Another Awkward Week [5.5.16]

Hello, it's me. 

I'm in New York where it's rainy and it makes me have to pee. 

And just like that, it's MAY. It's been grey and drizzly here for the entirety of the month to-date and I am not feeling it. This just does not fit the narritive of my very best joke at all. April showers are to bring May flowers which bring PILGRIMS! If the April showers just bring May showers...what do we get? Wet pilgrims, I guess? That's not hilarious!!! 

What is hilarious is that I'm typing this sitting in my office with the door locked and my pants off. 

Allllll the way off.

Why? Why not!

Nooooo, you know why. Despite the torrential downpours and frigid temps, I refuse to dress in warm and appropriate attire because it is MAY goddamn it, and I did not spend a collected $43 on all of this chic finery from the Old Navy Spring '16 collection to just let it rot away in the closet. NO! Today I tossed caution to the wind (the literal wind, this weather can eat me) and wore white jeans (before Memorial Day!!!) and made it all the way until 4:24 PM stain-free and then I ate two mini Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and maybe also squeezed them in between my legs like a thighmaster workout because somehowwww I have not one, not two, not even three but FOUR separate chocolate blobs on my pants and in like, the inner sanctum region.

How, friends, HOW? Honestly there are some questions I just don't think we want the answers to.

At any rate, the stains were too widespread and ferocious for me to Tide Pen whilst they were still on my legs, so I had to get surrrious and also pantsless and whelp, here we are.

I know what you're thinking and it is that today is Cinco de May and we should probably all do some tequila shots. That's a great thought! 

And the other thing you are, of course, thinking is that I probably shouldn't wear white pants, given my track record with eating. That is also a great thought! Butttt, yesterday I wore black pants, theoretically the safest color of the whole rainbow, and dropped half an avocado on myself and had a Grinch-green schmear on my thigh for the rest of the day so really there just is no safe answer. 

Although I may have discovered a outstation to my problems! Well, my food stain problem. The rest of my myriad issues remain! Yay therapy! This past weekend I went to visit my little bestie in Chicago for her FIRST BIRTHDAY (can you even believe it???) and during meal times she was rocking this number:

poncho baby

Yes, that is a MEAL TIME PONCHO. Forget a bib, this baby is rocking a full poncho to protect her cute lil outfits. Not just a bib. A full poncho. I need one!! I mean, I am basically as messy an eater as a one-year-old (though, this particular one-year-old does have very advanced motor skills, she's kind of the smartest ever) so I should take a cue from the toddler set and wear a poncho to the dinner table. It's my only option. 

The only option! 

Much like celebrity deaths or Mighty Ducks movies, all food spills must come in threes and good news, dudes, the avo & choco are actually numbers 2 & 3 for the week, so I'm finally in the clear, phew...until next week, at least.

The first spill of the week occurred on Tuesday morning. I'd spent several hours the previous evening whipping up a sundried tomato, goat cheese & caramelized onion quiche with a gluten-free sweet potato crust and oh-so carefully sliced it into four portions for the week into individual tupperware containers and I gently carted one of the slices into work and heated it up in the microwave and pulled it out of the microwave and plated it on a REAL PLATE because I'm not a heathen, I keep actual dishes in my office, that's how high my commitment to fine dining is, and I had a few little sliced strawberries on the side for a little breakfast dessert and then somehow I flipped the whooooole plate onto the ground and it landed with a splat and I yelled "OH NO!!!" and multiple people came running thinking I was like, injured or dying, but no I was just sad about my breakfast and causing a scene. 

As ya do.

Anyway, I went down to the cafe below our office to buy a replacement breakfast and the barista had accidentally rung in the previous customer's order twice and had two large coffees just burning a hole in the counter and did I want one, with half and half? You bet I did.

So that turned things around just a lil bit!

 Spend a lot of time making a healthy and fancy breakfast and then throw it on the floor and then go buy an overpriced croissant but also get a free coffee. I feel like there's some kind of metaphor for life in there, you know? Like, you can plan for things but they'll probably go totally wrong but then they'll go ok in a totally different way!

Oh yeah. 

I'm like Brene Brown over here with these revelations! 

And how has May treated YOU so far? 

Better than this, I sure do hope!

lucy is so sad but still adorable

Ok - my pants are dry. Time to re-enter polite society.

Smooches!

Liz Ho 

Another Awkward Week or Twelve [1.22.16]

Hi and happy Friday! And Happy New Year too, I suppose! When is too late to wish someone a Happy New Year? January 12th? MLK Day? Today??

Ok maybe it is too late to say Happy New Year but don’t you dare ever let anyone tell you it is too late to say sorry...even if you are only missing their body.

Oh, fun fact: I’m a Belieber now. 

At any rate, as mentioned earlier this week, I’ve just emerged from a literary fugue state known as A Little Life. What a sheer pleasure it is to be fully overtaken by a book, you know? The one downside to my line of work is that books are, well, work, so sometimes it can be hard to distance myself from a novel without getting too into my head, thinking of sales figures and comp titles and wondering just what Michiko thought of this plotline?! So it’s a real treat to get hooked in a book, to remember why it is I love reading so much in the first place. But then the downside to this upside, I suppose, is that sometimes you get so hooked that you look up and realize half a month -  1/24th of a whole year! - has whizzed right by you.

Worth it, I think!

And so, 22 days later: Happy New Year! How’s your 2016 going?? Do you have any hopes or dreams or goals for this year? Are you a resolution maker? I am usually all about that life but decided this year to make but one resolution: No Resolutions. I know that’s kind of an oxymoron but whatever, the world is a confusing place guys just go with it.

I realized that New Year, New You messaging does not exactly bring out the best in me. I don’t need the excuse of a blank calendar to dwell on all of my faults (real or imagined) and stress about how I might fix them … that’s kind of my main hobby, all day, errrday. So! In an attempt to cut myself some slack, I’m saying fuck resolutions. Could I do more yoga and waste less money on groceries and stop biting my nails and procrastinate less at the office? Probably! But also, like, yoga once a week is better than zero and I spend all that money because cooking beautiful food makes me happy and ok, the nails actually are an issue but whatever, everyone needs a flaw or twelve and studies show that procrastinators are actually creative geniuses so maybe I’m doing just fine. Thinking about it, the main thing in my life that needs the most vital overhaul is my mental health and the constant, ulcer-inducing pressure I put on myself to be the Best Me I Can Be. I think it might do me well to stop trying so hard and just focus on appreciating and nurturing all the good things in my life that make me the Most Pretty OK But Not Actually That Terrible Me I Currently Am.

So I’m resolving not to resolve! The year ahead will bring new challenges and new celebrations, new successes and new failures and I’ll meet them each head on as they arrive.

Boom shackalacka boom.

And that’s what’s up over here. I have no funny stories or photos to share because again, my brain has been trapped in the exquisite torture chamber of A Little Life, but the year is young so I’m sure I’ll have ample opportunities to make up for lost time. Maybe even this weekend! Do you have any fun plans? A storm is a brewin’ on the East Coast, allegedly, though I have a feeling it’s going to poop out by the time it hits NYC. Start of the week they were predicting feet of snow and now we’re down to 3-5 inches, snore. Regardless, we’re fully stocked up on booze and snack foods.

