Hello, friends!! How are you?! I feel like it's been so long! Remember when I used to blog with regularity? Oh, those were the days. Those. Were. The. DAYS!
Now, man, I don't even know. It's like, well into October. Of 2015!! When did that happen?! I mean, yes, I know that technically and scientifcically October 2015 began to happen 9 days ago but, you knowww, emotionally and meta-physically what is going on and where are we? I'm so tired!
So what has everyone been up to? I know that literally no one will will answer that question and yet I ask it every single week. I realize it might seem like I only want to talk about myself - and that's mostly ture - but I DO love a good two-way conversation here and again. I sometimes feel like I'm writing this into an abyss (and possibly I am!) so maybe pop in and say hi?
Ok enough of you. Back to me, yay!!!
Since the last time I really sat down here, life has been hoppin'. Just a blur of insanity! Work, work , work, work, some play, work, work, religious pilgramage, a little bit more play and a whole lot more work. Fall is always a busy season for the publishing biz but this year is a whole new crazy beast. And no end in sight! Starting tomorrow, when a car picks us up at the ungoldy hour of 4:10 in the A-M, I'm basically travelling for the rest of the month.
This weekend we're in Cincinnati for a wedding then next weekend in Chicago for Lucy Goosie's christening. (Quick Q: What should two non-religious people gift a baby upon her christening? Just like, cash? How much!? This is a real inquiry, help!). Then I'm travelling for work essentially through Halloween. First two days with this #1 New York Times bestselling author, back home for 2.5 days and then zipping across the country for a full week with THIS #1 New York Times bestselling author. Bananas! 13 flights in 22 days, hitting 9 states (well 8 states and the District of Columbia, if we're being precise) (how weird is it that DC isn't a state?!), including not one but two visits to Cincinnati. Look out, Ohio. I'm comin' for ya.
I am already exhausted just thinking about it. But I'm excited, too! The personal stuff is great, obviously, what's better than weddings & babies? Nothing, duh. And the work stuff is daunting, yes, but honestly SO RAD. The raddest. We almost never go on tours with authors so to get the opportunity to do so is a major honor.
AND! To publish not one but TWO #1 bestsellers in one year is like, bonks, even for a big imprint but especially for a small imprint like ours. And we did that! And I was on the team for both! That's so cool. I know post a lot of Niki Minaj videos and stuff (this is an actual must-read), but when it comes to my own life I'm actually very bad at being a Boss Bitch. But if Niki can have the ovaries to kick a journalist out of her home in the middle of an interview, I can uterus up and toot my own horn very softly here on this blog that like 4 people read. So I'll say it: I've been working really hard this year and really goodthis year and I'm proud of myself.
The downside, of course, to all this jet-setting Boss Bitch lifestyle is that I have very little time to fit in the fun stuff like hanging with mah frandz and watching Scream Queens and, of course, blogging. But, no matter how busy I get I still always, always manage to find time to publicly embarrass myself...and document it all.
For YOU world. I do this for you.
So, without further ado, let's take a look at how this Boss Bitch was keeping it awkward lo these past many weeks.
Wanna take a hot guess who knocked over the parmesean tower at her local upscale food market?
I then started to pick them up but a very nice store employee came rushing over and said "no no! I've got this!" but I felt so bad and weird having him clean up my mess even though I guess it is his job so I just stood there and watched as he picked up each individual tub o' cheese and delicately placed them back on the shelf and said "thank you" every single time.
Just hovered there, watching, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."
Dude could not get that cheese tower assembled fast enough. He basically sprinted away from me.
Is there some kind of country song about how you only hurt the ones you love the most? If not I'm going to write it and it's going to be about this top. It is my very favorite and also my very most stained.
It always happens right after laundry day too. I love the shirt so much, as soon as it dries I very, very carefully iron it and put together an ensemble and skip out the door feeling very cute and I always think "this time! This time I'll last all day without spilling on myself!"
And I am always, always wrong. Sometimes I even spill twice!
Like this particular day, for instance. The stain you see above is an actual mystery. It looks like coffee but I have no recollection of the actual spillage and didn't notice the stain until I was out on my lunch break, at which point I sprinted into the ladies' room to snap a selfie...much to the delight of my friend Abi, whose elbow you can see in the frame there.
That evening I stopped at the aforementioned local upscale food market to grab a few items for dinner (different day than destruction of cheese tower day!). They have this really great antipasta bar with olives and stuff and they always put out free samples. I am WAY into these little cippolini onion guys, which Brian finds disgusting because they're basiclally just raw onions in vinegar but MMMM, I can not get enough!
So on this day, as all days, I made a beeline for the samples and speared a giant onion with a toothpick and brought it to my mouth and dropped it RIGHT down the front of me. So now not only did I have a weird coffee stain right over my crotch, I also had onion juice all over the rest of me.
Needless to say I was the most attractive shopper in the store that evening. Really bringing the goods.
And now, because I don't have a washing machine, my beloved favorite shirt sits, covered in oxyclean pre-laundry gloop, until the next time I can drag my sorry rear to the laundromat. Good lord, I would do anything for my own washing machine!!
(Except, of course, the one thing that would actually make that happen: move to the suburbs. Gross!)
Actually I shouldn't neg on the 'burbs so hard, because this past weekend I was hating on the city life something fierce. Like 97.64 % of the time I love this life and all that comes with it, but sometimes, man it sucks here. Last weekend it was drizzly and freezing and I had a head cold and I needed to run a bunch of errands and all I wanted to do was hop in a car and go to the mall. The mall! Just park and leave my coat in the car and wander around popping into all the stores my little heart would desire. Instead I bundled up and stood out in the cold and waited for the damn bus and went to the makeshift hell hole of a mall nearest my home which has about three decent stores...four if you count the garbage Target I can't seem to quit.
I made some returns to Old Gravy, had good shoe luck at DSW, scored some basics at Uniqlo and then my good spirts were crushed by Target. There were lines out the door and broken cash registers and my nose wouldn't stop running and somehow it was at once freezing and stuffy inside and oh, I just wanted to go home! I hauled my belongings to the bus stop, where I had a 10 minute wait in the rain until the next bus. I decided I'd pop into a nearby bodega to get some ramen to eat upon my return home.
This hot, spicy, sinus clearing bowl of soup was my guiding light. Of course this particular store had no ramen. Then! As I dejectedly walked back out onto the sidewalk, my paper shopping bag ripped, spilling discounted designer boots and bags of sensible white T's all over the damp, dirty sidewalk.
Thank goodness I have this blog, guys, because the absurdity of me standing there, snapping photographs of my spilled shopping bags while people stared at me, wondering WHAT the hell I was doing, had me crying with laughter instead of frustration which is kind of a miracle.
Oh and I totally took a taxi home. Best $8 I ever spent!
This NSFW Image:
Well, not really but, well, you'll see.
Recently I was emailing with a professoinal contact about checking in with another person on something. I MEANT to say "I'll send him another nudge," with a d...but instead I typed (and sent!) "I'll send him another nude."
And now you know the secret to scoring a #1 New York Times Bestseller. Bribe 'em with titties.
And that, my fair friends, is the best of the best and the worst of the worst! I promise I'm not as groucy as I sound... I just need sleep! (And maybe access to a better Target.) Now to bed I go! I just realized that if our car comes at 4, that means I have to get up at like...3 something and woof that is not a fun number to see.
Good night to you! Or good day, if you're reading this in the morning. Good anytime, I'm just so glad you're here! Have I mentioned how very much I appreciate you reading this? Because I do, do, DO.