Another Awkward Week [7.3.14]

Hey GUYS! Remember me? No? Didn’t think so. It’s been what, like, years? Decades? Oh, a week and a half? Well it feels like decades. The stress of trying to plan a wedding + find an apartment + move into said apartment + at least appear productive at work + pop zyrtec like it's candy because my sinuses are not on board this summer + finish the first 4 seasons of Game of Thrones (3 down!) (RIP so very many people) + watch ALL the soccer + take so many cold showers after watching ALL the soccer because HOT DIGGITY DAYUMN all these men in shorts + play with my new blender + eat, drink, sleep and, you know, stay alive has really caught up with me and, much as I love you all (and the attention you give me, letz be honest here), writing has fallen onto the back burner.

The way, way back burner.

Which bums me out but c’est le vie, my friends. C’est le motherflipping vie.

Are you curious what else has been going on in my life, besides the above? No? Whelp, we all know I’ll probably tell you anyway. Let us all join hands and take a look what was keeping it awkward this past decade week and a half.

This Travel Mug:

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My BFF Mo generously gifted us with a Ninja blender for my bridal shower, complete with two travel mugs and this cool attachment function that lets you make your smoothies right there IN YOUR MUG. It's miraculous. My old blender could barely chop. If I wanted to make a smoothie with frozen fruit, which I do, every single day, I would have to defrost the fruit in the microwave first and even then the blender would only get half of it, leaving me with warm smoothies with chunks of thawed, mushy fruit floating around. No bueno.

So to say this new toy is life changing is an understatement. My smoothie game has been revolutionized!

There is one downside which is sort of an upside in disguise, which is that the travel mugs twist on SO tight. And stay on SO tight. How tight? Neither I nor three of my colleagues could twist off the other day when I wanted to rinse it out. I tried to clean it with the lid still on by pouring in some warm water through the drink hole and swishing it around and pouring it back out again but that did NOT work and then all day I was left with this mess which, let's be honest, looks like a travel mug full of diarrhea.

Yum!

Did I ruin your appetite? I kind of ruined mine...

PS: Is it considered bad form to use your wedding shower presents before your wedding? If yes our form is bad to the bone, because we have been going nuts with all of our new kitchen gadgets. Whoops?

This Noodle:

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This past weekend was my bachelorette party - I demanded a whole weekend long party, I am such a 'zilla. My gals rented a lake house in the Poconos and it was just the best. THE BEST. THE BEST!!!!! I have never felt so loved and special and also just so relaxed and so very, very full of food. Essentially we partied like it was 1999 (aka 8th grade) but this time with booze. And an inflatable penis. Disney singalong? Check. Cotton Eye Joe? Check.  Getting weepy while talking about Dawson's Creek? Check. 5 gallon tub of cheese balls? Check aaaaannnnd check.

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We also swam in a pool, fended off a raccoon attack (mild exaggeration), played with sparklers, played "Pin the Hose on the Firefighter," invented some kind of group Wawa chant, played dozens of rounds of Heads Up, created a new sex move inspired by "Free Willy" (yes, this Free Willy) called the "Whale Tail," (we'll tell you all about when you're older), polished off copious amounts of Firefly vodka, Bud Lights and champagne (including one really fancypants bottle gifted by a friend who couldn't be there (hi Ash!) which I drank through a straw because I'm classy like dat) and each of us ate a full years worth of calories in one night in the form of chips, dips, buffalo wings, cheese, cheese balls, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, macaroni salad, potato salad, hot dogs roasted over an open flame while completely hammered at 3 AM (an ill advised idea if I've ever heard one) and late night Kraft macaroni and cheese.

When I went up to bed I took of my pants and found a mac-n-cheese noodle in my underpants.

HA! How did it even get there? I was wearing leggings! Maybe the stripper put it there?!?! With his teeth!

JK there was no stripper.

Suffice it to say, it was the best weekend of my whole life. But how the H-E-Double Macaroni Noodles did that thing get in my pants?

A mystery for the ages!

This Nectarine:

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Somehow we did not eat all of the food we brought that weekend, despite our very best efforts, so all of us brought snax and things home with us. I got dropped off on the Upper East Side and then took the subway back to Brooklyn carrying my suitcase, my ever-present tote bag, a basket of gifts and goodies from one of my girlfriends (Hi, Leah!!! I love you!!) and a big shopping bag full of leftover chips, one avocado and two nectarines. Quite the mix.

I managed to make it all the way to my stop without incident but then when trying to stand up and disembark my grocery bag tumbled over and started to spill all over the place. There was NO TIME to waste so I just grabbed what I could and ran off the train. I saw a nectarine rolling down the car and a woman yelled after me "ma'am! your groceries!"  But there was no turning back. This is not Saving Private Ryan.

RIP, that nectarine. I'll miss you.

I thought both nectarines were goners until Tuesday when I unpacked the chips for a little World Cup party at the office and found a smashed nectarine in the bottom of my bag, just rotting away.

So he may have survived the subway but his life was no better. Sorry, nectarines. I tried.

Sorry also, USMT. Tough loss out there. You did GREAT and I would still do filthy things (like the Whale Tail!) with each and every one of you, so thanks for inspiring our country and the libidos of millions of weird women. Or at least just this one. LOVE YOU TIM HOWARD.

This Traffic Cone:

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I was walking to work the other morning wearing this pretty maxi dress (last seen covered in coffee at Brian's sister's graduation) (from Old Navy, OBVZ). The dress is sort of faux-wrap style in that it doesn't tie, but the skirt is fully slit up the middle so when the wind blows it blows right on open, giving all of NYC a real show.

I came up with a trick of positioning my cross-body bag right in front of my goodies when I'm walking and wearing this so that it blows open but only up to a certain point and all the necessary stuff is still covered up.

I did not come up for a trick for when you're walking by a turned over traffic cone sitting on the sidewalk and the bottom of your long skirt gets caught on it and you get stuck and a fellow commuter has to help you untangle yourself because you're holding up morning rush-hour traffic.

So...that happened.

This Leftover Snack:

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Y'all know I love buffalo wings and blue cheese. So much, in fact, that sometimes I like to spill blue cheese dressing directly into my pocket.

You know, so I can save a little treat for later.

Couldn't be classier if I tried.

And, that, beautiful people, is what's been up! How have YOU been? Any big plans for the holiday weekend, Americans? The weather is supposed to be a butthead and rain all day in NY so I don't know what I'll get up to. Maybe write our wedding ceremony or get our wedding bands? You know, those minor yet crucial details that we should probbbably get on top of? Or we could clean and pack our apartment? Sell our old stuff? Stop spending so much money?!?!

Ohhh boy. Welcome back, stress. It was a nice 10 minutes not thinking about you. The next 6 weeks are going to be cray to the cray but I'm excited. Bring it on, life.

Happy weekend to you all and Happy Birthday, America!!! I love you. Thank you for being the home of the free and land of the brave and I just realized I mixed those two up but I ain't going back to fix it.

Baby you're a firework,

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [4.11.14]

Good morning everyone! What is up? What is the 4-11? GET IT?! Because it's April 11? 4-11?

No?

Whatever. I think it's funny! God, I crack myself up. WHAT A COMEDIENNE!!

How was everyone's week? I had these amazing intentions to blog up a STORM but...looks like that didn't happen. Whoops. But I definitely thought about it so that counts, right?

Next week! There's always next week!

And what's up for the weekend? I'm going to New Jersey tonight to meet a friend for dinner and then returning to Brooklyn and then going back to New Jersey tomorrow for a wedding (First of 9 for 2014!) so it should be quite the whirlwind. I was actually in New Jersey last weekend, too, visiting another friend.

Basically just call me JWoww. I'm all about that Jerz.

And now, because I'm writing this on Friday AM while I should be working, as I chose TV and painting my nails over blogging last night (I mean...partying! I was partying!) so I need to be quite quick about this. Let's take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Hairspray:

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I am a total sucker for coupons and customer reward bonuses. I know they're basically a huge marketing scam but consider me scammed. If you mark something 2 for 1 or coupon it up I will probably buy it. Especially cosmetic products. I don't know the reasoning behind this but I am ALL IN for discounted lotions and sprays.

This week I had to go to CVS to pick up a prescription and oh look, also had $2.50 extra bucks on my ExtraCare Card (copyright CVS, probably) plus a whole bunch of coupons so I RACED over there and loaded my arms with discounted products: three canisters of shave gel, a family pack of toothbrushes (Brian's VERY particular about fresh tooth brushes like, every week. He's so weird!) and two canisters of my favorite hairspray, marked down to buy one, get one 50% off. BOOM.

My arms were full to the brim and I probably should have gotten a basket but I always think it's kind of weird to get a basket at the drugstore, I don't know why, don't ask. Maybe I just have PTSD for accidentally stealing one that one time?

At any rate long story SO SO extra long, I was waiting in the check-out line, my arms laden with ozone destroying aerosol canisters when a bottle of hairspray fell out of my arms and hit the ground causing the lid to pop off and HIT A BABY STROLLER.

I repeat: HIT A BABY STROLLER.

Ok just the wheel, no one was injured but they could have been!

And now I need to find space in my apartment for my 97 canisters of shave gel and hair spray.

This Umbrella:

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I left my umbrella at my friend's house over the weekend (housewarming gift for the Manley's!). It rained on Monday and Brian unearthed this bad boy from the depths of his closet. It worked for about 2.2 seconds until it oh, so didn't.

I needed to grocery shop on Monday after work and was planning to stop home, drop off my gym bag, pick up my reusable shopping bags and go to the nice grocery store a few blocks away from my apartment. But my commute home was a mess and I got impatient and decided I'd just get out a stop earlier than my usual and go to the other, grosser, lamer store on the way to my house, just to save time.

Huge mistake.

For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to buy the heaviest foods - canned beans, potatoes, gallons of milk - on the day I didn't have any sturdy bags, so on my walk home I somehow had to juggle six extremely heavy plastic bags, all on the verge of breaking, plus my gym bag, plus my umbrella, which essentially snapped in half one second after I walked out of the door, so that I was basically holding a stick with a floppy napkin above my head.

I struggled the short walk back to my apartment. Two blocks away from home a nice gentleman did stop to ask if I needed help but I was close enough to make it, so I declined. One block away from my house a less nice gentleman saw how burdened I was, shook his head and said "sorry."

Sorry?! FOR WHAT?! Are you going to offer to help? Put up or shut up, my fine friend.

I finally made it to my door where I abandoned the groceries at the bottom of the steps and demanded that my nice gentleman go bring them up for me.

What a mess.

