It's The End of the World as We Know It (and I Need a Nap)

Writing this blog post at the Thursday White House, my office, about twelve seconds ago. ENJOY! 

Writing this blog post at the Thursday White House, my office, about twelve seconds ago. ENJOY! 

Fun Fact! Donald Trump is going to become the President of the United States tomorrow! Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I hate you, tomorrow, you're only a day away.  I was just listening to NPR and the host teed up the news by saying "in less than 24 hours, Donald Trump will be sworn in..." and y'all, I nearly spontaneously combusted. IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS THIS IS HAPPENING. I mean, like, obviously I knew this day would someday come but I still thought we had more time. We just need more time!  

And do you ever, even for just a moment, forget? Every now and then in the days since November 9th, I've found myself slipping into a blissful state of mindlessness, completely checked-out from the reality swirling around me before one thing or another pulls me back down to earth. And yes, the shock of remembering jolts me every single time, but oh man, those sweet little moments - usually right when I first wake up in the wee hours of the morning, between refreshing the snooze button, or when I hit my stride on a great run - are pure gold. 

Exceptttt lately life has been conspiring to steal my precious moments (of time, not the religious figurines I received for my First Holy Communion) and things are not going well.

First of all, snooze button? What even is that? I've been absolutely swamped at work since the beginning of the year and I feel like I'm climbing a ladder and every day I get so close to the top only to fall off but then catch a middle rung with one hand and mustering all the upper body and core strength I have, pull myself back up. And then repeat. (Aka "two steps forward, one step back" but less cliche and far more dramatic.)  I've been waking at the crack of dawn to get to my desk as early as I can, working late, and tossing and turning due to the stress of it all. 

I need a nap. Badly. How badly? Let me share just one anecdote to illustrate. 

This afternoon one of my authors was in the office doing a few phone interviews from our in-house studio. I went to meet him to walk to another appointment and when I arrived, he was still on the phone, so I quietly found a seat in the adjoining conference room. As I sat down I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a person sitting on another chair next to me and I was a little startled, I'd thought I was alone, so I quickly and politely gave a little nod and said "hello" and at the same time the other person quickly and politely gave a little nod and said "hello" and oh wait...

FullSizeRender (1).jpg

It wasn't another person, it was a mirror. I was waving and chatting to my own reflection. The whole time. 

So yes, I need a nap. Badly.

And I'd really like to clear my head with a good stretch of the legs and a lap or two around Prospect Park, exceptttt, I'm hobbled, and unable to run. My usually tricky right hip has been just dandy lately, but in a fun twist, my left hip is busted.  I think I may have thrown something into whack over the holidays, because for the past few weeks I've had near constant discomfort in my hip, glute, and IT band, having trouble walking, running, and sitting.So basically just living, really. 

The discomfort became too much to bear (and I really, really miss running!) so I decided to be brave and try acupuncture again (ps I finally learned how to spell that word, only one c!) even though It was one of the more harrowing experiences of my life because I am unable to avoid the lure of a magical holistic cure and/or a good story to tell. 

I was feeling all proud of myself for uterising up and taking care of myself instead of laying on the couch, self-diagnosing via WebMD, and complaining about my life, which is my usual M.O., but hit my first road block when I went to get dressed. I could not for the life of me remember what the protocol vis a vis undergarments was the last time I'd gone in. I remembered a blanket. And taking my pants off. But was I wearing underpants? Or were we full monty down there? Because the primary issue is centered in the piriformis and gluteus medius muscles, aka da butt, I was worried about having too much fabric in the way but also didn't want to show up just like, vag out, you know? 

And then I remembered, thongs! They're a thing! An underwear specific for times when you need your bits covered but your cheeks out, i.e. butt acupuncture and literally that's it because thongs are terrible and life is painful enough already without a string up your b. So I duggggg into the fun drawer where I keep all of my special occasion (read: laundry day) underwear and unearthed a thongity-thong, suited up, and confidently marched out the door.

The whole time I walked over, sat in the waiting room, and then chatted with the acupuncturist in the exam room, I repeated a silent mantra in my head: "don't make it weird, don't make it weird, don't make it weird," and then, as I lay face down, in my lingerie, as a stranger, basically, stuck pins into my butt cheeks it occurred to me that it probably could not get any weirder, no matter what I did and at last, I was able to relax.

