So unless you’ve been living under a rock (in which case, welcome! Hi! Have you binged all of Breaking Bad yet?), you know that Google does a heart-stirring video at the end of each year, recapping the top moments in dramatic fashion, the ups the downs, the highs the lows, the newsmakers that held our attention, for better or for worse. It’s all very emotional and all centered around use of their search engine, of course, because this is still mega-corporate advertising. Even though I know it is a ploy to keep me addicted to The Gooz, I am all in. I’m obsessed. As is my friend Kathleen. I am not exaggerating when I say that each year as we approach the darkest days of late December, the two of us refresh our (Google Chrome) browsers hourly to see if it’s posted yet. “What will they feature this year??” we feverishly type into our G-Chat windows (oh god how Google runs our lives!), “I wonder how they’ll handle the terror attacks???”, “the Olympics!”, “Remember when Michael Jackson died?!”. When it finally does post, it’s like Christmas morning all over again for the two of us as we race to watch it.
Unfortunately, lately, we’ve felt a little more like Christmas morning in A Christmas Story when Ralphie gets the pink bunny pajamas, instead of later, when he finally gets the BB gun. Disappointed, is what I’m sayin’. In our (clearly expert) opinions, these videos peaked in the glorious year of 2012 and have gone downhill since. I don’t know if you’ve recently watched the 2012 video, but it is a flat-out masterpiece. We have both probably watched it 85 times, tuning in throughout the years when we need a little emotional jolt, and at least once sat all of our friends down in the middle of a party and made them watch it streamed on a big screen TV. They all just sat there in forced silence while the two of us clutched each other and wept, mouthing the lines.
Uh, yeah, we know how to have a good time.
Anyway! This year’s video is up and it’s...fine? It’s FINE guys, it’s fine. Again, I can’t pinpoint it but it just feels like something is missing, you know? The music could be more emotional, I could do with less voice-over (no offense, Caitlyn J) and generally I wish it were MORE sappy and absurd. Like, I want you to tear my heart into a million pieces, Google, is that too much to ask?
And speaking of “too much to ask,” well, asking might be my main issue with the whole video. They center it around the issues we turn to Google to explain, with the opening title card reading:
“In 2015 the questions we asked revealed who we are.”
And then they go on to show such questions as “how can i [stet!] help the refugees” and “how can we overcome prejudice” and “how can the world find peace.”
I’m sorry, Google, but what? Are people really searching for these things? Like, REALLY??? I know you have to make a dramatic video and all but I highly doubt that the average Googzer Uzer is that engaged and concerned with the world and such. Come on.
I mean, you didn’t include a single one of MY top 2015 searches, such as:
Is this eye twitch due to stress or am I going blind?
Did Adnan really kill Hae??!?!
When should I have a baby?
What’s Laura from Family Matters up to?
What is Retin-A?
Do I need Retin-A?
Is my neck getting old and wrinkly????
Can you die from traveller’s diarrhea because oh my God, Google, I think this is the end for me!?!?
What’s an easy trick for cat-eye eyeliner, but like so easy a toddler could do it?
What is a 401-K again? I know I have one and stuff but what is it?
Why do people care so much about Star Wars?
Is it possible to overdose on apple cider vinegar?
Seriously, Google, when should I have a baby?!
How does Channing Tatum move like that?
If the questions we asked in 2015 reveal who we are, then I am a neurotic, self-absorbed hypochondriac with on-and-off-again baby fever and an deep interest in watching men gyrate to mid-2000’s hip-hop music.
Sounds about right!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go research home remedies for lower back pain whilst lotioning up my wrinkly old neck. I'll leave you here with Google's 2015 vid, ICYMI...
...And the glory that is 2012. GODDAMN that music! The astronaut! I dareyou not to cry.
2012. What a year.