Semi related, I just stopped in the drug store next to my office to buy a new umbrella, as today's forecast calls for rain and that green number certainly isn't going to cut it. They usually have a big display out but today I could only find one. I got to the register and the cashier told me the umbrella + tax came to $32.

WHAT THE WHAT. I told her to "cancel that order" and ran out of the store.

This Ensemble:

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I'm LOVING this warm weather, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to know exactly how to dress for days when it's 30 degrees colder in the morning than it is at lunch time. So I'm taking the layered approach: cardigan over a cardigan made infinitely sexier by the Melanie-Griffith-in-Working-Girl bright white sneakers for my commute.

Also This Other Ensemble:

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Was racing around to get to a work event when I managed to squirt under eye concealer all over my shirt. Turns out, the one thing concealer does not conceal is itself.

This Pudding:

As you know, I love a good superfood as much as the next cliched blogger and chia seeds are still pretty much the hottest thing going. I've been trying to cut down on my sugar intake, so when I saw recipes popping up for sugar free, dairy free chia seed pudding, I was all about that life.

I found a recipe via A Beautiful Mess that promised to be easy. Simply mix chia seeds, coconut milk, vanilla extract and a pinch of salt in a bowl or glass. Chill for a while and boom: delicious, healthy dessert.

If done right, it should look like the photo above.

Mine looked a little more like this:

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And tasted horrible. The milk never really thickened and the seeds stayed crunchy and it was just like, a bowl of the worst seedy, watery puddingy grossness you ever ate in your whole life.

And by ever ate I mean, literally ate because even thought it was grotesque, I still ate about half the bowl. WHY. Why oh why?

I'm still not giving up on the chia pudding though, guys. If at first you don't succeed, etc etc etc. Eating trendy healthy foods not only makes my body feel better but also helps me maintain a sense of superiority over others (real talk) so I will perfect this recipe if it's the last thing I do.

Foodie pals - help a sister out!

Also, for the record, I know now that Almond Breeze non dairy milks have carageenan in them which is apparently horrible for you and to be avoided but none of the other non carageenan-filled brands had unsweetened milk and I couldn't decide if artificial sweeteners were worse than carageenan so I just panicked and went with what I know I like. It was very stressful. Eating healthy is really hard! And I'm a yuppie white lady who is obsessed with reading about food so imagine how much more difficult it must be for people without access to all of the resources I have to obtain the right foods.

Just something to think about! Friday morning rant!

SHUT. IT. DOWN.

And that was my week. I don't think any of these stories made much sense but you know what? Life doesn't make sense. All I know is, it's Friday, I'm having a great hair day, and if I don't get to work like, immediately, I am in deep trouble. So the end!

Have a most spectacular weekend, my fine friends! Don't forget to pack a (working!) umbrella!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [3.7.14]

Guten Morgen, Jorgens! That might be German...might be gibberish. How was everyone's week? Mine was fast and productive, just the way I like it, wink. Sorry, gross.  I actually played hooky on Monday...except it was my boss's idea (apparently my fragile emotional state is more obvious that I'd like to admit?!) (don't worry, I'm finally seeking profesh help...more on that later) (parenthesis!) so it was less hooky and more approved personal day but, tomato tomahto. It was amazing. I slept in, until 8:30, which is late for me, did 4 loads of laundry, including our kitchen floor mat which, do you guys wash your kitchen mats?? How often? I think this was the first time since we moved in last August yiiiiikes. I did a little writing, which I promise you'll see soon, cooked a healthy meal, cleaned out my closet, caught up on Scandal, it was divine.

I then came back to work on Tuesday and have been Getting. Shit. Done. Boom!

So! If you can get away with it, professionally sanctioned or no, I'd highly recommend sneaking in a mental health slash get your life together day. I feel so much more on top of everything, calmer, clearer-headed. It's a miracle!

Never fear, though, productive certainly does not mean smooth, so why don't we go to the tapes & take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Dinner:

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Did y'all know that yesterday was the 50th Anniversary of the Invention of the Buffalo Wing? Move over Wright Brothers, Steve Jobs, etcetera...Teressa Bellissamo is truly America's greatest inventor.

As you know, I love buffalo wings almost as much as I love my own family, but I didn't know about this anniversary until late yesterday afternoon, when my friend Kathleen emailed me a link and suggested we should celebrate. I told her I wouldn't be able to last night...

Why? She asked?

I had to go home and put away my laundry...and I had turkey defrosting that I really should cook so...

29 going on 64.

Shut it down.

Kathleen helpfully stepped in with a You're in your 20's, Childless, in one of the Greatest Cities in America, Live a Little Intervention, and we celebrated like kings! Greasy, meat-eating kings.

It's important to surround yourself with good friends who will remind you how lame you are.

These Boots:

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Reason #19086 this godforsaken winter needs to come to an end: I have actual holes in the bottom of my shoes. I look like I just stepped out of, like, Angela's Ashes. I'm too cheap/lazy/sick of winter apparel to get a new pair so...hurry on up, spring, there's snow seeping into my socks!

This Still Life, With Garbage:

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Last night I spilled some water in my purse, as one does, and when I dumped out the contents to dry them off, realized I had a lot of, shall we say, useless trash floating around in there.

I am always fascinated by these clearly staged bits that fashion mags do with celebrities where they ask them what's inside their handbag and the answer is always like, La Mer Handcream (is that even a thing?) and some antique gilded compact mirror that their great-grandmother got from Marie Antoniette herself and 3-5 shades of Nars Lipstick and exactly zero old bandaids or anything a (hopefully?!) normal person might carry around and even though I know it's all fakey-fake, I can't help feeling a little blue about my own nice possessions, or lack thereof. No Mas!

Wihtout further ado, here's what I, Liz Ho, Normal Person, carry around in MY handbag:

Basically L-R, from the top:

Row 1: Pack of tissues printed to look like a snowman, PILE of used tissues, cortisone cream for bug bites, a pile of work papers and on top of them a plastic mermaid and a plastic cactus that were put in my margarita a happy hour many weeks ago and I thought were cute so I took them home, wallet

Row 2: post-it note from one of my many trips to the T-Mobile store where I apparently practiced writing my current name and possible married name in cursive (busted!), two notebooks, one of which started as an old food journal during my cleansing days so in between to-do lists are lists of what I ate and when and then also the exit portion of the digestive process; a salt grinder from Trader Joe's, ONE nude knee high stocking

Row 3: Shout Wipes, hair clips, a packet of bandaids + a few floaters, my blackberry which has not worked in weeks and I keep meaning to get fixed but I love the feeling of freedom that comes from not being able to use it, a travel container of earplugs, my kindle (currently reading a new Sarah Waters novel, coming in September!), on top of the Kindle we have a paring knife which Brian saw and asked me why I was carrying around a shiv,  and a number of old reciepts, several of which are from the wine store

Row 4: An assortment of feminine hygiene products, a promotional screen cleaner that my mom got at a conference and put in my stocking, used Amtrak ticket, stub from a reimbursement check from work, some kind of letter from the health insurance company

Row 5: expired Starbucks gift card, smashed piece of caramel, two empty birth control packets + one currently in rotation, one zillion pens, old nail file that is too worn down to file

Annnnnd THERE YA HAVE IT! What's in YOUR purse? I'm seriously dying to know. The Hairpin did a great series of this a few years ago...let's start another!

This Gift:

Ok...I need to start this with some text & lead up to the good stuff.

I've mentioned our landlady here, she of the amazing decor, and I fear I've come off snarkier than I mean to be. I genuinely treasure her, she's been a fantastic landlord and I appreciate living in the most festive house on the block. We're going to have to move this year, a fact which I will discuss with you later, as I am currently repressing it, so I think we're all getting a little sentimental.

Por ejemplo, Connie is super excited that we're getting married, which is adorable, and this past weekend, I opened our apartment door to find a gift bag hanging on the handle.

What could it be?! 'Twas a gift from Connie.

I first pulled out a beautiful card in a silver envelope , reading "Elizabeth & Brian, I'm going to miss you guys...as you see, I'm making a prediction..."

A prediction?!

From the bag, I pull two frames, wrapped in tissue. The first, a gorgeous, sparkly silver frame, the kind in which you might put your formal wedding photos. I love it!

The second, well, see for yourself:

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Guessing the prediction is baby related? No pressure. I thought the baby questions would wait until at least a day or so after the wedding.

I told a friend about this last night & she said now I'll probably think of Connie every time we're getting busy. Hadn't taken it that far, pal, but now I sure will. Hopefully those multiple packets of BC I've been carrying around do their job and this predic doesn't come true for many, many a year.

I do tease, but seriously how sweet is this? Commence WHY MUST WE MOVE?!?! panic in 4-3-2-1...AAAH!

And that, good sirs, was my week! What are you all up to this weekend? Conceiving some children, maybe? Good luck with that! I'm going to a work event tonight (voluntarily! Toldja I was on the up & up!), hopefully running outside, as the temps may finally rise above 31 farenheit, and Briguy and I may possibly do a little wedding gift registering so fire up those credit cards, America, mama needs a new paring knife, she's been using hers as a shiv!

Hoping you have a delightful weekend, whatever it may entail and don't forget to Spring Forward!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.24.14]

Good morning, snowflakes! How is everyone? If anyone is looking for a bland and unsatisfying snack, might I recommend a semi-stale, untoasted, whole grain english muffin spread with some almond butter? It'll quench your hunger, yes, but also leave you feeling deeply depressed and remorseful that you just wasted your time and snacking energy on such a boring, dumb morsel. GRR! I'll be starting my spin-off food blog annnny day now.

Anyway, what is up?! I know I'm stating the obvious here but it is flipping FREEZING. I've been wearing tights under my pants all week and I'm not going to lie to you guys...I LOVE it. It's so cozy and everything feels all snug and secure. I'm might just do this forever. I want invisible full body spanx that just keeps everything feeling all nice and tight.

I realize this effect can be achieved naturally via something called "exercise" but wouldn't it be so much better if you could just BUY it?!

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my science lab, working on this invention.

JK, if anyone's looking for me I'll be right here, like always, talkin' about myself.

So without further ado, why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this [polar vortexy] week.

These Jammies:

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A college roommate of mine (Hi Alli!) turned us all on to this crazy superstition of wearing your jams inside-out the night before a snowstorm to bring on a snow day the next day. It snowed this week  so I gave it a try ... and it totally failed. Whomp. Not like I would ever get a snow day, publishing stops for no man or winter storm!, but Brian was really jonesing for school closure and I'm the nicest fiance ever so I bossily made him put on his pajamas the wrong way but alas: we were foiled.

Bill DiBlasio! I would take back my vote...if only I'd actually voted instead of being such a worthless citizen!

PS. the mismatched socks have no superstitious value, that's just how I roll.