And I think my hip's starting to feel better afterwards, too! Now that I'm a mature acupuncture goddess (no), maybe I should get her to 'puncture away my sleeplessness and life would be all better again. I mean, except for the Trump thing.

DO YOU THINK there's a way we could acupuncture ourselves back in time, or maybe acupuncture Trump out of office?? I MEAN! People swear acupuncture is a cure for everything??????

Anywaaay, enough. I'm not 100% sure what either of these stories actually have to do with a) one another or b) tomorrow's Doomsday Situation, but one of my 2017 resolutions was "blog once a week...even if it's not that great" and they were medium funny and I can't focus on work on account of the exhaustion and the butt pain and the dawning apocalypse sooooo here we are. 

And how are you doing? 

Another Awkward Month [Is It Really November 13?!]

If The Facebook is to be believed, it’s been a month since I’ve last haunted this corner of the internet. Also, if the Facebook is to be believed, Kyiie Jenner went out in public in a "low cut black gown" (duh), it’s the 61st Anniversary of the shuttering of Ellis Island (RIP) and like, everyone I know is having a baby and/or running a marathon. Ok those last two might be neurotic projections but yeah, somehow a full 30 days has passed without writing a word. Or one worth sharing, anyway.

In those 30 days I’ve been to one wedding, one christening and two book tours for two #1 New York Times bestsellers. I’ve taken 14 flights and one Acela train (so spoiled for regular trains ever again) across seven states (Ohio, Illinois, Tennessee, North Carolina, Oregon, Colorado, Minnesota, BACK to Ohio) and one District of Columbia (You know, DC. The only District of Columbia we have...).  I visited at least 7 independent bookstores and only purchased four books (!) (stay tuned for reviews, duh), but accidentally lied on Instagram and said I only purchased two  books because sometimes my brain is mush, and did 14 crossword puzzles and only cheated a little bit and took countless clichéd photos out airplane windows and even more countless stupid selfies in fancy hotel elevator mirrors and deleted all of them so no one will ever know! (Well, except everyone because I just admitted it on the internet…pretend you never heard this!) I drank infinity cups of coffee and a surprising amount of wine, considering it was primarily business travel. #thatbooktourlife = the new #thatdondraperlife. I ate $23 worth of room service yogurt in Nashville, fried chicken in Cincinnati, dozens of weird pre-packaged hardboiled eggs in various airports and while in Portland, managed to drag my author to my favorite joint for the best fries in the goddamn nation.

This was on the very first day of her tour and I admit I was a little nervous for what the week would hold, we’d essentially be spending every waking moment together for the next six days – travelling for work is always a little awkward! But I knew we were good to go when, our first meal together, I said “Ok…so I know a place nearby and, well, all I’ll say is that it’s called LARDO…” and she said “Oh I am IN” and we proceeded to chow down on gigantic pork belly sandwiches together.

Like, what if I’d been out on the road with a vegan or something? I’d have had to sneak secret cheese in my hotel room every night. The horror!

Luckily it didn’t come to that.

It all was actually so much fun…even when it was completely draining. I got to meet one of my literary idols, Ann Patchett, and lots of super cool indie booksellers (American heroes, y’all!) and hang out with my bookstore buddies Niki and Mary Laura in Nashville and reconnect with a dear friend in Minneapolis who I haven’t seen in years and years and YEARS and on my last night on the road, and catch up with an author I used to work with (and adore!) in Denver and while in DC, my bff Mo met me and we snuggled and drank wine in my schmancy hotel room. And, professionally, it was just such an incredible opportunity. I feel like I’ve learned so much about my job and am going to be so much more thoughtful in planning book tours in the future and spending that much one-on-one time with these two authors brought us closer and (I HOPE!) helped them to know and trust me better.

I know, I know, it's really boring to hear other people talk about their jobs but just indulge me for a moment, ok? 

ANN PATCHETT ZOMG

That's me and Liz G and Annie P right there. #BFF. Keeping it very, very cool. 

Mainly I’m only reflecting on the work travel at this point because the party stuffs, the wedding and the christening, seem like they were legit, decades ago.  If I recall correctly they were a blast? I just feel like 2015 has been an utter blur. On Monday I called my dermatologist to schedule an appointment (PSA: get annual skin exams!) and had my work calendar open and she said “How about this Wednesday” and I said “great, see you Wednesday the 3rd” and she kind of stuttered and said “No...the 11th...it’s already the 9th of November.”

POR QUA?! What is happening in this world.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, into the future…”

Oh, no, wait, that was from the Space Jam Soundtrack.