Actually this storm is a fun experiment for the Hott Household. For all of my obsessive meal planning and pantry stocking in the day to day, I’m garbage at storm preparation. We’ve now weathered two hurricanes and several blizzards together and each time I make a HUGE to-do about getting supplies and then we end up with like, nothing.  I don’t know what happens! I think I get really fixated on making one huge fancy Weather Event Meal and forget about everything else. So I’ll buy one million different fresh herbs and hand-pulled noodles and make an elaborate pasta dish which we then promptly devour and realize I forgot about any other meals and all the stores are closed and we're stuck inside with just a small bowl of leftovers, 85 bottles of pinot noir and our love to keep us fed. 

So finally this storm I handed the reins to Brian. He’s running the show this time!! He hit the grocery store last night and it looks like he did pretty OK for himself. There’s bacon, bloody mary mix, a variety of alcoholic beverages, chips and salsa, like nine things of hummus, stew ingredients, eggs, lots of goodness.

I think he might just pull this off! It’s possible that Brian is actually our family’s champion grocery shopper. Maybe I’ll even chill out enough to let him do the non-emergency shopping, even if that means he gets the wrong kind of lettuce.

Maybe there IS no wrong kind of lettuce!! 

I think the Year of No Resolutions is already working! Look what a chill and relaxed person I am already.

Ok that's enough out of me. Ending this ramble with a warning to be safe out there and a reminder that OH YES this blizzard is named Winter Storm Jonas...as in Kevin, Joe & Nick, duh.

image credit @hobbstopper 

image credit @hobbstopper 

My brilliant friend Jaime made this and it fills me with PURE JOY. She has plenty more great memes + gorgeous hand-lettering and art + adorable children over at her instagram, so if you're into this (and you are), follow away! 

Have a blessed weekend, my friends. Stay warm! 

xoxo Liz Hott 

 

 

 

Another Awkward Week [11.20.15]

Ok, hi. How are you? Dudes, I know, it’s been a while. I was on such a roll there for like, three weeks, and then it all kind of crashed down around me (lol the dramz) and now I’m having a hard time getting back in the swing of things. I don’t know! I’m trying! No, I’m not trying even a little, that is a lie. I’m VERY distracted doing adult life things, like looking at rugs on the internet (which do you like better, this one or this one?) (or this one?) (OR THIS ONE HALP IT’S AN ENDLESS BLACK HOLE) and stressing about what to get my in-laws for Christmas and also I have gotten embarrassingly into doing crossword puzzles, so that sexy hobby takes up a fat chunk of my life these days.

Also-also, I’ll admit it, I’ve been feeling a little blah about this whole blogging thing (blah-ging?), like what even is the point? I was feeling very self-defeatist, thinking  this is so dumb and I’m not contributing anything worthwhile to society and wondering why I even to do this in the first place.

I was ready to just shut it all down (again with the dramz) when a friend of mine regaled me with a tale of dropping her Diva Cup on the floor of the public restroom in her workplace, telling me she instantly thought of me as she scrambled to retrieve it without causing too much of a scene and it was JUST what I needed to hear. That is why I do this. To offer other women solidarity and empowerment in the midst of their Diva Cup –related hijinks. And teach men what Diva Cups are. Look it up, bros! And thank your lucky stars for those Y chromosomes…being a human woman is a gory nightmare.

This blog is so worthwhile for society. The world needs me!!

So let’s go right on ahead and take a look at what’s been keeping it awkward lately, mainly exclusively These Boots: 

danger boots

Earlier this year I went on a bit of a rampage in search of the perfect bootie (I already found the perfect BOOTY and it’s attached to a one Mr. Hott) and had my eye on these babies from DSW, perfect knock-offs of the Sam Edelman Petty Boot which I adore. I had a pair of the Edelmans that I got on a super duper discount a few years ago but they were this weird like, tan color and I absolutely destroyed them which was sad because I loved them and they were so comfortable and so I decided I’d get a black pair but I can’t justify spending more than $100 on shoes – or anything – because I’m a cheapy cheapster, even though I know you should pay money for quality products or whatever.

What a long and ultimately very dull sentence!

I thought I’d hit the jackpot with these store brand rip-offs, priced at just $60, minus a 10% off coupon. So I bought them, immediately ignoring any red flags from the website comment section, such as this one:

“The shoes are the most uncomfortable shoe I'vr worn. it hits a little below the ankle and there's a lot of space in between. Therefore, as I walk, the top keeps hitting the bone of ankle area. It hurts as I walked, whether going up or down the stairs, walking straight ahead, it's too painful to wear. Unfortunately i am unable to return this shoe since I've worn them. BUT DO NOT BUY IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR ANKLE TO SUFFER!"

How's THAT for drama, am I right folks? Most of the other commenters seemed to love them and the 1.8 seconds I had them on in the store they were GREAT so I threw away all the packaging and sprayed them with leather protector and hit the goddamn town. By which I meant “went to work” because I’m a dull grown-up.

I had made it no further than 8 steps from my home when I realized that I, like Gob Bluth, had made a huge mistake. The top portion of the boot was indeed jabbing into my ankle, causing instant blisters. Walking down the subway steps was pure torture and up them on the other side was basically waterboarding of the ankles and I was literally dripping blood.

I usually have a bunch of band-aids in my purse because, you know, I’m me and therefore constantly bleeding from somewhere, but I must have used them all up on other injuries because I could only find one floating around. I bandaged up one of the legs but still had to figure out what to do about the other gaping flesh wound for the remainder of my .7 mile trek to the office. So I concocted the genius idea to just shove a few tissues into my shoe to create a barrier which sort of  worked but sort of not, the tissues just kind of flapped around and made things more uncomfortable and if you think walking into your workplace with a bunch of bloody rags poking out of your shoes would not draw attention well, you would be super-duper wrong.

bloody ankle pain

Good times.

I remained committed to the shoes (why), despite the pain, figuring I’d break them in and they wouldn’t be as painful when rubbing up against tights instead of bare legs and I was totally right on that front! The leather no longer causes me dire pain…so what more could go wrong?!?!

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN

Fast-forward to a few weeks later, another tragic walk from my home to the subway, once again sporting these shoes. Mind you this is a four block walk. A lot can happen in 3 minutes when you are me, I guess. So I have this weird way of walking where I think I step heel first sometimes? Also I’m always moving at about 300 miles / hour because I am maniac on the sidewalk and I often will step kind of jankily on the back of my foot – especially in a wedge or a high-heel – and trip up a little bit. This time I don’t know if the boots were not yet scuffed up enough or I stepped on a leaf or the sidewalk was wet or something. I don’t know what happened except one minute I was walking all like…

strutting leo meme hottsauce

And then the next minute I was FLAT OUT on the sidewalk a little more like this:

flattened chipmunk

But not quite as fluffy and cute.

