It's The End of the World as We Know It (and I Need a Nap)

Writing this blog post at the Thursday White House, my office, about twelve seconds ago. ENJOY! 

Writing this blog post at the Thursday White House, my office, about twelve seconds ago. ENJOY! 

Fun Fact! Donald Trump is going to become the President of the United States tomorrow! Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I hate you, tomorrow, you're only a day away.  I was just listening to NPR and the host teed up the news by saying "in less than 24 hours, Donald Trump will be sworn in..." and y'all, I nearly spontaneously combusted. IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS THIS IS HAPPENING. I mean, like, obviously I knew this day would someday come but I still thought we had more time. We just need more time!  

And do you ever, even for just a moment, forget? Every now and then in the days since November 9th, I've found myself slipping into a blissful state of mindlessness, completely checked-out from the reality swirling around me before one thing or another pulls me back down to earth. And yes, the shock of remembering jolts me every single time, but oh man, those sweet little moments - usually right when I first wake up in the wee hours of the morning, between refreshing the snooze button, or when I hit my stride on a great run - are pure gold. 

Exceptttt lately life has been conspiring to steal my precious moments (of time, not the religious figurines I received for my First Holy Communion) and things are not going well.

First of all, snooze button? What even is that? I've been absolutely swamped at work since the beginning of the year and I feel like I'm climbing a ladder and every day I get so close to the top only to fall off but then catch a middle rung with one hand and mustering all the upper body and core strength I have, pull myself back up. And then repeat. (Aka "two steps forward, one step back" but less cliche and far more dramatic.)  I've been waking at the crack of dawn to get to my desk as early as I can, working late, and tossing and turning due to the stress of it all. 

I need a nap. Badly. How badly? Let me share just one anecdote to illustrate. 

This afternoon one of my authors was in the office doing a few phone interviews from our in-house studio. I went to meet him to walk to another appointment and when I arrived, he was still on the phone, so I quietly found a seat in the adjoining conference room. As I sat down I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a person sitting on another chair next to me and I was a little startled, I'd thought I was alone, so I quickly and politely gave a little nod and said "hello" and at the same time the other person quickly and politely gave a little nod and said "hello" and oh wait...

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It wasn't another person, it was a mirror. I was waving and chatting to my own reflection. The whole time. 

So yes, I need a nap. Badly.

And I'd really like to clear my head with a good stretch of the legs and a lap or two around Prospect Park, exceptttt, I'm hobbled, and unable to run. My usually tricky right hip has been just dandy lately, but in a fun twist, my left hip is busted.  I think I may have thrown something into whack over the holidays, because for the past few weeks I've had near constant discomfort in my hip, glute, and IT band, having trouble walking, running, and sitting.So basically just living, really. 

The discomfort became too much to bear (and I really, really miss running!) so I decided to be brave and try acupuncture again (ps I finally learned how to spell that word, only one c!) even though It was one of the more harrowing experiences of my life because I am unable to avoid the lure of a magical holistic cure and/or a good story to tell. 

I was feeling all proud of myself for uterising up and taking care of myself instead of laying on the couch, self-diagnosing via WebMD, and complaining about my life, which is my usual M.O., but hit my first road block when I went to get dressed. I could not for the life of me remember what the protocol vis a vis undergarments was the last time I'd gone in. I remembered a blanket. And taking my pants off. But was I wearing underpants? Or were we full monty down there? Because the primary issue is centered in the piriformis and gluteus medius muscles, aka da butt, I was worried about having too much fabric in the way but also didn't want to show up just like, vag out, you know? 

And then I remembered, thongs! They're a thing! An underwear specific for times when you need your bits covered but your cheeks out, i.e. butt acupuncture and literally that's it because thongs are terrible and life is painful enough already without a string up your b. So I duggggg into the fun drawer where I keep all of my special occasion (read: laundry day) underwear and unearthed a thongity-thong, suited up, and confidently marched out the door.