This Nail Polish:

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So this was part of a themed gift from my brother and I love my brother and the gift and the polish IN the bottle, but once it was on my nails it was just TOO much. Too bright or purple or both. No bueno. I hated it so much I couldn't concentrate. Seriously. I would just sit here all day distracted by the site of my garish fingers moving on the keyboard.

There is this wacky lady at our office who rumor has it took too much LSD at Studio 54 back in the day and now just toddles around the office wearing fur vests and cut-off jort overalls with stockings underneath and hats indoors (a peeve of mine, if anyone's curious) (as always, no one was) singing in French and disturbing everyone she passes.

She's a real treat.

Anyway, I found myself standing in the kitchen at the same time she was there (every morning at 11 AM she peels and eats an orange standing over the shared trash can and I KNOW I should avoid the area at that time, but I wanted tea!) and just in case I wasn't already self conscious enough about my gaudy nails, Crazy Town McGee stops mid peel and squawks: "WOOOOW now THAT is some great nail polish!"

As you can guess, a compliment from this gal = you're doing something very, very wrong.

I ran away from her, quickly, thinking I must immediately remove my nail polish, but first, I must take some photos for blogging purposes. You always see those photos on pinterest or wherever of a person's nails with them holding something...I tried to recreate with my own hand and it was straight up impossible. I had to bend my arm in at this totally unnatural and claw-like angle to get my nails in the camera.

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WHAT IS THE TRICK? How do they do it? Am I missing something? This seems like a skill that is ESSENTIAL to master if I want to be a successful human.

Here are the photos I managed to snap:

[gallery ids="2583,2584,2585,2586"]

L-R: homage to Twilight, amazing crass mug from my assistant, some vitamins because I saw how rapidly this was spinning out of control, so why not make it extra weird, aaannnnd displaying my engagement ring with my hand pressed firmly against the wall.

I can have this made into a collage & framed if anyone's interested?

Also YES I did this during work hours yesterday...how am I still employed?

These Meatballs:

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Lately our grocery store has been having amazing sales on 3-lb packages of ground turkey so I've been stocking up and freezing it to have around.

Fuuuuck me I sound like such a grown-up. "Gotta run down to the deli, Bonnie, they're having some serious sales in the deli section!"

Oy.

The first time this happened, I did the extra super grownup Real Simple Magazine move of separating the meat into appropriate sized portions and freezing so we didn't have to deal with thawing and eating 3Lbs of turkey meat in one sitting but for whatever reason, this time I just shoved it right in the freezer whole hog.

Er, whole bird?

It turns out that a solid three pound hunk of turkey meat is NOT that easy to cut into. Just FYI. Brian is an Eagle Scout (!) and if you'll allow me to get a little schmaltzy for just un segundo, one thing I just love about this guy is that he has a super cute butt. And another thing I love about him is that he always likes to try to tinker around and MacGuyver things until he can fix them. It doesn't always work, but he always tries and it's always so adorable and I just want to squeeze him and smooch his face.

Gross, sorry.

Anyway, his solution to the ground turkey sitch? The ol' chisel trick:

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Like Michelangelo turned a slab of stone into David, that sexy hunk of marble man meat, Brian turned our turkey log into two sexy hunks of meat meat, which we then grilled and ate, burger style.

Delicious!

We still had a full 2 lbs left in the freezer, so I decided to thaw it out and make a big batch of  meatballs, about 14 of which we ate with spaghetti in one sitting (it was snowing! don't judge) and the rest of which I planned to freeze for later consumption.

Like a grown-up!

I put the hot meatballs in a container on the counter and left them there to cool before putting in the freezer because one time, on Thanksgiving, I got into a big snit with my mom because she told me you should let your food cool before putting the leftovers away and I was all "Mooommm! Don't tell me what to do!" (teenagers, am I right!) (JK, I was 28) and everyone knows you should always listen to your mother.

Except then I totally forgot about them and left them out all night long.

Pwomp.

The ever helpful Yahoo! Answers assured me that eating poultry left out overnight would surely kill me and so, into el garbagio they went.

SO MUCH EFFORT went into using up this godforsaken lump of turkey meat only to throw half of it in the trash. That's the last time I ever try to responsibly bargain shop at the grocery store. Or just grocery shop at all.

From here on out we're just going to Taco Bell every night.

(I'll def need those invisible spanx then!)

This Appetizer:

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Chips & Guac! There is this restaurant in my neighborhood that has amazing guacamole which they serve with either fried tortillas or soft tortillas. I went the other night & I guess I forgot the word "fried" and also the word "tortilla" because when I tried to order, it went a little something like this:

Waiter: "Hello, may I take your order?"

Liz: "Yes please. We would like some guacamole and the hard ones. Those hard things. Not the soft ones, the ones that are hard?"

Waiter: "Chips. You mean you would like chips?"

Liz: [red face shame] "Yes please."

CHIPS guys! A new invention I apparently just learned about. They're GREAT with guacamole!

This Coffee:

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Purchased to keep me warm and energized during a 45-minute wait at the Post Office yesterday afternoon. Except I realized I forgot to put milk in the cup and I haaaate black coffee. I considered going back to Starbucks and just sort of serruptitiously putting in some milk but I had already gotten to the Post Office and there were literally 4576 people ahead of me in line and it was so cold out, so I just stood there and held this stupid, piping hot cup of coffee until it started to burn my hand, at which point I put on one of my mittens (indoors!) but then I felt weird and also I managed to get coffee allll over my white mitten so I took it back off and the coffee had cooled enough to hold and then just 27 minutes later, after the woman in front of me finished arguing with the teller about the availability of rare tiger face stamps, I finally made it to the front of the line,  bought my stamps, came back to work and poured some milk into my now lukewarm, half-spilled cup of coffee.

Best $2.77 I ever spent.

Speaking of money, stamps are increasing by 3 cents starting this Monday, so if you have, say, a pile of save the dates laying on your bedroom floor begging to be sent out, go stock up on those stamps immediately!! I got stamps for STD's (nope, can't abbreviate that) and response cards (even though I just want to use internet RSVP's but my mom thinks it's tacky...more on that at a later date) and saved a whopping $7.50 by getting them this week before the prices went  up.

How many doves do you think I can buy with 7 dollars and 50 cents? Like a hundred? Two hundred?

This Music Video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk]

 Actually this is only awkward if you're the kind of person who hates joy and pleasure because this movie is the jimmity JAM, y'all. I'm actually not that big into Disney films. In truth, I kind of find adults who are still super into Disney to be a little stunted and off-putting and as a feminist, I have a lot of problems with the whole Princess genre but as a human being with two ears, two eyes and one sentimental heart: I effing love them.

So the only awkward thing about this video is if A: you're an adult who is super into Disney in which case I just offended your kind, SORRY! and B: the amount of times I have watched it this week which would be approx 673. And counting.

I urge you all to RACE out to the theaters this moment and watch this film. You won't regret it! Unless you hate musicals or sisters or animation or FUN in which case you definitely will but you sound lame, so forget you.

And that's that! What did we learn this week? Frozen is amazing, tiger stamps are hard to come by, fried tortillas are called "chips," inside out jammbos do NOT guarantee snow days, purple nail polish is horrible and NEVER EVER listen to your mom when it comes to leftovers.

Good stuff!

Stay warm this weekend, kids.

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week - Thanksgiving Edition [11.27.15]

Gobble, Gobble, Turkeys! Who's excited for Thanksgiving? I'm pumped UP! Get at me, stuffing.

To be honest, I've actually been a little anxious about the impending holiday (LOL, who me? Anxious? Well I nevah!). We're squeezing a lot into a few short days: first in NJ with Brian's parents,then down to Philly to stay at my sister's & do a second turkey dinner and thennnn go up to my hometown in PA to attend my 10 Year High School reunion, for which I have been very actively involved in the planning committee because I have sucker printed big & bold on my forehead, apparently, and then back up to NYC on Sunday to return to the real world.

These are all wonderful things and will be great fun, but I've been worried, I have! This is the first year that Brian & I are doing holidays together - my first Thanksgiving away from my immediate family. I know this is just life and adulthood and I need to nut up and get over it, but it feels strange. I'm at once excited and a little bit sad, mourning the end of The Way Things Always Are, instead of eagerly looking ahead to building a new family unit with Brian. I don't want either of our families to feel left out or given the short end of the deal.Then, this reunion, which can't be a failure because everyone from high school will hate me! Which...why do I care? I shouldn't, but I do. I don't want to let anyone down. Anywhere. Ever!

I just want everyone to be happy and for everything to be perfect all the time forever and an eternity, amen. Is that too much to ask?!

Probably. Mayhaps (an excellent, underused word!) I should be using my brainspace to focus on the good, rather than dramatically worry? MAYHAPS!

And so, in no particular order and certainly not complete, a few things I am thankful for this year:

First and Foremost: Cheesy Clipart 

The 3 F's: My Family, Friends and Fiance (!)

A few more F's: French Fries, Fresh Flowers, Farmers Markets, Fleece, Feminism, Forks and Frosties (of the latter, I haven't had one in years, but I'm just thankful to know they exist.) 

Hulu Plus

Hiking Trails (& strong legs for those mountain climbs!)

Instagram

Sandwiches

My Covered Wagon Lamp

Taylor Swift

The Color Green 

Decorative Gourds

And, of course: all you weirdos who let me rant and rave and tell strange stories on the internet and somehow find that entertaining. Y'all complete me, you really, really do. 

So for you, for YOU I say, why don't we stop being so damn earnest and get funky fresh. A quick look at what was keeping it awkward this short, carbo-laden week.

These Groceries:

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Over the weekend, I stopped by the market to pick up some fresh healthy business because it is a known scientific FACT that if you eat at least one piece of fruit every day for the week before Thanksgiving, you can then have allll the pie and potatoes and wine and you will actually lose weight! Total true fact, gang.

I was walking out of the store when an onion fell down in front of me and I sort of kicked it with my foot, across the street.

I assumed it had just fallen out of the top of the bag. I laughed, picked it up and kept walking.

NOOOOOPE. Turns out the bottom of the bag had ripped open and suddenly all of my groceries went cascading onto the sidewalk. Apparently I had only purchased round foods, so they then went rolling in all directions. I scrambled around on my hands and knees on the dirty sidewalk, chasing after apples and lemons and onions, oh my!

A man actually walked past me and said "you a mess, girl."

OH AM I? No duh, neighbor. Charmed, I'm sure.

