GUYZZZZ. Do you believe in Mercury in Retrograde? Slash know what the even means? From my extremely basic understanding, it has something to do with planets aligning in such a way as to ruin your life for a few weeks.
NOT COOL MERCURY.
I don't really get / care about astrology. Like, I'll read my horoscope every now and again but I mainly ignore everything they say and consider it mumbo jumbo unless it's like "Virgos are the best!" and then I'm all on board. So I'm not exactly one to buy into planetary shenanigans, but this whole Mercury in Retrograde thing is like, very hot right now. I feel like everyone I know is blaming the planets for their bad days and normally I scoff and scoff and scoff at them (behind their backs, I'm mean) but GUYS I am having THE WORST DAY and I visited this website: http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com/ and apparently the answer is YES. Mercury is retrograding, whatever that means, and it is fucking with us all.
I awoke before the sun in a work induced panic, as is my wont these days, and decided I may as well make the most of my early start, so I got up and had some coffee and started this blog and put on a cute outfit and was all ready to walk out the door super duper early to get into my desk and get shit DONE, yo, and I decided I'd take the trash out on my way downstairs and THENNNNNNNNNN it turned out that not only was the trash super duuuuper smelly but also the bag had ripped and I managed to get smelly garbage juice all over our kitchen floor AND my aforementioned cute outfit.
Excellent! There is really nothing like a hot garbage bath to really kick off your day, you know?
But then! On my walk to the subway (after I changed ensembles and cleaned both the kitchen floor and the inside of the garbage can...all before 8 AM) I saw a dad driving his teenage daughter to school, windows down, blasting Rush and singing along "living in the limelighttt, the universal dreammm," clearly delighted embarrassing his daughter in the passenger seat beside him and then I saw a really adorable little toddler boy (my favorite kind of boy!) (STILL CREEPY!) riding a scooter with a helmet that looked like a watermelon and a look of great concentration on his face and he almost killed me with cuteness and I decided these were good omens that the day would actually be OK in the end.
But then I got to the subway juuust as the train was pulling away without me, which I would say is another bad omen.
So THEN! I got to work and wasted a whole bunch of time writing and posting a blog entry about eating dinner at the same restaurant as the Mayor of New York which I would ultimately end up deleting a few hours late because a) it was kind of dumb and b) my day just kept going downhill.
Around 11 AM I got a text from my next door neighbor who is also our landlord's son and kind of the like, on-site landlord. He has keys to the apartments and helps get stuff done around the place. So he texted me:
"Hey all good. Neighbors smelled something burning on our floor."
Apparently the people who live above us smelled smoke but there was no one around to get inside our apartments and check it out - the texter was out of town for the weekend and Brian and I were both at work.
Of course I panicked, because duh, and decided I needed to rush home and check just in case. There was no way I was going to get anything done anyway, I'd be so worried about my house burning down.
I raced out of the office sending Brian a bunch of frantic text messages and while I was riding the subway home I remembered that our smoke alarm has been broken for months and we keep forgetting to talk to our landlord about it and my brain filled with increasingly terrifying images of our whole apartment aflame, our dumb broken smoke alarm just melting from the heat, warning no one (I know, people would have seen the fire at this point but cut me some slack, I'm nuts).
Oh. ALSO. While frantically racing home on the Brooklyn bound F train, I was graced with the gift of my period arriving early, whilst wearing a pair of pretty nice, hitherto unstained white underwear AND AND AND I stepped in gum.
Whilst I was on the subway, Brian got my messages, didn't realize I was already on my way home, panicked himself because we are BOTH insane, and HE raced home too. So both of us like, took off work in the middle of the day, and ended up meeting at home (at least I got to see his cute face!) and guess what was on fire?
NOTHING OBVIOUSLY. Nothing.
The whole morning was just such a literal garbage thundershower I was honestly hoping the apartment was on fire so I could just call out for the rest of the afternoon and wallow in self pity.
But nope. Nothing.
So I just turned myself right back around, hopped back on that goddamn F train, and was back here at my desk by 12:30 PM having been through more (first world, I know) trauma by lunchtime than I have been in weeks.
To say that I would like to restart this day (or just shut it down completely) would be the underest of understatements.
I am just going to sit here for the rest of my day, staring at this collage of Prince George photos:
And listening to THIS Ryan Adams cover of "Bad Blood" (from 1989 cover album which comes out Monday and I already preordered!!!!) because they are the only two beautiful things left in my day and you can't take these away from me, Mercury, YOU CAN'T.
Just kidding I'm going to spend the rest of my day frantically catching up on all the work I missed while I was riding back and forth from Brooklyn and blogging and deleting my blog and writing other blogs and melodramatically flopping around the office complaining about my hard life and other really valuable uses of my workday.
And how's your day going??
I sure do hope it's better than mine, mostly because if it was worse, this wouldn't seem as dramatic by comparison and then you'd get more pity and attention than me and oh, wouldn't that just be Mercury's cruelest trick yet!!