Winter? I barely know 'er!

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You see a lot of you know "real" bloggers accompany their posts with charming candid photos of themselves hangin' out in stylish outfits,

so here is a photo of me, wearing my winter indoor wear and dumb hat. It's slightly topical. You are welcome!

So listen. You don't need me to state the obvious, this isn't facebook (burn!), but winter is upon us. It is here. Baby, it is not warm outside.

Some people love the winter. Other people hate it. I generally come down on the side of No Thank You, but in the interest of fair and open-minded thinking and attempting to blog with more frequency, why don't we just make a little list of all of the myriad good and bad things that Old Man Winter has to offer and rejoice in both the glory and the horror of this present season on earth. And now, without further ado:

Winter! The Pros :) and The Cons :(

Con: Everyone is so pale. Even if you're a naturally pale individual, there's something in the air in the doldrums of winter that just sucks all of the color and life out of your flesh until you are just  white, like, beyond Edward Cullen level of pale, like an inhuman, dead blob monster.

Con: Every November, 5 - 10 lbs attach themselves to your hips and midsection and it is 100% impossible to lose weight in the winter. Look it up. It's science.

Pro: No reason to be seen in a swimsuit or any sort of cropped topped apparel!

Pro: You basically never have to shave your legs.

Con: So, your girlfriend is probably a hairy monster at this point.

Con: Hats. Miserable! I look terrible in hats. I have a small, scrawny head and un-brushable, frizzy hair that is impossible to restyle once a hat has been donned and removed. Hats are just not my friend.

Pro: Maybe you are one of those assholes who looks cute and stylish in hats and can pull them off with aplomb. So I guess, then, hats might be a pro for you. GOOD FOR YOU.

Con: When the little fringy bits of your scarf get stuck in the zipper of your coat.

Pro: How delicious is a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs on a brisk evening? SO delicious.

Pro: See Also: Red wine.

Con: Death by frostbite.

Pro: Death by chocolate. This doesn't really have anything to do with winter, I just always thought it seemed a pretty good way to go.

Con: Overheated apartment buildings. My landlady keeps our building at about 80 degrees at all times (probably needs climate control for all of those holiday decorations), to the point where I'm sleeping in shorts & t-shirts with the windows open in the middle of January.

Similar Con: The heat is so drying, my skin is basically peeling off of my body like some kind of molting snake or moisture starved magma rock or something.

Another Similar Con: Loud, clangy, bangy radiators.

Pro: I suppose we should be grateful for central heating...

Con: It gets dark at about 2 PM.

Con: Standing around in crowded bars holding your bulky coats and scarves and layers and such because, obvi, there are no available tables or coat hooks to be found.

Pro: ALLLLLL the more reason to just stay at home and go to bed early!

Pro: Control-top pantyhose. There's something just so reassuring about knowing all of that winter white flab is locked in and secure. Not goin' anywhere.

Con:  Friends sharing photos from their mid-winter tropical vacations. The weather is there, I wish I were beautiful!

Pro: Flannel.

Con: Wool.

Neutral: Cotton, the fabric of our lives.

Pro: Snow, while falling and the first 3 hours of laying upon the ground.

Con: Snow, anytime from 3 hours until the final meltdown.

Pro: Ending on a pro, because I am an optimist:  Adult Snow Days. Rare and beautiful things.

And on the subject of rare and beautiful, here is another stunning photo of me, acting cash in my loungewear. Arousing, I know.

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One Awkward Brassiere

I really hate to be the gal who’s all “Monday, amirite?” but sometimes: MONDAY, AMIRITE??? I slept very fitfully last night. I kept having recurring dreams with themes of being disorganized or unprepared: going on a trip with an empty suitcase, trying to bake something and missing half of the ingredients, something involving being a part of a pop girl group, which actually would be awesome but in the context of my dream it was wildly stressful. I then spent the first 20 minutes or so of my wakeful day blow-drying my brassiere.

Yep.  You read that right. Just blow-dryin’ my bra. Totally part of my everyday routine. I like warm nips.

Gross, just kidding. Actually, in an early morning haze, I knocked a glass of water onto the floor where I’d thrown my bra before bed, either in a fit of passion or laziness, I’ll never tell (it was passion!) (Sorry mom!), effectively soaking it through. I’d spent the night at Brian’s and, of course did not have alternate underthings with me so it was either freeboobing in a white top to the office (aka “YOU’RE FIRED”) or emergency drying session. What a dumb way to start the day. Also, I know it is science or whatever, but isn’t liquid fascinating? Like, what amounts to a small cup of water when it is upright is suddenly an unstoppable ocean the moment you spill it on the floor / your unmentionables.

#SCIENCE!

So, as long as we’re already talking about bras, let’s just keep this going forever. I can so hear my mom thinking SHUT THIS DOWN, she always worries I’ll get fired if anyone at my job finds out how much weird, personal stuff I write on the internet, but this isn’t going to be as scandalous as it sounds. I actually have a bra-related story I’ve been meaning to share!