I was totally fine and somehow managed not to rip my tights (#blessed) but was in total shock and just kind of sat there, mortified, while morning commuters streamed around me. Everyone was really friendly and rushed to assist, like, people on the other side of the street stopped as if to run over and save me which is really so nice and comforting but you know, save your concern for a real emergency, buddies. Nothing to see here!

And yet, I keep trying to make these boots work. They say tragedy and bad luck happens in threes so I’m just awaiting the final installment in this triumvirate of bootie embarrassment. Hopefully soon, I don’t know how much longer I can live with the stress of waiting!

And there here ya go! May these tales provide you with some levity in this scary week  or, at the very least, give you a virtual fist-bump of solidarity as you’re tripping or bleeding or making it rain with feminine hygiene products. It’s all good.

Happy weekend, babes! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Which means free pass to listen to the new Bieber album cuz that's prettyyyyy much all I'm up to these days. What a JAM. 

Xx Liz Hott

Another Awkward Week [9.18.15]

GUYZZZZ. Do you believe in Mercury in Retrograde? Slash know what the even means? From my extremely basic understanding, it has something to do with planets aligning in such a way as to ruin your life for a few weeks. 

NOT COOL MERCURY.

I don't really get / care about astrology. Like, I'll read my horoscope every now and again but I mainly ignore everything  they say and consider it mumbo jumbo unless it's like "Virgos are the best!" and then I'm all on board. So I'm not exactly one to buy into planetary shenanigans, but this whole Mercury in Retrograde thing is like, very hot right now. I feel like everyone I know is blaming the planets for their bad days and normally I scoff and scoff and scoff at them (behind their backs, I'm mean) but GUYS I am having THE WORST DAY and I visited this website: http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com/ and apparently the answer is YES. Mercury is retrograding, whatever that means, and it is fucking with us all

So. Today. 

I awoke before the sun in a work induced panic, as is my wont these days, and decided I may as well make the most of my early start, so I got up and had some coffee and started this blog and put on a cute outfit and was all ready to walk out the door super duper early to get into my desk and get shit DONE, yo, and I decided I'd take the trash out on my way downstairs and THENNNNNNNNNN it turned out that not only was the trash super duuuuper smelly but also the bag had ripped and I managed to get smelly garbage juice all over our kitchen floor AND my aforementioned cute outfit.

Excellent! There is really nothing like a hot garbage bath to really kick off your day, you know? 

But then! On my walk to the subway (after I changed ensembles and cleaned both the kitchen floor and the inside of the garbage can...all before 8 AM) I saw a dad driving his teenage daughter to school, windows down, blasting Rush and singing along "living in the limelighttt, the universal dreammm," clearly delighted embarrassing his daughter in the passenger seat beside him and then I saw a really adorable little toddler boy (my favorite kind of boy!) (STILL CREEPY!) riding a scooter with a helmet that looked like a watermelon and a look of great concentration on his face and he almost killed me with cuteness and I decided these were good omens that the day would actually be OK in the end.

But then I got to the subway juuust as the train was pulling away without me, which I would say is another bad omen.

So THEN! I got to work and wasted a whole bunch of time writing and posting a blog entry about eating dinner at the same restaurant as the Mayor of New York which I would ultimately end up deleting a few hours late because a) it was kind of dumb and b) my day just kept going downhill.

Around 11 AM I got a text from my next door neighbor who is also our landlord's son and kind of the like, on-site landlord. He has keys to the apartments and helps get stuff done around the place. So he texted me:

"Hey all good. Neighbors smelled something burning on our floor."

Um, what?!???? 

Apparently the people who live above us smelled smoke but there was no one around to get inside our apartments and check it out - the texter was out of town for the weekend and Brian and I were both at work.

Of course I panicked, because duh, and decided I needed to rush home and check just in case. There was no way I was going to get anything done anyway, I'd be so worried about my house burning down. 

I raced out of the office sending Brian a bunch of frantic text messages and while I was riding the subway home I remembered that our smoke alarm has been broken for months and we keep forgetting to talk to our landlord about it and my brain filled with increasingly terrifying images of our whole apartment aflame, our dumb broken smoke alarm just melting from the heat, warning no one (I know, people would have seen the fire at this point but cut me some slack, I'm nuts). 

Oh. ALSO. While frantically racing home on the Brooklyn bound F train, I was graced with the gift of my period arriving early, whilst wearing a pair of pretty nice, hitherto unstained white underwear AND AND AND I stepped in gum.

!!!!! 

Whilst I was on the subway, Brian got my messages, didn't realize I was already on my way home, panicked himself because we are BOTH insane, and HE raced home too. So both of us like, took off work in the middle of the day, and ended up meeting at home (at least I got to see his cute face!) and guess what was on fire? 

NOTHING OBVIOUSLY. Nothing.

The whole morning was just such a literal garbage thundershower I was honestly hoping the apartment was on fire so I could just call out for the rest of the afternoon and wallow in self pity.

But nope. Nothing. 

So I just turned myself right back around, hopped back on that goddamn F train, and was back here at my desk by 12:30 PM having been through more (first world, I know) trauma by lunchtime than I have been in weeks.

To say that I would like to restart this day (or just shut it down completely) would be the underest of understatements. 

I am just going to sit here for the rest of my day, staring at this collage of Prince George photos:

prince george is perfect

And listening to THIS Ryan Adams cover of "Bad Blood" (from 1989 cover album which comes out Monday and I already preordered!!!!) because they are the only two beautiful things left in my day and you can't take these away from me, Mercury, YOU CAN'T.

Just kidding I'm going to spend the rest of my day frantically catching up on all the work I missed while I was riding back and forth from Brooklyn and blogging and deleting my blog and writing other blogs and melodramatically flopping around the office complaining about my hard life and other really valuable uses of my workday.

Le sigh. 

And how's your day going?? 

I sure do hope it's better than mine, mostly because if it was worse, this wouldn't seem as dramatic by comparison and then you'd get more pity and attention than me and oh, wouldn't that just be Mercury's cruelest trick yet!! 

HAPPY FRIDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

 

 

 

 

Another Awkward Week [9.11.15]

Oh hello there. Apparently it is already Friday. Who knew, I ask. WHO KNEW?!

The week after Labor Day is always a bit of a swift punch in the face and this year things seem to be in hyper-drive. Our fall at work is probably the most intense season I've experienced in my eight years here and I'm tryyyying not to allow myself to become overwhelmed...but I'm not sure I'm succeeding. I keep having all of these stress dreams where like, I'm forgetting important things and have to scramble to fix them. Like the other night I dreamt we went camping (I hate camping!) and I forgot all of my clothes and had to drive back and get them and then I couldn't find them and I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately started panicking.

It doesn't take a Freudian Scholar to decode these themes. I've had some variation of that dream pretty much every single night this week. I'm so tired! 

I'm genuinely curious to hear: how do you take care of yourself when you're feeling really stressed? What sort of self-care routines do you put in place to help yourself navigate a busy season? The madness is just beginning I need all the help I can get! I'm trying to make sure I exercise at least 4 x a week, eat really clean and take these weird sleep vitamins. But then I lay awake at night worrying about what I'm going to buy my in-laws for Christmas (WHAT? Brain...why do you torture me?!) so I might need new vitamins, ha! I know, I'm nuts and need professional help but whatever. Here we are! Help! 

