One Awkward Something Something I'm Too Lazy To Title This Ok Bye!

Well! It sure has been a while. That judgmental sloth really put me off my game. Anyway, here’s what’s on my mind at this very moment, in somewhat nonsensical list form:

BEER: This morning I was in the kitchen making my lunch (a salad, how exotic!) and my roommate was getting something out of the fridge and somehow bumped one of the shelves on the refrigerator door, breaking the shelf and sending its contents – about 80% bottles of beer – tumbling to the ground.  Glass and beer smashed everywhere and I  was barefoot so I couldn’t move an inch and we had to keep the dog out of the room and our apartment smelled like Swallow at the Hallow at 1:57 on a Sunday morning (Baltimore shout-out!) and it really started the day off on a weird note. I ended up being nearly an hour late to work but, here’s a secret: I can’t blame the beer. I was pretty much running late anyway, so decided I’d used the kitchen shenanigans as an excuse to just dick around a little longer and get coffee and my customary Friday Morning Ham Sandwich, which is a sandwich, made with ham, that I eat for breakfast on Friday mornings while re-watching Parks & Recreation in my office with the door shut.

This is weird, yes, and it is the best part of my week.

ONLINE SHOPPING: Yesterday I bought a Living Social voucher. I can’t tell you what it was for, but I can assure you it was not for either the 20 Unites of Botox or the 3 Skin-Tightening Treatments being offered as today’s deals. What exactly is going on over there at Living Social HQ? Anyway! The deal cost $15 and I had a $10 voucher so, using the transubstantiated property where A = B = C / Z ^2 [12 X A], I should have only been charged $5, but today my bank account is saying they charged me the full $15. What about the transubstantiated property do these folks not understand? Needless to say, I’m in a pickle. I mean, you guys might be out there makin’ it rain with the Hamilton’s but I recently had to use nickels to buy a roll of toilet paper, so I kind of need that money back.

I have e-mailed Living Social, no response yet. I guess they’re just not that into me?

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: Have you guys read this yet?! Probably, ya pervs! I haven’t, for a number of reasons (laziness, snobbery) but my book club is reading it on Tuesday so I gotta get on it!  I don’t want to buy the book again for a number of reasons including money (see above) and personal dignity so I got a friend to send me a PDF of the manuscript. I have a Kindle that a co-worker lent me 6+ months ago but I still haven’t figured out how to use it, so whenever I have to read manuscripts for my job I just get the print shop to print & bind them for me, old school style and I always think it makes me look cool and intellectual when I’m reading them on the subway until I remember that no one is paying attention to me. But I can’t send this Shades of Grey manuscript to the print shop again for a number of reasons, the biggest one probably being that I have a little crush on one of the guys who works down there. He’s is so cute and charming and I can never, ever remember his name. It might be Raymond but it could just as easily be Lampshade. I am an asshole. But he is handsome and nice and I can not, in good conscience, go down to his office, where he works and call him Lampshade and ask him to print out a 400 page dungeon sex novel for me, I just can’t. So I’ve been printing it out on my department printer all day long, 25 pages at a time, hoping no one catches on to what I’m up to. So far, so good! This is only the second shadiest thing I’ve printed out here, the first being a Groupon (what is with me and the coupons) for a sex-toy company that I bought my friend for a wedding gift. Excellent gift-giver over here. And no, my aforementioned Living Social was not for sex toys, I wish!

Also, I can't speak to the quality of this text as I’ve not yet read it, I am sure is a goddamn masterpiece, but if you want to read a book that’ll get your knickers in a twist, may I recommend Ian McEwan’s Atonement? The second half is kind of boring and World-War-Twoish but the first half is all mixed messages, backless gowns, meaningful glances and SPOILER ALERT: loss of virginity standing up against a library bookshelf in the middle of a fancy dinner party.

I need a cold showah!

SALAD DRESSING: To the person currently storing their Trader Joe’s Tuscan Italian Salad Dressing in the 4th Floor kitchen of my office building, I stole some of your dressing for my lunch today. And I have no intention of paying you back.

photo © Mary Stone, professional nail photographer to the stars 

NAIL POLISH: Pastel nails are all the rage right now. Am I pulling this off? I’m not sure I’m pulling this off. Someone validate me!

Ok, enough is enough for one day. Off to the printer before someone calls HR!