I’m out of town, my boyfriend is moving from Philly to Brooklyn, barely a mile away from me.  No longer will I have to take the bolt bus to get laid! I mean, yes, this reunion is a sign of my impending old age and a reminder of the many things I have not yet accomplished and going from long distance to short distance means I have to shave my legs more than twice a month and maybe we’ll realize we actually can’t stand each other and break up and life will be horrible but I’m not dwelling on those things right now. Today I am a Positive Patty, a Happy Henrietta, an Optimistic Oksana...I could do this all day, folks. To celebrate my grand mood and reverse any lingering negative energies from my last post, herewith is a not-nearly complete list, with very limited commentary, of a few very strange, very specific things that never fail to fill me with glee.

Small children wit]h eyeglasses. It is well documented here how much I love kiddos, but none of them are cuter to me than the the ones with glasses. Not little girls with curly hair or little black boys with miniature Timberlands, not even twins wearing matching footie pajamas. It’s the bespectacled ones who get me every time. My kiddos will have to inherit this trait from their father, as I have 20-10 vision which is, NBD, better than perfect. I wouldn’t be surprised to find me trolling local sperm banks for donors with genetic eye disorders. Love me dem lil four eyes!

And please don’t call the authorities, I swear I’m not a pedophile.

Watching old eps of Law & Order and spotting now famous guest stars before they hit it big. Above you can see William H. Macy on the stand, testifying that he did not rape those girls at the drug rehab center when in fact, he so did do that. William H! You devil. Or have you seen the one where Victor Garber (spoiler alert!) gets the death penalty for murdering his wife, or John Krasinksi as a high school basketball star/witness? Love it! And check this out http://www.mediaite.com/tv/favorite-law-order-guest-stars-before-they-were-famous/.

Biting cleanly into a Kraft Single so I can see my teeth marks. If I die in a tragic fire, I hope they use cheese to check my dental records.

When cute old men still wear hats when out on the town.

Or older African American women who still dress to the nines for church.

When my land lady, who is crazy, but in like, a good way, decorates our apartment for holidays...or whatever. Above is our apartment at Halloween. At Christmas time it was adorned with wreaths, lights, strange furry polar bears and garlands a-plenty. All year long she has it decked out with plaques bearing biblical quotes (Our God Is An Awesome God!) and hundreds of photos of the Obama family. I love that crazy broad. This weekend she’s getting married (congrats, gurrl) and here’s what she’s done to the place:

I die!

Ok that's all for now! TAFN! Off to Bodymore Murderland with this girl. You Sassy Sallies have a fantastic weekend and feel free to share your own happies in the comments! (Please! I assume it goes with out saying that my ultimate happy maker is attention.)

One Awkward Friday: I Think I Need a New Job Edition

Sometimes, when I'm bored at work, and doing something I find pointless and insulting to my intelligence, which is like 40- 80% of my work week, depending on the week, I like to play this game with myself where I pretend I'm someone else. I don't like, walk around the office in a costume or try to impersonate real-life people, but if I'm on the phone with someone, asking dumb questions, I'll just sort of spice things up a little bit. I started just pretending to be an intern or whatever, mostly because I have this fear that every time I make an annoying phone call, the contact keeps a mental record of my name/what I'm asking and then they hate me and will never want to work with me on an actual professional level ever again, but, being like, "Oh, hi, I'm an intern from blah blah blah, I was wondering how many bathrooms you have in your bookstore?" got too boring, I suppose and I just had to go and get creative.

This afternoon, I made three different information gathering phone calls in the personality of "Tammy," a 21-year-old college junior from Memphis, TN, majoring in English Lit with a focus on women in mid-19th century fiction, now interning at a large publishing house. No one asked for any of these details (though I'm sure they could guess the Memphis part from Tammy's southern-fried twang) but, like Daniel Day Lewis, I'm method. Backstory is key.

I think it's time to call it a day.

One Awkward (or Awcward) List

Yikes! I promised a post/day from now until the end of 2010 (I meant workday, btw, some people have better things to do on their weekends than shit around on the internet. Like watch TV!) and now it's day 2 of that promise and I don't have a new post. Yooops. So I'm just going to give you guys a really super quick internet tutorial on ways to access this blog using a search engine. The list below gathers some of the most popular search terms that have brought people to this blog in the past 7 days:

jason segel

luna lovegood nude

where is the slow clap guy gif from

awkward family photos hamm

rose in titanic naked

worst prom date

donna ainsworth, view my sexy photo and video on my site!

jon hamm teeth

روز في تايتنك

awkward nerd friend

disney chanel guy stars

awkward prom date pictures

"ron livingston"

dex draper nude (dex draper? Dexter + Draper and nude? YES PLEASE VERY MUCH!)

awkward stare gif

jon hamm's sock (change the 's' to a 'c' and we're in business. JUST KIDDING, gross, sorry)

nerd pants tutorial

nerd wedgie

awkward animal hand gestures

disney channel wedgies

breasts train

jon hamm feet

awcward touch downs (I think that's the Canadian spelling?)

nude ladies shower scenes

awkward family photo "nude" suit

hot guy spacesex

posted nude pictures of my prom date

"my mom home alone walking nude''  (this is obviously my favorite. I adore that it's in quotes, allowing no room for error.)

So, there you go! Helpful hints! Looks like you can pretty much just type any random combination of words, so long as one of the words is either 'nude,' 'awkward,' 'awcward,' 'Jon Hamm,' or 'Jon Hamm,' into Google and/or Bing and you will be sent directly to this blog. And if you are one of the readers who found the blog via any of those searches you should DEFINITELY e-mail me - oneawkwardyear@gmail.com.  Especially "my mom home alone walking nude'' or you, Donna Ainsworth. I have some sexy photos and videos I've been meaning to show you on my site!