The whole time I walked over, sat in the waiting room, and then chatted with the acupuncturist in the exam room, I repeated a silent mantra in my head: "don't make it weird, don't make it weird, don't make it weird," and then, as I lay face down, in my lingerie, as a stranger, basically, stuck pins into my butt cheeks it occurred to me that it probably could not get any weirder, no matter what I did and at last, I was able to relax.

And I think my hip's starting to feel better afterwards, too! Now that I'm a mature acupuncture goddess (no), maybe I should get her to 'puncture away my sleeplessness and life would be all better again. I mean, except for the Trump thing.

DO YOU THINK there's a way we could acupuncture ourselves back in time, or maybe acupuncture Trump out of office?? I MEAN! People swear acupuncture is a cure for everything??????

Anywaaay, enough. I'm not 100% sure what either of these stories actually have to do with a) one another or b) tomorrow's Doomsday Situation, but one of my 2017 resolutions was "blog once a week...even if it's not that great" and they were medium funny and I can't focus on work on account of the exhaustion and the butt pain and the dawning apocalypse sooooo here we are. 

And how are you doing? 

Living and Learning and Awkwardly Smooching

Oh hey! What's been going on? Facebook just reminded me I haven't blogged in a full week. Wah-hoops. Such a nag, that Zuckerberg. 

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I've been running around even madder than usual this past, like, fortnightish, as I have an author in town so I've been extra busy at work, bopping all up and down and around going to interviews and events and things. It's hectic but actually really fun and way better than sitting at a desk all day. The author is super cool too - he's Israeli and funny and brilliant. Check him on Fresh Air here! And check this hideous picture of me listening in on his interview. 



(I feel like this photo really emphasizes my crooked chin. Have I ever mentioned my crooked chin here?! Look at that slope!)

Anywaaay, everything's been going great great GREAT with his book and his publicity visit and such except for one thing: the kissing. 

Not as scandalous as it sounds, I swear!!! 

As I said, dude is Israeli and I guess in Tel Aviv they greet one another with the cosmopolitan one cheek kiss. I met him for breakfast at 8:30 AM on a Monday before his first media day. He was sitting at the table already when I got there and as I came over he stood up and like, swooped in for the hello and I didn't know what was happening so I went in for a hug and he tried to do a cheek kiss but then HE got confused and we both kind of just like, sort of hugged, cheek to cheek, for what felt like a year but couldn't have been that long.

Could it have?


So then a few nights later I went to an event with him in Brooklyn and after it wrapped I was putting him in a cab and it turns out cheek kissing is a goodbye thing too, so he leaned in and this time I was totally prepared except I tried too hard to act natural and made a really loud "mwah" noise like I was some kind of, I don't know, sassy Long Island housewife or something.

Tooooootally natural.

Of course on top of this crazy work week I've had all sorts of general, you know, grown up shit to deal with (I will never cease complaining about how exhausting it is to be a functioning human adult person) and could not manage to squeeze writing into the mix. I was feeling terribly guilty and garbagy (it's a word) about this, you know I do passionate self-criticism better than anybody, when I found myself at this aforementioned "mwah" inducing work event in Brooklyn and this author inspired an epiphany, guys. AN EPIPHANY! 

During the audience Q&A, someone asked him about his  writing schedule, or lack thereof. He said, and I paraphrase, "when you have an urge to write you must write...unless your life gets in the way. In which case you always pick your life first. If you're not living, you'll have nothing to write about."

So simple. So brilliant. Isn't it neat how sometimes you hear just what you didn't know you needed to hear?

I think this applies even if you're not into writing. Just sub in whatever it is you think you should be doing or feeling guilty over not achieving and acknowledge it and then, if you need to, set it aside and live your life. It'll get done. 

So that's what I've been up to. Less stressing, more living. 

Well, that and awkwardly kissing professional colleagues. 

And what have YOU been up to?


Liz Hott