So this is getting off to a rip-roaringly entertaining start, now isn't it! Just gotta keep it real sometimes, folks. But life is not all stress dreams and frantic cardio, I promise!! In fact, this week provided plenty of moments of ridiculousness so why don't we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week. Aside from this weirdly small font that I can't figure out how to size to match the rest of the font. How do computers work again?? 

Anyway. Let's go. 

This Text Message from a Stranger:

Look in your pants

Um, pass. But thanks for asking?

This Spot:

fly poop!!!!!!!

Just...squint real good, you’ll see it there. Guess what it is??

FLY POOP!

So the other day I decided I’d take my lunch to the park and catch up on a little work reading while I noshed. It turned out to be kind of a whole thing.

First I got a chicken schwarma wrap from this Turkish food truck I’ve been meaning to try and it was...not bueno. I don’t know what it was, guys. I’m not that finnicky of an eater but something about this chicken was just NOT happening for me. It was maybe gristly or chewy or something? Whatever, it was gross. I took out all the chicken and wrapped it in a napkin and threw it out and felt VERY good about myself when I saw a homeless man was sleeping on a bench LITERALLY 10 feet away from where I was throwing away my food because I’m such a picky picky princess. Ugh.

So I sat back down and was munching on the remains of my lunch - now just a lettuce wrap...yum? - when a big fly landed on my trousers, just above my knee.

It was HUGE and had some unusual markings so at first I was worried it might be a bee. I didn’t want to get stung so I paused just a moment to confirm its genus (species? Phylum? Remember that stuff from biology?!!! Clearly I don’t) and just as I confirmed it was, indeed, out from his little fly butt came a tiny - but visible!! - squirt of brown substance.

THE BITCH POOPED ON ME!!!

And then it just flew away! The classic shit and scram!!

I was so grossed out I sprinted back to the office. Well, first I took like,17 various close-up images of the poop stain but thennn I sprinted back to my office to do some serious scientific research.  

I didn’t know that flies even pooped but apparently they either barf or poop almost every time they land. And I thought I had a sensitive GI tract!

I had read just enough internet articles to assure myself that fly poop is both normal and harmless when I told the story to a coworker and she pointed out that maybe it wasn’t pooping on me but instead laying eggs and now my tasteful navy work pants are the nesting place for a whole family of flies.

WHAT. I’m not ready to be a fly mom! Where will they sleep? How will we afford school? We’re not prepared!!!

Upon further internet researching (always 100% the truth) I remain committed to my initial instinct that it was, indeed, a case of the old numero dos, NOT an egg laying situation.

Phew. Fly poop is pretty gross but when the alternative is becoming the primary caretaker of an entire family of diptera (look it up), well, I’ll take the shit and scram any old day of the week.

This Video:

Hits maybe a little too close to home. I spotted this mere hours after fully hijacking my friend’s Labor Day recap to talk about The Goose.

Me - “How was your long weekend?”

Friend - “Oh it was fun, I was at Lake Michigan and…”

Me - “LUCY WAS AT LAKE MICHIGAN!!!”

Cue me forcing her to look at a 15 minute slideshow of vacation photos of a four month old.

I can’t help it, guys. This chick is the best.

cool sunglasses baby

I mean!!! Look at that 'tude!!

And that’s wasssupp. Big plans for the weekend? Brian and I might be hosting a BBQ for our annual joint birthday party (barf, I know I know), weather permitting, and Sunday I’m going to my first clothing swap where I’ll pawn off all my out of season Old Navy jeggings and hopefully score some designer duds in return. Cha-ching!

Whatever you do, I hope it’s spicy, delightful and absolutely fly poop free.

xoxo Auntie Lizzie

 

Another Awkward Week [9.4.15]

Hi chickens, happy Friday! And Happy LONG WEEKEND if you're an American, woot! And Happy BeythDay to everyone across the world because if there's one thing that is truly worth an international holiday, it's the birth of this goddess:

beyonce birthday beydey

Flawless.

Any fun end of summer plans? I'm heading down to PA to see some cute friends get married and hang out with family. I'm excited to see my momma! 

Ok I kind of dropped the ball yet again on documenting anything interesting this week, but I DO want to talk about this hair tie: 

hair tye

Ponytail holder? What do you call these things? Do you think it's a regional dialect thing? (PS Have you taken this test? It's AMAZING DO IT!!!! #hoagies) Anyway, doesn't matter. As you can see I've taken a photograph of a hair styling implement laying on the bathroom floor where it then stayed for three full days. 

This often happens in our household and I'm putting it out there to see if we're alone. Quite often there will be a small item on the floor, usually a coin or a bobby pin or a fallen flower petal or something like that, and we'll just leave it on the floor. For a LONG time. And we both notice it, for sure, but it's just so small we just like, don't to anything about it. Until eventually someone gives in and picks it up. 

Tell me you do this.

I do it allllllllllllllllllllllll the time. Again, I'm talking little things. A spare nickel. A piece of grass carried in on a shoe. Nothing big enough to be obtrusive or truly sloppy, something just small enough to be noticeable and slightly irritating but not irritating enough to expend the effort to bend down and pick it up.  I'll see the item laying on the ground and wander past three, five, seventy-one times thinking "huh, I should pick that up, I wonder when I'll pick that up?" and then after a while it almost becomes like a game or a test. And not a passive aggressive wifey test for Brian to see if he'll pick it up but just a test of like, humanity for both of us or anyone who enters our home to see how long we can withstand this item on the floor and who will finally pick it up.

I admit that this is deeply lazy but I am also willing to bet that it is totally common. Like I bet if you looked on your floor RIGHT now there is at least one random dime that's been laying near the baseboards for a full week or so and every time you see it you're like "oh yeah, that dime" but you're not going to go pick it up because ain't nobody got time for that. 

Just this morning I noticed a dime laying in one corner of our bedroom and a quarter under the bed. Are they both still there?

You betcha. 

Anyway, I took this photo on Sunday and then three full days later I was sitting on the couch and felt like pulling my hair up and knew I had seen a hair tie laying around somewherrrre and AHA there it was, on the bathroom floor where I left it all along. 

Almost like I planned it, no? And someday soon I'll need to do laundry and need just one more quarter and there it will be, under my bed. YES I could have picked up the hair tie and then it would have been in my dresser where it belonged when I needed it and I could have put the quarter with the pile of other quarters we have saved up for laundry day but where would be the fun in any of that?

Nowhere. That's where the fun would be.

Unlike my quarters...which are all over my floor.

So tell me: you totally do this too, right?? 

RIGHT??

