Thumbs Up Time Machine

Notice anything...deeply creepy about this photo?? 

Notice anything...deeply creepy about this photo?? 

I've been thinking a lot lately about time travel. Not the science of it or anything (why waste precious brain space on science when you could fill it with useless Hollywood gossip) but just, you know, the theoretical idea of it. Like, would you do it, if you could?

The reason behind all this introspection is, of course, television. Brian's deep into 11.22.63, the Hulu adaptation of the Stephen King novel and I'm deep into reading internet think pieces about the new season of Outlander and attempting to find some kind of Starz hookup. Anyone out there want to help a sister out? I need my fix! 

Anyway, I'm very curious. If there was some kind of science that allowed you to travel backwards - or forwards! - in time, would you do it? Where would you go? And why? 

There often seems to be some kind of moral component to it, you know, go back and hug Jesus or kill Hitler or, in the case of 11.22.63, prevent the assassination of JFK. So much PRESSURE! Like, who wants to be responsible for the whole of humanity? Hard pass. Me, I think I lean more towards the Outlander school of time travel, just go back in time and bang hot Scottish farmers. I could be into that. Time travelling = the new Vegas! What happens in the past, stays in the past. 

Just kidding, you know Brian and I made a pact that we would only ever time travel together. 

Sitting here now, I know exactly where I'd go first. The time: Monday, April 11, 2016 - that's right, just two days ago - at about 5:12 PM. The place: my office. Moments from now a gal I work with, let's call her Veronica, will walk down the hall towards me. She has just received a promotion and I want to commemorate her achievement. 

"Hey, Veronica," I'll call out, while simultaneously pointing at her in the infamous "finger guns" position. And then, simply "congrats," as I transform from finger gun to a vigorous thumbs up. I'll stand there, staring at her, grinning weirdly, thumb way up like I'm the goddamn Fonz, saying nothing further.  I'll become fixated on by own weird hand motions, decide that too much time has now elapsed to keep this conversation going, that there is but one possible course of action: to flee the scene. 

This is how it really went down, but! Oh would that I could travel back in time I'd stop myself moments before. "Hey, Veronica," I'd call out, keeping my hands and arms in a casual, gun-free stance. "Congrats!", my thumb remaining firmly in a relaxed position. Maybe I'll have one hand jauntily cocked on a hip or my arms crossed or, I don't know, gang what do people do with their arms when they talk? Please tell me now because the moment I figure out some time travel technology,  I'm heading riigght back in time for a hot second and doing it right. 

That is all I want. I'm not slick enough to kill Hitler or save JFK or, let's be honest, seduce a Scottish farmer. I would just welcome the opportunity to re-do a few of my less socially graceful moments. Is that too much to ask? Also, those big things always seem to have ramifications, otherwise known as The Butterfly Effect, otherwise known as a masterpiece of a major motion picture starring future Oscar Winner Ashton Kutcher, where changes in the past affect the present and ... dun dun dunnnnnnn, never in a great way. Again: way too much pressure. All I want to do is slip back in time and create a world where I never gave anyone a thumbs up in public. I'll re-emerge in a present that is exactly the same, except everyone's just like "man, that Liz Ho is one cool cucumber who definitely knows how to handle herself in social situations." 

What a world! 

That or I'd go back to the moment they were casting James Franco in this 11.22.63 show because, no offense JF fans but homeboy can not act. 

Srsly, though - where would you go?

Thumbs Up!

Liz Ho 

 

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking public service announcement: In Season Two, Episode One of the prestige HBO drama True Detective, there is an eight second close-up of Tim Riggins' bare, beautiful behind.

ALERT

ALERT

ALERT

This man.

taylor kitsch butts naked hot

AHEM. 

hot hot hot

But minus those pesky jeans. 

Ladies, gays and enlightened straight men who can appreciate the wonder of the human form without getting all "no homo," you're going to want to get yourselves an HBO Go password on the double and fast-forward right to the 42:19 mark...though there's some solid shirtless Riggins in the minutes preceding, so for a real good time, go ahead and start tuning in around 41:30.

Trust me when I say, it's everything you've dreamed of. And maybe even more.

And yes I KNOW Tim Riggins isn't his real name, that's a fictional character he played on a tv show like 7 years ago but just let a girl live, OK. 

(You can also view some stills here, if you're a creep like that.) (By "that" I cuh-learly mean "me.") (NSFW obv obv obv.) 

OK PSA over. Carry on with your lives again. If you haven't died of sheer lust, that is. 

BYEEE. 

 

500,000 Candles in the Wind

Flags today are at half mast, as America bid farewell to a beloved icon last night.  

Leslie Knope

Ok they're not really...but they should be. Leslie Knope. We barely knew 'ye. 

It's been a devastating winter, guys. I am still reeling from Parenthood going off the air and now Parks and Recreation?! I just don't know what to do with myself anymore! I mean, get hobbies or volunteer or read books or whatever but come on: no. 

I was planning to celumourn (celebrate while mourning, duh) the P&R finale the same way I did 30 Rock (still not over that one), by gathering my nearest and dearest for a viewing party chock-o-block full of thematic foods, weird clip art and a mandatory costume requirement that NO ONE follows, so I'm the only nerd wearing fake glasses and a Liz Lemon blazer.

lizlemon.jpg

I had a whole menu and invited people and errrythang but then it turned out that NBC was airing the finale at TEN in the PM so we all had to cancel, that's just not really a humane hour to socialize on a school night. Or ANY night. 

