Another Awkward Week [10.4.13]

Hello, pumpkins. It's October! It's also 85 degrees in New York City right now.  Ridiculous! Is there anything more exciting than talking about the weather?!  No siree. Except maybe this announcement: I have completed the first of my 30 Before 30 challenges, holla! As of this morning, I am only in debt on one credit card! And also in student loans. And most certainly to my mother. But still: baby steps.

I started my foray into credit card debt  while studying abroad my junior year. I know I'm amazingly irresponsible but I still maintain that travel is a worthy cause of debt. Live a little! See the world! I would, however, recommend putting the card away when you return and not breaking it out at the first pair of riding boots that catch your eye. The "I swear I'll pay it off the second the bill comes" trap is far to easy to fall into, trust me, I'm an expert. I would also recommend not opening a second credit card - especially if it is a specialty store credit card - for me, The Gap - no matter how much of a discount they offer you just for opening. Sure you saved 40% on that chambray tunic but suddenly it's three years later and thanks to copious 'members only sales' and promises of points and bonuses for non-clothing purchases you're a thousand bucks in the hole with little more than some flimsy cardigans to show for it.

I'd also recommend not moving to New York City or working in publishing but far wiser people than I have done it quite successfully with little to no financial hardship so maybe just don't listen to me at all when I'm dishing out money advice and/or life?

Long story extra long: I dipped into my savings account (which up until last January was at a standard balance of like $32, but that's another story for another day) to pay off my Gap credit card. It was scary to write such a huge check, from money I'd worked so hard to save, but it feels like the right move. The interest rates were staggeringly high, and every minimum payment I made felt like a sad drop in the bucket. I still have a long way to go on my other debts but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction. I am pretty flim-flamming proud of myself, I'm not gonna lie about it.

Whoop! One (major!) challenge down, 29 to go...

Is this what responsibility feels like? It's refreshing! And terrifying. Mostly terrifying. Someone give me back my credit card. I see some pants I need...

No! Let me distract myself with story telling! Why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Feast:

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Did everyone watch the Breaking Bad finale on Sunday?! OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! No spoilers but I will tell you this much: my friend Kamran and I pulled out all the stops on our epic finale party. Or wait, the opposite. Across the interwebs we saw blue cocktails with home made rock candy and Heisenburgers...my own brother even made a blue cake decorated with blue "meth" sugar candy (well, it was more green than blue, such a Todd that guy!).

Kam and I managed to put down some blue (meth!) berry ice cream, three dozen "Pollos Hermanos" wings, a few slices of pizza and half a bottle each of scotch and Pinot Grigio.

Classy and festive. Or lazy and gluttonous. Little of both?

And if you don't know what any of these things mean, WELL, it sounds like you've been wasting your time doing dumb stuff instead of catching up on Breaking Bad so, sorry I'm not sorry. Get your life together, man.

These Gifts:

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Let's see...the largest of the bunch is a housewarming gift for my friend and her husband who bought their home in oh, May. The smaller in gold and silver is a wedding gift for my cousin who was married on the 5th of July... the colorful package below that one is another wedding gift for my friend Maureen, who was married on the 6th of July, wrapped in birthday paper because I ran out of the fancy wedding stuff. 4 months late and inappropriately wrapped. Regular old Emily Post right over here.  (Also, both gifts are the same, involving the couple's initials and wedding dates. Both couples are M+M and married within one day of the other so the probability that I mixed them up is about 80 to 1. Just cross your fingers this all worked out.)

The stack of birthday wrapped packages are gifts for my godson and his twin brother on their 3rd birthday, which was just Wednesday so I'm only like 3 days late on that one.

I actually bought all of these on time, but let them linger in my office for months because I'm just the laziest. Or, OR, hear me out guys: it's strategic and thoughtful. I understand that there must be a sense of sadness after a wedding ends or several months post-birthday or house closing - all of your planning and saving and celebrating has come to a close and you go back to your sad, dumb, boring life with no presents, or parties or cake. UNTIL! Six months later, suddenly, you open your mailbox and, what's this?!?! A gift?! For me?! The celebration lives on! Once again your bask in the glow of your newly wedded/habitated/born bliss and feel special and loved again.

THAT is why I'm always late. It's not that I can't get it together...it's alllll  a part of my master plan.

You're welcome, everyone.

