Another Awkward Week [6.13.14]

Goodness if I haven’t been the worst blogger in all the land lately. I’ve barely had time to read blogs (save a few of my fave housewives, obvi) much less write one. I’ve felt crazed with work and travel and visitors and I’ve been dealing with this debilitating butt injury (don’t ask) (obviously I’ll tell you all about in just a few moments)  and life is just whooshing on by. Whoosh, whoosh!

Before we know it, it’ll whoosh right on up to August 16 and holy cats, y’all, we have a LOT to do before then. By “then” I mean our wedding in case you for some strange reason don’t think exclusively about my life and the important dates therein. I will update you on many, many wedding things next week, try not to die of excitement before then but for now, the usual nonsense.

A look at what was keeping it awkward this week. Two weeks. Three? Oy!


These Paper Boobs:


I ordered a bunch of brassieres from Gap Body this week and they came stuffed with paper - I guess to help them keep their shape? For some reason these paper boobs made me laugh and laugh and laugh so I lined them up on the floor where they just look like balls of white paper because um, that’s what they are.

Actually they look like biscuits. Now I want biscuits!

Isn't biscuit a hard word to spell? I always want to put a "q" in there.

Which, side note to the sidenote, through working at Penguin I have come to learn just how many people think that Penguin is spelled with a "Q." A LOT of people. GUYS no, just no. There is not a Q in Penguin, are you kidding me?

Biscuit, on the other hand. There is probably a Q in there.


Point of this horrible story: my assistant Margaret came in and caught me taking this photo and was like WHAT are you doing and I was like “photographing these paper boobs, obviously” and she just backed slowly out of my office and down the hall and sprinted out the door.

JK she has yet to run screaming from this office but I would NOT blame her if/when she does. She always catches me doing the weirdest stuff. Licking tupperware. Paper boobs!



These Sandals:


Cute, sure. Cuter still when you learn they are Bass, ordered after I ran an extensive Google search for “sandals with proper arch support.”

29 going on 89, y’all.

This Bootay:

It’s mine!

J to the K it is very clearly Beyonce’s but mine pretty much looks the same in the fact that we both have butts but the similarities pretty much end there.

Anyhoodle, as I mentioned earlier, my booty is currently on the disabled list. But srsly, though. I guess all this running took a toll on my body, for the weeks after my half marathon I started having increasing pain in my left hip and glute, especially when sitting for long periods of time or upon first standing up. After attempting a zillion weird home cures and diagnosing myself with fatal diseases like I never don’t, I finally got myself to a physical therapist who concluded that I had a tight IT band and a strained piriformis muscle.

The piriformis is this weird little muscle that goes from your butt around your hip and is supremely hard to stretch so now I go in to physical therapy twice a week for what basically amounts to 30 minute nonsexual butt massages.

It is awesome. I am not even remotely joking. I’ve never had a back or shoulder massage, I have a sad life I guess, so this is my first taste of the massage world and I am LOVING it. It is the best part of my week! I mean I feel a little strange just laying there, booty up, getting a rub down and I’m always worried I’ll fart in the PT’s face but so far, so good!

My hip is starting to feel better, but I might have to pretend to still be in pain...I’m like, legit addicted to butt rubs.

This Straw:


Actually it was another straw but I forgot to take a photo of it so this is a substitute straw.

Just don’t worry about it.

So last weekend my cousin Angie was in town and it was the best! Angie is the coolest - she is an art teacher and one of her students won a prestigious national Scholastic Gold Key Award so she was in NYC for the awards ceremony at Carnegie Hall. So amazing, right?


At one point during the weekend we were sitting around at the bar, just casually hanging out, not even remotely drunk (that came later when, while Angie attended the awards ceremony, her boyfriend Jeremy, Brian and I proceeded to ring up a $200 beer and french fry tab, yikes) and I picked up my glass of water to take a drink straight from the glass, forgetting there was a straw in the glass and as I turned the cup towards my mouth, the straw poked me on the underside of my nostril just CENTIMETERS away from going straight up into my nose, impaling my brain and killing me.

I almost died and Angie just laughted and laughed and laughed and said she thought sometimes I made up my blog stories but she now saw first hand I’m actually that hot of a mess.

Can’t make this up, kids.


(PSS Not really.)

PSSS now I want a bloody with my biscuits. LET'T ALL GO OUT TO BRUNCH!!!!!!!!!

Ok still the worst blogger, even when writing! None of these stories are funny to anyone but me and even I"m like eeeehhhhh? Eh. My brain is mushier than my muscles which are surely atrophying now that I am a sedentary blob with a broken butt cheek.

I'll be back next week with WEDDING UPDATEZ and good stories I swickity-swear.

Have a great weekend! Call your dad on Sunday!

xoxoox Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.18.13]

Friday! Three Day Weekend! Happy Birthday, Martin Luther King! (Um, that is what MLK day is in honor of,  yes? God, I'm such a great American.) 

So I was kind of being a crabby bitch all week for no reason in particular, sometimes a lady just wants to be really mean to everyone, ya know? But now I'm better, because I've been teabagging. Not THAT kind of teabagging...grow up, everyone. Inspirational teabagging. As you know, I've been sloooowwwwwllllyyy weaning (haha isn't that word gross?) myself off coffee since the start of the new year and am down to one small cup a day and barely any Diet Coke, too! Progress! In place of drinking coffee I've been slamming Yogi brand energy teas. Yogi is the best because all of their tea is delicious AND all of the tea bags have little uplifted messages printed on the tags. (hehe!) Yesterday I was reminded that "The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment." My afternoon tea told me "I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am blissful."

This morning's tea told me "The beauty of life is to experience yourself." I guess they mean something emotional but to me it sounds like they're talking about masturbation. Racy!

Oh my god why am I so inappropriate this morning?! Let's cut to the chase and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week...aside from sexual innuendo tea:

These Pickles:


Someone left tons of food in our office kitchen after a lunch meeting, including a full carton of pickles. I proceeded to eat SEVENTEEN. Seventeen. They weren't even that good, I just couldn't stop. I love pickles so much. I hope whatever crazy bastard first decided to toss cucumbers into brine (Jebediah Claussen?) won some kind of Nobel Food Prize.


This Warpaint:


For some reason I am no longer able to apply mascara to my eyelashes without getting it all over the rest of my body. Last week it was in my hair. This week I somehow got it all over my fingers, which led to me smearing it all over my cheeks, which led to me taking this hideous self portrait in the locker room of the gym while other ladies stared at me like I was a freak of nature. I'm beginning to think they were right...

This Bloody Mary:

bloody maryThat I drank during LUNCH yesterday because I am a BAMF. A Bold Apple Motor Feather.

I don't know how Don Draper does it, you guys. I had one cocktail over lunch and was basically catatonic at my desk for the rest of the afternoon.

And finally, the gemmiest of gems:

This Photo:

smizeMy best friend was in town last weekend and we discovered the greatest smart phone app ever created, the Tyra Banks Smize Yourself App. For those of you unfamiliar with Smizing it is a term created by American Genius Tyra Banks that means Smiling with your Eyes. Sm...izing. This app, which is currently only available for iPhones and costs 99 cents is the best 99 cents a person could spend. Clearly. Just take a selfie, press a button and the app smizes for you.

We look like we're auditioning for Jupiter's Next Top Model.


And that was the week! I hope everyone enjoys the long weekend, and if you don't have Monday off, enjoy the regularly sized weekend and also your company sounds pretty racist.  And no matter what, remember:

You are beautiful.

You are bountiful.

You are blisssful.

xoxo! Liz Ho