Another Awkward Week [5.5.16]

Hello, it's me. 

I'm in New York where it's rainy and it makes me have to pee. 

And just like that, it's MAY. It's been grey and drizzly here for the entirety of the month to-date and I am not feeling it. This just does not fit the narritive of my very best joke at all. April showers are to bring May flowers which bring PILGRIMS! If the April showers just bring May showers...what do we get? Wet pilgrims, I guess? That's not hilarious!!! 

What is hilarious is that I'm typing this sitting in my office with the door locked and my pants off. 

Allllll the way off.

Why? Why not!

Nooooo, you know why. Despite the torrential downpours and frigid temps, I refuse to dress in warm and appropriate attire because it is MAY goddamn it, and I did not spend a collected $43 on all of this chic finery from the Old Navy Spring '16 collection to just let it rot away in the closet. NO! Today I tossed caution to the wind (the literal wind, this weather can eat me) and wore white jeans (before Memorial Day!!!) and made it all the way until 4:24 PM stain-free and then I ate two mini Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and maybe also squeezed them in between my legs like a thighmaster workout because somehowwww I have not one, not two, not even three but FOUR separate chocolate blobs on my pants and in like, the inner sanctum region.

How, friends, HOW? Honestly there are some questions I just don't think we want the answers to.

At any rate, the stains were too widespread and ferocious for me to Tide Pen whilst they were still on my legs, so I had to get surrrious and also pantsless and whelp, here we are.

I know what you're thinking and it is that today is Cinco de May and we should probably all do some tequila shots. That's a great thought! 

And the other thing you are, of course, thinking is that I probably shouldn't wear white pants, given my track record with eating. That is also a great thought! Butttt, yesterday I wore black pants, theoretically the safest color of the whole rainbow, and dropped half an avocado on myself and had a Grinch-green schmear on my thigh for the rest of the day so really there just is no safe answer. 

Although I may have discovered a outstation to my problems! Well, my food stain problem. The rest of my myriad issues remain! Yay therapy! This past weekend I went to visit my little bestie in Chicago for her FIRST BIRTHDAY (can you even believe it???) and during meal times she was rocking this number:

poncho baby

Yes, that is a MEAL TIME PONCHO. Forget a bib, this baby is rocking a full poncho to protect her cute lil outfits. Not just a bib. A full poncho. I need one!! I mean, I am basically as messy an eater as a one-year-old (though, this particular one-year-old does have very advanced motor skills, she's kind of the smartest ever) so I should take a cue from the toddler set and wear a poncho to the dinner table. It's my only option. 

The only option! 

Much like celebrity deaths or Mighty Ducks movies, all food spills must come in threes and good news, dudes, the avo & choco are actually numbers 2 & 3 for the week, so I'm finally in the clear, phew...until next week, at least.

The first spill of the week occurred on Tuesday morning. I'd spent several hours the previous evening whipping up a sundried tomato, goat cheese & caramelized onion quiche with a gluten-free sweet potato crust and oh-so carefully sliced it into four portions for the week into individual tupperware containers and I gently carted one of the slices into work and heated it up in the microwave and pulled it out of the microwave and plated it on a REAL PLATE because I'm not a heathen, I keep actual dishes in my office, that's how high my commitment to fine dining is, and I had a few little sliced strawberries on the side for a little breakfast dessert and then somehow I flipped the whooooole plate onto the ground and it landed with a splat and I yelled "OH NO!!!" and multiple people came running thinking I was like, injured or dying, but no I was just sad about my breakfast and causing a scene. 

As ya do.

Anyway, I went down to the cafe below our office to buy a replacement breakfast and the barista had accidentally rung in the previous customer's order twice and had two large coffees just burning a hole in the counter and did I want one, with half and half? You bet I did.

So that turned things around just a lil bit!

 Spend a lot of time making a healthy and fancy breakfast and then throw it on the floor and then go buy an overpriced croissant but also get a free coffee. I feel like there's some kind of metaphor for life in there, you know? Like, you can plan for things but they'll probably go totally wrong but then they'll go ok in a totally different way!

Oh yeah. 

I'm like Brene Brown over here with these revelations! 

And how has May treated YOU so far? 

Better than this, I sure do hope!

lucy is so sad but still adorable

Ok - my pants are dry. Time to re-enter polite society.

Smooches!

Liz Ho 

Baby Fever!

Oh hey! How's everyone doing? Do you want to meet my new best friend? Of course you do!

lucy babyperfect

Hi! I'm Lucy Joan! I'm two months old and like, not to brag or anything but my doctor says I'm functioning at the level of a four month old. I'll be at Harvard by age 7 at the rate I'm going! My favorite things are sleeping, eating, snuggling, pooping through my cute overalls in public and my Cool Aunt Liz! 

BFF!!!!!!

That's right world, I'm an aunt. On April 29, 2015 my brother Michael and his girlfriend Kathleen welcomed Lucy Joan to the world, and another star sparkled in the heavens, she's so perfect. The only sad thing is that they live in Chicago so I don't get to see them every single day. 

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Lucy Goose has yet to make an appearance on le blog, I didn't want to violate her privacy without consulting her parents (even though like, 99.6% of the people who read this are related to me so I don't know why I thought it was time for some cyber security) but her parents have given me the green light to "fully exploit her" so exploit her I shall! Mommy bloggers get hella pageviews ... do you think there's a market for Auntie Blogs? Probably not? 