It probably didn't help that I was sporting this get-up, in public:

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Oh yes. That'd be moccassins (with a hole in one toe), Valentine's Day socks pulled up OVER leggings, a neon blue t-shirt and severely greasy hair all topped off by that food-stained, grotesque zip-up hoodie which should never be allowed out of the house. I actually acquired that beautiful specimen on a first date many a years back.  The guy was polite enough to give me his jacket when I was cold...but not so polite as to ever call me again, so I got to keep the sweatshirt. Booyah. I should don't know if I should feel like, insulted that I never heard from this guy,  but c'mon, dude wore a poop-colored sweatshirt on a first date...nothing to waste too many tears on. 

This Plastic Bag:

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Remember that guy from American Beauty who was all obsessed with the beauty of plastic bags blowing in the wind? Well, imagine how many more Oscars that film would have won if one of the plastic bags had blown up and hit a beautiful young (ish) lady right in the face as she was walking to dinner.

Imagine THAT!

Just look at that bastard, hanging out in a tree, taunting me. I'll get you back, bag. Never rest. When you least expect it: oh, I'll be there.

Other inanimate objects getting all up in my business this week...

This Umbrella:

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I came home from the movies late last night (Catching Fire! One Million Stars! Movie of the Year!) and it was a torrential downpour outside. I closed my umbrella when I came in the building and went to leave it outside of my apartment door, to dry. I guess I dropped it way hard and it landed riiiight on the top which somehow caused a chain reaction, forcing the umbrella to POP open, smacking into my shins and causing me to trip into my front door.

I almost died. Right there in my own doorway. I'd NEVER make it in the Hunger Games.

And that's my week! Short and sloppy. Just like I like my turkeys.

What are YOU thankful for this year?!!! 

Wishing a very Happy Thanksgiving, to all near and far. Strangers or friends. Or foes! Even foes! Have you ever called someone a foe in real life? Like "oh, that guy over there, he's my foe." That's another word we need to bring back into day to day conversation.

And a Happy  Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish peeps out there. Shalom! Mazel Tov! Other Jewish Words!

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [11.15.13]

Hello, my beautiful butterflies.  How y'all doing? Is it just me, or did this week feel utterly interminable. TGIF to the highest power today, my friends. Here's a deep thought for your Friday, something I can't get out of my head: why is "Jack" a nickname for "John"? It doesn't make any sense! There are plenty of nicknames that don't phonetically seem that logical - like, Peg + Margaret or Dick + Richard (LOL she just said 'dick!'), but at least the nicknames are shorter than the originals. What is the point of Jack / John? It is the same amount of letters! It's just a totally different name! That's like, if your name was Ryan and you were like, oh everyone calls me Todd.

WHY GUYS WHY?!?!

One Awkward Year: Nothing but the hardest hitting issues. You're welcome!

Now, why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

 

This Instagram:

IMG_20131103_160756

Ok technically this is from last week but don't judge me. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Or something? I need more coffee.

Regardless: I snapped this so-so photo of the NYC Marathon the other Sunday and posted to Instagram because what was I not going to gram that shiz? Please, you all know me too well.  My phone is set to such that I get notifications whenever someone 'likes' an instagram photo...but it doesn't notify you if someone takes back that like. SO! I quickly got a notification that my friend Peter liked my insta...but when I went to check, he was not on the list of people who had liked the photo. BURN ouch. Rejected! PETER! What happened? Did you change your mind? Was this photo not good enough for you?

I'd like to say I didn't care about this but of course I did. I mostly just wanted to ask if this has ever happened to anyone else? Or worse, have you ever accidentally 'liked' a photo or post of someone you don't even know? Like, say, the cousin of a wife of a college friend who you somehow stumbled upon and now you can't stop looking at her artfully staged smoothie photos?

No? Just me? Ok, well, I'll be in jail if anyone is looking for me. You can find me on the restraining order wing...right next to Alec Baldwin's stalker.

This Bar:

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Wait...no, that's not actually a bar!

Here's the tale. Last night I was meeting a media colleague for a few drinks and she picked the location, a bar called Strong Place in the Cobble Hill neighborhood of Brooklyn. I'd never been to this place before, but a quick GMaps search told me where I needed to go - Court Street between Butler and Douglass! - so I skipped on out with wine on the brain.  I came to the spot where the bar was said to be located and sho 'nuf, there in front of me were giant block letters reading STRONG PLACE. On either side of those words it read "Inglesia Bautista" and "Baptist Church," which I found semi-suspicious, but guys, this is Brooklyn, they would turn an old Hispanic Baptist church into a bar. That's about as BROOKLYN as it gets.

The two windows of the "bar" were covered by thick curtains and all of the doors were closed. There were no markings on how to enter.

"How cool!" I thought. "This must be some kind of hip speakeasy! What a trendsetter I am, going to this bar, that everyone thinks is really a church!"

I tried the door to the left, it was locked.

The door on the right: more of the same.

In the middle were two large metal doors with no handle. I tried them.

No dice.

I knocked: nothing.

I paced around, trying to appear casual,  hoping someone else would go in and I could follow. But all other pedestrians just walked on past, paying me no mind.

I didn't have a cell for my drinks date, plus I'd never actually met her before so I didn't want to reveal how utterly uncool I was, unable to gain access to this sexy, mysterious speakeasy, so I did the next best thing: I pulled out my phone and googled "How do I get into the Strong Place bar?"

The search provided ZERO answers to my specific plight, but did pull up the bar's address, 270 Court Street, an even number. I was standing in front of 271 Court, on the other side of the road.

I slowly turned and there, behind me, on the other side of the street, was a completely and utterly normal bar, with lights on and an open door, a tasteful wooden sign displaying the name Strong Place.

I take ZERO blame for this misunderstanding. You can't just name your bar the same thing as something that ALREADY EXISTS! And is right across the mother flipping STREET! Confusing.  I call shenanigans. I bet the owner is named John but calls himself Jack.

The whole world makes no sense!

After a few drinks, I predictably ended up where I always do when I've got a nice buzz on:

This Hot Spot:

20131114_212102

Trader Joe's.

Obvi! I really need to stop drunk grocery shopping.

Though, I was 100% sober earlier in the week when I stopped by the Key Foods in my neighborhood to pick up a few essentials. I had a basket full of  canned beans and ground turkey (3 pound family pack on sale! We'll be eating turkey burgers for the next 73 weeks!) and spotted an open check-out register, so I sidled up to the conveyor belt and began to unload my goods. I then realized that there was actually an organized system, with a line forming behind me and I had not just stumbled upon the good fortune of an empty register: I had butted in line.

Instead of just casually accepting that I am an asshole and powering on ahead, I became SUPER flustered, turned around, apologized to everyone in line and frantically began putting my food back in my basket, screeching "Oh god! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to but in line! Someone else go! You're next! You go! I'm so sorry!"

Everyone in line was normal and polite and waved me off "no, no! It's fine, you carry on, you insane spaz" but I insisted. I grabbed my food in my arms and ran away from the register to the back of the line...

...only to realize that the line had now disbanded - everyone was already being helped at different registers so through all that, I had really not made one iota of difference in the timeliness in which my fellow customers paid for their groceries. We all would have ended up in the same place. I just caused a huge and weird scene for essentially nada.

Par for the course.

(We did this for dinner that night, in case you're curious, with spicy seasoned ground turkey and it was A++. New easy go-to meal for the winter!)

And let's just round out the morning with...

These Animal Droppings:

20131115_085049

On the sidewalk outside of my office. Did I step in them?

And that was my week. Let's just power right on through this Friday, team. We can do it! Anyone have any good weekend plans? I'm having some lady pals over tonight for a Classy Broads evening of whiskey tasting and makeovers (true story!) and tomorrow having dinner with my bffs from college. It should be a pretty girly, boozy, cheese-filled couple of days and I can. not. wait!

Hoping your weekends are all equally delightful and look out for sidewalk poop!

xoxo Dave (that's my new nickname. Because apparently, anything goes!)

 

Another Awkward Week [10.18.13]

Friday! How was everyone's week? I've eaten Thai Green Curry four times and have been listening to a lot of country music. It's getting kind of weird over here. And please forgive me for being MIA last week. Once again I was out of commish due to phone issues and unable to take photos. (And, ok, I'll be honest: I was pretty preoccupied reading wedding blogs.) While waiting for my third and hopefully final replacement phone to arrive from Tmobile, I was working off this sweet cellpiece:

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I would have been the hottest thing in Freshman Year English Lit 101 with this bad boy. Remember when Paris Hilton had a sidekick and it got hacked and she sent all these ridiculous sexts? No, just me? It was a perfectly serviceable phone (Brian actually has one just like it, hah!) but still made life semi awkward - I was able to receive calls and texts but didn't have any numbers saved, so I couldn't recognize anyone who was trying to get in touch with me. And unlike last time I wrote about this, when I predicted (correctly) that no one cared I'd been off the grid for days, people actually wanted to get in touch with me last week. I have never been more popular than the week I got engaged. I might break up with Brian and get some new guy to propose to me, just for the attention.

Jokes, jokes!

I felt like kind of a tool asking everyone who texted me to reveal who they were so I tried to make it into a fun guessing game based on context clues,  for example, what friend with a 717 number would make a joke about me being pregnant? (Hi Jefferson!) - and got most of them right! Some I begged to reveal themselves and some like the nice friend from high school who texted "congrats! See you at the reunion" are still a mystery. Thanks, friend! See you at the reunion? 

But, praise be to Xenu (I'm currently reading this book and considering converting to Scientology), after three replacement phones, two batteries and seven trips to two different TMobile retailers, I fiiinnnally seem to be back in the 21st Century. What a traumatic experience this has been!

Melodramatic much?

And with that, why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Stew:

Stew

I can already tell that this is going to be a stupid story, but no stopping me now. So, I had a can of white beans in the fridge that I had opened maybe a week ago and decided not to use, so they were just chillin' in some off-brand Tupperware, waiting to be eaten. Tuesday night we wanted to make an easy, home-cooked dinner and I figured I'd use up those beaners, so I found this recipe for sausage, kale and white bean stew. Turns out, friends, that the beans had actually gone 100% rancid. Did you know that canned beans, when uncanned and left in poorly sealed plastic containers can go bad and stink up your entire kitchen?

Well, now ya do.

I don't know that the beans would have been that necessary to this recipe anyway, which turned out to basically just be spaghetti sauce in a bowl. Basically, dump two cans of diced tomatoes, some kale and some sausage into a pot. Heat. Eat.

Mmm mmm, meat sauce with a spoon. Not gonna lie: it was amazing.

I'll be expecting my James Beard Award annnny day now.

Speaking of spaghetti sauce...