It really does keep slippin’, tho! I am very happy that it has slipped me back on home to Brooklyn and to this hunka hunka Uniqlo model. 

that uniqlo model life

I missed him so much!

Barf I know but can’t stop, won’t stop. Try me. 

I am sure you’re all wondering if I managed all these zillions of flights and things without a hitch (and by “you’re all wondering” I mean “is anyone reading this?”) and I can proudly say: NOPE. So! Quickly! Just a few highlights of what was keeping it awkward on #thatbooktourlife.

This Sandwich:

ARbys baby

 

Ok not this exact sandwich, that's a stock image from Arbys.com (We have the meats!) but close enough. So I was flying from Asheville, North Carolina back up to NYC which involved a layover in Charlotte. This is unrelated to the tale at hand, but let me tell YOU the flight from Asheville to Charlotte is THE PRETTIEST! You get in a teeny tiny, surprisingly not that scary plane and putter on over the mountains really low and close and the foliage was redonkulous.

redonkulous foliage

FOLIAGE. WAS. REDONKULUS.

Anyway not the point. So initially my layover time was about 14 minutes, coming into Gate E32, leaving out of Gate C11, clear across the airport. I swear, every time I’m in Charlotte it’s just to sprint between terminals. My author had headed off on another flight ,so I was on my own. I was a pinch nervous about making the connection and admittedly relieved when we landed and our connecting flight back to NYC was now an hour delayed.

I moseyed (LOL as if I’d ever “mosey”...I calmed my manic sprint-walk to a medium trot) from gate to gate, stopping to pee, grabbing a big sandwich and when I arrived at Gate C11 there were many people seated around, so I plopped myself in an open chair and started to go to town on my sandwich. Time passed, lah lah lah, and suddenly I heard a low, garbled mumble over the loudspeaker:

“Largst coall flerght 893 ter Lorgordora”

Did that man just say “last call flight 893 to La Guardia?!?”

I grabbed my sandwich and my bags and ran to him AS HE WAS CLOSING THE GATE and yelled “Sir! Sir! Wait! Is this flight leaving now?? But you said it’s delayed?”

And he just stared at me and then scanned my boarding pass and pushed me through, slamming the jet bridge doors behind me.

Turns out, though the flight was delayed by an hour, they went ahead and boarded as planned and made us sit in the plane during that time just in case.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW!!!

So yes, made the flight by the skin of my teeth. It almost left without me! It’s not even like I was running to catch a plane! I was sitting there the whole time! I was just chilling, eating a sandwich. My full transformation continues...

leave the sandwich?!

This Cocktail:

gin on a train

So now we’re on tour two, with the author of THIS blockbuster (she’s very fun, in case you’re curious!) and our last leg was an Acela train from DC up to NYC. ‘Twas noonish on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and we decided, for the instagrams, of course - anything to sell the book! - that there was only one thing for us to do: drink some gin & tonics.

(The meaning of this is known to anyone who has read this book and to anyone who hasn’t, I ask yet again, what are you waiting for?! )

So! We get some gin. Well actually P went first and the snack stand lady accidentally gave her little vodkas, instead of gin, so I went back and was like  um, we actually ordered gin?” and she was like “IT”S NOON GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!” No she wasn’t, she was totally nice about it, but I did have to resist the urge to over-explain that we’re not total lushes, we’re just doing it for the ‘gram.

(And ok...maybe we’re a little lushy.)

So we get our gin and pose our pics and make our cocktails and we sip and sip and laugh and laugh and realize we’re pulling towards our final destination, so we begin to ready ourselves to deboard and I somehow end up pouring half a gin and tonic all over my chair.

All Over.

gin now all over the train literally

Which, of course, brought me to a crucial dilemma in that I KNEW I had to snap a photograph, duh, but I’m on a frigging work trip and as unprofessional as spilling a cocktail in the middle of the afternoon is, then pausing in the clean-up with the excuse “oh it’s for my blog” is verrrry unprofessional, so I grabbed my phone in one hand and some napkins in another and snapped a very surreptitious photo while she helped me clean up and she felt so badly for me and I was just like GURL you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I managed to keep myself relatively cool out on tour, but the magic is wearing off. Cinderella is leaving the ball and turning back into a hot mess of a pumpkin housemaid.

Or whatever.