TOO BAD.

riverhead spokesbaby

I already have her working as a spokesbaby for Riverhead!  

The Goose is the best baby ever. Even Her Royal Highness Charlotte of Wales is jelly, she wishes she had half the class and charm as this American dame. Fun fact: Goose was born on Will and Kate's 4th wedding anniversary! Charlotte was born two days later. I was hoping they'd arrive on the same day and honestly, it's probably a good thing they didn't. If both my niece and the royal baby had been born on the same day AND it had been the anniversary of the royal wedding I probbbbably would have had an aneurysm. And now Lucy gets to be older and wiser and way, way cooler.

Also, you know what's a hard word to spell? Aneurysm. Yikes.

Here are some more gratuitous photos of The Goose because it's my blog and I'll baby spam if I want to. 

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goose and her daddy!!
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Also, I have a confession to make: I've got baby fever and I've got it BAD. I'd had some symptoms coming on lately - the yearning to speak in googoo talk, the pull towards the kids' clothing section in Target, the seeming magic ability suddenly be surrounded by babies or preggo ladies everywhere I look. I thought I was fighting it off but this visit to Goosie's house put me right into the Danger Zone.

I mean, how am I supposed to look at this cuteness and NOT want to get knocked up on the spot!?! 

OH MY GOD HELP ME

(Right before Lucy was born, Brian comes into the living room and says: "I've been thinking about it and I want to be called Tio Brian." What a weirdo. Impregnate me weirdo!!!!!) 

I have a fever and the only prescription is having or kidnapping a baby. 

Or more cowbell.

DON'T WORRY I have a Holiday Weekend intervention planned replete with therapies from a variety of schools, including the foolproof Kids Ruin This School (methods include sleeping in, having sex in the living room whenever we feel like it, looking at photos of exotic travel destinations on the internet), the FOMO Sciences (getting drunk with my childless friends) and the controversial Tiresome Toddlers Philosophy, wherein I'll hang out with a bunch of rambunctious 2 to 4 year-olds and be reminded that cooing sleepy two-month-old angels quickly turn into exhausting little human energy monsters. This method is risky in that I might find myself enjoying the toddler time, which will intensify my fever rather than quenching it.

Wish me luck, America.

In all seriousness though (I do occasionally get serious, you know) the whole parenting issue looms large and near in our lives. We're 30 (almost 31, yikes) and definitely want to start a family...someday. We know we're not ready yet, we have a few too many adventures we want to do together before unleashing a little Hott Baby into our lives, but when will we be ready? How can we possibly know?

Also we should probably not call our future child Hott Baby...that could get dicey. 

Because I'm a cool, calm, sane cucumber, I have our lives planned out for the next few years right up to the exact month and, if my cycle stays regular, day we'll begin trying for a baby. What a nutcase. I still haven't deduced the position we'll go for (think of all the fun new stuff Cosmopolitan can come up with between now and then!) but I've figured out pretty much everything else. We'll enjoy a few years of fun, travel and moneysaving and then we'll have one perfect babymaking session that is as productive as it is passionate resulting in mutual simultaneous orgasm, the likes of which are rarely seen outside of romance films and a baby on the very first try.  

And since life always, 100% of the time goes exactly just the way I want it, this will totally happen! How fun!

Except, of course, that's never how it happens at all. The more I think about the realities of life, the more I wonder if we might not need to move up our plan or change it altogether. Mainly the more I think about life, the more I worry in general. I have seen friends and family struggle with conception, miscarriage and other scary and heartbreaking fertility issues and I know how difficult it can sometimes be. We could get pregnant on the first try or the hundredth or never at all. How long am I willing to push it? What if we wait three years to start trying and then it takes two more to get knocked up. I'll be 35. I know that's not old but it's getting into a riskier zone. How risky am I willing to be? I know I want a few more years of child free fun, but I don't want to find myself looking back with regret. 

My friends and I talk often about this and we all wish there was some kind of test your gyno could do, so long as they're down there, draw some blood or scoop out an egg or something, that could get a sense of your fertility. That could tell you if you're a Fertile Myrtle who should keep her legs snapped shot or if you might have a harder go of it and should start trying or freezing your eggs like pronto

Wishful thinking, I know. But it sure would be nice! 

I read articles about this all the time and ask parents how they knew they were ready to have a baby and often there is no clear answer. No sign from on high or lightening bolt or twinge of the uterus saying "TIS TIME!" You just like, go for it and hope for the best. And we all know how good I am at just calmly going for things without knowing how they'll turn out. 

GAH!

B and I talked about this a bunch last night and for now, we're sticking to the plan with an addendum that we know it is flexible and we can revisit at any time and adjust as needed. I'm feeling good about it. So PROBABLY no Hott Baby for at least a little while longer. Don't get too fired up.

Until then, I'll just channel alllllll of my baby fever energy into spoiling my sweet Lucy Pants. 

BABY PERFECT ANGEL I LOVE YOU

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN HOW COULD YOU NOT WANT TO SPOIL THIS CHILD!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THAT FACE I'M DEAD BYE. 

Real talk for a hot sec: Are you a parent? How did you know when you were ready? I'm sincerely curious, I'd love to hear! 

XOXO and Happy Independence Day, America! 

Cool Aunt Liz