Ok as riveting as THIS conversation is, I gotsta bounce and get some work done so I can catch my train down to farmland. Have a #blessed weekend, my loves! 

xx Liz Hott 

Another Awkward Week [8.28.15]

Hi! How are you this fine Friday?! I'm typing this ON MY COUCH, bah-boom. Our company is in the midst of an internal move - basically they're taking however many hudred (thousands? millions? I'm so bad at guesing quantities, like, anything between 20 and 75 billion is the same to me) of employees work in our building and shifting them all around so as a result, we're all working from home yesterday & today (LOL "working"). Woot. When we return Monday morning, everyone will be in a new spot. It's kind of exciting! I mean, I still have no windows and look out onto a hallway BUT I do believe this new office of mine is like .074 square feet larger than the old one and I've determined this time I'm finally going to get serious about organization and decor.

I even got rid of my 2012 wall calendar, the centerpiece of my design asthetic which I left hanging on my wall for 2.75 years too long. 

Just call me Grace Adler! (Remember? From Will & Grace? Because she was an interior designer?? No? Ok moving on.) 

Anyway, as a result of this funness, most of my goof-off time which I'd usually spend attempting to blawg was instead channeled into frantically purging and packing and cleaning my old office which, as I'm sure you can guess, resulted in a treasure trove of FUN. So you get no exciting updates on my life this week because your girl was busyyyy but do enjoy this stunning portrait:

wiggin' out

Also this one.

HOT

OBV I kept all of these items. Files? Garbage. Old books? WHO NEEDS BOOKS??? Wigs? Cherish them forever. 

To help us with this moving process, the company set up a big bin in the lobby for Goodwill / general donations and y'all, my sparklers and halloween costumes and 75 bolts of wrapping paper didn't even come close to the top 10 or even top 80 most interesting items in there. I tried to take a photo but it came out looking like, well a pile of crap, which it was, but just to give you a sense of what we're working with here, envision a retulation life jacket. A life jacket!!!  Like, orange, official, probably taken from a cruise ship or something.

What! Whyyyyy did someone have a life jacket in their office and who are they and can they please become my very best friend forever and ever and ever?? Life Jacket Person: all of me, loves all of you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose...I'm winning.

And that is what's UP. I'll be back next week (SEPTEMBER? What the eff?) with some deep thoughts on marriage (maybe) and full recap of our big trip to DC & Portland so if you like bees, pork, frenzied drives through pine forests, pirates and/or craft beers you're probably not going to want to miss that one. 

Until then, enjoy a few links from 'round the web that I enjoyed between slow bouts of emailing yesterday. "Working" from home is the life, guys. Can I do this every week? 

One Star Yelp reviews of National Parks (this had me legit LOL) 

My two best friends: Gigi Hadid & The Blair Witch!! (See also: SMELLY CAT!

The trick for perfect eyelashes - I have been doing this since 7th Grade when I read in Seventeen Magazine that this is how Jewel (who has a memior coming out this fall!!!!!!!) did her eye makeup and I'm super beautiful so ... hot tip here gals (or guys! I don't judge!) 

Pep Talk Generator

Do you have Ferrante Fever?? I'm SO behind (only read book one so far!) which is about the failingest of fails here in the NYC Literary Community (gag me with a spoon) but this Vanity Fair interview with the superrrrr elusive author is totally inspiring me to get back at it. 

And on the topic of passionate female friendships, @nytonit says female bffs are the new power couples. Like, duh! 

Ok the end! Have a marvelous weekend! If you go boating, don't forget your life jacket - I know where you can find one if you need it!

xoxoxo Liz Hott

 

Another Awkward Week [8.14.15]

WOOOOO! Friday! I am having such a morning already. First I knocked over a cup of coffee in the kitchen just so that the spill ran all along the back of the sink, essentially creating like, a streaming river of Joe which ended in a water fall dripping behind the stove. COOL! Our paper towel roll was in that state where there was just like 1/2 of a towel clinging to the cardboard and I wasn't awake enough to like, get a dish towel or something else, so I just kind of swatted at the spill with the paper towel...still attached to the roll. It was pretty efficient. THENNNNNNN I walked all the way to the subway, only to realize I'd forgotten my wallet (again!) and had to walk allll the way back home and then alllllll the way back to the subway again, for a total of .9 miles before 8:30 AM and on zero coffee because I poured it all over the kitchen.

My life is the hardest. I've got 99 problems and 32 of them are spilling things, 26 are leaving my wallet behind, 1 is that I keep trotting out this trite Jay-Z lyric and the remaining ones are that I can't do mental math to get us back to 99.

But! A light shines at the end of the tunnel: ADVENTURE. Just as I was waxing rhapsodic about our own backyard, we're skippin' town. This Sunday is the one year anniversary of #hottwedding!!!

married lovers

Never Forget.

 We are taking a semi spontaneous trip to Portland (the Oregon one) to celebrate. WOO. We have a wedding in DC this weekend & were planning to spend a few extra days there to party with my other wifey, Maureen, because she's joining the Old Bitty 3-0 club on Monday (!!) and then we were going to like, rent a car and drive to the Eastern Shore or the mountains or something and we hadn't really figured out the plan and just a few weeks ago I came home from work and Brian greeted me at the door full of enthusiasm and said "screw it! If we're spending money and vacation days we're getting on a plane and having an adventure!!" and he'd found super affordable flights from DC to Portland, where we've been dying to visit (and will probably also die when we arrive - the day we had this convo was the day THIS hit the web and I was like UM HELL NO I will never go to the Pacific Northwest thanks bye but he managed to talk me into it. Can't resist that cute face.) and I think I'm still writing the same sentence? What a long sentence. Anyhoodle: We're off to Portland! We're usually super planny planners and worriers and not spontaneous adventurers and Brian in particular is usually so responsible, so it's EXTRA fun to have him tossing caution to the wind like this. He is so great. I am so happy I married him!!!! But you'll hear more of that barfsauce next week. 

So Portland!!! Have you been? Any tips? What should we see? Do? EAT? DRINK???? What books should I buy at Powell's?? Will you miss us if we're sucked into a landslide?? (It's totally not going to happen while we're there, right?!)

Just say right. 

Right!

So that's what's ahead! Before we hop that plane to the West Side, let's quickly look back at what was keeping it awkward this last week of my first year of marriage:

This Bus:

bus!

I use this app called BusTracker that's usually super duper up to date and correct, telling you down to the minute when the next bus is due to arrive at your stop and updating based on traffic and stuff. Saturday night I was going to meet a friend for dinner and I SWEAR BusTracker said the next bus was 17 minutes away so I just sort of noodled around the apartment for now more than like, 8 minutes, maybe 9, DEFINITELY not 16, and I checked again and it said the bus was coming in ONE MINUTE so I panicked and grabbed my purse and keys and sprinted out the front door only to see the bus pulling away from my stop. HALP.

But then I remembered I am a true athlete so I hiked up my super sporty maxi dress and straight sprinted to the next stop, purse flying, knocking babies and families out of the way and I TOTALLY made it just in time to burst through the bus door, where I then had to stand and catch my breath and rifle through my purse until I found my metro card and I was so sweaty and everyone was staring at me but I think they were proud of me, I really do.

Also this run was actually only two blocks so it's not nearly as impressive as I'm  making it sound. 

