WOOOOO! Friday! I am having such a morning already. First I knocked over a cup of coffee in the kitchen just so that the spill ran all along the back of the sink, essentially creating like, a streaming river of Joe which ended in a water fall dripping behind the stove. COOL! Our paper towel roll was in that state where there was just like 1/2 of a towel clinging to the cardboard and I wasn't awake enough to like, get a dish towel or something else, so I just kind of swatted at the spill with the paper towel...still attached to the roll. It was pretty efficient. THENNNNNNN I walked all the way to the subway, only to realize I'd forgotten my wallet (again!) and had to walk allll the way back home and then alllllll the way back to the subway again, for a total of .9 miles before 8:30 AM and on zero coffee because I poured it all over the kitchen.
My life is the hardest. I've got 99 problems and 32 of them are spilling things, 26 are leaving my wallet behind, 1 is that I keep trotting out this trite Jay-Z lyric and the remaining ones are that I can't do mental math to get us back to 99.
We are taking a semi spontaneous trip to Portland (the Oregon one) to celebrate. WOO. We have a wedding in DC this weekend & were planning to spend a few extra days there to party with my other wifey, Maureen, because she's joining the Old Bitty 3-0 club on Monday (!!) and then we were going to like, rent a car and drive to the Eastern Shore or the mountains or something and we hadn't really figured out the plan and just a few weeks ago I came home from work and Brian greeted me at the door full of enthusiasm and said "screw it! If we're spending money and vacation days we're getting on a plane and having an adventure!!" and he'd found super affordable flights from DC to Portland, where we've been dying to visit (and will probably also die when we arrive - the day we had this convo was the day THIS hit the web and I was like UM HELL NO I will never go to the Pacific Northwest thanks bye but he managed to talk me into it. Can't resist that cute face.) and I think I'm still writing the same sentence? What a long sentence. Anyhoodle: We're off to Portland! We're usually super planny planners and worriers and not spontaneous adventurers and Brian in particular is usually so responsible, so it's EXTRA fun to have him tossing caution to the wind like this. He is so great. I am so happy I married him!!!! But you'll hear more of that barfsauce next week.
So Portland!!! Have you been? Any tips? What should we see? Do? EAT? DRINK???? What books should I buy at Powell's?? Will you miss us if we're sucked into a landslide?? (It's totally not going to happen while we're there, right?!)
Just say right.
So that's what's ahead! Before we hop that plane to the West Side, let's quickly look back at what was keeping it awkward this last week of my first year of marriage:
I use this app called BusTracker that's usually super duper up to date and correct, telling you down to the minute when the next bus is due to arrive at your stop and updating based on traffic and stuff. Saturday night I was going to meet a friend for dinner and I SWEAR BusTracker said the next bus was 17 minutes away so I just sort of noodled around the apartment for now more than like, 8 minutes, maybe 9, DEFINITELY not 16, and I checked again and it said the bus was coming in ONE MINUTE so I panicked and grabbed my purse and keys and sprinted out the front door only to see the bus pulling away from my stop. HALP.
But then I remembered I am a true athlete so I hiked up my super sporty maxi dress and straight sprinted to the next stop, purse flying, knocking babies and families out of the way and I TOTALLY made it just in time to burst through the bus door, where I then had to stand and catch my breath and rifle through my purse until I found my metro card and I was so sweaty and everyone was staring at me but I think they were proud of me, I really do.
Also this run was actually only two blocks so it's not nearly as impressive as I'm making it sound.
I bought this dress earlier this summer and wore it to an event and then .... did something with it and forgot I had it and then when I remembered again I could. not. find it! I searched high and low and low and high, all over our 600 square foot apartment (not that many hidey holes) and called my mom to see if I'd for some reason brought it to PA and left it there (spoiler alert: nope) and finally realized aha! I'd surely brought it to the dry cleaner, left it there and forgotten all about it.
So one night after work I popped into the dry cleaner six minutes before closing and approached the desk and was greeted by the young woman who works there and speaks very limited English (and, to be fair, I speak zero of her language so, you know) and super calmly and normally said "hello, I am here to pick up a black dress, here is my telephone number" and I was SO SO SOOOO proud of myself for not launching into some kind of long, insane overshare "Hi! Ok sooooooo I have this dress that I bought to wear to a memorial service, so sad, I know, thanks, but yeah anyway I have this dress and I can't find it and ... " and so on because that is my normal M.O. but this time I was calm and normal.
UNTIL. She pulled up my number which revealed that nope, the dress was not at the dry cleaner after all and I totally lost my normal and said "where oh where can that dress be?!" mostly just to myself but also out loud and the girl looked so sorry that she couldn't help me and started saying something about how she could try looking again and THEN I launched into my whole long overshare ramble and she just stared at me wide eyed until I yelled "OK THANKS BYE" and backed out of the store and sprinted the rest of the way home.
Anyway the dress was in my closet the whole time!!!!
This, my friends, is a bowl of slow cooked ribs c/o my pal Kamran and some coleslaw and YES I ate it for breakfast and no, I am not even remotely ashamed of that face. I am slightly ashamed that I then had to re-print a bunch of work documents because I got BBQ all over my desk but I will not apologize for eating whatever I feel like, regardless of the time of day.
If there is one thing I believe in, it is the importance of literacy and education for all. And if there's a second thing it is the declassification of particular foods being only appropriate for certain meals, breakfast in particular. WHO SAYS you can't eat ribs or brisket or ham sandwiches or mashed potatoes before 8 AM? Who? Is it in the Constitution? I feel like probably no. Why is bacon considered a morning food and chicken salad a lunch food and broiled salmon a dinner food? Just eat food! Why is it OK to eat maple sausage links with toast for breakfast but people would look at you weird if you ate italian sausage on a roll? IT'S THE SAME THING!!
And most American breakfast foods are total crap nonsense. Cereal? WTF is the point of cereal. It tastes like nothing and keeps you full for 11 minutes and gets stuck to the bowl if you don't clean it fast enough. Pass.
And most other foods we consider breakfast approps are straight up dessert. French toast? That's cake. Pancakes? ACTUAL CAKE. Donuts??? Donut even get me started. Recently I was having a conversation with my sister wherein we were discussing muffins and I called them "sugar bombs" and she just gave me the snarkiest look and said "you're going to be a real fun mom."
But seriously, guys, it is time for a breakfast revolution. We have made great strides as a progressive society - gay marriage! toys no longer labeled by gender! Caitlyn Jenner! - and yet we still live in a world where foods are lumped into meal specific categories and people are judged for eating outside of those limits. I say NO MORE! No more. Join me in this revolution. Breakfast Pork Chops for ALL! Eggs for dinner. Waffles for dessert where they belong and cereal for never because cereal sucks.
Someday our country can be great! Who's with me?
No one? That's fine. I'll be over here eating my turkey and pepper jack with spicy mustard and pickles on rye toast at 9:30 AM and don't even try to stop me.
Ok that spun wildly out of control. Quickly to work I must go so I can get that out of office UP and start putting a bird on it. What are you up to this weekend? Any big end of summer travel plans? More importantly: what did you eat for breakfast today????
xoxo Liz Hott