Another Awkward Week [11.9.12]

Hello friend! I'm writing this from the Cosi at Philadelphia, PA's beautiful 30th Street Train station where I'm eating a lackluster salad and killing time. I have to go home this weekend half to attend a bachelorette party (woo woo!) and half to renew my drivers license which has now been expired for two months. I meant to get a New York license, seeing as how I haven't lived in PA for years, but I blew that situation. I was going to go on my birthday but instead I had to read facebook birthday messages and then get a manicure, priorities,  and then I accidentally misread the DMV website and thought that NY licenses cost $180 which is bananas so I panicked and renewed my old PA license online, because that only costs $30, but then it turned out that NY licenses are way cheaper for normal people, they only cost  $180 if you drive like, a tractor trailer or a megabus or something but what's done was done, so here I am spending at least $180 on train tickets + gross salads in the process of renewing my PA drivers license aka the cheaper option. Never say I don't have it all together!

Amtrak cancelled my planned train trip today and rerouted me to a new option which has me killing one hour and 45 minutes in this here train station. It is a glamorous delight. A guy just came up behind me on line at Cosi and commented on the size of my bag. He asked if I was a yoga instructor because he assumed my bag was full of exercise equipment. So, either he thinks I'm  a hottie with a body OR I smell like a gym. Either way, A+ pickup line, great job, obviously we made love.

What a day! Here's what else kept it awkward this week:

This Store:

Because that's kind of an oddly, um, specific name for a retail outlet. I wonder what they sell. Me, I want a hula hoop!

This Pin:

Because I put it on my purse 3 weeks ago at a book event and haven't gotten around to taking it off since. I just don't want anyone to forget my name!

The fact that I am now on the Amtrak train, (I left that beautiful Cosi and the man I met there. Farewell, sweet prince.) and I can not, for the life of me, get any more pictures to upload. I'm trying so hard to be a good blogger, you guys, but it is hard! How does anyone have any hobbies? I can barely find the time/motivation to sit at my computer and type up stories about myself and there are people out there  in the world knitting and doing carpentry and acting in local theater and training for marathons and all kinds of stuff. WHO are these freak people? Where do you get your time? Why are you so motivated? Do you take any cool drugs and if yes can I have some? Why won't this internet work? And why am I so sweaty? When will all Americans get the right to marry? I need a raise!

Ok, now I"m just complaining. Let's shut this mother down. Have a great weekend, nerds. And remember, there are still tons of people displaced and in need after hurricane Sandy. See my most recent blog post (I SWEAR it is better than this one) for links or check in with your local Red Cross office to see how you can help. It's a long road ahead, any little bit helps!

xoxo Liz

PS - Just spotted an Amish buggy out the train window. I'm home!

One Awkward Social Network

Are you guys on Google+ yet? I am. Jealous? You should be. If you’re unsure of what Google+ is well, you need to crawl out from that rock you live under and get wid it. Haha JK. No one knows what Google+ is. And, actually, good on you for the living under a rock thing. I pay 8 billion dollars a month to live in an apartment with plywood floors and a mouse problem so you may be onto something. Anyhoodle, Google+ is, as far as I can tell, a new social media platform run by…wait for it…Google, which will allegedly will take the place of facebook and streamline and blah blah internet revolutionize hashtag communicate etcetera etcetera etcetera. There’s been a lot of buzz on the internet, I guess, mostly just people on facebook talking about the new facebook which, whoa, my brain. They debuted the system last week or the week before or god knows when with some ‘invitation only’ thing, but it has now made its way down the food chain to good ol Hobags, at which point I think it now becomes obsolete. Despite being a smart young person who works in the communications field and thrives on any form of attention, I can’t figure out this whole social media thing. I actually recently learned after years of hilarious jokes that I am, in fact, 1/8 Amish (!!!!) so I guess I blame my heritage?

It’s just too much! Facebook, I can do. But barely! Every week they change something or put up new features and everyone does Farmville and oh my cataracts! Except old people jokes don’t even apply here because old people can do The Facebook better than I can.  I had a MySpace in college but I only joined that because I found out that this guy I was making out with’s ex-girlfriend had a MySpace and the only way I could see what she was all about was to get my own MySpace so yeah, that happened. Not my finest moment. I started a Twitter account, which was fun for a hot sec, but then I got involved with all sorts of work contacts and just didn’t know what to twit. Er, tweet. I could tweet “professionally” but that seemed both boring and pretentious or I could tweet “personally” but I don’t think my work contacts need to know what really goes on in my brain. So then I had TWO Twitter accounts, one for book shit and one exclusively for boner jokes. Why did the boner cross the road? To get to the other side! Ugh. Both of those accounts quickly fell into disrepair. (On that note, I have now updated my “personal” Twitter! Click the T icon at the top of this page or follow @awkwardliz for a good time. Please?). And I don’t think we need to get into the online dating scene, we all remember how well that went. On top of all of this, my company instituted a corporate networking site, which I think really takes the fun out of the internet if you ask me, where we can get on the web and chat it up about radio shows or book covers or whatever it is that goes on around here. I lost my password. I do expect my employee of the month badge to be arriving any moment.