This Dress:

dress times

I bought this dress earlier this summer and wore it to an event and then .... did something with it and forgot I had it and then when I remembered again I could. not. find it! I searched high and low and low and high, all over our 600 square foot apartment (not that many hidey holes) and called my mom to see if I'd for some reason brought it to PA and left it there (spoiler alert: nope) and finally realized aha! I'd surely brought it to the dry cleaner, left it there and forgotten all about it.

So one night after work I popped into the dry cleaner six minutes before closing and approached the desk and was greeted by the young woman who works there and speaks very limited English (and, to be fair, I speak zero of her language so, you know) and super calmly and normally said "hello, I am here to pick up a black dress, here is my telephone number" and I was SO SO SOOOO proud of myself for not launching into some kind of long, insane overshare "Hi! Ok sooooooo I have this dress that I bought to wear to a memorial service, so sad, I know, thanks, but yeah anyway I have this dress and I can't find it and ... " and so on because that is my normal M.O. but this time I was calm and normal. 

UNTIL. She pulled up  my number which revealed that nope, the dress was not at the dry cleaner after all and I totally lost my normal and said "where oh where can that dress be?!" mostly just to myself but also out loud and the girl looked so sorry that she couldn't help me and started saying something about how she could try looking again and THEN I launched into my whole long overshare ramble and she just stared at me wide eyed until I yelled "OK THANKS BYE" and backed out of the store and sprinted the rest of the way home.

Anyway the dress was in my closet the whole time!!!! 

NEAT.

This Gloop:

gloop gloop gloopity gloop


This, my friends, is a bowl of slow cooked ribs c/o my pal Kamran and some coleslaw and YES I ate it for breakfast and no, I am not even remotely ashamed of that face. I am slightly ashamed that I then had to re-print a bunch of work documents because I got BBQ all over my desk but I will not apologize for eating whatever I feel like, regardless of the time of day.

If there is one thing I believe in, it is the importance of literacy and education for all. And if there's a second thing it is the declassification of particular foods being only appropriate for certain meals, breakfast in particular. WHO SAYS you can't eat ribs or brisket or ham sandwiches or mashed potatoes before 8 AM? Who? Is it in the Constitution? I feel like probably no. Why is bacon considered a morning food and chicken salad a lunch food and broiled salmon a dinner food? Just eat food! Why is it OK to eat maple sausage links with toast for breakfast but people would look at you weird if you ate italian sausage on a roll? IT'S THE SAME THING!! 

And most American breakfast foods are total crap nonsense. Cereal? WTF is the point of cereal. It tastes like nothing and keeps you full for 11 minutes and gets stuck to the bowl if you don't clean it fast enough. Pass.

And most other foods we consider breakfast approps are straight up dessert. French toast? That's cake. Pancakes? ACTUAL CAKE. Donuts??? Donut even get me started. Recently I was having a conversation with my sister wherein we were discussing muffins and I called them "sugar bombs" and she just gave me the snarkiest look and said "you're going to be a real fun mom."

Um duh. 

But seriously, guys, it is time for a breakfast revolution. We have made great strides as a progressive society - gay marriage! toys no longer labeled by gender! Caitlyn Jenner! - and yet we still live in a world where foods are lumped into meal specific categories and people are judged for eating outside of those limits. I say NO MORE! No more. Join me in this revolution. Breakfast Pork Chops for ALL! Eggs for dinner. Waffles for dessert where they belong and cereal for never because cereal sucks.

Someday our country can be great! Who's with me?

No one? That's fine. I'll be over here eating my turkey and pepper jack with spicy mustard and pickles on rye toast at 9:30 AM and don't even try to stop me.

Ok that spun wildly out of control. Quickly to work I must go so I can get that out of office UP and start putting a bird on it. What are you up to this weekend? Any big end of summer travel plans? More importantly: what did you eat for breakfast today????

xoxo Liz Hott 

Another Awkward Week [8.7.15]

Hiiiiiii! Long time no, um, see? I'm sure you've all been wondering what I've been up to. Well don't tell anyone but I have been sequestered in a lab as part of a top secret study on the effects of brie cheese on memory retention in human females. 

No. That is not even remotely true. But wouldn't it be cool though, if brie cheese was some kind of magic super food? Like, I love superfoods as much or possibly even more than the next gal, I'd wager I spend a good 40% of my day reading about antioxidants on the internet, but do all superfoods have to be so, you know, kale? Would it absolutely kill mother nature to just throw us a bone and be like NEW FOOD NEWZ: creamy stinky cheeses are the answer to eternal youth!!!!

A girl can dream. 

In case you're getting the hint that I'm stalling and rambling because I have nothing interesting to report but still feel compelled to blog due to some strange mix of guilt and ego you are CO-rrect!  How smart you are. I'll be you eat a LOT of cheese.

SPEAKING of smart I was in Pennsylvania over this past weekend and I left my wallet sitting on my mom's kitchen table. WHOOPS. Don't need any of those essential items like credit cards or ID's or subway passes. Luckily she realized it while I was still en-route so I was able to text Brian and have him come rescue me at Penn Station. My knight in shining Mossimo! 

hot hot hottie

Totally gratuitous photo of my hot benefactor who bought me a metrocard and sent me off for the week with a handful of $20's and his credit card just in case.  I felt like a 50's housewifey with an allowance. Or Pretty Woman...except with more kissing on the mouth, but less polo matches and piano sex. 

Has anyone ever actually had sex on a piano?? It seems like one of those things that looks hawt in a movie but in real life is just uncomfortable and logistically confusing. 

I'm not a total boring prude, I swear. I know how to keep it spicy...

ANYWAYAYAYAYAYAY turned out the most important missing piece in my wallet was my work ID. In order to get into my office one must go through a series of three locked doors, each of which can only be opened by a valid company ID. The security staff has gotten extra strict about letting people breeze past even if said people have worked in the building for EIGHT GODDAMN YEARS and you know their face and they plead really nicely with you and I know you're just doing your job, dudes, but cut me a break here, so every morning I just lingered around in the lobby like a freak of nature waiting for someone I knew to come in and the pounced on them "HIIII!! HELPPPP" and made them buzz me into the building. I basically accosted our new marketing assistant one day and she was super sweet about it but in the elevator on the way up was like "um, who are you again?"

Just the office weirdo, don't mind me.

My uncle, who had also been visiting my mom, very kindly mailed the wallet up to me and it arrived safely and soundly Wednesday afternoon, so now the only weird stuff I'm doing around the office is sneezing loudly and cupping my boobs and spilling food everywhere. THE USUAL. 

Ok this could not be more boring if I tried. I'll stop talking and just leave you here with this perfection of a music video that I have now watched no less than 13 times because I just love Jason Derulo and I don't care who knows it! 

YES I know I already shared this on the HottSauce Facebook page last week but literally only 14 people saw that post (trust me, I checked the stats, really taking over the world with this excellent blog) and also I think you can stand to rewatch because Jason and I are soulmates and I want you all to feel our love. 

The END.  I am outtie 5000 (is that a thing people say? Or did I make that up? WHAT??)! What are you doing this weekend? I'm going to a BBQ tomorrow and maybe the beach on Sunday. Sum-sum-summah. I'll be a better blogger next week too, I swickety swear.