Wondering what's in those packages? Not telling...except this one peek.

These Books:

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Best book EVAH! Got one for my godson....annnnd a copy for me. I haven't read it in years! What a classic.

My godson Michael is one of a set of twins - they each have separate godparents. It doesn't feel right to get just Michael a birthday gift, but I felt like I needed to do something special for the guy, since I am his spiritual mentor and all. I realize that I'm not exactly a pillar of Christian morality (whoops) but do think I could teach the kid a thing or two about something that I believe is truly valuable: lit-rah-chaaa. Every year for his birthday I'll help to build his library, supplying him with my favorite books I read as a young person. Last year I got him The Phantom Tollbooth and this year, the Mixed Up Files. He just turned three, so he likely won't be diving into these for a few years, but when he's ready I want him to be prepared with a fully stocked, totally badass library.

I'll make this kid a bookworm if it's the last thing I do!

I guess that's not really awkward, unless you count me reading books for 3rd graders on the subway. I just wanted to show off that, though I send them way late, I DO give solid presents.

Now, time to overshare. You ready for this?

I don't know if you are.

This Toilet:

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Some BOLD color choices up in this apartment.

Last week when I wrote about my multiple public restroom disasters, my friend commented thanking me for keeping the toilet humor classy and I was so honored. I don't want to reach too high for the stars, but that's kind of my goal. To be the classiest inappropriate person on earth. Can it be done? Well, this next story might push the limits but I think it's important to share.

So. Wednesday evening I was going to a friend's house in the neighborhood for a ladies' grilled cheese evening and stopped off at my apartment between work and her place to drop off my things and rinse off, as I'd gone for a run near my office and was smelling like a real peach.

The house I grew up in was pretty old, with a plumbing system to match - flushing a toilet anywhere in the house would set the hot water totally haywire, so you had to be really careful before taking a shower. Any flush action within like, 20 minutes pre-shower could have you shivering in ice water the whole time. Consequently, I never, ever flush if I you knowww before hopping in the shower, even if it's a number twosie, which is totally never is because girls don't poop. Except when they do, which is sometimes before they get in the shower. Or so I've heard.

I just close the toilet lid, scrub up and flush when I get out.

WELL. Wednesday evening I was rushing around to get to Abbe's house, my brain a million places at once. Brian was working late, so I came and went before he made it home. I was halfway to Abbe's house when I got that horrible, sinking anxiety feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd forgotten something. You know how you can convince yourself that you didn't unplug the iron or turn off the stove? Well I was suddenly just horribly, devastatingly positive that I'd forgotten to flush the toilet, leaving a delightful surprise waiting for poor Brian.

Now, we're pretty open (some might say too open) (some would probably be correct) with discussing our bodily functions, but there are some lines that can't be crossed, you know? Not yet, anyway. We've lived together for TWO MONTHS, we gotta save something for the future! If we start seeing each other's doo-doo two months in, what's left at two years? Twenty-two? I literally can not imagine...nor do I want to.

I contemplated turning back around but it was too far for just a hunch and plus: what if Brian beat me there? So I did what any weirdo would do and texted him:

"Listen. If you get home ant he toilet seat is down...flush it before opening. Don't ask any questions."

Charming.

Guys: this is real life. No one prepares you for this stuff! When you make the decision to move in with a romantic partner, whether it's pre-marital or post, no one clues you in to the actual HARD TRUTHS of cohabitation. Sure you hear all about splitting finances and chores and making sure you get alone time but NO ONE prepares you for the very real and probably inevitable possibility of seeing the other person's poop.

Well, now you've been warned. Tread lightly. Double check that you've flushed.

Luckily it turns out that I had, in fact, remembered, so this whole situation was just an act of unnecessary oversharing, anxiety and weirdness (my three best qualities) but I still think it the creep-o text was better than the alternative. And Brian still seems to be attracted to me (what a freak!) so I think we're in the clear.

FOR NOW.

You can count on me to always report the most vital of information from the front lines of living in sin...whether anyone actually wants to hear it or not.

Annnnnddddd I think that's as good a point as any to shut this mother DOWN. It's Friday y'all. We made it. What's everyone up to this weekend?

I trust you'll keep it an appropriate mix of classy and shameful, whatever you do.

