A Rant, A List, A Brand New Week

Hey everybody! How was your weekend?! Mine, although lovely, was not exactly what I had planned. Remember the Pittsburgh wedding I was oh-so-excited to attend? Well, that didn't happen. I mean...it happened, they are now happily married, yay, but I was not there so, you know. Trees falling in forests and all that. Just kidding! I know that life goes on even when I am not there, I'm not thaaaat vain. (Or am I?!!) Friday was a drab and rainy day all up and down the east coast, but it was by no means Hurricane Sandy Reincarnate so I was mildly frustrated but not super surprised when I received an email Friday afternoon telling me that my 8 PM flight had been pushed to 9:30. I then received a voice mail informing me it had been pushed back yet again, this time to 10:30, but don't you worry, we're still doing everything we can to get back on schedule! In one bit of actual levity for the evening, the voice mail was one of those automated services and I guess they had some confusion over the way my name was written on my ID. The message combined my first name (Elizabeth) and middle initial (M), announcing "Hello. This is a message for Alizabatham HoHENadell." HA!

I remained calm and unflustered, used the newfound free time to take public transportation to the airport instead of blowing $50 on a taxi, went through security, found my gate, bought a $400 Cesar salad, found a plug to charge my cell phone, which was at a precarious 8% battery life, and cracked open my book, when the phone rang once again.

"Hello Alizabatham HoHENadell, your flight is cancelled."

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. WHAT.

I frantically ran around the airport to find the US Airways help desk, while dialing their customer support on my cell phone, now elevated to just 11% battery life. This flight was one of just many cancellations throughout LaGuardia, so the customer service line was, no joke, 75+ people deep. I managed to get an actually super nice and helpful customer service rep on the phone while I stood in line, who told me that the good news was they'd refund my full fare, the bad news being, of course, that they had no other available flights on my route that night or the following morning.  I got out of the US Airways line and went looking for Delta, only to find them also backed up by the dozens.

I found a spot on the floor next to an outlet, plugged in my cell phone, called my mom, cried, stress ate my Caesar salad (worth every penny!) (false), yelled the F word far too loud for a public setting, looked up alternate routes to PGH and finally came to the realization that it was not happening. I would not make it to Pittsburgh. I would not see Brigette get married. I felt mad and sad and guilty and disappointed and basically every emotion you might find on the negative end of a feelings chart. I took a sad taxi home to Crown Heights, the rain pouring nearly as hard as my tears.

HAHA just kidding for dramatic emphasis. I mean, yes I cried, but that's a tad heavy handed. Trying to spice up my writing with overuse of metaphor! What if I actually talked like that? Yikes!

Enn. Eee. Way. My mom & Margie sent me loads of photos from the wedding and it looked like a truly beautiful day. I'm so happy for the newlyweds! And I was able to see Brian's sister graduate, so the weekend still  managed to be special and full of family. And also sun. Wait until you get a load of the sunburn I acquired yesterday. It's one for the record books!

HOWEVER it has come to my attention that God or Mother Nature or SOMEONE is reading my blog and deliberately trying to sabotage me.While I do appreciate the attention, I am not amused. I mean, I had expressly stated on Friday morning just how VERY EXCITED I was to fly to Pittsburgh and my flight up and cancels on me? COME ON, dude. Do you think this is because I couldn't remember the timeline of Christ's resurrection? Am I being punished for supporting gay marriage???? Whatever the reason, it is pretttty clear that someone is out to get me, so below is a list of things I am super not excited for. If my logic is correct, which it totally always is, since I'm not excited for these things, that means these days will be bright and sunny and warm and perfect and amazing...right?! RIGHT.

  • My Own Wedding. August is hurricane season, right? Let's get a storm a brewin'!
  • Similarly: My Bridal Shower this coming weekend and my Bachelorette in June. Two separate weekends being feted by my most special ladies? HARD PASS. 
  • My Cousin Angie's visit to NYC. Angie is the WORST! 
  • The string of 30th Birthday parties we have this June. Rooftops and pool parties and Brooklyn day drinking? These are a few of my (least!) favorite things. (PS: read that to the tune of the song, please, I tried really hard to make it fit.) 
  • Summer Fridays. 12 PM closing? No thanks, I'll work til 6! 

