How To Ride Out a Hurricane

Day 1:

  • Wake up hungover, contemplate dying
  • Eat bagel, revive
  • Wait too long to go to grocery store, get caught on hour long check-out line
  • Return home with supplies: fixin’s for chicken chili, 4 cans of chick peas, strawberries & wine
  • Rejoice over official notice that office is closed, crack open wine
  • Cook and feast upon chicken chili, guacamole & pumpkin bread
  • Raucous board game night with beloved roommates & gentleman friend, good moods abound
  • Bed, AFTER 11!

Day 2:

  • Awake to the sound of the wind, simultaneously excited about day off and anxious about work left undone
  • Make coffee, sit down to “work from home.”
  • Respond to 3 emails, drink coffee, refresh Facebook newsfeed
  • Drink more coffee, respond to 2 more emails, obsessively check Hurricane Updates
  • Make a quiche.
  • Shower & dress in non-pajama clothes (jeggings count!) because real clothes make you “feel more productive.”
  • Refresh Facebook newsfeed, storm updates, Twitter & instagram
  • Take off non-pajama clothes and get back into bed, watch TV, nap, etcetera (bow chicka bow wow, High Five!)
  • Reheat chili. Make a bloody mary.
  • Refresh Facebook newsfeed, storm updates, Twitter & instagram.
  • Write 92% of excellent blog post before losing internet & unsaved work. Become despondent. Flop on couch.
  • Read 2 pages of a novel.
  • Go to the front door and stare outside. Do not actually GO outside, you morons, death-defying instagram posts are so not worth it.
  • Look for food for dinner, realize you have already consumed all good food & 80% of booze. Begin to panic.
  • Eat old spaghetti.
  • Flop on the floor & do “stretches” in attempt to alleviate feeling of housebound blobishness.
  • Internet returns! Refresh Facebook newsfeed, storm updates, Twitter & instagram.
  • Receive official update that office is once again closed.
  • Sigh, carefully ration remainder of wine, think of what you have in the house that could be mixed with vodka leftover from lunchtime bloodies. Come up with: canned pumpkin mix, spaghetti sauce, squeezed juice from ¼ of a lemon.
  • Write dumb blog post.
  • Say something thoughtful about hoping everyone is safe, well, dry, alive, etc so as not to appear selfish to internet.
  • Resume couch flopping.
  • Refresh Facebook & Wordpress newsfeeds & marvel at outpouring of comments & likes for witty, wonderful hurricane blog post (hint hint, wink wink).

Day 3:

  • Lather, rinse, repeat.