Happy Friday! 

Liz Hott-Derulo 

Another Awkward Week [7.17.15]

HI! It's Friday!  A to the m to the EN. How was everyone's week? Mine was actually kind of stressful and no bueno. Blah. I woke up this morning to the sun shining and birds chirping and said "Liz! Today is a new day! Chin UP!" and then I got this breakfast wrap from Pret a Manger and it came in this weird cardboard package thing and when I tried to open it, learned that it had like, melted and was now stuck to the cardboard but I already bought it and was hungry so I basically just ate cardboard for breakfast (fiber!) soooooo the chin upping is turning into a real workout but I'm going for it. 

FRIDAY. 

Ok! Without further ado, one very rambly look at what was keeping it awkward this week...

As you know, I love city life and one of my favorite things is the car free culture. I am like, fully and knowingly self righteous about how much I walk. It baffles me to go home to the 'burbs and hop in the car to drive under a mile to CVS.  I know suburbs and towns don't have the infrastructures in place to allow this to be possible for most people outside of urban centers and that makes me super sad but also, keeping it real, makes me super snobby. 

Sometimes it's just fun to feel morally superior to people, OK? I dare you to pretend you're an innocent in this arena!

Anyhoodle, off my soapbox! Though I think that walking and taking public transit is the way and the vision, I also acknowledge that it often creates horrific social situations by forcing so much of our lives into the public sphere. Case in point: the daily commute.

If you are driving a car to and from your job and you pass someone you work with on the highway that is NOT WEIRD. You can just wave and keep driving. But if you get on the subway and your boss is there, you are forced to make some serious decisions. Do you pretend you don't see them? Say hi and go back to your book? Talk to them for the next 30 minutes? What happens when the train pulls into the station? Are you going to walk the WHOLE WAY to the office making small talk at 8:29 AM? 

It's a nightmare.

Or if you get in the elevator on the way out at night and strike up a conversation with a colleague and then walk out of the building and realize they TOO are going to the same subway station as you do you keep walking and talking? Say goodbye and walk 2 feet behind them the whole time? 

It's all just TOO MUCH TO HANDLE sometimes. Too much. 

I continually find myself in situations where I'll exit the subway and realize that a colleague is walking just ahead of me. This should not be a problem except for the fact that I am like the world's fastest walker.

Seriously. It is a problem. I have memories of barreling through the halls of middle school, crowds parting to get out of the way. It's not like I ever have anywhere that important to go...I just walk with purpose. And the purpose is to mow down everyone in front of me. I'm always rear-ending other pedestrians on the street or forcing couples to step aside so I can plow by them. Brian hates going for walks with me because he wants to stroll romantically and I physically can't make my body go any slower than Olympic-speed power walking. It's kind of a problem but I CAN'T STOP.

I can't do it! 

Because of this, whenever I'm walking behind a coworker I KNOW that eventually I'll end up catching up to them. No matter how far they are in front of me I WILL overtake them because I am a freak of nature and that is how my body works. 

On some occasions this is someone I might actually be want to speak to, but more often than not these people lay right in that middle ground where I know them too well to just walk past them with a nod and a "good morning" but not well enough that I want to spend 5 minutes small talking with them before I've had my morning coffee. I have a number of tools in my arsenal for avoiding this, including stopping on the side of the sidewalk and pretending to read something on my phone, going half a mile out of my way on an alternate route to avoid contact, stopping to purchase food or beverages...even if I've already packed something.  

I would rather spend $7 on an overpriced egg sandwich and eat two breakfasts than find myself speed walking up behind the subrights manager and having to find some way to announce my presence which always just ends with me startling them out of their morning peace as I yelp "Oh hey Rita hey it's Liz hi I was behind you the whole time hahahaha oh do you also take the F train haha hi!"

UGH.

So long story the LONGEST this week I somehow managed to outweird even myself, taking my walking game to a whole new level. 

You may recall me discussing my former assistant Margaret, Swiftie extraordinaire and all around wonderful human. She got promoted earlier this year which is sad because she's no longer my assistant but also happy because good for her, Lean In, gurl, and also happy because now I'm not her boss and can instead try to convince her to be my BFF and hang out with me every day. Though chances of that ever happening are slimmer than slim to none after this week.

One evening this week I exited the office building to see M just a few feet ahead of me - she must have been on the elevator just before mine. I walked like a normal person (I swear!!!) behind her for a block and when we came to the corner, she crossed to the opposite side of the street. I was going to have to cross myself to get to the station and as I went to do so, I realized I would be literally walking directly into Margaret. She seemed to glance in my direction and as I crossed towards her I waved. She didn't see me but I was still plowing right towards her so I screeched "Haaaay Margaret" but she had headphones in and  didn't hear me and just kept on truckin' and I ended up literally half a foot behind her like a spooky gangly ghost stalking her every move.

We still had several block to go so I KNEW I'd overtake her at some point. She's a speedy walker herself but no one can match my moves. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of her and text it to her with a caption like "HI" because that's not creepy at all so I snapped a photo but before I could text her we came to a red light at an intersection and were forced to a stop. I decided it was time to stop lurking and tapped her on the shoulder but THAT was weird and she thought I was like a bug or something and turned around completely startled and I was like "Hi! I've been behind you the whole way, I took your picture!"

IF ONLY I had also taken a photo of the look on her face after that announcement.  

I deleted the picture and would never put it on the internet, that is so mean, but here is a fine art recreation of the moment:

stalking in fine art

The whole thing was just so weird and YES the photo might have crossed a line but if I HAD pulled off the text it would have been hilarious. Oh how we would have laughed!!! 

 For real: will someone please guide me on how to better handle these situations?1 What do you do when you're walking behind someone you know and you realize you're going to catch up to them? WHAT DO YOU DO I DON'T KNOW. I need serious help and guidance.

Screw it, I throw away all of my convictions and am now a car person. I want to be fully ensconced behind layers of tinted windows like a rap star so I can just never have to figure out how to interact with another human being.

It's better for us all!!

Ugh to the uggest.

Have a glorious weekend my fine friends. And if you hear the pitter patter of frantic footsteps behind you do not panic, it's probably just me! Taking your photo. Creepin' around. 

Ok do panic.

BYE!

 

 

Another Awkward Week [7.10.15]

Friday! Friday! Gotta get down, etc. How ARE you?! I feel like it's been  a decade and a half since I've done one of these Friday blog post shenanigans. This week was killer - it was, I think, my first full week in-office since Memorial Day. 

WOOF.

Between travelling and holidays and being out with authors, I hadn't actually had to be sitting here, butt in chair, wrapped in the frigid embrace of the over air-conditioned, fluorescently lit arms of corporate America for five straight days in a row and guys, it is not fun.

THANKS OBAMA.