And that, my sweets, was that. I'm sure a zillion more things happened and I could keep you here all day but I shan't because honestly enough's enough, right? And now I’m back to reality, here in NYC being normal again. And by normal, I mean posing for selfies while eating a pickle on a stick.

pickle on a stick

You know, "normal."

Did you miss me while I was gone? Betcha didn’t! But here we are again. As always I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to! And as always, I'm sure that no one will indulge me with an answer but I'll still ask, you know, just in case.

Happy Friday, loves. Friday the 13th, even! I just realized that. Spooooooooooooooky. Be careful out there! 

xoxo Liz Hott 

 

 

 

 

Another Awkward Week [8.28.15]

Hi! How are you this fine Friday?! I'm typing this ON MY COUCH, bah-boom. Our company is in the midst of an internal move - basically they're taking however many hudred (thousands? millions? I'm so bad at guesing quantities, like, anything between 20 and 75 billion is the same to me) of employees work in our building and shifting them all around so as a result, we're all working from home yesterday & today (LOL "working"). Woot. When we return Monday morning, everyone will be in a new spot. It's kind of exciting! I mean, I still have no windows and look out onto a hallway BUT I do believe this new office of mine is like .074 square feet larger than the old one and I've determined this time I'm finally going to get serious about organization and decor.

I even got rid of my 2012 wall calendar, the centerpiece of my design asthetic which I left hanging on my wall for 2.75 years too long. 

Just call me Grace Adler! (Remember? From Will & Grace? Because she was an interior designer?? No? Ok moving on.) 

Anyway, as a result of this funness, most of my goof-off time which I'd usually spend attempting to blawg was instead channeled into frantically purging and packing and cleaning my old office which, as I'm sure you can guess, resulted in a treasure trove of FUN. So you get no exciting updates on my life this week because your girl was busyyyy but do enjoy this stunning portrait:

wiggin' out

Also this one.

HOT

OBV I kept all of these items. Files? Garbage. Old books? WHO NEEDS BOOKS??? Wigs? Cherish them forever. 

To help us with this moving process, the company set up a big bin in the lobby for Goodwill / general donations and y'all, my sparklers and halloween costumes and 75 bolts of wrapping paper didn't even come close to the top 10 or even top 80 most interesting items in there. I tried to take a photo but it came out looking like, well a pile of crap, which it was, but just to give you a sense of what we're working with here, envision a retulation life jacket. A life jacket!!!  Like, orange, official, probably taken from a cruise ship or something.

What! Whyyyyy did someone have a life jacket in their office and who are they and can they please become my very best friend forever and ever and ever?? Life Jacket Person: all of me, loves all of you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose...I'm winning.

And that is what's UP. I'll be back next week (SEPTEMBER? What the eff?) with some deep thoughts on marriage (maybe) and full recap of our big trip to DC & Portland so if you like bees, pork, frenzied drives through pine forests, pirates and/or craft beers you're probably not going to want to miss that one. 

Until then, enjoy a few links from 'round the web that I enjoyed between slow bouts of emailing yesterday. "Working" from home is the life, guys. Can I do this every week? 

One Star Yelp reviews of National Parks (this had me legit LOL) 

My two best friends: Gigi Hadid & The Blair Witch!! (See also: SMELLY CAT!

The trick for perfect eyelashes - I have been doing this since 7th Grade when I read in Seventeen Magazine that this is how Jewel (who has a memior coming out this fall!!!!!!!) did her eye makeup and I'm super beautiful so ... hot tip here gals (or guys! I don't judge!) 

Pep Talk Generator

Do you have Ferrante Fever?? I'm SO behind (only read book one so far!) which is about the failingest of fails here in the NYC Literary Community (gag me with a spoon) but this Vanity Fair interview with the superrrrr elusive author is totally inspiring me to get back at it. 

And on the topic of passionate female friendships, @nytonit says female bffs are the new power couples. Like, duh! 

Ok the end! Have a marvelous weekend! If you go boating, don't forget your life jacket - I know where you can find one if you need it!

xoxoxo Liz Hott

 

Another Awkward Week [7.24.25]

Hello, world! It's Friday. How was your week? Mine was totally better than last week untillllllll yesterday. 

So my colleague has a mild (major) online shopping habit and a few of us were in her office pawing through a new delivery of swimsuits, discussing how off the sizing seemed on the tops. I held one up to my chest, cupped my boobs and said - loudly - "this is a real precarious nipple situation" when who should choose that very moment to walk past the open office door and hear/see me than my MALE BOSS.

