Monday: I had to wear sneakers to the office due to my foot wound. I joked about how I think people always want to know everything about me but guess what: they really do! No fewer than 5 people asked me what was up with my footwear. Go away! I don’t ask you why you’re wearing a hat in a professional workspace or what you were thinking cutting your hair that length or who told you it was OK to wear black socks with brown shoes. Don’t ask me about my sneakies!
I saw someone had left behind a totally clean, fresh, wrapped and everything tampon in one of the bathroom stalls. I thought about taking it (those things are like $8 bucks a pop!) but thought it might have been gross and weird. Was I right? Or did I miss out on a really great opportunity for free feminine hygiene products? Life: full of tough choices!
Later I made an amazing, life changing discovery. Did you know that Duane Reade drugstores sell sandwiches for just $2.99 and that these sandwiches are delicious? I am 100% not joking in saying this is my new go-to eatery.
I sort of hosted, I guess, a party for an author I’m working with. It was in a very swanky apartment on Park Avenuethat had 2 doormen, maids quarters and at least 12 rooms. I wore pearls but still was so out of place. Anyway, there was this really important guy there from the Paris Review, which I’m pretty sure is a literary journal but I can’t say for sure because I have not ever actually read an issue and I have no plans to do so in the future because I think literary journals are boring. I am amazing at my job. Anyway! I had to ask him if he’d give a little toast for my author but was nervous to approach him. Somehow I got coerced into walking around the room offering guests dumplings off a fancy tray so I just kind of sidled up to the fancy literary guy and was like “Hi! I’m Liz! Would you like some dumplings and also at 7:30 PM could you please make a 2-4 minute toast for the author? The dumplings come with dipping sauce!” He agreed. I then stood in front of him with my dumpling tray making jokes about Chinese gongs. He did not laugh. Did I mention the author was Chinese? This is a horrible story.
Thursday my alma materLoyolaCollegeinMarylandplayed in the NCAA Big Dance for the first time in like 800 years. When I was in school they were on game away from being the losingist team in all of history but now they are champions. Every person I know was all jazzed and proud and tweeting about it and I was just like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sportz. I kept forgetting about the game and then tried to watch but just ended up going to bed. I feel so bad about myself for not having any spirit.
I’ve always been like this, though! I think I went to like 3 games the whole time I was in school but mostly just because I thought the team band was cool. Once I googled myself (I google myself all the time!) and came across a newspaper article about our team where some intrepid journalist was interviewing students at a basketball game. He managed to get some great quotes from someone who is both a clear basketball fan and also just an oratory geinus:
…So did two other students attending their first game of the year, Caitlin K. and Liz H.
"Everybody is like, 'What are you doing tonight? Oh, going to the basketball game,'" Liz H said. “ On campus this was probably bigger than the snow," she added. "It was just snow and this was like a big thing. This is something we will talk about for a really long time."
That’s me, Liz H! The one and only time I am quoted in print and I’m rambling about snow in my best valley girl voice. Ugh, jump off a cliff, Liz H.
I was just walking down the hall at work and walked kind of really close to this guy’s cube and just as I passed I sort of exhaled/sighed very loudly, like “huuuhhhhh” and he looked at me with abject horror and it was so weird and I can never leave my desk.
And that’s what I’ve been up to! How was everyone else’s week? Don’t forget to get drunk tomorrow!