And while we're at it, something I am so totally very super excited about is next week's big publishing annual conference, BEA. Schlepping to the far west side of Manhattan in what always manages to be the hottest weather of all time for long days of standing around and small talking...I can. not. wait. I will be SO VERY SAD if a lighting bolt just strikes right down into the middle of the Javits Center and burns it right down to the ground. Please oh please don't let that happen, I long for this week all year!

There. That should about cover it. Everything's looking up for old Alizabatham HoHENadell!!!

(Arbitrary image b/c photos make blogs better, according to other blogs.)

Here's to the start of a NEW week for all of us - hope it's nothing short of spectacular. xoxo

Yeehaw, y'all

Happy Friday, y'all! Today I get to say y'all as much as I want, I'm on my way to the great state of Texas. Yeehaw! Chuckwagon! Remember the Alamo! I'm very excited, I've never been to the lonestar state before. We're off to Houston for the wedding of my longest friend. I mean, in years, not length, though he is pretty tall...you get what I mean, we go way back. In fact, we have been friends literally since birth. And now he's getting married, aahh!

My boss's gentleman friend, a very hip dude, just moved to NYC from Houston so I asked him what we should do and see while in town. He recommended a conceptual art gallery and a silent meditation temple. Uh, all due respect to this fellow but I can think of no two things I like less than silence and whatever conceptual art might be. Snoozetown, population that guy.

Luckily for me there is both a Margarita festival and a gun show within walking distance of my hotel this weekend. Margaritas and guns, now that's Texas! I hope they let you practice shooting rifles while simultaneously shooting tequila. No way that could go wrong. Good God,  This is gonna be great!

I am currently in the airport blogging from my phone, how flipping cool am I? This airport is actually amazing, they have iPads in the waiting area that anyone can use! They are connected to the airport bar and you can order food and booze to be delivered to wherever you are sitting. Tempting. Dangerous. These iPads are both cool and disgusting, a fact I realized after I blew my nose and then rubbed my snotty fingers all over the screen. Groady. Sorry, LaGuardia Delta terminal!

The last time I flew I was leaving St Louis this summer and my bag got extra searched at security. I had put my toiletries in too large a Ziploc baggie. They made a whole scene of forcing me to take as much as I could out of the big bag and fit it into a smaller one, and confiscated a slightly too large bottle of mousse. But then instead of throwing out the too large bag, they let me keep it and all of it's remaining contents...including two razor blades. Two! So that's the state of our airline security these days. Feel free to razor everyone, but please don't style their hair.

Oop! Boarding time! Thanks for allowing me to ramble whilst I waited away the morning. I wanted to get up my weekly awkward photo recap this morning, but couldn't get organized and certainly can't figure out how to post pics on this newfangled contraption. I promise lots of gun show stories to make up for it. Do you think they'll let me take home a rifle as a souvenir??

Have a great weekend, Y'ALL! Xo

One Awkward Security Checkpoint

Hi guys! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I was in Chicago (The Windy City!) with my famalam, and we ate a lot and were tourists and wore turkey hats all around town:

HIIIIIII!

We're pretty cool people.

But despite all of the festivities, and the food, and the food-hat festivities, one aspect of the trip left me seriously disappointed, worried about the government's blatant disrespect for travellers.

You know what I'm talkin bout. For weeks before the holiday, the news was abuzz with wild tales from the Transit Security Authority. Full body nude scans, pat-downs, reach arounds, the works. From the sounds of all the scoundrels in the liberal elite media, it was basically a giant, orgiastic, airport free for all.

And whoooo boy was I excited! I prepped for the security line like I'd prep for a 3rd date (3rd date after marriage, Mom!!). Buffed & groomed from head to toe. The finest of lingerie available from the Target sale bin, matching socks. This was going to be the trip of a lifetime, not just for me but for the TSA. Fireworks.

So I'm sure you can imagine my dismay, nay, OUTRAGE, when I made it through the security line on both my departing and return flights completely unmolested. Nary a single touch. I even got to keep my belt on! This is appalling! I mean, if you promise a girl some gentle, government mandated, over the sweater fondling, you had better deliver. Yeah, sure, 4th amendment blah blah blah, but what about those of us looking to get to 2nd base with our constitutional rights? What about us?! Do you want terrorism to win???!? Al Qaeda is terrible, for sure, but hell hath no fury like the bored, creepy, single traveller looking for blog material.

Watch yo back, TSA! I'm coming for you!