Bye forever I quit!

wine

JK I need the money. Wine (even screwtops) ain't free.

ALSO this is only the second most awkward OBMMB (Overheard By My Male Boss, duh) Moment in my life. The first comes from way back in my young assistant days. I was working for a different male boss at the time and one day I was sitting in my cubicle chatting with some of my girlfriends about my recent visit to the gynecologist. (Publishing is so full of women, we sometimes find it maybe too safe a space to share our personal lives.) My cube had those high walls on 3 sides where you could just see the tippy top of people's heads as they walked past. So there we were, chatting away and I was telling them how my gyno and I had been discussing the guardasil shot, which I'd been hesitant to get because it wasn't covered by my insurance and I said, AND I QUOTE:

"She said I could just go to Planned Parenthood and get it taken care of."

"...get it taken care of..." 

WHOOOOOOSE head do you think we saw come over the cube wall at that very very veryeryeryery moment? 

MMB. 

Who now clearly assumed I was dealing with some kind of scandalous unplanned pregnancy situation. Awk. I briefly entertained the idea of letting him think that and trying to get a few days off but that would be macabre EVEN FOR ME so I just pretended it never happened but oh god guys, you think I'd have learned my lesson about yelling possibly inappropriate things in the office, wouldn't you? 

WOULDN'T YOU???

You would be wrong.

Happy weekend, babes. Be on guard for precarious nipple situations! Or at least shut the door when you're talking about your body parts! 

xoxo Liz Hott

Living and Learning and Awkwardly Smooching

Oh hey! What's been going on? Facebook just reminded me I haven't blogged in a full week. Wah-hoops. Such a nag, that Zuckerberg. 

blah blah

I've been running around even madder than usual this past, like, fortnightish, as I have an author in town so I've been extra busy at work, bopping all up and down and around going to interviews and events and things. It's hectic but actually really fun and way better than sitting at a desk all day. The author is super cool too - he's Israeli and funny and brilliant. Check him on Fresh Air here! And check this hideous picture of me listening in on his interview. 

IMG_3360.JPG

OH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY TERRY GROSS! Its ya girl Liz! 

(I feel like this photo really emphasizes my crooked chin. Have I ever mentioned my crooked chin here?! Look at that slope!)

Anywaaay, everything's been going great great GREAT with his book and his publicity visit and such except for one thing: the kissing. 

Not as scandalous as it sounds, I swear!!! 

As I said, dude is Israeli and I guess in Tel Aviv they greet one another with the cosmopolitan one cheek kiss. I met him for breakfast at 8:30 AM on a Monday before his first media day. He was sitting at the table already when I got there and as I came over he stood up and like, swooped in for the hello and I didn't know what was happening so I went in for a hug and he tried to do a cheek kiss but then HE got confused and we both kind of just like, sort of hugged, cheek to cheek, for what felt like a year but couldn't have been that long.

Could it have?

Ugh.

So then a few nights later I went to an event with him in Brooklyn and after it wrapped I was putting him in a cab and it turns out cheek kissing is a goodbye thing too, so he leaned in and this time I was totally prepared except I tried too hard to act natural and made a really loud "mwah" noise like I was some kind of, I don't know, sassy Long Island housewife or something.

Tooooootally natural.

Of course on top of this crazy work week I've had all sorts of general, you know, grown up shit to deal with (I will never cease complaining about how exhausting it is to be a functioning human adult person) and could not manage to squeeze writing into the mix. I was feeling terribly guilty and garbagy (it's a word) about this, you know I do passionate self-criticism better than anybody, when I found myself at this aforementioned "mwah" inducing work event in Brooklyn and this author inspired an epiphany, guys. AN EPIPHANY! 

During the audience Q&A, someone asked him about his  writing schedule, or lack thereof. He said, and I paraphrase, "when you have an urge to write you must write...unless your life gets in the way. In which case you always pick your life first. If you're not living, you'll have nothing to write about."

So simple. So brilliant. Isn't it neat how sometimes you hear just what you didn't know you needed to hear?

I think this applies even if you're not into writing. Just sub in whatever it is you think you should be doing or feeling guilty over not achieving and acknowledge it and then, if you need to, set it aside and live your life. It'll get done. 

So that's what I've been up to. Less stressing, more living. 

Well, that and awkwardly kissing professional colleagues. 

And what have YOU been up to?

MWAH!