This Free Sample:

Sample

I had to meet an author for an interview at a studio in Chelsea Market , which is this big old market in ...wait for it...can you possibly guess...the Chelsea neighborhood of Manhattan. I know, crazy, right?  Well! On my way to meet him, I passed a vendor handing out free samples and, you guys, I didn't even look to see what it was, I just heard "free" and "food" and grabbed it like some kind of zoo animal.

It turned out to be some kind of spiral pasta in a tomato sauce - boring, but delicious.

I was chomping away when I came to my elevator bank and, without thinking, hopped on the elevator with the sample still in hand. The author and producer were meeting me on the other side of my ride...what was I going to do, just hop off this elevator holding a half-eaten tub of spaghetti?

I panicked, slurped as much of the sauce as I could out of the container (P.S. there was someone else on the elevator, what!) and frantically dug around my purse for a napkin or tissue of some kind to wrap the garbage in, hopefully saving my bag from being covered in spaghetti sauce. The best I could come up with was this paper receipt...from the TMobile store OBVZ...and it worked like a charm.

And by "worked like a charm," I mean I now have spaghetti sauce all over my tote bag.

Rounding out the meal...

This Mess:

20131017_200628

Later that evening I met a friend for a drink in the neighborhood and while wildly gesticulating during a passionate speech about how I'm going to bribe our landlady into never raising our rent by constantly gifting her with holiday trinkets, I knocked over my glass of rioja, effectively soaking my skirt, coat, tote, purse and scarf.

My new signature scent is "Ladies' Night at The Olive Garden."

This Contraption:

Kitchen Fan

As I've mentioned before, we have a realllly sensitive smoke alarm in our apartment - it has gone off while I'm boiling water. Fact. The only way to get it to shut up while you're cooking it to have someone stand underneath it holding a fan blowing cool air in its direction. Diva much?

We were cooking up some delicious bacon the other night and the smoke alarm was going NUTS, so we came up with this excellent new system which involves one fan in the kitchen, a towel hanging from a pull-up bar creating a sort of curtain/door to block the smoke and a second fan in the hallway, aimed at the alarm.

Stops the alarm from beeping and also creates a truly gorgeous, feng shui layout in our home.

And finally...

This Salt - N - Pepa:

S n P

Just the spices, not the band, I WISH. This past weekend we were in beautiful Cooperstown, NY for the wedding of my good friends Kevin and Jenni. (This is KEVIN! I'll never stop telling this story!) The weeks leading up to the wedding saw me encountering some major bathroom issues (which I won't re-link to, once was MORE than enough to read those stories) and he asked me to make it a hat trick by having some kind of horrible bano related malfunction at his wedding and despite my best efforts...I failed. Kept it classy the whole damn wedding. I'm so sorry, Kevin. I hope you'll forgive me

The best Awkward Moment I can muster from the weekend came earlier in the day - pre-wedding the boys went to the baseball Hall of Fame and the ladies hit up an apple cider farm with a completely baller snack stand. I was not even remotely hungry but immediately zeroed in on a large table of condiments (mustards! hot sauces! dips!) and ordered some sweet potato fries solely so I could have a vessel with which to scoop honey mustard into my face. While saucing up I managed to knock over a container of salt and pepper packets...and then immediately, as if on cue, whipped out my phone to take a picture.

My friends were so lucky to see the OAY live and in action.

Exciting stuff, I KNOW. Sorry I couldn't do better for you, Kevin. I'll make it up to you somehow!

Annnd that's what I've been up to! What's new with y'all? I'm going to say y'all whether anyone likes it or not, just FYI.

Have a fan-freaking-tastic weekend and thank you (again!) for being so enthusiastic and sweet about the engagement stories and for putting up with all that mushy stuff.

xoxoxo Liz Ho

Kevin's wedding salt and pepper.

Another Awkward Week [6.7.13]

Hello, old friends! Have you missed me? I've missed YOU! I am so sorry for being away so long, I was sunning myself on the shores of St. Lucia and just plain lost track of time! Just kidding, I've been here. Working. Like a dawg. Here's a question, what is up with that expression? Except like, sheepdogs and police dogs, do pups actually work THAT hard? I think no. Ok, I guess there are also seeing eye dogs and huskies who have to pull sleds and rescue dogs and Clifford, he's got that sweet mascot gig for Scholastic...so, fine, dogs work hard I guessss. But don't you think there are harder working animals out there we might give a little credit? Lions prowling around on the hunt? Bees making honey. Woodchucks chucking all that wood, could those woodchucks chuck that wood?

Poor woodchucks!

Me, I've been working like some kind of exciting animal, busy with an author in town and that horrendous publishing conference I mentioned, and a bigbigbig launch of a very special book I've been working on that's really been a labor of love for me, you can read the rave New York Times review here. #Humblebrag. No, just #Brag. I've worked hard and I'm proud of myself and the author and the rest of my team and I'm just going to Own. It. Gurl.

Snap, snap, swish.

So that's what's the what on this end of the world! Tell me - what's new with you? Heard any good gossip? Read any good books? Tripped and fell in public? You know I want to hear about it!

Now! Why don't we take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week  these last two weeks, whoooops:

These Galoshes:

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Pictured last roundup in a deep puddle of rain water and this week in the blinding sunshine. Um? Yeah. One of the terrible things about rain is...well, pretty much everything. With the exception of it's role in the growth of new life and how the sound of it hitting a tin roof inspired that one great Norah Jones song, I think we can all agree that there are verrrryyyy few good sides to rain. Am I missing something? But one of the worsticles is when old Sally Rainstorm doesn't hang around all day and you can't get a solid read on what sort of apparel to wear and have to dress for any possibility and end up clomping around in the bright sunshine in your even brighter galoshes.

I need to move to somewhere with a more predictable climate. Any suggestions?

This Bike:

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(The one on the left. My left. Well, everyone's left unless you're someohow viewing this photo from behind the screen, in which case, what are you, a wizard?!)

One of my favorite things about my pal Brian is that he's always up for trying new things and likes to be on the go and explore and have adventures. It keeps me on my toes. He's fun. Last weekend's adventure was a casual 17 mile roundtrip bike ride to Coney Island. It was a delightful little jaunt but possibly a little advanced for me, who's only just hopped back into the biking life. It turns out I live on top of a gigantic mountain that is so steep, it is basically just a 90 degree angle right into the air. TRUTH. My 'hood is called Crown Heights and I've just realized, the hard way, where they got that "Heights" from.

B & I biked most of the way back together, but parted ways at the end of our trip, me to my home, he to his, leaving me at the bottom of  this Mount Vesuvius of a hill. I, of course, chose the busiest street possible to ride up and, you guys, I thought this was going to be the end for me, I really did.

I stopped four times on the ride up to catch my breath, dreaming of the water bottle I'd left in Brian's backpack. I could have easily dismounted and walked my bike up the hill on the sidewalk but GOD DAMN IT, I had not rode this far to quit. And plus, I thought it would be more embarrassing to be seen walking my bike than to be seen stopped dead in the middle of a busy road,  hunched over the handlebars, panting for mercy and oxygen, as cars swerved around me.

Don't worry, I made it home, alive! Was it worth it? Aaaabsolutely not.

These Lanes:

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As should surprise zero percent of my readership, I am terrrrrible at bowling. A bunch of my pals and I hit the lanes the other weekend to entertain ourselves during a rainstorm and played two rounds of girls v boys. In an epic blow to feminism the girls team lost.

Both times.

I contributed a career high of 86 total points. Out of a possible 600.

I'm considering going pro.

This Sunburn:

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Just ignore my weird Harlequin Romance Novel pose and focus on the red and white racing stripes on my seductively bared shoulder. I'm diligent about sunscreen but every year manage to bust out at least one or two pretty solidly idiotic burns. Got this year's first one in before Memorial Day Weekend even came to a close. Summer is off to a great start, kids!

This Coconut Oil:

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My coconut oil above...and what it's supposed to look like:

(via theKitchn)

Ok, so, here's the story. As you knowwww I've been on a bit of a health food jag of late and all of the clean eating blogs I lurve are all UP ON coconut oil. So clearly when I saw it on sale at the Teej, I knew I had to have it. The thing is, I find it utterly grotesque to look upon. Unlike other oils which are liquidy and yummy looking, this stuff looks like lard in a jar and smells like Banana Boat.

Apparently there are all SORTS of benefits like it has no cholesterol and can be used as a hair conditioner or body moisturizer or even a healthy and natural sexual lubricant.   Brian and I did NOT test this theory out (or did we?) (we didn't!) but we have made zillions of jokes like "let's put on a little Barry White, light some candles, pour some wine...pop open that coconut oil...and just see where the night goes."

Really clever stuff over here. We need to get out more.

Anywhoo, really dumb story extra long and extra dumb: I finally got up the nerve to test out my C.O. last evening not as a food product but as a moisturizer for my dry feet (why do I feel the need to share these things?!), but when I went to the cabinet, it had somehow transformed from a thick, creamy, white substance (no one say TWSS, plz) into this weird, thin, clear liquid.

Did it melt?? Did someone eat all my coconut butter and replace it with water like cool kids would do with their parents' liquor while I was busy at home watching Touched by an Angel with my mom?! I will never ever know because I am too afraid to open the jar.

Gross.

Here's why I'm sharing this, though. Last time I had a food related mishap, with that fresh mango, my beautiful friend Mallory, who is adorable and lives in Mexico and has a truly fabulous life, dedicated a whole post on her blog to cutting and preparing fresh mangoes. So now I can do it right! What a pal!

So, I'm kind of hoping one of you delightful gems out there might clue me in on this whole coconut oil mystery. Why is it so great? And how do I use it? Is it supposed to turn clear like that?

Or, alternately, if one of you has a great story about at time you used coconut butter or any other sort of butter as a sexual lubricant, well, you KNOWWWWWWWW I'd love to hear about it.

And on that note, I'm out! I hope everyone has a most splendid weekend full of sunshine and butterflies and incorporating health foods into your lovemaking.

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [4.12.13]

Happy Friday, my ducks! (Ducks? Ducks!) This week was SO good. Spring has finally sprung and I think the sunshine and warm weather and a few glasses of sauvignon blanc on a sunny patio was just what the doctor ordered to whisk away any remains of my winter doldrums.  I'm back, baby! I'm not even that bummed by today's torrential downpour because I finally get to tell my VERY BEST joke that I save up and break out once a year on the first rainy day of April.

Is everyone ready for this? Hold onto your hats, it's a good one...

April Showers Bring May Flowers, but What Do May Flowers Bring???

Answer in the comments and I'll select one correct jokester at random to win a prize! The prize is a secret and could range anywhere from me mentioning your name in a post next week OR me sending you a bust of my head made of one million Sacajawea dollars, so you probably want to just gamble on it and take a guess.

But don't rush into it, this is some pretttty sophisticated humor and might take a while to land.

