My fans! Hello! I have not abandoned you. I've been so busy banging hot dudes and training for the 2010 Winter Olympics that I haven't had a spare moment to blog. Life can be so complex. You know what else is complex? Using the restroom at the office. You know what I'm talkin 'bout. Everybody poops. I just wish everyone did it at home. In my office we have one ladies room and one mens room for the whole floor. This means that every single person on our floor, from the President of the company through the front desk temps have to share the same john. I ain't shy about toilet issues (clearly, I'm blogging about it), but there are few things that make me more suicidal than office bathroom interaction.
Below are a few prime reasons why, when I’m President of the United States, I’ll mandate private bathrooms for every person in the world. Or at least at whatever company I happen to be employed:
- The Same-Time Walk-In: You’re walking down the hall, and end up in-stride with a co-worker (best if a superior). Suddenly you realize you’re both headed for the ladies room. You walk side-by side into the bathroom, making awkward small-talk, trying to think of a way to wrap things up. “Well, good talking to you, Pam, good luck in there!”
- The Stall-To-Stall Chatter: Even worse than above is the co-worker who wants to chat with you whilst on the loo. There is no need to do business while doing your business.
- Sink Time: You and a co-worker stand side by side washing up. Who will finish first? You don’t want to seem groady. Just keep scrubbing. If you feel like getting frisky, make some competitive eye-contact in the mirror: “You think you’re more hygienic than me? I dare you to try.”
- Makeup Time: Nothing says “Hi, I’m desperate and lonely and hoping to get felt up over a free dinner” like applying bronzer by the fluorescent light of the ladies room. No one needs to see that.
- Anything, ever, involving a high-level boss in the lavatory: There have been times when I’ve purposefully gone to different floors in the building, backtracked on my way to the bathroom, or just plain held it for the rest of the day to avoid having to walk in on my boss applying her lipstick while I’m about to drop a deuce. Kill me.
Other awkward bathroom run-ins include Farting while you pee (it happens!), being on the same schedule (“Oh! You again! Haha!”), having a dude boss and walking out of the ladies room while he walks into the men’s room (Ickyyyy. Boy poop.), carrying supplies for ‘that time of the month’ (eerily reminiscent of Jr. High), and, we can get into this in further detail later, the beer shits.
And on that note, we’re done here. Who's glad I'm back?
Had an awkward bathroom run-in? Leave it in the comments! (I’ve always wanted to say that).