Every few months or so, some woman’s magazine or website or Tim Gunn or someone will release some list of “Top 10 Things Every Woman Needs In Her Wardrobe!” They are all the same and involve boring stuff like a classic trench coat, white button down and trousers. SNOOZE. I hate these articles, and ones like it. They’re framed as advice, but I feel they really perpetuate the idea of normalcy and standards and “If you’re not doing all of these perfect things you are failing, hard” and I hate that ish. Every woman’s wardrobe should contain10 things that make her feel like a goddess and if none of those things are sensibly tailored jeans, well, bully for her.

That said, I am beginning to trust their logic on one small item: the importance of purchasing   well fitting, well made (read: not cheap) bras. I’m always more of the mindset that you should just buy the cheapest possible option for everything, consequences be damned.

bra

(Via)

So last January, when I was perusing the lingerie department of my favorite retailer Target, and came across some standard t-shirt bras for $9.99 each (pictured above, DO NOT BUY THESE!!) I scooped up one in nude and one in black and never looked back. These bras were comfortable at first, but soon became the bane of my existence. You see, the straps are attached to the back of the band with little removable hooks that allow you to switch from a standard fit to a cross back and these dumb little motherfuckers slide out of place all the time, leaving me in public with my bra strap literally flapping in the wind.

I have felt my bra snap apart in business meetings, on Bolt Busses, while walking down the street. Once, one of them came undone while on the dance floor at a wedding, I went into the ladies to try to fix it and a stranger came upon me with my dress fully unzipped trying to rehook my bra in the bathroom mirror. She, this random lady I’ve never met before, helped me snap my bra back into place and rezip my dress, which I think is how that Good Samaritan story would be retold if the Bible were updated for modern readers. They always come undone at work when I’m wearing something really intricate, like a sweater over a turtleneck tucked into tights, and the only way I can fix it is to go into my office and shut the door and take off ALL of my clothes except my socks, basically, and rehook the bra. I’m waiting for the day one of the mail guys barges in on me in the buff.

It is out of hand. And yet, I continued to wear these dumb, piece of crap, $10 bras because I have serious problems.

But no more. After ONE FULL YEAR of dealing with this nonsense, with no one to blame but myself, I finally decided it was time to be a grown ass lady and bought some real bras. It’s been one week and my life is better already. Well, my life is pretty much exactly the same, but my chances of flashing the office been reduced drastically and my boobs are a definitely a whole lot happier.

They're feeling both uplifted and secure. Insert other terrible bra puns here!

MONDAY AMIRITE?

 

 

 

 

Another Awkward Week [11.16.12]

It's Friday! I'm in a bad mood. Why? I can't say, my friends, I just can't say. Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you feel like a cranky witch who just wants to go back to bed. Let's try to turn this frown upside down with some jokes! Here’s what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Drivers License:

Because it's the same expired! license I travelled all the way to Pennsylvania to renew last weekend! Did you know that in Pennsylvania the DMV is open until 8 PM Monday through Friday but there is a separate office where you have to go get your photo taken, because THAT makes sense. The office is next door to the DMV and closes at 4:30 PM. I got into PA a little after 5, rushed to the DMV, looked like a fool and left. I can't even begin to go into the millions of things that are whack with this system. I may be a disorganized mess but even I could run the DMV better than those fools are doing it. Pennsylvania, get your shit together! Soooo now my license is expired, the temporary license they sent me is expired, my passport is also expired for unrelated reasons and I'm basically an undocumented citizen. WHOOPS my bad!

That's kind of a cute picture, though right? God, I'm good looking.

This Notebook: 

Because it's a lot more graphic than the cutesy title might suggest. I have what you might call a sensitive stomach and a family history of gross gastrointestinal diseases so have finally decided to take control of my health and figure out what's wrong with me. First step: documenting everything that goes into my body ...and everything that comes out. You do NOT want to know what happened at 11:45 this morning, you guys. Trust me. I hope if I ever die a young, tragic death that this is published and becomes a world wide bestselling phenomenon. Like Anne Frank but with less Nazis and more chronic gas.

This Facebook Profile: 

Because it's so sad and lonely. I've realized that, in the sporadic instances when I do actually write here, the best way to get traffic and share my blog is via my facebook page. Since I'm at least pretending to take this whole blogging thing more seriously I decided to create a blog specific page so I can further spread the good news about how great I am and also not bog down my personal facebook timeline with blog updates. But there's a flaw in the system and I can't for the life of me link this blog to that facebook. Who knows what's going on. I'll fix it! For now, do feel free to "like" me on facebook, I promise I'll figure it out soon! Clearly I'm super tech savvy - as you can see I had to google "how to take a screenshot" to even make this possible. Baby steps, you guys. Baby Steps.

Speaking of babies...

This Photo: 

Because I have no idea who that child is, but I've been carrying her photo in my purse for over a month. WEIRD. It fell out of a used book I bought at The Strand (A Family History by Dani Shapiro HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!) and I put it in my purse for safekeeping and I guess I never took it out. Is that creepy? It feels a little creepy. But I feel bad throwing it out. What if this is some kind of Face on the Milk Carton situation and I was destined to find that photo and now I have to go rescue this girl from some kidnappers or something? That's definitely a likely scenario so for now I'll just hang onto this...

And there you have it, folks! A few anecdotes and images from my week. How was yours? Gearing up for Thanksgiving? I can't wait to EAT! I feel like this holiday is going to give me a lot of great fodder for my food and poop journal, coming soon to a bookstore near you!

EW!

xoxo Liz