Aaaand on that note, let's see what else was keeping it awkward this sunny, beauteous, Aprilicious, Springalingadingdonging week:

This Banana:

banana

I've been making a lot of smoothies lately because they are a healthy, delicious, relatively easy treat that my body seems able to digest. I kept using regular bananas as a base, but read online that frozen bananas really take smoothies to the next level, so I tossed a nanner in the freezer and it came out this horrible grey-ish brown color and ROCK SOLID. It took me at least 15 minutes, using our sharpest knife, to saw through the peel and try to salvage some of the banana meat for a smoothie that ended up tasting no better, at all, than my regular mix.

And incidentally, my smoothies have been looking a lot like what I'm trying to prevent with all this clean eating:

smoothie

But they taste really good, I swear! My fave recipe: one NON FROZEN banana, handful of frozen blueberries, handful of frozen strawberries, handful of spinach, dollop of almond butter, 1/2 cup of almond milk and some water as needed, blend away until smooth and drink up! And if you really want to get fancy you can add some chia seeds which are the trendy new superfood, according to the internet, and I am obsessed with superfoods, even if they are the base of chia pets.

One of the articles I read about chia seeds gave a warning that, good as chia seed are, people should NOT eat their chia pets. AWW. People are so dumb!

These Pants:

lotion pants

Which I laid out on my bed to put on yesterday and then promptly managed to get lotion all over the butt.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? I am not exaggerating when I say that I have to change my clothes at least once a week before I even leave for work, because I can not get out of the house without first covering myself in food, cosmetics, lotions or other products that usually leave vaguely sexual stains all over the clean outfit I just put on four minutes ago.

I am like a toddler. Just once I would like to make it five days in a row without requiring an outfit change, is that too much to ask??? I don't know why I'm getting so irate - who am I yelling at, besides myself, the only person to blame for all of my stained clothes? God?

Are you there, god, it's me, Liz, stop spilling stuff all over my jeggings!!

Phew, that feels better.

This Salad:

salad

Mixed greens with artichoke hearts, olives and...yum, cardboard!

My latest cleanse: only eat corrugated paper products.

OBVIOUSLY I threw the c-board away and finished the rest of the salad because a) I'm disgusting and b) that shit cost TEN DOLLARS AND EIGHTY THREE CENTS. For a bowl of vegetables. It would take like, an entire severed human arm popping up in my lunch for me to throw it away after dropping that kind of dough.

This Bookshelf:

glasses

Mine, in my boudoir  where the magic happens. I try to keep things generally tidy in my home and I am practically perfect in every way, except one, which is that I am a notorious cup hoarder. Once a week or so my roommates will go into the cupboard to grab a drinking implement and find the cabinet empty and they'll know exactly where alllllll of the cups are: in my bedroom. Every time a glass or mug goes in there, it never comes out again, until we're forced to drink out of empty jars and I finally lug my dirty half-full water glasses and mugs of tea and things back into the kitchen, usually requiring multiple trips.

I was worse in college, when I was at the peak of my laziness/messiness/liquid consumption. I reached my record one day when we counted and I had thirteen cups with varying levels of old liquid in them including like a 7-11 big gulp, a plastic margarita glass, five wine glasses, three coffee mugs and so forth. Gross? Gross!

I can't help it. It is my weakness. Now I usually just let myself get to approximately five cups or so, before bringing them back in. Usually they're scattered about the room between the bookshelf and the desk and the bedside table, but the other morning I realized that every bare surface on my bookshelf was covered with a dirty cup.  Whoopsicles!

These Ankle Boots:

booties

Aren't they cute? They're Steve Madden and were originally over $100 but I got them for $45 at Loehman's, cha-ching! It took me literally 11 tries to get a photo of them that came out halfway decently - at first  I tried them on their own but they just looked like weird disembodied Wizard of Oz witch shoes (minus the cute glitter) so then I put them on my feet and couldn't get a good angle and had to turn the flash on and it was a whole thingggg and I REALLY should not have gone to all that effort to tell you what I'm about to tell you, which I should probably tell no one but I have no filter whatsoever, so I'm doing it:

These boots make my feet smell.

Big whoop, you say? Everyone's feet smell! (Except Kate Middleton's!) Well hold your horses and let me go on (no, stop me!):

These boots make my feet smell like corn chips.

HAHA isn't that gross?? For whatever reason, every time I take these shoesies off my feetsies the insides of the shoes and my feet smell EXACTLY like a bag of Fritos and I am not even joking. It is the weirdest, grossest thing ever.

Annnnd isn't your life better now that you know this information? I think I may have just crossed the overshare line into a bad place, one I can never return from.

You're welcome!

And for bonus fun, here is a photo of me this morning, modeling my Frito Boots (future band name, I call dibs!) for a blog photo:

robe

Just GLAMOUR 24/7 up in the Liz Ho household.

And how was YOUR week?? Spill anything on your favorite pants? Rock ankle boots with a hot robe? Eat any good smoothies? As always, I'd love to hear from you.

Have a delightfully awkward weekend - get out and enjoy that spring weather! Unless you live in the snowy, icy Midwest in which case yikes, sorry guys. Hang in there!

Peace, love and corn chips,

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [3.29.13]

Happy Friday! The very BEST Friday, if you're down with JC. Have you missed me? I've missed YOU! I was such a Busy Betsy this week, it was unreal. You know, I could have been an actual Busy Betsy, had things been different in my life. When I was in the fourth grade (never forget), I went through this phase where every week I tested out a different version of my name, Elizabeth, on my school papers. I'd sign them Lizzie one week, Beth the next, Betsy, Ellie, even Betty until finally my teacher pulled me aside and said that, while she admired my creativity and search for identity, could I stick with just one name in the classroom, for consistency's sake. And so I stuck with Liz.

Can you imagine? I wonder how my life would have been any different if I chose something else. I feel like Liz is very suited to me - kind of spunky and that 'Z' is pretty wacky - Liz! But what if I was like, Beth. Beth Ho. HA! I can't even imagine such a person. I've always assumed all Beths to be very quiet and serene and responsible and kind, almost 100% because of Beth from Little Women (seriously never forget!). Do you think  if I had stuck with Beth in 1994 that today I would be like, a peaceful kindergarten teacher with two kids, a responsible husband, a 401K and a love for knitting?

Wellllll, I guess we'll never know! #philosophy.

Aren't you glad you're stuck with me instead?! Let's see what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Coffee Shop

If you'll recall, I first shared a photo a few weeks back about a new coffee shop in my neighborhood who apparently had named their cafe Nouvelle Vag:

vag

Now, I don't know what "Vag" might mean in foreign nations, but here in America, where we speak American, that word stands for vagina. So, was this coffee shop intending to brand itself  Cafe New Vagina?

Well I guess they caught on because this was their sign when I passed by a few nights ago:

20130326_201603

 

Reallll smooth, dudes. No one will notice that "ue" is in a different font size AND color, is clearly a sticker instead of painted on or that the word 'Brooklyn' randomly pops up in the middle of the word. Keep on keepin' on Cafe' Vague Vagina. You're doing great.

This Egg:

20130328_075839

One morning this week I was hard boiling an egg and forgot about it and managed to set off our always delicate fire alarm in the process. I didn't want to throw out a rotten egg in our apartment and had just put in a fresh trash bag the night before - I wasn't about to waste a clean empty T-bag, those things cost like 79 bucks a pop - so I decided to just carry the rotten egg in my hand and throw it out  in a trash can on the street. After I styled it for this photo, obvi. Of course the first can I found on my walk to the subway was literally at the subway, four blocks away, so I was just walkin' along for blocks and blocks, gently clutching an overcooked egg.

NORMAL.

One of These:

 

tamps

Yes, boyz, those are tampons. (I actually uploaded this photo last night for some reason and saved as a draft, so when I came back to write this AM I had a post saved that was just a photo of a box of Tampax with the caption "blah blah tampons!" I should have just hit publish right then and there.)

 So, I am blessed enough to be experiencing my special monthly magical lady time this week, which is always a real treat. I strive to be a pretty body positive feminist so I know I'm supposed to view all this intrauterine bullshit as a sign of my beautiful fertility and strength  and uniquely feminine powers but I'm sorry, no. It is disgusting and uncomfortable and just plain the WORST. Ever a master theologian, I once said that I know there is a God because of French Fries (uhh, it makes sense in my head) and the reason I know that god is a man is because of this whole menstrual fallopian vaginal scene. Do you REALLY think that if god were a woman she would have stuck her own peeps on earth with all this grotesquerie? And pregnancy and childbirth? I mean! I've never been there, and I'm sure it is a blessed and powerful and beautiful thing and I'll change my tune when the time comes but as someone looking on, that looks like a nightmare. A pure torture hell Saw IV Human Centipede nightmare. Hormonal changes and you can't drink wine and you have to carry around a gigantic human being inside of your own body and then somehow push that human out of your own Cafe Nouvelle Vag and then struggle to lose the baby weight and postpartum depression and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh horrifying. Why would a woman god subject her kind to that sort of terror? MEANWHILE what in this whole lifetime process of periods and pregnancy and the whole 9 does a MAN have to do to procreate? Oh, right: have an orgasm. Rough stuff, dudes. That's not even close to a fair trade.

So yeah, pretty sure god is a man and maybe kiiiind of a jerk sometimes.

Um, ANYWAY, wouldn't it be neat if just one time I sat down and wrote something that didn't turn into a 750 million word tangent about my bizarre philosophies?

Tuesday of this week I had a straight up Seventeen Magazine Traumarama Moment. I had thrown a bunch of tamps in my purse as I was running out the door. Rushing down the steps into the subway station, I reached into my bag to grab my wallet and in pulling that out I also managed to fling a rogue tampon down the steps. I stooped to pick it up but just before I could a guy stepped on it. He realized he had stepped on something and that I was going to pick it up so HE too stooped, to pick it up for me, what a gentleman,and then he realized it was a tampon and we both just kind of locked eyes and I was like "oh, that's mine" (obviously) and stuck out my hand and picked up my stray period plug and he ran away.

As a grown ass lady I should have found this less embarrassing than a 14-year-old in gym class but nope: still awkward.

This Mess:

20130324_170851

So I've been working on a whole long post about my various strange food diets over the last few weeks - I know you've all been obsessively refreshing your internet browsers just dying to hear what's going on in my large intestine - but have not had the time to sit down and focus. Mostly because I've been cooking up a storm. I'm doing a two week cleanse to reset my system, which sounds hippieish and is and I like it, so sue me, wherein I do not consume soy, dairy, gluten, corn, peanuts artificial sweeteners orrrr alcohol. OK I've totally cheated on the booze thing once already but the food stuff I'm doing GREAT! I've been cooking a lot of my own food to make sure I'm always stocked with healthy snacks and meals even on the go. It's actually super fun and I feel like I'm doing great things for my body. Go me.

