One Awkward Morning Commute

You guys! I’m having a weird day! Do you ever have one of those mornings where you wake up and all you can think is “blergh!”? Everything is just so blerghetyblerghetyblergh? You know what I mean? Well my day’s like that. Some people might say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but those people can shut it with their clichés.  I woke up in the middle of the bed, just the way I like it.  It was only after I got out of that cozy nest that things started getting weird.

Because I am a mature, responsible adult, I got up and out a little earlier than usual this AM to run some errands. I grabbed coffee on the way to the train and even managed to get a seat. Taking that seat proved to be a fatal error.

You see, friends, this morning being one of the last days of summer, I chose to sport one of my finest warm-weather get-ups, a floaty, breezy empire waist sundress famously (oh, so famously) worn by hilarious actress (and American Hero) Maya Rudolph in the classic film Away We Go, written by literary wunderkind Dave Eggers and co-starring everyone’s favorite boyfriend Jim Halpert. You can kind of see Maya rocking this ensemble here in some bathtub scene I do not recall from the movie:

You’re not supposed to wear clothes in the tub, sillies! What that photo doesn’t reveal is that she is pregnant, and also that the dress in question is a Mossimo Brand special from Tar-jay.  Classy shit. I topped this off with an on-trend cross body purse and an even more on-trend tote bag from my office holding my lunch. All the rage inNew York fashion: tote bags full of Tupperware and Target maternity wear on non-pregnant ladies.

So my fashionable get-up and I take a seat and quickly become engrossed in our reading (Bossypants for the third time, get a life, Liz) not looking up until we’ve arrived at our destination. Now, on my new hipster commute fromBrooklyn, I have to transfer from an express to a local to get to my office. It’s an easy commute, just a hop across the platform, and has yet to pose a problem. This morning my connection was waiting when I pulled in. All I had to do was calmly stand up, walk out the door and into my awaiting chariot. Easier said than done.

Somehow my stylin’ cross-body bag had slipped off of my shoulder, so when I leapt up upon realizing I’d reached my stop, it became more of a cross-leg bag and I was trapped. Somehow, book in one hand, coffee in the other, I had to sling my tote over my shoulder, untangle myself from my purse and not cause a scene. Literally impossible. Panicking that I’d miss the connection, I set my coffee on the seat beside me, did I-don’t-know-what with the tote bag and sort of just bunched the purse around my waist, grabbed the coffee again and dashed out of the station.

What happens next, I’m sure you all see coming. If not, you may need to work on your reading comprehension skillz. When hoisting my purse to my waist I managed to also hoist the skirt of my dress until it was, in essence tucked into the back of my underwear. As I sprinted from one train to the other, all lucky morning commuters got a fun glimpse of my hot pink booty. Charmed, I’m sure. And once I got on my connection, it took me a minute or two to figure out what was going on. I yanked down the back of the skirt but, thanks to however it was tangled in my purse straps, this just made the front fly up. I pulled on one side, the other rose to armpit level, exposing my full lower half. Kill.Me.Now. Everyone around me seemed to really be enjoying the show, you’re welcome, Uptown 1 Train. The attention which usually would fuel my fire in this instance made me more flustered. I mean, I was once on a full train with a homeless man throwing potato chips at everyone and not a single passenger blinked. But I flash my skivvies and errrrrybody notices. Gah!

What a commute. At this point, the day has no where to go but up and my skirt, god willing, will stay down.