30 is the new 90, my friends. Live it up.

Brian and I did bring a taste of Pawnee to the Hott Homestead. For dinner we indulged in a little "fast casual Italian dining," with some homemade calzones inspired by my boy Ben Wyatt. Tom Haverford may get all the best lines and Ron Swanson is and will remain an American Hero and Leslie Knope is my role model in life (and her real- life human counterpart Amy Poehler is my actual human role model) but Ben Wyatt is the unsung hero of P&R and the throbbiest of heart throbs as far as I'm concerned. I knowwww he's not real but I LOVE him. 

I mean...slim. Mathematical. Big fan of plaid shirts. 

piday

One MAY go so far as to say I have a type.

And Ben and Leslie are totally my relationship idols, too. Again, I know they're fake but they're just so dang great. They genuinely care for each other and support each other and encourage one another to be the best they can be - even if their best is a little weird. Their wedding vows of "I like you and I love you" are perfect and I KNOW I am the dorkiest of the dorks but my favorite thing about this show was the importance they placed relationships - friendships, marriages, "work proximity associates" - and though it's just a fun TV comedy it is also, to me, a genuine inspiration to nurture and foster strong relationships in real life, too. So with no shame, WWLABD (What Would Leslie And Ben Do) is my marriage motto for lyfe. 

See also, this video. Replace Leslie with me and Ben with Brian and this is basically our whole life. (Our names even start with the same letters!!!!) 

I'm so embarrassing.

We rounded out our thematic meal with friendship waffles (organic, $5 a box, I love Brooklyn) and homemade whipped cream for dessert.

friendship waffled

If you're a fellow P&R nerd, check out #wafflesacrossamerica for some fellow superfans. If you're not a fellow P&R nerd, I can't even imagine why you're still reading this! Get a life!

Ok that's my story, RIP Parks and Recreation. Bye Bye, Lil' Sebastian...and everyone else. Thanks for all the laughs and the love and inspiration!! I miss you already. 

And as a fun treat for all of you, here is a heavily improvised, wildly delicious calzone recipe that is so easy even Gerry/Garry/Larry could make it.

BEN WYATT'S CALZONES OF LOVE

ben calzones

(Low Calzone Zone image via...I have this printed and hanging on my bulletin board at work, ha) 

Total cooking time...30 minutes ish?

Serves: We used approx one pound of dough, it made 4 small calzones which served us for one dinner with one 'zone leftover

Ingredients:

  • Bunch of pizza dough, ideally purchased from your local pizzeria. Did you know you can do this? $2! And delicious!! Or you could buy some from the grocery store orrrr you could make your own and normally I'd be all in on the homemade option but I just can not bake to save my life and really can't be trusted not to make a mess with that much flour and sometimes, why bother, you know? Just buy it from an expert. But if you want to make dough, make dough.  Just do you! 
  • Tub of ricotta cheese (to be pronounced RUH-COTTA-UHH unless you are fresh off the boat, you know how I feel about this
  • Bag of shredded mozzarella (again, pronounced MOTZARELLLLA, I don't allow any of that moootttzzzarelll shit i my kitchen) 
  • One egg
  • Dried basil & dried oregano 
  • Whatever you want for filling: We did peppers, onion and mushrooms. You could add some sausage, some broccoli, spinach, shredded chicken, cat food. GO NUTS. 
  • Lil bit of flour
  • Lil bit of olive oil

Directions: 

  1. Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.
  2. In a bowl, combine a big blob (approx 1/2 a cup) the ricotta and like half a bag of the mozz with JUST the yolk from the egg. This is probably the hardest part of this whole recipe so just google search "how to separate an egg" and you'll be fine. Toss in a hefty shake of dried oregano and a hefty shake of dried basil. Set aside. 
  3. Saute up your innards. If you're using meat, cook it so it's not raw anymore, if you're vegging totally your call how cooked or fresh to make the veggies. Follow your heart. 
  4. MEANWHILE....ha! I hate when recipes say "meanwhile." Like, I am only one human with two arms and a lot of ingredients happening, how am I simultaneously doing all these things at once. But here we are. Meanwhile...in that while your fillings are lightly sauteing on the stovetop... sprinkle a SMALL amount of flour onto the counter. If you are a disaster like me, you may need a supervisor for this part unless you want flour literally all over your whole house. Roll out the dough and then separate it into four parts and then smush/roll/pull on them until they're kind of flat. I think they're supposed to be round but ours were triangular and they were great. Don't overthink it.
  5. Put a scoop of cheese mixture on top of one half of one of your dough blobs, then a scoop of toppings mixture (or vice versa. Toppings and THEN cheese. Calzones are a relaxed, easygoing food. Continue to follow your heart!), fold the other half of the dough over the top, smush the edges together with a fork and cut a tiny slit in top. You may attempt to make the slits into pretty flower shapes but it won't work and you'll just end up with weird holes in the top. Stay chill. 
  6. Brush a thin coat of olive oil on the top of each calzone.
  7. Put the 'zones onto a parchment paper lined baking sheet, bake for 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven, stage for photos, upload to instagram and DIGG INNNN. 

Yum!!! Ok if you'll excuse me I have to go daydream about Ben's booty (and Brian's!), read some more P&R tributes and, oh yes...get to work.

Happy Wednesday, nerds! xoxoxo Liz Ho