And here we are. Google+. Another opportunity for me to fail at the internet. This afternoon I decided to give it a go and, just as a test (!) uploaded a link to a recipe I recently made. I thought it would just go on my feed or my page or whatever but it seems, instead, that I e-mailed my entire g-mail inbox with the following message:

"Hey everyone! Look at this salad I recently made for myself and then tell me how jealous you are!"

Charmed, I’m sure. I should consider myself lucky it was just about salad and not like, my favorite lubricants or something (KY warming jelly!) (Just kidding I have never tried that it creeps me out!) (Has anyone tried it and if so please report back in the comments now I am curious?) (AAH shut it down!), but I don’t know who received this e-mail! Both my mom and my gentleman friend, neither of whom are on Google+ received the message, which means it could have gone to old college professors, weirdos I met on OK Cupid, my HR coordinator at work…anyone! BLERGH.

So in summation, if you received an unwanted e-mail about salad, I do apologize. If you would like to be my friend on Google+, please send me an invitation and/or don’t bother, I won’t know the difference! If you know how to use the internet, and would like to guide me, I would be eternally grateful.

And if you like quinoa, look at this salad I recently made for myself and then tell me how jealous you are! 

One Awkward Drive

I was at home in lovely Lancaster County, PA this weekend, working on the family’s Amish farm. Just kidding, I WISH. Modern technology has brought the choo-choo train to my small town, but I’m too poor to afford a full round-trip Amtrak ticket from NYC to Elizabethtown (Amtrak! Are you reading this? Lower your fares, please!), so every time I go home I have to do a whole, Trains, Planes and Automobiles scenario. Except no planes. And also no automobiles. So just Trains. Unless busses count as automobiles, which I guess they do (?), so Trains and Automobiles. Oh god. Just bear with me today, OK? I’m trying to cut down on my caffeine intake, as I fear it is the leading cause of some pretty intense gastrointestinal problems I’ve been dealing with of late, so at this point in the day I’m barely functional. Also, you’re welcome for that information. Is it possible for a woman to be too sexy? An-eee-waaaay, where was I? Oh yes, I was on a train! So what I like to do is to take the New Jersey Transit from Penn Station NYC to Trenton, NJ and then take the SEPTA from there to Philadelphia 30th Street and then I wait around that station for a while and take an Amtrak to my hometown. And then, on the way back, I add a Bolt Bus to the scenario to really jazz things up. This generally saves about $14 and doubles my travel time but whatever, fuck Amtrak! My trip was mostly uneventful (unlike the last one!), though I did spend some quality time with a strange Russian man who methodically unpacked and repacked three large suitcases, right in the aisle of the train, muttering quietly to himself in Russian. He had many shirts, bags of souvenirs (or drugs!) and a portable blood pressure machine. I also spilled hot coffee all over myself, and the floor, and spotted a man who logic would say was a Ben Franklin impersonator (we were in Philadelphia, after all) but I’m pretttty sure was actually proof that Ben Franklin is now either a ghost or a zombie. Is it possible to be both?

Whist at home I was forced to do something I swore I’d never try again. Crystal meth. JK! I love crystal meth. But I hate driving. I am, certifiably, one of America’s Worst Drivers. (Someday soon I will tell you the greatest tale ever told, about a lil accident I once had. Spoiler alert: mine was the only vehicle involved, and it happened in my driveway.) I’m a disaster behind the wheel and my anxiety only makes me more of a mess. 85% of the reason I live in NYC is so I can take public transportation. The other 15% is mostly pizza related. In the suburbs you have to drive, no matter how short the distance. If someone spots you walking in my town they assume you either got a DUI or are a migrant farm worker. It’s whack. But it must be done.

Monday afternoon rolled around and I found myself with many places to go, and no one to bribe to drive me there. So for the first time in at least a year and a half, I strapped myself in, strapped on a pair, and drove a car. And it wasn’t that bad! I didn’t hit anyone or anything! I may have gone the wrong way down a one way street once or twice but I blame this on poor city layout, NOT on myself. (Yiiiikes!)

My strategy, and this is a great one, was to drive like an old lady. We’re talking big sunglasses, hands clutching the wheel at 10 and 2, never breaking the speed limit. I’m sure everyone on the road hated me, but that’s certainly an improvement over running into stone walls. (Spoiler alert AGAIN!)

What surprised me was, the more I drove like an old lady, the more I became and actual old lady. Sure I had the windows way down and Mariah Carey way, way up (I dare you not to blast this jam, but the longer I drove, the more curmudgeonly I became. A few blocks from my house, I was headed up a small hill when, down towards me in the other direction came a couple of teenagers (teenagers!) flying down the hill, weaving over the center line and I legit stopped my car, leaned halfway out of the window and, waving my balled up fist yelled “Slow down, kids! You’re going to kill somebody!” The driving may not have been as scary as I thought, but the image of me doing my best impression of that crabby old lady from the Hallmark cards is enough embarrassment to keep me out of the driver’s seat for another year and a half.

You know, this broad.

Now slow down. And get off my lawn.