One day this week I decided I'd whip up a big batch of homemade hummus. I've always maintained (and, uh, still do) that hummus is just one of those foods that tastes better store bought, but making at home I could know all of the ingredients and avoid any gross chemicals and preservatives, so I got my Sabra on right in the comfort of my own kitchen, using this recipe.

First I tried chopping the garlic in my little food processor, but it wasn't getting it small enough, so I decided I'd transfer over to our large blender instead. So I unplugged the food processor, plugged in the blender, dumped all of the ingredients in there, and hit start. Unfortunately the blender blades were having a really hard time mushing up the chick peas, so I attempted to move the process along by occasionally jabbing a spatula down in there to get the unmashed garbanzos closer to the blades. It's ALWAYS a great idea to shove things willy-nilly at sharp blades. Always.

The spatula hit the blade which caused a chain reaction of things flying out of the blender, including one chick pea which burst out and literally hit me right smack dab in the middle of the forehead.

20130324_170811

Literally.

Incredibly sexy. I then had to re-transfer the hummus ingredients BACK to the original food processor where they whipped up into a so-so batch of hummus that was not near as delicious as store bought hummus and 100% not worth the 42 minutes of cooking time followed by an additional 42 minutes of dish, kitchen and face washing time.

I've also been drinking a lot of homemade green juice which has basically nothing to do with this story, aside from the fact that it's part of this whole cleanse, but it's really a trendy thing to do these days so I just wanted to show off to the world.

20130329_092314

This includes kale, romaine lettuce, spinach, parsley, green apples, ginger, celery and lemon. I am a Green Goddess.

It's OK to be jealous.

And that is THAT! My week. Well that + tons of work + work related evening appointments every single night + laundry + errands + a while lotta other stuff that has me feeling exhaustified. Luckily I took today off, holla! Brian and I are headed to Philly to visit our sisters and have Easter brunch with his parents. It should be a nice little getaway and there is a 150 billion percent chance that I will cheat on my cleanse the moment I am faced with a peanut butter egg or any sort of fermented grape product.

Happy weekend to all of you! I hope your Easter baskets are stuffed with goodies or if you are Jewish, your Passover whatevers are stuffed with lots of ...unleavened bread? Or basically everyone have a beautiful weekend with appropriate celebrations related to their own religion, culture or lack thereof.

xoxo Beth Ho

Nope. Would never work!

Another Awkward Week [3.22.13]

Helllooooo my friends and Happy Spring! I mean, yes it snowed yesterday and is was sub-freezing when I woke up this morning and I still maintain that March is the ficklest of all bitches, but you know what: it's Friday, the sun is shining, I'm sipping a delicious glass of Emergen-C and life is pretty good. I'll take it. But good of course does not mean smooth and normal so why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Shopping Basket:

shopping basket

See how you can see the sidewalk and the great outdoors in the background? Yeaaaah. Over lunch one day this week I went to the drug store by my office to stock up on some goodz, paid, walked out of the store, back to my office, got into the elevator, spotted my reflection in the mirrored doors, thought One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other and realized I'd carried the shopping basket right out of the store.

Whoops!

Is what I said outloud and a stranger riding up with me replied "yeah, I was wondering what was up with that."

Uh, thanks buddy!

So then I had to get off at my floor, stand in the elevator bank with my shopping basket and wait for a down elevator so I could ca-reeep back to the store and return the basket.

Smooth.

This Manicure:

manicure

Notice anything?

Tuesday night I decided to paint my nails - I did my left hand just fine but then decided I was tired and hungry and I needed my right hand to eat food, so I'd just do the other hand in the morning. Of course I overslept and showed up for work the next day with half a manicure.

It's the hot new look for spring, you saw it here first!

(I'm wearing Charismatic by Revlon, just in case anyone is curious about my personal style and wants to run right out and buy it. Or Revlon wants to give me some sort of endorsement deal. )

This Whole Thing:

salad dryer

Basically, guys, I'm a genius.

We have either a very smoldery oven or a very sensitive fire alarm or a little of both. Every time we cook or bake anything the alarm goes off, so we have to set up this elaborate system of fans and open windows unless we want the alarm to go off for the entire time we're cooking. One night this week I was baking some dairy free, sugar free, whole wheat zucchini muffins because I am a holistic domestic goddess, and while they were in the oven I was prepping a salad for dinner. I washed the lettuce and then came up with the brilliant idea to use the fan to dry the leaves, since I broke my salad spinner months ago.

Isn't this the smartest thing you've ever seen?

Don't worry, there are plates under there, I didn't just throw my food down on the ground.

Though, the fan was probably blowing all sorts of kitchen dirt all over my fresh, clean lettuce but whatever. I stand by it.

DOMESTIC GODDESS!

This Shirt:

saucy

I went to a St. Patrick's Day party last weekend and it was basically as classy as you'd imagine. I've been really, really good about sticking to my healthy eating plans, while I'm trying to diagnose my gross bowel issues (the latest = no soy, dairy or alcohol, my life is the saddest), but if there is one thing in this world that I am powerless to resist, aside from French onion dip...and peanut M&M's...and brie cheese...and Diet Coke...and cheese fries...and ok, leave me alone, I know I have gross eating habits and no willpower...but aside from all of those things and many more, the one thing that I MOST can't resist is buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing. Sweet Mother Mary I LOVE BUFFALO WINGS. It is Pavlovian. Just the smell sets my mouth watering until I'm overcome with a desire to feast upon greasy, spicy wings covered in creamy blue cheese dressing.

Just typing this I'm starting to sweat with desire!

So of course when I walked into the bar on St. Patrick's Day and a friend ordered a few plates of wings, I had to completely abandon any sort of clean eating plan I was on and dive in headfirst. Was it worth it? HELLZ YEAH.

The thing is, wings are a messy, messy food. I already have a complete inability to eat anything without having it somehow all over my face and body so hand me a buffalo wing and suddenly I am literally covered in sauce. Covered.  My friends find great joy in eating wings with me and then taking photos of the results. Above: a mess all over my shirt. Below, a classic photo from someone's graduation party:

wings

Have you ever been more turned on in your entire life?

Aaand on that note, I'm out!

What is everyone up to this weekend? It's a pretty quiet one for me. I have to go to a work event tonight (#ugh) and might meet some girlfriends for breakfast tomorrow but otherwise I'm hoping to be sort of productive and who knows what. I mean, I can't have wine OR cheese so like, what else is there to do on a weekend?

And don't say like, 'go to a museum!" "do a craft!" "write letters to loved ones" because I KNOWWWWW there are things in life that are "fun" but don't involve booze and dairy products but are they "fun," really? Really? REALLY?

So basically, I'm asking you all for a favor: please spend the weekend heavily imbibing on delicious adult beverages and grilled cheese. Maybe dip your grilled cheese into your wine instead of tomato soup?

Think about it! Could be good!

Just try it, for me?

Happy weekend!

xoxo Liz Ho

 

Another Awkward Week [2.15.13]

Good morning, my beloveds! Did everyone have a nice Valentines Day? I wore red pants to work (the second time this week I wore those pants, shhhh) and invented a new VDay tradition that I am pretty excited about. I wanted to do something cute for my co-workers, since I am now the face and voice and body of Valentines Day Positivity, so I was trying to think of fun ideas. Everyone does candy and cupcakes and sweets and I don't have enough money to buy diamonds or roses for all of my work buds, so I thought, what do I love most of all in this world? Easy. Chips and dip!

So I invited a few of my colleagues to join me for a mid-afternoon snack break in my office "resplendent with chips, dip and romance."

dip

We ate our faces off, watched Justin Timberlake videos and listened to the Bodyguard Soundtrack.

Now THAT is love, my friends.

Speaking of romantic, last night Brian and I did prettttty much what we do every night,  just with slightly more elaborate food and better underwear (sorry Mom). My gift to him was a home cooked chicken pot pie, something he'd been craving lately, and it was delicious. To really make things special I also wrote a romantic love poem about our meal:

pot pie

A regular John Keats over here!

I thought of this dumb rhyme like two weeks ago and have been just laughing about it ever since. I slay myself. Good God, I am hilarious.

And that was my Valentine's Day! Here's what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Backpack:

laundry bag

This is my laundry bag, overflowing as always. I have to go to a laundry mat (laundromat? is that actually a word?) up the street from my apartment and always look REALLY cool strutting through the neighborhood with this pack on  my back. This weekend I took a haul of dirty clothes and on my way to the laundrymat (Laundroplace?) I decided to stop into a bodega to get some juice which of course ended with me slamming this gigantic backpack of filthy clothes into the shelves and knocking over a few boxes of food and then I just ran out of the store without buying any juice because there was really no way I could make this situation work for me.

I can never go back there again.

Related: I would seriously chop off a limb to have laundry in my building. Just in my building! I don't even need it inside my own apartment, just somewhere that does not require me to strap on this beast and walk around town.

New York, I love you, but you suck so hard sometimes.

This Coffee Shop:vagAm I crazy, or does that say "Vag"?

This Mug:

mug

I bought it at Marshall's earlier this week on my lunch break (Treat Yo Self) and think it is just the cutest.  I came back from my errands and filled a different cup with emergen-c, because I am an addict, and was sitting there, drinking my vitamins and catching up on my emails and thought "oh, while I'm sitting here, I'll peel the price sticker off of the bottom of my mug, so I can use it later," so I picked up my mug and turned it upside down, except WHOOPS I picked up the wrong cup, the one filled with emergen-c, and poured it all over my desk and pants.

spotted pants

Attractive.

And yes, I was wearing jeans to the office. I might be a lazy slob, but here's what happens when I try to look cute:

These Tights:

tights

Riddled with holes. I was beyond proud of myself on Monday, I wore a dress and HEELS to the office. Heels, you guys. High heels. Like a grown ass classy lady. Only I looked down partway through the day to realize that I had gigantic runs and holes creeping up my legs. I give up!

And that was my week! One fun thing about doing these weekly roundups, aside from the attention, obviously, is that I've started to notice some defining patterns in my life. I think if you had to sum up the three main themes in my One Awkward Life they would be Ripped Clothing, Pantyhose and Spilling Things On My Desk.

What would define YOUR life??