Ok actually I should cut the drama, I still get out at noon today because we're spoiled and get half day Fridays in the summer.  The segundo the office closes I'm sprinting my hiney up to Penn Station to catch an Amtrak home to good old Elizabethtown, PA. I'm SO EXCITED. Michael, Kathleen and my BFFFFFFFF Lucy are in from Chicago, so my mom is hosting a get together for everyone to meet the babe. In the South this type of party is called a Sip n See. What an absurd name. I LOVE IT. In addition to sippin' and seein', we'll be celebrating my sister Marge's birthday, which was yesterday (HBD MAGLET!) and a whole bunch of family and friends are coming in from all over the place and it's going to be so much fun. I'm pumped! 

Now I need to, you know, get to twerkin instead of wasting away my whole morning on the internet so without further ado, a quick look at what was keeping it both awkward and awesome this week. 

AWESOME: THIS PLAY

seawife, play, art, music

Last night was the coolest! This girl (gal? woman? adult human female???) I went to college with is the Artistic Director of this very renowned theater company called Naked Angels and is currently directing a new folk musical called Seawife. The show features this folk band called The Lobbyists and it is AMAZING. It's basically a 2 hour long live action adaptation of a Decemberists song: full of tragedy, love, whaling,  shanties, ghosts, intricately tattooed men with tortured souls, urchins, pirates and MORE. I laughed, I cried, I bought the CD (which I now realized I can listen to for free on the internet but good for me for supporting artists!), I'd go again if I could.

NYC Peepz: RECOMMENDED. They are in a limited run right now, but tix are still available through the end of the month. You can learn more / buy here. Run don't walk! 

AWKWARD:

underoos!

These underoos. 

This is actually an older story but it came up again in my life this week so I'll revisit. Earlier this summer I was meeting some girlfriends for dinner after work and went for a run before going to the restaurant. When I went to change out of my gym clothes (and shower! don't worry!) I realized I'd forgotten a second pair of panties (do you hate that word??? I don't mind it but some people despise it! PANTIES!) and mine were da-renched in sweat so I had two options: wear sweaty underwear out to dinner (ew) or go commando in a short dress. Double ew. I know some people are all about that life - I have one friend who literally never wears underpants - but not for me. Maybe in pants. But a dress? Get real.

Or option C: buy new underpants!

I boldly walked the 15 blocks from my gym to the restaurant sans culottes, my eyes peeled for some kind of clothing/department/lingerie store I could pop into but of course there were none. But AHA! There was a CVS down the block from the restaurant! I walked in the door and was IMMEDIATELY greeted by a worker. 

"Hello! Can I help you find something?!'

Now, I don't really love enthusiastic sales people in stores in general, like, please leave me to shop in peace, if I need your help I'll ask for it, but especialllllly in a drug store. As much as I try to be an unashamed, body positive human being, there is still something so intimate about shopping in a drugstore. 

Can you help me? Oh sure! Where do you keep the anti fungal gels? Spermicides? Hemmeroid cream? I've got 'roids all UP IN DERE.

No.

I didn't want to tell this person I was looking for underpants - I don't know why, I guess I thought they'd like, know I wasn't wearing any?? I'm nuts. So I asked them if they sold socks. 

Socks!

I assumed  that if the did  sell undies they'd be in the same aisle as the socks and tights and thangs. And I was right! Ding ding!

I grabbed a three pack of serviceable Hanes brand cotton bikini briefs and scurried up to the registers, where I planned to surreptitiously self check out and bounce. Except, OF COURSE the self checkout was broken so I had to go to the actual register which was now manned by none other than the same employee who had just directed me towards the socks.

I cringed as I slid my pack o' panties across the counter, praying she did not like, mention that I was holding underwear instead of socks like I had asked for but blessedly she was a pro and didn't bring it up. 

I got to the restaurant and found my friends sitting at the bar. 

"Order me a cocktail!" I shouted, racing past them to the ladies room "I gotta go put some underpants on!" 

Why would anyone want to be seen in public with me? GR8 question!

Anyway, this week I found myself in a similar sweat soaked situation but booyah: I'd kept this pack tucked in my gym bag for under pant emergencies so Hanes Her Way to the rescue! And now ya know: if you ever find yourself stranded and commando (strando?), head right to the sock aisle of the nearest CVS. 

AWESOME: THIS DINNER

sad wings

Actually the wangs were DISAPPOINTING which was super sad. Is there anything more tragic than dry, overcooked buffalo wings?? I feel like NO. But, they were devoured while watching USA crushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Japan in the World Cup final on Sunday night so they remain firmly in the awesome column. WHAT A GAME! Did y'all watch?? The funnest. I was hoping to get to the ticker tape parade today but I'm not going to be able to make it. I'll be cheering loudly from my office, though!

U-S-A! U-S-A! 

AWKWARD: THIS SOCIAL MEDIA SITE

facebook

Earlier this week I was laying in bed idly scrolling through my newsfeed when I came upon that "people you might know" section and a NIGHTMARE came to life: my thumb idly landed upon the "request" button of one of these recommended pals...my assistant Alex.

AAAAAH.

Now, I think Alex is great and obviously that's way better than like, a full on stranger but... is it? I am all about keeping a separate work/life balance and though I am obviously the coolest boss on the planet earth, no one wants to be social media friends with their boss. I want this gal to feel like she can really let her internet freak flag fly without worrying about her manager getting all up in her personal life. And I didn't want her to feel like she had to accept my request because she reports to me. 

So I did what any sensible person would do and panicked to Briguy who was like "UM CALM DOWN FREAK" and then renegged the request.

Do you think she got a notification??? Like, what is worse? Getting a friend request from your boss and having to decide if you want to accept or not OR getting a friend request from your boss and then seeing it disappear and thinking your boss is spying on you OR decided she doesn't want to be associated with you in public after all?

I almost mentioned it to her the next day in a total overexplain situation but decided that, for once, I'd be mature and semi-sane and just keep it to myself (and the internet obviously) and hopefully not make it worse.

Modern times, guys. Life is hard. 

Speaking of the 'Book: have you liked the hottsauceblog page yet?? All the cool kids are doing it!! Hop to! 

AWKWARD WITH A SIDE OF AWESOME: THIS SWEET TAT

betches

Ok that is fully illegible because I forgot that objects in the mirror are more backwards than they appear. Whoops. Well all you need to know is that it says "betches." 

BETCHES.

My friend Amy hosted a 4th of July bash at her parents' house in (slash on?!) Long Island, replete with flip cup, a swimming pool, hot dawgs and all the french onion dip my little heart could desire. One of our friends said she was bringing out patriotic temporary tattoos which I though would be like, flags and fireworks and stuff but somehow I ended up with the word 'betches' in cursive on my bicep.

Are betches extra American? God Bless Betches and the USA? I don't even know.

ANYWAY I totally forgot I had this on until Monday afternoon when I was in pilates class and I caught a glimpse of my tatted arm in the mirror and burst out laughing. Luckily I'd been wearing a cardigan in the office so I don't think anyone saw it at work. But come on. Keeping it classy with a capital C. 

And that, betches, was mah week! How was yours? What's new? Is anyone going to the parade today? Are you wearing underpants right now, you freaks?! 

Happy, happy, happy Friday!

xoxoxo Liz Hott