Liz Hott

 

Another Awkward Week [5.28.15]

Yo. I'm posting my week in review on a Wednesday this week cuz it's my party, I'll blog if I want to. Also, as of tomorrow morning I'll be trapped for the rest of my life without internet in the belly of the Javits Center aka New York City's premier convention center aka the seventh circle of hell. 

 Yes! It's the most wonderful time of the year. For the remainder of the week, I'll be yukking it up at Book Expo America, a deeee-lightful event I've complained about eighty hundred times before and will continue to complain about until I die / leave publishing, whichever comes first. As of today I'm purty sure they'll be linked, cause of death: General Withering Away Due to Lack of Sunlight and Non Hot-Dog or Soft Pretzel Related Nutritional Consumption.

Bye, guys, it's been real!

Ohhh-kay I'm just being melodramatic but y'all know how I roll. I like my drama as melo as can be. This convention is not actually as bad as I'm making it out to be, it is a pretty fun way to get to meet professional colleagues who I might only know via email and to learn about big books coming out later this year and books are cool and I'm lucky to get a chance to be in the mix of something I so truly love aaaannnnndddd every year the American Doll Company has a big booth which helps me keep up to date on all the latest and greatest in that world (though, don't even get me started on the phasing out of classic historical dolls like Samantha and Felicity in favor of "Dolls of Today," I have MANY thoughts, y'all. Many.) so life could always be worse! 

That said, I have a bad feeling about this year's expo, I have not exactly started off on the best foot.

My first official BEA event this year was a breakfast meeting yesterday morning for book publicists and media members to mix and mingle before the madness of the convention really began in earnest. The event was yesterday morning at 8:30 AM at another publisher's office in midtown Manhattan. I arrived early, at 8:15 and killed the time browsing in the Gap next door. 

So far, so good.

I rolled into the festivities around 8:33 and employed my number one networking technique which is to make a beeline for the food and then talk exclusively only to people you already know.

It's a foolproof method! 

I grabbed a bagel, liberally lathered each side with cream cheese - veggie on one side, scallion on the other, dis party was fancy y'all - and waved hello to a girl I know, the vigorous motion of my enthusiastic hello causing one half of my bagel (the scallion half!!) to fall to the carpet, cc side down.

Did anyone notice? Obv. Numerous people gathered round helping me to clean up my mess, assuring me it was OK, generally drawing more attention to the situation as I got increasingly flustered, trying to casually eat my remaining bagel half with one hand while holding a wad of dirty napkins and my coffee with the other and somehow convince these people I know how to be in public.

I'm not sure anyone bought it. The pal I waved to kept politely asking me if she could hold my coffee while I ate which I'm prettty sure is code for "get your shit together, woman." 

I declined.

THEN! Halfway through noshing on my remaining bagel half, or, having consumed a quarter of my bagel if you're into mathematics, another colleague came up behind me, put her hand on my shoulder and kindly whispered "your zipper!" before zipping up the back of my dress which I had apparently left hanging halfway open upon leaving the house.

Get. Your. Shit. Together. Woman!

I distinctly remembered putting on my dress, zipping it as far as I could and leaving the rest until Brian got out of the shower, upon which time I meant to ask him to finish it but apparently I forgot. What the heck, Liz?! 80% of the reason to even bother getting married is so you have a man around the house to zip you in and out of your clothes. FACT. 

(The other 20% is for tax purposes, by which I mean get your spouse to do your taxes for you while you go to Trader Joe's.) 

The pain did not end there. I halfheartedly attempted to salvage the morning, blandly wandering about, trying to muster up the energy/confidence to strike up a conversation with a stranger. THIS just ended with me like, weirdly lingering around a group of women I know from my office before awkwardly inserting myself into their conversation...and getting called on being kind of weird.

"Why were you just hovering around?!" one asked me in a manner that may have been laughing with me but also, possibly AT me. At this point my ego was as fragile as the shell of a freshly laid organic farm egg so I really couldn't quite tell. 

WHOMP. 

I chatted with them for about four more minutes before tucking my tail between my legs and heading back downtown, where at the very least I could drop food on the floor in the privacy of my own office.

So so far this BEA I have made ZERO new professional connections, spilled a meal on the ground, flashed my sensible nude bra to a room full of strangers AND been called out on acting like a weirdo.

Slaying it.

I am genuinely frightened for what the next two days might have in store. Wish me luck, babes. I think I need it. 

xoxo Liz Ho