Everyone have a splendiforous weekend - a 3 day weekend for me, Holla George Washington!, and keep that VDay love alive!

xo Liz Ho

As I Lay Dying, or One Awkward Home Remedy

My friends, I must ask for forgiveness if I'm missing a bit of my usual joie de vivre  this week, I am dying. Just kidding, I'm fine but I do have either the flu OR a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or a cold. Or Dengue Fever. Or I just need to catch up on sleep. So many things are wrong with me, who even knows what's up. It's just, the last few days I have been so tired.The sleepiest of sleepy bears. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sit on the couch and SLEEP.

The whole of last weekend I was down for the count. On Friday night, Brian and I went to bed at 10 PM. And I don't mean "went to bed," wink, high five, I mean flannel pajamas, lights out, low five, I can't lift my arm because I am sleeping went to bed. Saturday I was so low energy I could barely make it through dinner - we were at a BBQ restaurant in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Park Slope called Pork Slope and I nearly passed out in my brisket. Clearly something is amiss if I can't enjoy myself at a joint whose schtick is pork and puns.  This bout of intense lethargy and exhaustion followed me into the work week, and yesterday I went home early to try to sleep it off.

I'm really, really hoping this is just a bit of a sleepy streak and nothing more serious (the killer flu is still on the loose!) but just in case, I'm fighting disease with nature.

Something I've been weirdly into lately is homeopathic remedies. I know that's really very trendy and faddish right now, but I'm into it. I like to imagine I'm giving myself the same herbal cures that Ma Ingalls might have prescribed to the girls. Which I guess didn't really work out that well for them, Mary did go blind after all, but so be it. I'm livin' natural, my friends.  My method is no method, which is to say that I don't really follow one prescriptive theory or anything. First I just self diagnose on WebMD and then I search around for home cures for whatever aliment it is I think I've developed and try whichever ones seem most popular and/or interesting. I've been drinking a lot of apple cider vinegar. This afternoon I put hydrogen peroxide in my ears and walked around with my head sideways so it wouldn't drip out. Is any of it working? Probably not, but it makes me feel like a really hip, bad ass, disease fighting super hero.

My newest concoction is this immune boosting juice that I created by taking all of the most frequently recommended items that result from the Google search "Foods To Prevent The Flu" and whipping them up into one delightful treat.

20130204_193420

Hot water, lemon, honey, ginger, garlic and cayenne pepper.

It is disgusting! But in a really awesome, zesty, sinus-clearing way. It's simple to make: in my food processor I combine two peeled garlic cloves, a bit of peeled, fresh ginger, a few shakes of the cayenne and the juice from one lemon and then I crush it all up. My FP only has two functions and doesn't really liquify things, so the garlic and ginger just get kind of chunky, and then I pour into a cup of steaming water, squeeze in some honey until it becomes a really nice yellowish, brownish, snot-like color and voila. Hot, chunky garlic juice. Drink away! It is 100% unappetizing but I do feel slightly better today so who knows. Maybe it worked. Or maybe it was the 14 hours of sleep I logged. Or a combo. I'll go with combo.

Worship me, I am a healer!

And that's that. I'm sorry this isn't terribly funny, but I just knew you all were desperate for a peek into my glamorous and sexy life, so here's what's up! Sittin' on my couch, drinkin' my chunky flu juice, like a boss. YOLO.

Another Awkward Week [2.1.13]

Oh my god, you guys. 30 Rock is over. My life IS OVER. Just kidding, we still have Netflix and I personally would rather see a show do 6 outstanding seasons before coming to a cohesive, meaningful end while they're still on top, rather than skidding along, a ghost of their former greatness ala the US Office or How I Met Your Mother. Do I care way too much about television? How DARE YOU imply such a thing.

So yes, last night was sad and I'll miss my cast and crew of TGS but life will move on. And when I'm sad, I can always dress up in my Liz Lemon costume and drown my sorrows with sandwiches and off brand cheese puffs:

lizlemon

I spilled sandwich all down the front of my shirt directly after this photo was taken. As true a tribute to Liz Lemon as could ever be imagined.

I went above and beyond prepping food for this party and am now considering a side job where I plan and host TV theme parties. I'm only 12% joking. Would you like to hire me?

Below are a few snaps of the excellent feast I whippped up, and do note this will probably not make sense to you unless you're a 30 Rock fanatic, in which case you can go ahead and scroll to the next segment of the blog,  using that scrolling time to reevaluate your priorities and life choices.

30 rock food

Night Cheese, D'Fwine, Hayum, Teamster Sandwiches and the higlight of the meal: cheesy blasters. And how do you make a Cheesy Blaster, you ask? I'll let Liz explain:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1W8R5TSNNk]

And that's exactly what we did! Using this helpful recipe here, I took some hot dogs, stuffed them with some jack cheese, wrapped them in a pizza and we had cheesy blasters.

cheesy blasterThanks Meat Cat!

And I'm not even for one second going to pretend they weren't the greatest thing I've ever eaten. See what you're missing, vegans!

And that was my Lemon Party. A delight it was. Now let's leave 30 Rock in our rearview mirror and move on. Here's what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Chicken Foot:

chicken foot

Because it is a chicken foot and it is just lying (laying? help!) on the floor of the subway. Grotesque. If you were to ask me what I love most about living in NYC I would respond "EVERYTHING!" But then if you were to ask what I hated most, I would say "except rent and chicken feet."

This Hole:

rippppppp

Because it is in my favorite pants and yes that is a picture of my crotch. You're welcome, Mom! She's so proud.

These black stretch jeggings from The Gap were my favorite pair of pants, bar none. I wore them a minimum of four times a week without shame. I look amazing in these pants. They're also about as close to pajamas as you could possibly get without actually wearing Pajama Jeans.

Well, they are no more. Last Saturday I wore these to a Crafting Party at a girlfriend's house (details on THAT to come next week!) and then went immediately out to a nearby restaurant to meet another friend for her birthday dinner. While gathering my things to head to dinner, my crafty friend asked "what do you have between your legs?" The answer, it turned out was absolutely nothing. Just air floating through a gigantic rip just three inches south of my babymaker.

I had two options: go home or find some other pants I could wear out to dinner. My host rummaged up a pair of black leggings that I thought I could rock solo, until someone pointed out that they were completely sheer and sporting a solid control top.

Tights are not pants, girls.

I managed to get my ripped pants on over top of the tights and in the dark of night it was hard to tell what a mess I was but oh, I still knew. Last week sweaters, this week pants.

I could not be classier.

And that's that. A short list, I know but I kind of had my hands full cheese shopping, so please forgive me!

And how was your week? Did you bare your hooty ha for all the world to see? Weep over a comedy TV show? Stuff a hot dog with anything fancy? You know I'd love to hear it.

Anything big planned for the weekend, too? I am going to be a Productive Pamela. I'm going to write (!), file my taxes, go to yoga, go to Trader Joe's and then I guess watch the Beyonce Bowl. I probably won't accomplish half of what I'm setting out to but I'm hoping that by putting my intentions out for the whole internet to see, I will feel guilted into getting shit done lest 'ye judge me lazy. Let's see if it works!

Ok, I'm outta here. Happy weekend, nerds!

xo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [11.16.12]

It's Friday! I'm in a bad mood. Why? I can't say, my friends, I just can't say. Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you feel like a cranky witch who just wants to go back to bed. Let's try to turn this frown upside down with some jokes! Here’s what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Drivers License:

Because it's the same expired! license I travelled all the way to Pennsylvania to renew last weekend! Did you know that in Pennsylvania the DMV is open until 8 PM Monday through Friday but there is a separate office where you have to go get your photo taken, because THAT makes sense. The office is next door to the DMV and closes at 4:30 PM. I got into PA a little after 5, rushed to the DMV, looked like a fool and left. I can't even begin to go into the millions of things that are whack with this system. I may be a disorganized mess but even I could run the DMV better than those fools are doing it. Pennsylvania, get your shit together! Soooo now my license is expired, the temporary license they sent me is expired, my passport is also expired for unrelated reasons and I'm basically an undocumented citizen. WHOOPS my bad!

That's kind of a cute picture, though right? God, I'm good looking.

This Notebook: 

Because it's a lot more graphic than the cutesy title might suggest. I have what you might call a sensitive stomach and a family history of gross gastrointestinal diseases so have finally decided to take control of my health and figure out what's wrong with me. First step: documenting everything that goes into my body ...and everything that comes out. You do NOT want to know what happened at 11:45 this morning, you guys. Trust me. I hope if I ever die a young, tragic death that this is published and becomes a world wide bestselling phenomenon. Like Anne Frank but with less Nazis and more chronic gas.

This Facebook Profile: 

Because it's so sad and lonely. I've realized that, in the sporadic instances when I do actually write here, the best way to get traffic and share my blog is via my facebook page. Since I'm at least pretending to take this whole blogging thing more seriously I decided to create a blog specific page so I can further spread the good news about how great I am and also not bog down my personal facebook timeline with blog updates. But there's a flaw in the system and I can't for the life of me link this blog to that facebook. Who knows what's going on. I'll fix it! For now, do feel free to "like" me on facebook, I promise I'll figure it out soon! Clearly I'm super tech savvy - as you can see I had to google "how to take a screenshot" to even make this possible. Baby steps, you guys. Baby Steps.

Speaking of babies...

This Photo: 

Because I have no idea who that child is, but I've been carrying her photo in my purse for over a month. WEIRD. It fell out of a used book I bought at The Strand (A Family History by Dani Shapiro HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!) and I put it in my purse for safekeeping and I guess I never took it out. Is that creepy? It feels a little creepy. But I feel bad throwing it out. What if this is some kind of Face on the Milk Carton situation and I was destined to find that photo and now I have to go rescue this girl from some kidnappers or something? That's definitely a likely scenario so for now I'll just hang onto this...

And there you have it, folks! A few anecdotes and images from my week. How was yours? Gearing up for Thanksgiving? I can't wait to EAT! I feel like this holiday is going to give me a lot of great fodder for my food and poop journal, coming soon to a bookstore near you!

EW!

xoxo Liz

Snack Break Dispatches: The Yogurt Diaries

Guys. Serious discussion time. I have some questions about yogurt.

We Need To Talk About Yogurt, starring Academy Award-Winner Tilda Swinton.

What is up with this stuff? Does anyone actually like yogurt? CRAVE it. I mean sure it tastes nice and it stops hunger and you can feel good about eating it because it is low fat and works miracles in your intestines and ladyparts  but are there any living people who are like, excited to eat yogurt?

"God I could KILL for some fruit-on-the-bottom right about now."

"It's yogurt day in the school cafeteria!"

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is yogurt!

Love,

No one

Blergh, this stuff's the worst. I eat it every flipping day, under the pretense of healthy living. It may be helping me improve my rockin bod but it also seems to be driving me into a wildly unhinged mental state.

So seriously: does anyone out there really, really, really love yogurt?