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.25.13]

If I were to run for president, which I would most certainly never do, the stress would literally kill me dead, but let's just say I had it in me to handle all of that pressure and decision making power, the very first bill I would sign up on Capitol Hill would be to enforce a mandatory four day workweek. Life is just 700% better with long weekends. Speaking of Capitol Hill, do any of you watch the show Scandal? I've been meaning to catch up but you know, life, can't win 'em all. I somehow just found myself watching one episode with absolutely no context or understanding of characters or plot and good GOD, I am hooked. This show is...arousing. How have I been missing this?!

Aaaaand moving on, before I need a cold shower, here's what else was keeping it awkward this week:

These Guys:

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(via)

Ok not actually awkward in the slightest, I just wanted to share my greatest achievement of 2013 to date: I finally caught up on Breaking Bad! Did I fail to blog on Monday because I was in the midst of an all MLK Day marathon? Maybe. Was it worth it? YEAH BITCH!

This Late Night Snack:

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Wine and chocolate sauce straight from the jar with a fork because that's what came out of the drawer first and I was too lazy to try again for a spoon. My clean & kind eating plan is going GREAT.

This Belt:

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I was pretty proud of this outfit, actually, don't I look preppy and put together, minus the hair/face? And the way my tucked in shirt kind of gives me a Santa belly? Whatever, I look great. You can't tell from the photo but the pants are hunter green. So on trend. But I forgot how annoying belts are when deployed for their actual purpose. I wear belts as fashion accessories over sweaters or shirts or what have you but it's been years since I've actually worn one around my hips, through my belt loops. WHAT a disaster. This belt was maybe .0001 inches too big for the loops so every time I had to pee, which was probably 47 times, I drink a lot of water, I had to get the belt out of the loops and it would get stuck in there and I'd have to wrestle it out and then unhook it and untuck my shirt and then retuck and rebelt and reloop and no thank you. Why would anyone ever wear a belt? I just want to wear leggings and Old Navy brand v-neck t-shirts all day every day.

But since I'm forced to dress for the outdoors I wear...

This Sweater:

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Yes, that is my elbow today replete with gigantic holes, pulls and pen stains. But if I scoonch the sleeves up to 3/4 length, ya can't even tell! The holes have been growing and growing for months and I still won't throw this out our buy new clothes. Fashion Icon .

This Couple:

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This picture is atrocious so let me paint you a picture. Or rather scan you a diagram I drew on a napkin right then and there so I could share on this here blog:

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Ok! Over the weekend my friend Red and I saw Silver Lining's Playbook (really cute! But they needed thicker Philly accents. You don't set a film in Philadelphia and not have the characters say "wooter" at least 6 times, you just don't.) and then grabbed a few drinks at a nearby watering hole. The bar had these sort of high wooden cubicles with tables in them, which I tried to depict in my amazing diagram above. It sounds weird, but trust me. Because we were just 2 they sat us in a cubicle with two small tables pushed right next to one another. Red and I sat at one side(exhibit A) and no sooner had we ordered our first rounds of wine (of 4, I think...or 5? Yikes) when a couple was seated at the other tiny table in our cube, just inches away from us (that blue blob in the corner is my shoulder) and promptly started full on making out. Like, bumping, grinding, passionately going to TOWN on each other. Every so often they'd pry their lips apart but remain in full snuggle position, rubbing noses, whispering in each other's ears, nuzzling. It was horrifying. And hilarious. Red and I attempted to continue our conversation while surreptitiously snapping photos of the randy couple, which seems creepy now that I think about it but THEY STARTED IT! This went on for probably an hour and they did not seem embarrassed. Even when the waitress kept coming by to check drink orders, they'd just pull their lips apart, order another drink, resume. Our waitress didn't even blink an eye! Pervy if ya ask me! Why didn't we leave? Well: wine.

But SRSLY people. If I wanted to watch two people get that freaky on each other I would have gone home, put on some soft mood lighting, and fired up some Scandal. Holy White House Erotica, this show is bananas. Which is not a sexual euphemism, despite the context clues.

And that's that! Short post for a short week. What's everyone up to this weekend? I'm hoping for snow! I just pushed a wrong button on my keyboard and now my font is giant and I'm too lazy to figure out how to fix it. SORRY IT LOOKS LIKE I'M YELLING. EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!

 

XO Liz Ho. Now it's normal again! Technology!