Friends! Hello from the land of the late twenties, it’s glorious over here. Last night I went to bed at 8:15. Livin’ the dream!
Seriously, though, the last few weeks have actually been quite a whirlwind of good things. I finally got a smartphone, perfected the art of brewing loose-leaf tea and a great, great friend gave me a homemade BLT for my birthday. Pro tip for the many people vying to be my best friend: bacon helps. Especially when piled high between two slices of white bread and slathered with mayo. Nom nom! And on top of all that, there have been some thrilling new developments at my office, which I’ve been working towards for quite some time. As bumper stickers everywhere proclaim: Life is good.
One result of these new shakeups: I get to interview and hire an assistant! Well, I have to share the assistant with my director but whatever, semantics. I am now one assistant closer to being this bitch: A lifelong goal nearly achieved.
The problem is, when it comes to being the boss, I’m a little less Miranda Priestly and more Michael Scott. (hehe!) I want my colleagues to think I am the greatest person on earth and love me like I’m an extension of their own family.
This makes the interview process especially tedious, as I have to physically restrain myself from turning the interview into the Liz Ho Comedic Story Hour: All Puns, All The Time.
Interviews are awkward even without anyone busting out the joke-time finger guns. “Why do you think you are the right candidate for this job?” “Thoughts on teamwork?” “Tell me a time you used creative problem solving techniques.” WHAT does that even meeeaaann?! I just spend the whole time wondering what the person thinks about me and trying not to be too weird. It doesn’t help I don’t have a clue what I’m looking for, I’ve never had an assistant before. I just want someone who thinks I’m hilarious and does all my work for me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I did some Google research to find some interview tips, but it’s all just way too corporate mumbo jumbo for my tastes. To make the process smoother and more efficient, I have compiled what I believe to be a pretty foolproof list of questions I think will help me find the perfect assistant:
- How are you at sandwich making? - Do you clear the time on the communal microwave? - N’Sync or BSB? (There is CLEARLY a right answer here, but I'll accept opposition, if accompanied by a spirited debate.) - Favorite season of The Wire? - Favorite rendition of The Wire theme song? - Does my hair look OK today? - Knock, knock... - Are you vegan? (anyone answering 'yes' to this one is instantly eliminated.) - Can you try to juggle these highlighters? - Did you have any American Girl Dolls? Which one? - How do you feel about Zooey Deschanel? - Name three things you like about me, just based on the short time we’ve had here. - Now go get me a bagel.
And then I’ll just send them out the door like this:
PERRRRFECT. Send me your resume if you're interested! xo